Getting help for ds14-small update on post 51 and 52

[DizBelle]

Whoa-hold on a second. Why can people throw out diagnosis of rad, bipolar, etc. I am not talking silence of the lambs psychopaths!!

I just suggested she look at the symptoms
Deceptive behavior
Lying
Conning
Little remorse
Poorself control

Why is my suggestion any less valid?

I think some people jumped the gun and thought you were calling this kid Hannibal Lector rather than just suggesting that some of the behaviors described by the OP might fit the medical definition of a psychopath. That doesn't make the kid a serial killer.

In all fairness, the OP did ask for any help this was a fair suggestion. There's nothing wrong with a poster saying "hey, maybe you should check into this." The OP can look into it and say "maybe this is my kid's problem" and they have something to go on, or say "nope, not my kid" and continue searching. Both of which are fine.

I honestly think the poster was just trying to help.

 

[worried64]

Well, thanks everyone for all your many suggestions. I have been reading about and looking into many of the suggestions.

I really appreciate the advice to go right to the top and get a neuro-psych evaluation. I am going to look into that tomorrow. I hope the wait time for an appointment is not too long. I'd like to get this going this summer since dh and I are both off work.

Now how to explain to ds that he is to have an exam of this type. I know that I will mention that he often seems frustrated and bored at home and I thought we could find out if there is a reason and also find out if there is anything we can do as parents. Any other advice?

Thanks for all the support, well wishes, and hugs. I took all suggestions seriously so thank you.

 

[NotUrsula]

...
Now how to explain to ds that he is to have an exam of this type. I know that I will mention that he often seems frustrated and bored at home and I thought we could find out if there is a reason and also find out if there is anything we can do as parents. Any other advice?

You need to find some time to talk to him in whatever setting he is most likely to actually listen, and get it through to him that he needs to take the exam seriously and give the doctor real answers and not jokes, even if the questions strike him as ridiculous. This is especially important if you are paying OOP for the evaluation. DS had the time of his life deliberately giving fake answers that he knew would cause the doctors to reach incorrect conclusions. (They asked him the "what animal would you be" question in two different sessions. In one he told them he would have liked to be a narwhal, and in the other he upped the ante a bit more and said he thought being a geoduck would be cool. Of course, the therapists had to look those animals up, and we got a report about how he seemed to have a ph**lic fixation. That explained why he was splitting a gut laughing all the way home -- he knew that the doctors would read significance into that and he did it to try to make fools out of them.) We had to go back for three full rounds of evaluation before they got enough non-joke answers out of him to be able to make a diagnosis; it cost a FORTUNE.

 

[hegsag]

I've posted about ds14 before under this username. Things haven't gotten any better. I know he's a teenage but in my heart know that his issues are more than just typical teenage stuff. I have three other younger kids.

Lies constantly but is extremely difficult to catch. I've punished him just based on gut feeling many times and some times, he's later admitted it. He doesn't understand the idea of "benefit of the doubt". DD12usually receives the benefit of the doubt because she is generally honest and trustworthy. He rarely receives the benefit of the doubt because he is not. This really makes him angry.

Constantly annoys the other kids in our family-pokes them in the belly, pretends to hit them, always in their faces. Constantly. I never seem to see it, he's sneaky and does it when I'm not around, denies it EVERY time. This is a huge problem in our house as it affects three other people in a negative manner. They are always saying "Why don't you ever do anything about him?" He could be a lawyer due to the many ways he defends himself when he is accused of doing something that I didn't see happen. Lately, he's been walking past his 12 year old sister muttering "**nis". I have never heard him do it, but dh is unwilling to believe that he would do it and I am totally convinced that he does it. DD12 would not fabricate that out of the blue and it is upsetting to her.

Always has his nose in other people's business-if I am correcting one of the other kids, he always pipes in with "Yea, Mark!". He tries to tell us how to parent and discipline. Always wants to be the parent.

Focuses on things and just can't let them go. Was a wreck while camping because he was nervous about the horseflies, got highly agitated and mad about them. Too many other examples to mention.

This kid has been grounded more times and for long lengths of time than any other kid I know of. We've taken away anything that means anything to him-cell phone, video games, computer use...he always returns to this behavior.

On his defense, he has a very loving, side. He's very smart, high honor roll at school, teachers have nothing but great things to say about him. No issues whatsoever at school. Doesn't have many friends at all. People he texts, peole on facebook, but only one friend who he gets together with occasionally. He is a sophmore in high school. He's an excellent musician, practices, loves cross country and track. When he's not fixating on bugging someone or sticking his nose in someone else's business, he's a very interesting kid.

I personally think he needs to see a counselor something. Perhaps he has ODD. Our other kids get along great and the house is always fairly peaceful when he is not around. We have the normal arguments but I believe that he has deeper issues.

Problem is that dh had to go to family counseling when he was a teenager due to his dad's alchoholism and hated it and felt stigmatized so he will hear none of getting help for our son. I am at the point that I will put my foot down and just do it, I feel we are doing ds no favors by not addressing this.

If you've read this far, thank you. Any help you can offer, I would appreciate.

OP, I could have written your post - only thing is my son is only 4. We just had him tested (two weeks in a row) and we go back in another week for the diagnosis. What they kept saying at the second appointment was that my son is dysregulated...hopefully, I will have more answers when all is said and done (we had to pay out of pocket for this big eval.). GL

 

[ksumn1]

I agree that it sounds like DS may have some issues, either behavioral, psychological or nuerological. Obviously, if you're his Mom and you're concerned, then the problem needs to be addressed.

I would just sit him down honestly and tell him that you think there may be a reason for some of his behaviors and you want him to be examined. If he argues, tries to say there;s nothing worng then simply reply "Then you have nothing to worry about" But stress to him how important that he be honest with the doctors and that anything he tells them will be confidential. He may tell them much more than he's willing to tell you or your DH.

Good luck. I hope everything turns out well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree that it sounds like DS may have some issues, either behavioral, psychological or nuerological. Obviously, if you're his Mom and you're concerned, then the problem needs to be addressed.

I would just sit him down honestly and tell him that you think there may be a reason for some of his behaviors and you want him to be examined. If he argues, tries to say there;s nothing worng then simply reply "Then you have nothing to worry about" But stress to him how important that he be honest with the doctors and that anything he tells them will be confidential. He may tell them much more than he's willing to tell you or your DH.

Good luck. I hope everything turns out well.

Totally agree. It is what I did with my dd's. We also ruled out medical first.

OP, when you take charge for most kids it is a relief that you are finally doing something. At least that was my experience with both of my dd's.

 

[Tauwillow]

Tell him that your job as his mom is to help him become the most successful adult he can be. You take this role seriously, and will move heaven and earth to help him achieve everything he is capable of.

Acknowledge his success in school and with his outside relationships, but let him know that you're aware of his struggles at home. Tell him that you want to make sure that when he leaves home in a few years, he will be able to continue to do as well as he has been.

Youve learned that some peoples brains work differently than others, and that just knowing how a brain works can give a person the tools to adapt to situations differently. This doesn't mean the person is sick, broken, bad, or wrong - it just means that they have to approach life differently in order to succeed.

Getting evaluated means that you have the chance to learn how his brain works. Once everyone knows how it works, you will know what he needs to continue to do well for the rest of his life. This is powerful good stuff! Not cooperating with the eval means he is cheating himself out of the opportunity to get the tricks to a better life - and not everyone has that chance. He is very lucky in this way.

This is the approach I've used with both of my special needs kids. Their disabilities are not liabilities - it means they think "outside of the box" and will have advantages in certain situations as a result. They are both dynamic, creative, and incredible kids. (they are also exhausting, challenging and put me through my paces!)

We talk openly and candidly about their diagnoses. Its neither a big deal nor a source of embarrassment. They both have IEPs at school, and our philosophy is that all of this is their toolkit for success.

Sorry, that was longer than I intended it to be. Its just something I feel very strongly about. Our kids do not need to feel badly about their challenges, ever. They just need to know how to adapt and forge ahead.

Our neuro-psych office had a 6 month waiting list. I admit to blubbering on the phone when I learned this, and was fortunate enough that they were willing to fit us in 4 weeks later. (I was so overwhelmed and in over my head at the time) I would have waited, however, because I believed it was the best option for the eval.

It cost us $1400, which was an extreme hardship at the time. I would pay it again tomorrow. It was worth every penny.

 

[MoniqueU]

I wish you the best but want you to know up front that couseling is just one step to take and it doesn't always work and you may have try several and possibly a psychiatrist. I have a best friend whos son has been in couseling since I have known him at age 4. He also has a psychatrist. She is now currently divorced and it says in the decree that they both have to agree on the dr. In the past three months he has tried to jump off the balcony, light himself on fire, thrown the cat into a wall and laid his hands on his mom. The dad wouldn't consent to inpatient treatment for him and is insisting on using the same psychiatrist who wants to slowly put him on meds that the dr she took him to and knows and trusts says he needs it immediately. She needs to take him back to court and we have all told her that and she is so worn down trying to do the right thing.

So while your sons behavior is not as severe as my friends son just be prepare that you might have a battle on your hands and the problem may not go away with simple psychogists intervention.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wish you the best but want you to know up front that couseling is just one step to take and it doesn't always work and you may have try several and possibly a psychiatrist. I have a best friend whos son has been in couseling since I have known him at age 4. He also has a psychatrist. She is now currently divorced and it says in the decree that they both have to agree on the dr. In the past three months he has tried to jump off the balcony, light himself on fire, thrown the cat into a wall and laid his hands on his mom. The dad wouldn't consent to inpatient treatment for him and is insisting on using the same psychiatrist who wants to slowly put him on meds that the dr she took him to and knows and trusts says he needs it immediately. She needs to take him back to court and we have all told her that and she is so worn down trying to do the right thing.

So while your sons behavior is not as severe as my friends son just be prepare that you might have a battle on your hands and the problem may not go away with simple psychogists intervention.

I have to say that nothing about my dd's issues "went away". To put simply, we learned how to find successful coping strategies for the major things and minor things are a work in progress always.

It is not about erasing the problem but dealing with the problems more effectively. It does require the cooperation of the child. Some kids will want to try and improve things right away. For some kids it may just be a start.

As far as your friend, I don't know what to say. The situation sounds pretty severe.

My cousin was a mentally ill and denied treatment because parents were unable to face the reality. Once they are 18 you are done. If you have a severe situation you are in a race against the clock to get help sometimes.

My cousin is in his 30's now and my aunt recently got him into a group home. Let's just say the family is glad he is gone. He was an unmedicated schizophrenic in severe psychosis.

 

[Green Tea]

I agree that it sounds like DS may have some issues, either behavioral, psychological or nuerological. Obviously, if you're his Mom and you're concerned, then the problem needs to be addressed.

I would just sit him down honestly and tell him that you think there may be a reason for some of his behaviors and you want him to be examined. If he argues, tries to say there;s nothing worng then simply reply "Then you have nothing to worry about" But stress to him how important that he be honest with the doctors and that anything he tells them will be confidential. He may tell them much more than he's willing to tell you or your DH.

Good luck. I hope everything turns out well.

I disagree with the sentence I hilighted. It is almost as though you would be setting him up that if there is something wrong, he is bad. Kind of the same as the father giving such a negative vibe to counseling.

I would try to set it up as if it was any medical thing. You wouldn't blame a kid for having diabetes or scholiosis. Don't give the impression that mental illnesses are any less medical.

 

[worried64]

I took ds to the allergist today for allergy testing. It's been long overdue. He has severe allergies to cat, grasses, dust mites, outdoor mold and other things. He will be getting allergy shots starting next week. I personally feel that allergies and behavior go hand in hand at times. we'll see where this goes.

 

[worried64]

Just discovered today that ds has been pulling out his eyelashes and some of his eyebrows. DH is getting on board with getting some help-baby steps though with him. Just talked to him about it today and he was not at all on board, then we discovered ds' eyelashes. Talk about good timing.

 

[4forMe]

Just discovered today that ds has been pulling out his eyelashes and some of his eyebrows. DH is getting on board with getting some help-baby steps though with him. Just talked to him about it today and he was not at all on board, then we discovered ds' eyelashes. Talk about good timing.

These symptoms suggest either an anxiety disorder and/or obsessive compulsive disorder (I have a background in mental health counseling).

Please get your DS scheduled for an evaluation with a neuropsychologist and/or psychiatrist ASAP. It will be difficult to determine proper interventions for him without an accurate diagnosis. His issues will not go away on their own - he needs to get proper treatment/counseling.

I know first hand of having a DH who is not on board (my DS was just diagnosed with ADHD after major resistance by my DH). These issues will not go away on their own. Your DS only has you to be the one to get this evaluation scheduled. Please pick up the phone and schedule the appointment.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think the allergy thing could be a MAJOR factor.
Allergies (especially food allergies too) can cause a feeling of agitation and behavioral difficulties.
Good job on that...

If you have not already, start him on a religious regimen of Zyrtec, EVERY night....

My son has been on shots for similar allergies for over a year now...
No marked improvement on the allergies - but the Zyrtec is a GODSEND.
I am hoping that the shots are working, but it can take some time.

Especially in light of undiagnosed allergies, I would not go jumping to any big conclusions/diagnosis regarding your new observations....

I hope that getting a good eval goes smoothly and that things improve quickly!

 

[Tinijocaro]

Good luck!