Due to the fact that I have yet to find an effective method of halting the aging process, I was recently left with no alternative but to have my first mammogram.
I entered my doctors office in my usual cheerful-yet-suspicious mood and was ushered swiftly to the back. As instructed, I doffed my clothing in a ridiculously cold room, and donned an extremely large, unflattering mint-green tent (shown here). So amused was I at my reflection in the mirror that I could not resist the urge to dig my cell phone out of my purse and snap a photo for old times sake. I succumbed to my childlike impulse as though I were getting away with some mischief, envisioning one of the Mean Nurses coming in to chastise me for taking pictures of myself in their Gown, confiscating my cell phone, and writing something on my chart in red such as, Patient was caught taking pictures of herself in the mirror with her cellphone and generally acting silly.
After a few minutes, a very short, stoic, grey-haired woman ushered me into the (even colder) x-ray room and asked me to expose my chestal region. With the sternness of a drill sergeant she pressed a generic bandaid onto each frigid nipple. Call me a prude, but I seem to be stricken with an irrational difficulty in accepting the notion of conducting business wearing only my pants.
When the Short Stoic X-ray Lady asked me to insert my left breast into the appropriate area (I like to call it The Squeezing Zone), I attempted to comply; however, being a Bear of Very Little Breast(s), it was more like I was just standing close to a very large x-ray machine.
As the procedure began, I noticed that there were (ahem) elliptical graduations on the plexiglass breast-smashing thingy. As the machine wrenched my tissue completely flat, I failed to measure even a 1″. Notably, the graduations, however, continued up to 10!
In an attempt to instill humor into an otherwise uncomfortable situation, I asked the Short Stoic X-ray Lady (in my most sophisticated voice, of course), Hey Lady, do you ever see any ****ies that go all the way out to the 10?
She didnt answer me, and Im pretty sure she scowled.