Getting my daughter to bundle up

[aaarcher86]

I wouldn't make that assumption, aaarcher.
Dynamics start young.
I would not assume that expecting some respect and compliance at all times (control) will produce the perfect teen.
Or, the other way around.
But, I do feel that 'listening' and 'respect', start very young.

And, also, a question. When you say put the coat on, do you mean to have the kid put the coat on, or grab it and put it on them.

Around here, by six years old, dressing, tying shoes, etc... is a huge huge thing to be judged.
A kid is 'expected' to be independent when it comes to those kinds of things, and the schools and other parents, etc.. basically would show some real judgement towards a mother who does this king of thing. Kind of like taking a 4-5 year old to the 'potty' and wiping for them.
I can remember seeing that kind of judgement as early as 3 years old with my somewhat special needs son.

What do I personally mean?

Personally, I tell them to get their coat which also means put it on in my mind. I don't get it for them and put it on unless it's in the closet or something.

I totally get dynamics start young, but I also think parents make mountains out of mole hills. Is it really such a big deal to compromise with a kid learning about independence and having them put their mittens and hat in their pocket? I don't think so. And I still maintain the idea that a cold kid who knows they have an option of not being cold is going to take it. I'm not advocating to let them suffer or anything.

I encourage my kids to tell me how they feel or discuss issues with me. My middle is 8 now and she's walked out to the car to go to dance in a half top and shorts several times. I'll always tell her it's cold and if she ends up going out without a coat, so be it. Granted, it's just from a building to a car but we've frequently done the "why don't you take it and if you end up not wearing it then fine" bit. If a kid is supposed to be independent then we should be allowing them to make a few decisions that only affect themselves like this.

Honestly, I can guarantee I'm getting judged on something all the time with other parents. I really don't care. If it wasn't a jacket issue it'd be the fact that I curse like a sailor or have a tattoo on the back of my neck.

 

[aaarcher86]

Maybe we just have a weird family, but is it normal for a child to be so defiant that they are willing to shiver and insist they aren't cold? I get teaching respect and obedience.

To relate it to toilet training--a young child cannot necessarily tell if they have done a proper job. It is a hygiene issue.

For the coat, unless there was a safety issue--why pick that as the opportunity to insist on obedience every time?

My kids seem to know when they are cold and aren't too shy about letting me know. I have never had to force a winter coat on them. I will make them take it WITH them. But I never try to bundle them up when it is above freezing. The exception is when they cannot communicate their needs and so then get bundled up based on how I feel about the temperature.

But I also let my then-4yo head to Target with a shirt that doesn't match her skirt that doesn't match her tights that doesn't match her shoes that don't match each other all while she has 52 hair barrettes strategically placed on her head.

I believe I saw you the other day...

 

[hereyago]

I am a believer in personal consequences: give the coat and gloves, they choose not to wear, either they can handle the temperature or as Kevin Harts says"you"re going to learn today" and they put stuff on.

 

[shoney]

I would never fight with one of my kids about a coat. If they want to wear it, they do, if not, then don't.
By 6 years old they know if they are cold or not.
I am always hot. I am so surprised at how much ppl bundle up when it isn't even that cold out. I would die!

I remember years ago I asked another mom to take my son home from karate. He was around 6 at the time. When they got home, she apologized for upsetting him but she "made" him put on his coat for the 2 minute ride home. She explained that there was no way she would allow him to walk outside without a coat as it might give her children the idea to do it. Whatever! He got over it!

 

[Magpie]

I would never fight with one of my kids about a coat. If they want to wear it, they do, if not, then don't.
By 6 years old they know if they are cold or not.
I am always hot. I am so surprised at how much ppl bundle up when it isn't even that cold out. I would die!

I remember years ago I asked another mom to take my son home from karate. He was around 6 at the time. When they got home, she apologized for upsetting him but she "made" him put on his coat for the 2 minute ride home. She explained that there was no way she would allow him to walk outside without a coat as it might give her children the idea to do it. Whatever! He got over it!

I used to tell my guys, "Different families have different rules. Be polite and respect their rules, when you're at their house."

Mind you, my son turned that one around on me when he was nine, by spending a happy evening playing Grand Theft Auto at his buddy's house, because it was allowed there (he knew it wasn't allowed at our house). Fortunately, I'm good friends with his buddy's mom, so we made sure he couldn't pull that one again!

 

[jaybirdsmommy]

Meh, not worth the battle. A child that age will just take the coat/gloves/ etc off as soon as she's out of your sight. Like others have said, if she's cold, she'll wear it. If not, then maybe she just isn't cold.

I hated being bundled up when I was a child. And I do mean HATED it. I was always warmer than my parents were and would be sweating under all the layers they made me wear. Now I have a 12 year old who has refused to wear a coat for years (yes, we live in the south, but it was below 30 degrees this morning). My rule for him is that he has to wear long pants if it's below 40 at bus time and he has to at least take some kind of jacket with him (not that he'll wear it, but because it's embarassing to get a call from the school asking if I need help providing a coat for him).

There are more important power struggles than clothing.

 

[VandVsmama]

For a 6 year old? When my DDs were 6, they dawdled ALL THE TIME...often when we had to be somewhere at a certain time...like leaving for school. And when it's only 17 degrees outside in the morning, I don't care whether or not you want to put on your jacket and gloves, I'm the mama and I say you're going to wear it, so when they would drag their feet, I made them put the stuff on.

Now if it was 60 degrees outside? Different scenario. They're not going to have their fingers turn blue in 60 degree weather. Then I would go the Darwinism route and tell them, "You might be chilly today if you choose to not wear/bring a jacket. I would recommend wearing one, but it's your choice."

 

[pocomom]

I run hot. My mom is always cold. When I was 5 she took me to the pediatrician in February with this strange rash I kept getting. It was prickly heat. I vividly remember feeling so hot and uncomfortable ALL the time because of her overdressing me.
My girls run hot and my son runs cold. At 6 your child, assuming she "normal" is perfectly capable of telling if she is hot or cold. With my kids I try not to make battles over things when there isn't a reason.
In part because of this, I think I have MORE authority when it IS important. My kids know the rule for our house is they have to have a coat with them, fall,winter,and spring always.(we have gotten snow as early as Sept. And regularly in Oct.) Gloves, hat in the winter and a sweater/sweatshirt in the summer (frequently cool in evening) whether they put any of it on is up to them. It is simple, allows them to make their own choice, but I know they have what they need if they are cold.
My ds 6, most of the time wears his coat and a hat, and gloves frequently. My teen probably only ever has her coat zipped when we are skiing, and my middle is somewhere in the middle- no battle, everyone comfy, everyone safe.

 

[dja14]

Or, you know, you could demonstrate for the child how a thoughtful, reasonable person takes into account another person's feelings and desires. "Okay, I've decided you don't have to wear your mittens, but you do have to put them in your backpack, so that you can wear them later, if you change your mind." No conflict! And a child who is FAR more likely to listen to your opinions at sixteen, because you've been listening to theirs all along, and being a good example to them with regards to how people communicate.

We have 3 teens (one is oppositional defiant, 2 who are rule followers) With all three it has always worked better to #1 Choose your battle (seatbelts w/o question for example) #2 Explain your reason and be flexible when you can (taking cold gear along, flexible/reasonable curfew when needed) #3 Letting them choose as much as they can (this vegetable or this one, how they cut their hair or not, color it, etc)

Does it end all conflict, of course not but I wish someone had told me this when I had young kids. Forcing a strong line for things I really didn't care about just so they obeyed really wasn't worth it. When we switched to a few important things and explaining things (and listening and changing when we could) things went so much better, with all three. I might actually survive raising them, for sure I enjoy it more. All good students, responsible kids, do chores, dress fine, no one has come home with a wild blue perm. All still love Disney and family vacations

 

[bsblady01]

she is six and she needs to do what you tell her to do.

 

[dclpluto]

Op hasn't been back. Might be one post and done.

 

[pocomom]

[QUOTE="aaarcher86, post: 55112727, member: 269887"

Honestly, I can guarantee I'm getting judged on something all the time with other parents. I really don't care. If it wasn't a jacket issue it'd be the fact that I curse like a sailor or have a tattoo on the back of my neck.[/QUOTE]

Yep. Motherhood is pretty much agreeing to constant judgement -the trick is to not care!

 

[Rhona 07]

Sorry I've not been on in about 24 hours.

To anyone asking the temperature, all I know is its really cold which we get a lot here in Bonnie Scotland.

Now, regarding the "learn from natural consequences" comments, I really don't think that is a good idea for days that wind is gusting at about 90 miles an hour

When weather is as bad as that my daughter has no option but to zip her jacket, put up the hood (or wear a hat) and put on gloves.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

You don't see the connection between your child ignoring you when told to put their coat on in January at 6 and ignoring you when you tell them not to dress like a tramp at 16? Ok then. I see it as the child was taught at 6 they didn't have to listen to you so why would they listen at 16 but to each their own.

No one said anything about making every difference of opinion between a parent and child end with a winner and a loser. Who cares what color socks the are wearing as long as they are wearing socks? I don't care what color socks, what color shirt, what color pants or whatever the kids wear. But if it's the middle of winter, and a real winter, not Florida winter, they are going to wear proper clothing which means no tank tops to school and they are going to walk out the door in a winter coat, hats, and mittens at 6 years old whether they like it or not. At 16? If they want to be cold they can knock themselves out. But not 6.

There are notes in the weekly school newsletter every single week about making sure kids have the proper outdoor gear this time of year because it is such a widespread problem.

Your arm must hurt from doing all that reaching.

 

[pocomom]

Sorry I've not been on in about 24 hours.

To anyone asking the temperature, all I know is its really cold which we get a lot here in Bonnie Scotland.

Now, regarding the "learn from natural consequences" comments, I really don't think that is a good idea for days that wind is gusting at about 90 miles an hour

When weather is as bad as that my daughter has no option but to zip her jacket, put up the hood (or wear a hat) and put on gloves.

The point being if you don't make it an issue, she will wear the coat when she is cold.
If she is defying you now when you are telling her to put it on, do you think she isn't unzipping it when you aren't around? You are making it battle of wills.

 

[Rhona 07]

The point being if you don't make it an issue, she will wear the coat when she is cold.
If she is defying you now when you are telling her to put it on, do you think she isn't unzipping it when you aren't around? You are making it battle of wills.

I know she doesn't unzip it when I'm not around because I get told that by her friends and teachers.

 

[littleblackegg]

Since there are no real consequences of not wearing gloves and zipping up unless it is really freezing out, I'd think she can make her choices with this. She's not going to suffer any untoward effects. If she goes outside and she is cold, hopefully she will just come in and grab her coat. The best remedy for a power struggle is to drop your end.

 

[Rhona 07]

I have already said that I don't like the "learn from natural consequences" rule because I think its too dangerous to her health, just imagine going outside in 90+ mph winds with either no jacket on or the jacket unzipped!!

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I know she doesn't unzip it when I'm not around because I get told that by her friends and teachers.

Hold the phone. Her teachers report back to you if they see her unzip her coat? The kid isn't allowed to thermoregulate without threat of being tattled on?

 

[bsblady01]

Hold the phone. Her teachers report back to you if they see her unzip her coat? The kid isn't allowed to thermoregulate without threat of being tattled on?

something is not right with this.