Getting re-married? - Looking for others experiences / thoughts

[ten6mom]

I am fairly recently divorced and dating a man close to my own age. We haven't discussed marriage but neither one of can have more children (and frankly the 6 we have between the two of us are enough!) And I am very glad we are on the same page. Neither of us would have any interest in starting all over (his oldest is 14) with diapers.

I think that far greater than your age difference is the desire to have children difference. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting more kids.... and I don't blame her one bit for wanting kids of her own.

Good luck.

 

[smidgy]

the discussion of whether of not to ever have children should be early on in a relationship.. most definietly BEFORE moving in together!

after my divorce, when I was "dating" I didn't even bother dating anyone who wanted children. my son's were 16 and 19. no way was I going to have anymore. there was a really nice looking guy, a few years younger than I, who asked me out a few times. He had no children and always talked about how he wanted a son, and would name him ANthony. now why would I even bother dating him?

after a while, I decided I didn't even want to bother dating men with small children, as I couldn't see myself an stepmom to little kids.

IMO, it makes no sense to date someone who could not be a potential spouse. I tmight start out as "just for fun" but if you got close, the "elephant in the room" will come into play eventually.

same goes for religious differences. If it doesn't matter to you, it won't matter at all. but if you are a certain faith and it is important to you that your spouse be of the same faith, why date someone and think you will "convert" them?

OP, if you dont' want children with this 32 year old, you shouldn't have wasted her time the last few years. let her know now.

and I dont' care about any "pre-nup" you sire children, you support them.

 

[Marbles90]

There are too many replies to multi-quote so I’ll just make a few comments to let you all know I am reading the responses and I truly do appreciate all the feedback.

This has gone into a bit of a different direction. I was hoping for more posts like the ones who have experienced a similar situation and have some feedback to share. It has gotten more into questioning my relationship and that was not my intent.

First, for all technical purposes, we are married now. We live together, share expenses (yes she chips in but her main goal now is to pay off her debt which is almost done). She is very aware of how my divorce went and she lives it every day with my ex-wife. As a small digression, I want to say that in my opinion, the institute of marriage is baffling to me. Nobody goes into with the expectation that it will end and everyone states to God, to friends and to family that it will last forever, yet 50% of the time it ends. I personally believe that when you make that kind of commitment, you honor it and you try to make it work. But in this country, all you need to do is say, “I’m bored with you” and you can move on. So the folks who say, “if you are thinking about it ending, you shouldn’t be getting married” are kidding themselves because I can think whatever I want, I can’t control it. My ex wife did nothing to try to keep our commitment and family together - not even one session with a marriage counselor. After 20+ years together, she literally walked out leaving me with the house and kids. The problem with a marriage is that once it ends, the state/courts gets involved and it can get ugly.

As I mentioned in my last post, the kid issue is the bigger concern and has the biggest implications to the current and future family dynamic, financial, stress, etc. If we do not have kids and only get married, a pre-nupt would probably suffice.

Honestly (and no, I am not kidding myself, here), neither of these 2 items are hills to die on for me or her. We have excellent open communication ~ a lesson learned the hard way from my first marriage. We talk about this all the time and we both have been on the fence about both items especially the having kids because we both understand the variables. Up to last week, I would say we were square on the fence at 50/50. This week, I am starting to lean one way and she is starting to lean the other way. My feelings of nervousness about being older, financially supporting, and the impact to the family dynamic, do not dimension how awesome it would be to get a chance to start over with a new person. I consider myself lucky to have that chance. Our love for each other transcends both of these items and we will work together to make sure we are both happy. But to everyone’s point, if we truly cannot come up with an arrangement that makes us both happy, we would have no choice but to break it off. I don’t see it coming to that.

 

[a742246]

There are too many replies to multi-quote so Ill just make a few comments to let you all know I am reading the responses and I truly do appreciate all the feedback.

This has gone into a bit of a different direction. I was hoping for more posts like the ones who have experienced a similar situation and have some feedback to share. It has gotten more into questioning my relationship and that was not my intent.

First, for all technical purposes, we are married now. We live together, share expenses (yes she chips in but her main goal now is to pay off her debt which is almost done). She is very aware of how my divorce went and she lives it every day with my ex-wife. As a small digression, I want to say that in my opinion, the institute of marriage is baffling to me. Nobody goes into with the expectation that it will end and everyone states to God, to friends and to family that it will last forever, yet 50% of the time it ends. I personally believe that when you make that kind of commitment, you honor it and you try to make it work. But in this country, all you need to do is say, Im bored with you and you can move on. So the folks who say, if you are thinking about it ending, you shouldnt be getting married are kidding themselves because I can think whatever I want, I cant control it. My ex wife did nothing to try to keep our commitment and family together - not even one session with a marriage counselor. After 20+ years together, she literally walked out leaving me with the house and kids. The problem with a marriage is that once it ends, the state/courts gets involved and it can get ugly.

As I mentioned in my last post, the kid issue is the bigger concern and has the biggest implications to the current and future family dynamic, financial, stress, etc. If we do not have kids and only get married, a pre-nupt would probably suffice.

Honestly (and no, I am not kidding myself, here), neither of these 2 items are hills to die on for me or her. We have excellent open communication ~ a lesson learned the hard way from my first marriage. We talk about this all the time and we both have been on the fence about both items especially the having kids because we both understand the variables. Up to last week, I would say we were square on the fence at 50/50. This week, I am starting to lean one way and she is starting to lean the other way. My feelings of nervousness about being older, financially supporting, and the impact to the family dynamic, do not dimension how awesome it would be to get a chance to start over with a new person. I consider myself lucky to have that chance. Our love for each other transcends both of these items and we will work together to make sure we are both happy. But to everyones point, if we truly cannot come up with an arrangement that makes us both happy, we would have no choice but to break it off. I dont see it coming to that.

Your first marriage you were in your very early 20's. Today you are in the mid forties. Between 20 and 44 most people change alot, your personalities developed, you are a different person, Between 44 and 65 you probably are not going to change as much. In fact, you will become mellower and wiser.

When I was 45 divorced, the thought of having another child would have scared me to death. Now at 57, a youngster running around the house wouldn't seem so bad. Maybe you would have the same reaction.

As for the pre-nup, throw that idea out. You do not sound like you are very wealthy, so adding that useless clause will only make you sound negative
heading into the marriage.

Your age, 12 years older shouldn't be a problem, she is 32 not 20, she is at a perfect age to develop into a perfect mate. Just encourage her to develop to be her own "person".

As for finance, if you love or like your job money at least long term, shouldn't be an issue. This is where encouraging her to persuade a career that she loves will pay off even if it means her switching careers now.

As for stress, learn to relax, don't overthink. Remember, for males the 50's are the decade you have to worry about in terms of health. The less stress you have or can control entering that age group the better off you will be.

In the end, your first divorce will be for the better.

So imo you are a bright 44 male, if you think she is the one, then go for it.

One final point, in the end we are just memories...

 

[Ciao Mickey]

There are too many replies to multi-quote so I’ll just make a few comments to let you all know I am reading the responses and I truly do appreciate all the feedback.

This has gone into a bit of a different direction. I was hoping for more posts like the ones who have experienced a similar situation and have some feedback to share. It has gotten more into questioning my relationship and that was not my intent.

First, for all technical purposes, we are married now. We live together, share expenses (yes she chips in but her main goal now is to pay off her debt which is almost done). She is very aware of how my divorce went and she lives it every day with my ex-wife. As a small digression, I want to say that in my opinion, the institute of marriage is baffling to me. Nobody goes into with the expectation that it will end and everyone states to God, to friends and to family that it will last forever, yet 50% of the time it ends. I personally believe that when you make that kind of commitment, you honor it and you try to make it work. But in this country, all you need to do is say, “I’m bored with you” and you can move on. So the folks who say, “if you are thinking about it ending, you shouldn’t be getting married” are kidding themselves because I can think whatever I want, I can’t control it. My ex wife did nothing to try to keep our commitment and family together - not even one session with a marriage counselor. After 20+ years together, she literally walked out leaving me with the house and kids. The problem with a marriage is that once it ends, the state/courts gets involved and it can get ugly.

As I mentioned in my last post, the kid issue is the bigger concern and has the biggest implications to the current and future family dynamic, financial, stress, etc. If we do not have kids and only get married, a pre-nupt would probably suffice.

Honestly (and no, I am not kidding myself, here), neither of these 2 items are hills to die on for me or her. We have excellent open communication ~ a lesson learned the hard way from my first marriage. We talk about this all the time and we both have been on the fence about both items especially the having kids because we both understand the variables. Up to last week, I would say we were square on the fence at 50/50. This week, I am starting to lean one way and she is starting to lean the other way. My feelings of nervousness about being older, financially supporting, and the impact to the family dynamic, do not dimension how awesome it would be to get a chance to start over with a new person. I consider myself lucky to have that chance. Our love for each other transcends both of these items and we will work together to make sure we are both happy. But to everyone’s point, if we truly cannot come up with an arrangement that makes us both happy, we would have no choice but to break it off. I don’t see it coming to that.

I'm a little confused.

Are you saying that you will have a child if that's what she wants, or are you saying that she will give in to you and not have any children?

You both can't have your way.

How do your children feel about your relationship with her? Have you talked to them about starting a new life and family with her? What about your ex-wife? Will she be a problem in the future?

 

[Marbles90]

As for the pre-nup, throw that idea out. You do not sound like you are very wealthy, so adding that useless clause will only make you sound negative
heading into the marriage.

No, I am not wealthy and I am not really worried about this. I plan to keep this very simple. The pre-nupt would just ensure that she could not go after the 2 big things I had before we met -> The equity in my house and my retirement accounts. After that, I dont care about anything earned during the marriage. We are not talking a celebrity like pre-nupt here

Your age, 12 years older shouldn't be a problem, she is 32 not 20, she is at a perfect age to develop into a perfect mate. Just encourage her to develop to be her own "person".
As for stress, learn to relax, don't overthink. Remember, for males the 50's are the decade you have to worry about in terms of health. The less stress you have or can control entering that age group the better off you will be.

In the end, your first divorce will be for the better.

So imo you are a bright 44 male, if you think she is the one, then go for it.

Thank you

I'm a little confused.

Are you saying that you will have a child if that's what she wants, or are you saying that she will give in to you and not have any children? You both can't have your way.

I am saying we will work something out. That is what couples do.

How do your children feel about your relationship with her? Have you talked to them about starting a new life and family with her? What about your ex-wife? Will she be a problem in the future?

The current kids are definitely a determining factor. The divorce has been hard on them as any divorce is. They have handled it well. When my ex moved out, it was just me and them for a year. When I started dating this girl she built a strong relationship with them  about as strong as a step mom could. Which is one of the reasons why I thought it was ok for her to move in. She was a great female presence that I needed being a single Dad with 2 teenage girls. Since then, though, they both have started to re-foster their relationship with their Mom which is a very good thing. But it is making it a bit harder for my girlfriend because she sometimes feels left out. Being a step parent is probably one of the hardest relationships to have. The oldest will be in college next year so we hope she will not be a factor. Ideally, we would wait for the youngest to get there too but that is 4 years away.

To answer your other question, the ex wife has no influence on any of this.

 

[a742246]

Being a step parent is different that is for sure. When I got married again
I had a 17 yr old step daughter, and a 14 step son. My son was already away in college.

I survived by not being a father to them but a listener. At that age they did not need another parent to "control" them (they were good kids).
I guess it worked out because my step daughter is getting married and I am the one who is giving her away. My 14year old step son took a bit longer, it was not until he went away to college and got into a relationship before
his trust became easing.

So my advice to your girlfriend is to just listen to them and don't offer too many opinions unless they ask. She would be better off being an older friend who is there for them.

PS Is she actually willing to sign a pre-nupt without any signs of being hurt?