Funeral- would this upset you?

[crashbb]

Seriously, what is wrong with some of you....that is incredibly rude and hurtful.

A lot of us think the way you are referring to your BIL is rude and hateful. As is the implication that those who don't agree with you must not love their family as much as you do.

 

[Allison]

I have an EXTREMELY large family so of course I can't see everyone or attend every funeral. But I do the best I can. This situation is COMPLETELY different due to the relationship and the wishes of the deceased and family. He did not attend the funeral for a Great Uncle that passed away a year before due to the distance/work and while we wished he could have attended everyone understood. This is a completely different situation/relationship.

I'm betting your BIL believes he did the best he could too.

You are judging him based on your own criteria for what should be done.

 

[jrmasm]

How would you feel if you found out that your great uncle's family was judging you for not attending his funeral?

 

[wdwfan16]

A BLOOD relative has nothing to do with anything and never once did I say that...I have maintained from the beginning it is about the relationship you had with that person! Seriously, what is wrong with some of you....that is incredibly rude and hurtful. My parents and my aunts and uncles attended and obviously their relationship with him is completely different than mine....he is a distant relative to me. I have 22 BLOOD aunts/uncles plus their spouses on just my moms side of the family....no I do not know some of them very well (even my mom doesn't). My grandmother was the youngest of 14, my grandfather one of 8. I have known my DH's grandfather for 15 years and seen him weekly, so while he isn't BLOOD, he is BLOOD to my DH and my son and our relationship was a lot different than some of my more distant relatives.

You Granparents had 23 kids!!!!!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

A BLOOD relative has nothing to do with anything and never once did I say that...I have maintained from the beginning it is about the relationship you had with that person! Seriously, what is wrong with some of you....that is incredibly rude and hurtful. My parents and my aunts and uncles attended and obviously their relationship with him is completely different than mine....he is a distant relative to me. I have 22 BLOOD aunts/uncles plus their spouses on just my moms side of the family....no I do not know some of them very well (even my mom doesn't). My grandmother was the youngest of 14, my grandfather one of 8. I have known my DH's grandfather for 15 years and seen him weekly, so while he isn't BLOOD, he is BLOOD to my DH and my son and our relationship was a lot different than some of my more distant relatives.

We are trying to help you understand that you personally (and seriously, neither should his family) be judging him so harshly and critically.

You have done your best to convince us why it was so important--and you can't see how within your own grieving of the past several months where even you had to make personal decisions that you felt were right for you.

By placing expectations on people that you yourself cannot reasonably fulfill is unfair and thus you are being rude and hurtful to them.

I have this behavior in my family. Only it doesn't occur around funerals. It comes around that my "live-in" family--my mom and my siblings, get their panties in a bunch whenever I make plans with my in-laws or heaven forbid ANY plans with my dad or his side of the family.

Their reasoning makes sense, but it is extremely unfair and I had enough and told them as such.

They rationalized that since I may have typical "in-law" issues that I might vent about, why on earth would I want to spend all my time with them at their expense.

They also rationalize that since I have a less than pleasant tolerance of my father, that I am being hypocritical if I have plans with them (and goodness knows, I am extremely restrictive on that notion in the first place).

My mother and sister both got their panties in a twist b/c I had plans to visit my grandparents in California in December.

I hadn't been their since 1991--they'd done quite a few trips out, but the last one they could make was in 2007.

We had promised to get out there "one day" and one day had arrived.

Well--my mother had a cow as did my sister. Nevermind that I had just seen them in June and announced it in September. My sister internalized it as a slap in the face b/c she had plans to come in December and while I did not specify our dates--the original dates were not in conflict. When I discovered that we had a conflict on our own calendar, my husband changed the dates--and it did ultimately overlap. But my sister didn't know that. She didn't ask. She had a cow.

I was told that "FAMILY COMES FIRST".

I had finally had enough and fully explained to her that I do have more than one family--the other half that created me as well as my husband's family. She needed to get off of her high horse.

I had stated quite frankly, that they were elder, we had promised for years and we had the opportunity thanks to a small inheritance from DH's grandfather, we could get out there. I wanted to go before they past.

Her wonderful considerate thought is that everyone will die someday.

Sadly, we had to cancel the trip due to lay off, I got to see my sister anyway=--yay for her....and then my grandmother passed in January.

I would have preferred to go out to Cali before she died--DH allowed use of our emergency fund to travel to the Funeral--but it conflicted on the single solitary day that I could not go and DH's work plans (and the fact that he lived out of state) prevented him from coming home to honor those commitments so that I could go to Cali.

It sucked all the way around.

But you know what--my grandfather..the grieving man...UNDERSTOOD! I had the means, I had the money--but he never once held me to task that if I didn't go--then I sucked.

To me--that is the message. That is what family means.

Perhaps I have dealt with it enough in my family--but I'm so sick of having to prove loyalty at any expense. To me it is just downright greedy.

If I catch heck b/c I make the best decision for my nuclear family--certain people will hear about it, b/c I'm over them controllling me and telling me that "I have to..for the family".

You have done nothing but rationalize your behavior while failing to give a modicum of care to attempt to rationalize your BIL's behavior.

Your family is being irrational.

I understand your POV--I would be irritated if someone did something seemingly selfish. But the rational side would kick in and realize that there isn't a dang thing I can do about it and it doesn't mean that the person is of poor character as you have carefully implied in all of your responses.

 

[agnes!]

OP, I think you & yours have it in for this BIL. It seems the entire family - or, at least, your FIL, your MIL, your DH and you - is mad at him, everyone seems disappointed in his leaving before the funeral & in his behavior while he was there.

SO know that all the following is in your future...

Be prepared for all family events - reunions, Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever - that this BIL & his DWife attend to be full of strain and stress.

Be prepared for the family to continue to gossip about this BIL every time every single time they are together and he is not.

Be prepared for the resentment to stew and to simmer and to concentrate until finally one day it will explode. This process might take a year, might take five, might take 20...

Time cannot be reversed, the relationship cannot be returned to what it appeared to be a week or two weeks ago. Your BIL chose to go to his home. Your ILs & your DH can now chose to hold on to their anger at their brother and son or to let it go.

The family has a decision to make. You all can now choose to punish him for what he is not or choose to accept him for what he is.

agnes!

 

[Jennasis]

OP, I think you & yours have it in for this BIL. It seems the entire family - or, at least, your FIL, your MIL, your DH and you - is mad at him, everyone seems disappointed in his leaving before the funeral & in his behavior while he was there.

SO know that all the following is in your future...

Be prepared for all family events - reunions, Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever - that this BIL & his DWife attend to be full of strain and stress.

Be prepared for the family to continue to gossip about this BIL every time every single time they are together and he is not.

Be prepared for the resentment to stew and to simmer and to concentrate until finally one day it will explode. This process might take a year, might take five, might take 20...

Time cannot be reversed, the relationship cannot be returned to what it appeared to be a week or two weeks ago. Your BIL chose to go to his home. Your ILs & your DH can now chose to hold on to their anger at their brother and son or to let it go.

The family has a decision to make. You all can now choose to punish him for what he is not or choose to accept him for what he is.

agnes!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

OP, I think you & yours have it in for this BIL. It seems the entire family - or, at least, your FIL, your MIL, your DH and you - is mad at him, everyone seems disappointed in his leaving before the funeral & in his behavior while he was there.

SO know that all the following is in your future...

Be prepared for all family events - reunions, Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever - that this BIL & his DWife attend to be full of strain and stress.

Be prepared for the family to continue to gossip about this BIL every time every single time they are together and he is not.

Be prepared for the resentment to stew and to simmer and to concentrate until finally one day it will explode. This process might take a year, might take five, might take 20...

Time cannot be reversed, the relationship cannot be returned to what it appeared to be a week or two weeks ago. Your BIL chose to go to his home. Your ILs & your DH can now chose to hold on to their anger at their brother and son or to let it go.

The family has a decision to make. You all can now choose to punish him for what he is not or choose to accept him for what he is.

agnes!

You tell it, sister!

 

[MUFFYCAT]

I still don't get why you're upset???
He drove 6 hours and stayed for the weekend. Just because it's not what you want or did he's wrong???

I'm glad I'm not in your family. There would be some intense "conversations" with the warped mind some of you have. It's either your way or no way.

 

[krcit]

I can't believe that this thread is still going!Add me to the bunch that just doesn't see the problem BIL came to be with the family so it's not like he just blew off the whole thing. Who knows why he went home. Could be a number of reasons, could be he just didn't think he could handle the funeral. Not my place (or anyone else's) to judge.

 

[ols386]

OP, I think you & yours have it in for this BIL. It seems the entire family - or, at least, your FIL, your MIL, your DH and you - is mad at him, everyone seems disappointed in his leaving before the funeral & in his behavior while he was there.

SO know that all the following is in your future...

Be prepared for all family events - reunions, Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever - that this BIL & his DWife attend to be full of strain and stress.

Be prepared for the family to continue to gossip about this BIL every time every single time they are together and he is not.

Be prepared for the resentment to stew and to simmer and to concentrate until finally one day it will explode. This process might take a year, might take five, might take 20...

Time cannot be reversed, the relationship cannot be returned to what it appeared to be a week or two weeks ago. Your BIL chose to go to his home. Your ILs & your DH can now chose to hold on to their anger at their brother and son or to let it go.

The family has a decision to make. You all can now choose to punish him for what he is not or choose to accept him for what he is.

agnes!

Well said!!


Either we accept family members (or anyone for that matter) for who and what they are....or we don't. We can't control the behavior of others, but we can control our own behavior. Just because someone doesn't handle a situation exactly the same way as we would, doesn't necessarily make them right or wrong. But to judge them for not doing as we would do, is just wrong.

 

[angwill]

I think everyone deals with death differently and what one feels is right is not always right for everyone. I think funerals tend to create issues in families that are not needed. Hey my mother didn't show up for her own son's death bed or funeral, she said she couldn't handle it so DB and myself had to deal with everything. It hurt and still does that she didn't show but she did what she felt she needed to do.

I think you should support DH in his grief and gently urge him to forgive his brother and deal with his own grief without letting the anger that goes with grieving to be projected on others.

 

[mumom95]

, the wishes of the deceased, .

Did the grandfather specifically say he wanted BIL at his funeral, even if it would be a hardship for him to come?

 

[MUFFYCAT]

Well said!!


Either we accept family members (or anyone for that matter) for who and what they are....or we don't. We can't control the behavior of others, but we can control our own behavior. Just because someone doesn't handle a situation exactly the same way as we would, doesn't necessarily make them right or wrong. But to judge them for not doing as we would do, is just wrong.

Well said also!!

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Seriously I would have gone to a viewing if they would have had one but they only had a funeral. I can't be in two places at once. I only saw him 1x a year where DH's grandfather we saw at least once a week. I would have made an effort if they wouldn't have been at the exact same time.


In this case they had an evening viewing and the funeral was the next day. It was also a distant relative...not someone like a grandparent who we saw all the time. If it would have been closer we would have gone to the funeral.

See, these are parameters that you have set in your mind of which funerals are mandatory and which are not. You only saw great uncle 1x per year and was a distant relative so you have decided that this makes it ok to blow off the funeral.

Your Great Uncle's family may feel differently in that they feel ALL blood relatives should be at a funeral - their expectations for going to a funeral.

Just like you are judging your BIL for not abiding by the rules you personally have set for funeral attendance, your great uncle's family has the right by your example, to judge you according to their expectations.

Why can you not see that everybody has a different view of funerals and respect your BIL for his decision, just as you would expect your Great Uncle's family to respect your decision to not attend his funeral.

It was you who has determined that distant relative's funerals are not important. Respect the reasons that your BIL felt that he did what his parameters told him was the proper thing to do. Just like you expect your other relatives to respect your decision of whether or not to attend funerals of your relatives, no matter the relationship.

See this bugs me. He is a teacher. He gets off all holidays (including winter break, spring break, etc) plus all summer. He also gets sick days and personal days. Again I only know this because the family is full of teachers and they often talk about this stuff. Yes it is his choice as to what he would use them for....but isn't that what they are there for? Situations like this?

Sounds like you are not only jealous of how he treats his wife for valentine's day, but you also have issues on how much time he gets off and how he spends it.

It really is none of your business.

 

[curious3069]

Would it upset me? Sure, even though logically I would know he might have had other commitments, ie his job, to get home for, grief isn't always about logic. So yes, I would be upset for a bit.


Would this become a lifelong, hold a grudge and be so upset that it affect my relationship with this person? Nope.

It's ok if you are upset, but you seem to be beyond that. Right wrong or indifferent, what difference does it make in the long run? Your BIL will be the one who might have a regret in the future. Since you keep bringing up that "in your community this doesn't happen", is it safe to say that him not being there was an embarassment to your family and you had to answer a lot of questions about his absence??

 

[wdwfan16]

Did the grandfather specifically say he wanted BIL at his funeral, even if it would be a hardship for him to come?

If I ever go to a wake where the deceased starts talking you better bet I am not going to the funeral!!!!!

 

[ols386]

I think everyone deals with death differently and what one feels is right is not always right for everyone. I think funerals tend to create issues in families that are not needed. Hey my mother didn't show up for her own son's death bed or funeral, she said she couldn't handle it so DB and myself had to deal with everything. It hurt and still does that she didn't show but she did what she felt she needed to.

Exactly. My step-Mom didn't want to be there when my dad passed away. I did want to be there, so I was there. I have no hard feelings towards her at all for feeling that way, and she was not there when he passed. She dealt with it the best way she knew how.

 

[puffkin]

Did the grandfather specifically say he wanted BIL at his funeral, even if it would be a hardship for him to come?

Actually, yes he did. He had preplanned his entire service and life celebration about 2 months ago. He asked all the grandsons and grandsons in law personally to be pallbearers at his funeral. He said it would be a tremendous honor to him. That man also loved a good party They were deeply religious (catholic) so obviously there are a lot of catholic traditions surrounding a death as with any religion. He wanted to have the full funeral mass to convey his faith as well as comfort his wife in the rituals of the catholic church. I am not catholic but I can see how that would be deeply comforting to someone of deep faith. Then he wanted a "hopping" (his words) party of fellowship and rememberance with all his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren there. He even planned it for a place that was suitable for the little ones...heck he even picked out the menu (one of his nephews is a caterer) and included chicken fingers for the toddlers He loved nothing more than spending time with the family...especially the little ones. 4 of the 7 grandchildren live out of state (furthest is 10 hours away) and everyone was there (including their SO and children) except for BIL. We all suffered financial hardships to be there (I am a temp and didn't get paid for the day for instance and it will affect my budget). An outsider to the family may not understand this but it is just so strange that he wasn't there especially considering the relationship he (and all the grandchildren) had with him. The grandfather was a good man and he would do ANYTHING for his family and he did on numerous occassions sacrifice his own personal good to help those around him (including BIL). It is just a really hard pill for all of us to swallow and process....it really did feel like a slap in the face to a man who only thought of others.

In this case it was what the deceased (as well as the living) wanted. That family loves a good get together....but I can see how this may be unusual because I have been around others who don't want any of that at their passing.

 

[MiniGirl]

OP, I think you & yours have it in for this BIL. It seems the entire family - or, at least, your FIL, your MIL, your DH and you - is mad at him, everyone seems disappointed in his leaving before the funeral & in his behavior while he was there.

SO know that all the following is in your future...

Be prepared for all family events - reunions, Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever - that this BIL & his DWife attend to be full of strain and stress.

Be prepared for the family to continue to gossip about this BIL every time every single time they are together and he is not.

Be prepared for the resentment to stew and to simmer and to concentrate until finally one day it will explode. This process might take a year, might take five, might take 20...

Time cannot be reversed, the relationship cannot be returned to what it appeared to be a week or two weeks ago. Your BIL chose to go to his home. Your ILs & your DH can now chose to hold on to their anger at their brother and son or to let it go.

The family has a decision to make. You all can now choose to punish him for what he is not or choose to accept him for what he is.

agnes!

This is what I was trying to say in my earlier post, but you said it so much better. Thanks. I will add, too, though, that the BIL may never understand why there is this animosity towards him, but he will feel it and he will start to use the geographical distance between ya'll to pull further and further away from his "close" family.