Funeral/viewing question

[Pigeon]

I this is one of those situations where people should just suck it up and include anybody who wants to be included. Either that, or skip a "receiving line."

 

[powellrj]

I don't think it matters because its a long day and it nice to have people that can take turns.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I this is one of those situations where people should just suck it up and include anybody who wants to be included. Either that, or skip a "receiving line."

We had no idea they wanted to be included until after it was over and they made a big stink about it. We also did not have a formal receiving line. The only constant was my step mother. We did not all stand there with her. We took turns. Sometimes she stood alone, sometimes 1 or 2 of us were there. never at any point was it all 4 of us and her.

 

[Disney Doll]

Frankly, I have a sibling and my expectation at his wake (should he die before me) would be that his wife & son would be in the receiving line (and perhaps the son's wife should he have one at the time).

I would think I'd be sort of near the front of the room to greet people that I might know or that might be coming because of me (ie-didn't know my brother but know me so came as a show of support for me) but I would have no "need" to be in the receiving line per se....

I always et a kick out of family members who don't keep in contact but then expect to be treated like royalty at family occasions. Truthfully if those relatives who haven't spoken to your father in 3 years are making a stink about this, it's probably their guilt talking. Hypocrites.

They haven't been in close contact for a while, so I'd probably let that contact fade away again...

 

[goofyintoronto]

I always et a kick out of family members who don't keep in contact but then expect to be treated like royalty at family occasions. Truthfully if those relatives who haven't spoken to your father in 3 years are making a stink about this, it's probably their guilt talking. Hypocrites.

They haven't been in close contact for a while, so I'd probably let that contact fade away again...

I agree with this!!!!!!

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you have to deal with the added stress from your relatives. I don't think you did anything wrong, they are just being selfish.

I agree. Theyre being VERY selfish! Your father/their sibling just died for petesake! Sorry for your loss btw.

We had no idea they wanted to be included until after it was over and they made a big stink about it. We also did not have a formal receiving line. The only constant was my step mother. We did not all stand there with her. We took turns. Sometimes she stood alone, sometimes 1 or 2 of us were there. never at any point was it all 4 of us and her.

if there was no recieving line, why on earth were they complaining then!? Did they want special pins that say "sibling of the deceased" or something? Looks like they just wanted attention, which is sad. Wrong place/time for it!

 

[disneychic2]

Op, I'm so sorry for your sudden loss. I think you did the right thing. It's too bad the sibs did not keep up with their brother and to be miffed about ANY decisions made during this trying time is unbelievable. Don't let their poor behavior get you down. Obviously it still bothers you, but please just let it go. I hope the warm memories of you father are helping you through this.

 

[luvsJack]

I didn't know this kind of stuff was "planned" anyway.

At my dad's funeral/viewing, my mom stayed by the casket and was greeted by everyone attending. The rest of us wandered in and out so that at least one was always there with her. Her sisters stayed by her side the whole time, but they were there for my mom not for any kind of "recognition" as family.

At my brother's, his wife stayed by the casket. My sister and I stayed with my mother and actually we kept getting her to move from the casket as she was extremely upset and didn't need to stay there the whole time.

I have never seen a "receiving line" anywhere execpt whatever family is standing by the casket and even then its not the same family members the whole time unless someone wants it that way.

 

[Rylee]

I'm surprised the funeral director didn't assist with forming the line or ask you, (wife & children) or his siblings about who should or would like to be in the line.

In our family, siblings of the deceased stand in the receiving line. Closest to the casket is the spouse, followed by oldest child, (or oldest child nearest the casket, if no spouse) and other children according to birth order, which includes their spouse, if married. Then the siblings of the deceased. Grandchildren are welcome, too.

If the family is quite large, I have also seen spouse and children on one side of the casket and siblings on the other.


I am sorry for the loss of your father. I don't think you did anything wrong. Considering how many decisions need to be made when a loved one passes, it's a wonder that everything gets done at all during such a difficult time.

If his siblings are elderly, they might have expected it to be handled in a "formal" or certain way. If they are important to you, perhaps you could clear the air by explaining the oversight was not intentional.

 

[Fire14]

I know with my mother, Us kids and even my dad just mingled in room, no one really posted themselves at casket.

I about had it out with my sorta Sister in law ( on and off relationship with my brother) at planning for funeral but I kept my trap shut and Dh kept me away from her. And I wanted to take matters into own hands at funeral when she didn't have enough sense to take noisy child out of room.

 

[goofyintoronto]

In my circle (family, friends, my ethnic community) we do a very formal "receiving line" at funerals. once you say a prayer at the casket, you give your condolences to the family sitting in the first row. Then you take a seat and remain quiet to mourn. The room has rows and rows of chairs. There is no "walking around" to greet ppl.

Only twice have i been to a funeral where there is no receiving line (I like this better), where everyone is free to walk around and talk with whom ever they please.

 

[Robbi]

I'm sorry for your loss.
At every funeral I've attended, the spouse, children/stepchildren and parents would be in the receiving line. What is wrong with people choosing such an emotionally difficult time for stirring drama?

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Op, I'm so sorry for your sudden loss. I think you did the right thing. It's too bad the sibs did not keep up with their brother and to be miffed about ANY decisions made during this trying time is unbelievable. Don't let their poor behavior get you down. Obviously it still bothers you, but please just let it go. I hope the warm memories of you father are helping you through this.

It only "still" bothers me because they are still making an issue out of it. I was just wondering if maybe we really did do something horrible - hence the on going drama months later. It all just does not make sense to us that they would keep doing this. It's one thing to intentionally or unintentionally slight somebody at a wedding - an event that is usually planned months in advance and one that has many traditions that are well known verses something like this where it's done quick, under extreme emotional stress and where there is little in the way of formality.

They are acting as if we did have a formal receiving line, they asked to be a part of it and we told them they could not because they are not important enough. None of that happened.

They did not even stay for the prayer service, the eulogy or the meal afterwards because they were so offended. We didn't even know they were upset until we went to sit for the prayers and could not find them @@ All they had to do was take a turn standing with my step-mother if they wanted to feel important.

I just don't get it.

 

[Handbag Lady]

We also trade off, to avoid this exact thing AND to give the immediate family (spouse, kids, siblings, friends, etc.) a break.

We also do what others have explained and have people jump out to do introductions.

I was even in the line at my friend's gran's service. It was one of those cross-country services where gran died in one state (mine) and family was in another. She had two services so I manned the one near me as it was just me and my friend's mom there as hostesses.


It just kills me, though, that this is still going on for you, OP. Can we find a way to shut it off now, even apologizing for things not done, just to put an end to it? Things like this can cause an awful break.

 

[FlyingBelle]

Only twice have i been to a funeral where there is no receiving line (I like this better), where everyone is free to walk around and talk with whom ever they please.

I've been to more funerals than I care to count (have been to 6 of them in 2012) - and I have never seen a formal receiving line - I thought that was only for weddings!

Is this at the wake/visitation, or the actual funeral? We typically have a wake for an evening, and a funeral service the next morning. The wake is pretty informal (though people are usually dressed nice) and it can get pretty loud with all the conversations. In many cases this is the only time we get to see cousins or long-lost friends. The funeral is pretty solemn - with a 20 minute service and then afterwards everyone files past the casket (the immediate family members stay seated). After everyone is out, the close family members have a few minutes to gather together at the casket (there is no specifics on who can or can't be there - and it's never been an issue that I've seen). Afterwards we either go to the gravesite and then all are invited to a luncheon, or we go immediately to the luncheon.

We just went through this last month for my 93 year old grandma. Several from her generation have passed away this year.

 

[bankgirl05]

Sorry that you have to deal with all of that!

When my exDh's mom died (while we were still married) he was an only child, raised by a single mom, his Aunts, uncles (MIL was youngest of 13 kids 8 surviving at the time of the funeral) and all of thier spouses all had differing opinions on who should be "standing vigil" as one put it, by the casket. Several felt I should not be there with him, he should stand there alone, some gave him a hard time if he broke down and needed to "take a break" and some were angry because they wanted to stand there, but the funeral home and/or church did not provide enough (any) chairs next to the coffin. These were all men and women in thier 60's 70's and 80's... they made me and my poor ex dh (yes, I said that;)) CRAZY!!!!

I really feel for you, having to deal with this months later!!!