Funeral- would this upset you?

[puffkin]

My DH's grandfather passed away this weekend. He has been having some pretty serious health issues and he took a turn for the worse last week and passed very late on Friday night. Most of the immediate family is local. There is a grandchild that drove her family in from Maine, another that came in from NY, and BIL who drove up from Virginia. This is a pretty close family, we see each other all the time.

So the viewing was last night and the funeral/mass is today. Last night at the viewing BIL is not there. Turns out he drove back to Virginia on Sunday. He didn't want to miss any more work for the funeral (he is a high school gym teacher...he left Friday afternoon around lunch time so he only missed 1 afternoon of school). MIL also said he was really upset that he missed Valentines Day with his wife. I couldn't believe that they were making excuses for him! Many relatives were inquiring where he was. Would this bother anyone else? My DH is really mad about this...but obviously won't say anything. I am missing work and since I am a temp I won't get paid for the day but it never even crossed my mind not to go to the funeral. This is his GRANDFATHER!

So, what do you think?

 

[Christine]

I think people need to do what they need to do. Your BIL has to live with the choices he makes and, if he's from Virginia, he *might* have missed most of last week for school and needed to get back today. Not all of Virginia was like that but much of Virginia was snowed in last week.

He showed up, he supported the family. I personally think that's enough and I don't think families should judge so harshly.

 

[wdwfan16]

This would not bother me. He came and paid his last respects.

Many schools do not allow the time off unless the person is a close relative. My aunt is a teacher and she was not allowed any time off when your DH's brother died. He was not close enough family.

 

[luvmy3]

He drove up from Virginia to be with family during the weekend but was not going to go to the viewing or funeral? No, I wouldn't be upset with him, he did what he could.

 

[grumpeeduck]

I think it is an extremely personal decision and should not be judged by family members who may be looking for something wrong..................

 

[NikiM20]

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Maybe he has a financial need that he needed to return back to work because he could not afford the extra day or two off?

 

[puffkin]

To clarify....he had school last week. They didn't miss for those storms as their area of Virginia didn't get hit with the storms.

It was his grandfather. That is a pretty close relative in my book.

He wasn't at the viewing. He left the day before.

He FORGOT to find out the bereavement policy in his contract before he left school on Friday.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My DH's grandfather passed away this weekend. He has been having some pretty serious health issues and he took a turn for the worse last week and passed very late on Friday night. Most of the immediate family is local. There is a grandchild that drove her family in from Maine, another that came in from NY, and BIL who drove up from Virginia. This is a pretty close family, we see each other all the time.

So the viewing was last night and the funeral/mass is today. Last night at the viewing BIL is not there. Turns out he drove back to Virginia on Sunday. He didn't want to miss any more work for the funeral (he is a high school gym teacher...he left Friday afternoon around lunch time so he only missed 1 afternoon of school). MIL also said he was really upset that he missed Valentines Day with his wife. I couldn't believe that they were making excuses for him! Many relatives were inquiring where he was. Would this bother anyone else? My DH is really mad about this...but obviously won't say anything. I am missing work and since I am a temp I won't get paid for the day but it never even crossed my mind not to go to the funeral. This is his GRANDFATHER!

So, what do you think?

No. People's private business is not my concern. Now I might have wished he was there but then I would have turned my attention to the people that were there. I find it to be a much better existence.

I used to be someone who would be mad, complain, etc. about others however I don't do that anymore.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My grandmother past away. I could not go. My grandfather was very understanding.

Different people handle things differently. Perhaps he could have handled his departure better...

but quite frankly, as petty as my family (who are not related to my grandparents) can be when I do things in the interest of my family, I am really over trying to "impress" family that they are more important.

Sorry--I'm not going to wave a stick and call him naughty without fully understanding his circumstances. He came and spent time with family as he was able to.

Holding a grudge b/c he didn't go to the specific events that the family thought he should have is petty--considering this is grandfather and not an immediate family member.

He can't help that Valentine's Day was Sunday. Liley noone would be griping.


As others have said--Virginia has had a littel bit of snow trouble and perhaps he was already missed work.

I think your DH is being too critical.

 

[Christine]

To clarify....he had school last week. They didn't miss for those storms as their area of Virginia didn't get hit with the storms.

It was his grandfather. That is a pretty close relative in my book.

He wasn't at the viewing. He left the day before.

He FORGOT to find out the bereavement policy in his contract before he left school on Friday.

Well, I tend to look at these types of things as "whatever." He did come. So, he sounds a little absentminded. Maybe he doesn't like funerals. I just don't understand why the family seems to be looking for a reason to be in a snit with someone. Just let it go. He didn't do anything to personally hurt someone. It's HIS relationship with HIS grandfather. I guess I didn't realize that there are ways people are supposed to behave in these situations.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

To clarify....he had school last week. They didn't miss for those storms as their area of Virginia didn't get hit with the storms.

It was his grandfather. That is a pretty close relative in my book.

He wasn't at the viewing. He left the day before.

He FORGOT to find out the bereavement policy in his contract before he left school on Friday.

To me it is all irrelevant.

It is not up to us to direct the grief of others and demand their presence just b/c we feel it important.

 

[MiniGirl]

Nope.... wouldn't bother me in the least.

Instead of worrying about what he didn't do I would look at what he did do. Also, his mother seemed to understand and not be too upset by it. I don't think ya'll should be either.

All of my grandparents are long gone. Both of my folks have passed away and several aunts and uncles. Loss is never easy. It does make you cherish your relationships that you have with those that are still living. It is perfectly understandable for your BIL to feel a deep loneliness during this time and want to go home to see his wife. Life is short. Cut the guy a break.

And I'm sorry for your family's loss.

 

[puffkin]

He drove up from Virginia to be with family during the weekend but was not going to go to the viewing or funeral? No, I wouldn't be upset with him, he did what he could.

I think that is the main reason DH is upset. Because their father and grandmother are understandably taking this very hard. Yes he was here over the weekend, but he spent most of it whining about how he wasn't with his wife on Valentines Day (he spent HOURS on Sunday on the phone/texting with her rather than with the family). Everyone would be upset but understand if he had to go back for financial reasons (although he never bothered to find out if he got bereavement leave) but the V-day thing just pushed some over the edge.

 

[Christine]

Yes he was here over the weekend, but he spent most of it whining about how he wasn't with his wife on Valentines Day (he spent HOURS on Sunday on the phone/texting with her rather than with the family). Everyone would be upset but understand if he had to go back for financial reasons (although he never bothered to find out if he got bereavement leave) but the V-day thing just pushed some over the edge.

Well, that kind of thing would totally disgust me of course--I hate a whiny man! But, what are you gonna do. This is how he is. Obviously he is more concerned with his wife's feelings than anyone else. Maybe they have one of those marriages where he pays dearly if he doesn't do everything correctly with his wife.

But, there's really nothing you can do and I think it's pointless for the family to get up in arms over him. Just roll your eyes and get past it.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Wouldn't bother me in the least. He had to do what is right for him. Is his grandfather going to get mad at him???

Heck, DH's grandmother was sick when we went on our first cruise. We were fairly certain she would pass away while on the boat. He tried to stay in FL with his parents so that he could be there for the funeral. His father insisted that he get on the ship. FIL felt DH had paid his respects when she was still alive and he shouldn't give it another thought. She passed the day after we got on the boat. She was buried by the time we got back. His father does not hold any grudges at all. Not quite sure why you're so upset over this BIL not being there for the whole event.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

His life, his grief. No one has the right to judge how others deal with these situations.

 

[Acklander]

Everyone grieves differently. I know it's hard, but when it comes to death and how others react try not to judge based on how YOU choose to react. Nothing good comes of it. You'll just have to accept that he did the best he could under the circumstances.

 

[luvmy3]

I think that is the main reason DH is upset. Because their father and grandmother are understandably taking this very hard. Yes he was here over the weekend, but he spent most of it whining about how he wasn't with his wife on Valentines Day (he spent HOURS on Sunday on the phone/texting with her rather than with the family). Everyone would be upset but understand if he had to go back for financial reasons (although he never bothered to find out if he got bereavement leave) but the V-day thing just pushed some over the edge.

It still wouldn't bother me, its not for me to say how others are supposed to act when a family member dies.

 

[John VN]

Anybody ask the Grandfather what he thought about it?

Plenty of family around to comfort those who need it. He should do what he wants/needs to do.

 

[puffkin]

Wow, I guess my family is really weird then!!!!! I have a very large family and unfortunately attend a lot of funerals and I have NEVER seen a son/daughter or adult grandchild not be there except for one that was in the hospital for cancer treatment and one that was serving in Iraq.