Funeral Luncheon - vent and how did yours go?

[Amelia Peabody]

Recently my mother passed away and I have some questions about what other people have run into.

This is regarding the luncheon following the burial. We had it at the skilled care facility where she had lived and where we used the chapel for the service. We have nothing but great things to say about her 2.5 years there, the staff and care was outstanding ( they took care of us too and were shattered when Mom passed ). However, the catering unit is an issue...

Mom passed on a Thursday morning. On Saturday we made the plans for the service, to be held the next Friday. We called for prices on types of food etc and were quoted for 100 people. We asked via phone message how much for 70 people and if things were a certain price we didn't want those things ($50 cookies). They never returned our multiple calls - has to be the catering dept. you talk to.

So we arrived for the funeral not knowing if there would be ANY food afterwards. The tables were set up so that worry went away. When we arrived for the luncheon, it was obvious there was not nearly enough food out for 70 people. We were told they would "replenish from the back". And calls had not been returned because the catering lady, B, was "so busy, she never checked her calls in her office". In the end, they never replenished, family said they would have eaten more if it had been out. AND they said they had prepared for 100 people! It was all in the back. We were not supposed to take any leftovers, but she "allowed" us to take what little bit had been placed on the buffet table.

So - we get the bill, it's for 100 people. Thinking a simple phone call would clear this up we called accounting who advised we call caterings boss. His answer? Let me check with B and administration. He called back within minutes. Never offered condolences on our loss ( always the first remark received from other staff there, so a bit of a surprise ). Said he talked to B - she had been on vacation which is why no return calls. ALSO - there was a week limit to changing an order. We did NOT have a verbal contract at that time and it was only a week since Mom died! They do not allow leftovers to be taken because "Someone might get sick" and "YOU took some!" Food was to be thrown out. Very callous tone, said bill would NOT be adjusted. Reminded us that it was a non-profit facility and they need to make money to care for the residents.

Oh really? You mean like MY MOM?? Who we just lost? The price difference is not in the funeral reserve Mom had, so now Dad would have to pay it. And he still lives in the independant living apartments there so we can't totally rip them a new one. Thinking about paying for the 70 people and sending a detailed letter to the CEO. The CEO by the way, came to us while we sat with Mom that last morning and asked what could she get us? She brought a hot breakfast! There were sandwiches the day before and water and coffee. Then Danish, coffee and juice that morning. So I know caring for the bereaved is part of their mission.

Still with me? What has been your experience?

 

[Handbag Lady]

Recently my mother passed away and I have some questions about what other people have run into.

This is regarding the luncheon following the burial. We had it at the skilled care facility where she had lived and where we used the chapel for the service. We have nothing but great things to say about her 2.5 years there, the staff and care was outstanding ( they took care of us too and were shattered when Mom passed ). However, the catering unit is an issue...

Mom passed on a Thursday morning. On Saturday we made the plans for the service, to be held the next Friday. We called for prices on types of food etc and were quoted for 100 people. We asked via phone message how much for 70 people and if things were a certain price we didn't want those things ($50 cookies). They never returned our multiple calls - has to be the catering dept. you talk to.

So we arrived for the funeral not knowing if there would be ANY food afterwards. The tables were set up so that worry went away. When we arrived for the luncheon, it was obvious there was not nearly enough food out for 70 people. We were told they would "replenish from the back". And calls had not been returned because the catering lady, B, was "so busy, she never checked her calls in her office". In the end, they never replenished, family said they would have eaten more if it had been out. AND they said they had prepared for 100 people! It was all in the back. We were not supposed to take any leftovers, but she "allowed" us to take what little bit had been placed on the buffet table.

So - we get the bill, it's for 100 people. Thinking a simple phone call would clear this up we called accounting who advised we call caterings boss. His answer? Let me check with B and administration. He called back within minutes. Never offered condolences on our loss ( always the first remark received from other staff there, so a bit of a surprise ). Said he talked to B - she had been on vacation which is why no return calls. ALSO - there was a week limit to changing an order. We did NOT have a verbal contract at that time and it was only a week since Mom died! They do not allow leftovers to be taken because "Someone might get sick" and "YOU took some!" Food was to be thrown out. Very callous tone, said bill would NOT be adjusted. Reminded us that it was a non-profit facility and they need to make money to care for the residents.

Oh really? You mean like MY MOM?? Who we just lost? The price difference is not in the funeral reserve Mom had, so now Dad would have to pay it. And he still lives in the independant living apartments there so we can't totally rip them a new one. Thinking about paying for the 70 people and sending a detailed letter to the CEO. The CEO by the way, came to us while we sat with Mom that last morning and asked what could she get us? She brought a hot breakfast! There were sandwiches the day before and water and coffee. Then Danish, coffee and juice that morning. So I know caring for the bereaved is part of their mission.

Still with me? What has been your experience?

I am so sorry for your loss.

I would kindly only pay for 70 people and then let it go. If they go after you for the difference, go to the CEO and explain that you love the facility, but catering is an issue.

 

[C.Ann]

First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.. My condolences to you and your family..

Secondly, I think I would call the CEO before you make any payment.. Unless I read your post wrong, it sounds like someone really dropped the ball and it wasn't on your end..

Good luck!

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm sorry for your loss.

We had our luncheon for my mother at the church, and long story short, it was my own family (on the church's behalf) trying to screw us out of money. Every time we turned around, somebody had their hand out for money after my mom died.

I agree with the previous poster. I would pay for 70 people, but document your experience -- how many phone messages you left, how there wasn't enough food for 70, how nobody was returning calls, etc.

 

[minkydog]

I agree with C.Ann. Call the CEO before you pay, see what he/she can do for you. Hopefully, they can lean on the catering boss for you.

 

[Ceila]

I'm so sorry for your loss. As others have said, you should talk to the CEO before making any kind of payment. Explain, in detail, what happened - dates, who you talked to, even what you remember as having been served if you can recall.

 

[Hannathy]

Honestly if they had taken good care of my Mom and my Dad was still living with them I would chalk it p to a donation and just pay the bill. Really how much could it be? Do you really want to fight with these people who did care for your mom and are STILL taking care of your Dad. It is not the reputation I would want to get somewhere that had 24 hour care of my Father. But if the difference in price is worth it to you even tho your Dad is still there the go ahead and fight it.

considering it is non profit I would just pay. If it were a business I may think differently.


I'm curious to now you are willing to call all over about the bill but when your calls weren't being returned did you go up the ladder then?

 

[Robinrs]

I am so sorry you're going thru all this, on TOP of losing Mom...

You were offered great advice, take heed. Obviously all people in the business of death and dying don't have empathy they should have, seen it up close and personal.

God bless..

 

[MichelleinMaine]

I'm sorry for your loss. We too learned the hard way that those supposed to be helping in times of grief are often just the source of more stress. MIL passed away this past February. Service not til April (long story), so there was plenty of time to plan. Firstly I was in awe that we had to pay the church for food. (Where we go, fellow church members just bring things in. ) We were not allowed to bring anything in ourselves (not even an outside caterer or deli tray from Sam's club or something.) We finally settled on the cheapest possible option- coffee and cookies, which was still nearly $500 for 100 people. They did not refill the trays either and extras could not go home with anyone. (???) It was just more grief we didn't need.

I'm sorry you dind't have any better luck. I would approach the CEO in a thoughtful but firm explanation of what happened before paying any money. It was a service not provided.

 

[LuvOrlando]

That's just not right. I am sorry for your loss and sad that this happened to you.

 

[bumbershoot]

I would contact the CEO first. Only paying partially will hurt you guys, not anyone else.

Good gravy, where is my brain? I'm so very sorry for your loss.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm sorry for your loss. We too learned the hard way that those supposed to be helping in times of grief are often just the source of more stress. MIL passed away this past February. Service not til April (long story), so there was plenty of time to plan. Firstly I was in awe that we had to pay the church for food. (Where we go, fellow church members just bring things in. ) We were not allowed to bring anything in ourselves (not even an outside caterer or deli tray from Sam's club or something.) We finally settled on the cheapest possible option- coffee and cookies, which was still nearly $500 for 100 people. They did not refill the trays either and extras could not go home with anyone. (???) It was just more grief we didn't need.

I'm sorry you dind't have any better luck. I would approach the CEO in a thoughtful but firm explanation of what happened before paying any money. It was a service not provided.

Sounds like what happened with us. My aunt & uncle (sister to my father) was in charge of the church function part. Assured us that since my parents were members of the church, everything would be handled and taken care of. People were volunteering to bring food and had dropped off tons at mine and my sister's houses. Nope, aunt said, not necessary, everything being handled.

Ended up, church food was not good and not nearly enough for the gathering, then aunt started listing all the charges and asking for money for this, that, and the other. Preacher had no idea any of this was going on and was appalled.

When it comes to deaths, you'll see the best of some people and the worst in others.

 

[famofsix]

sorry for your loss

maybe ask for a detailed catering list that was used to "feed" 100 people and let the CEO know that it barely covered 70 people

 

[MIGrandma]

Very sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom.

I would not pay anything until I spoke to the CEO. I would explain that you made several calls to find out the cost for 70 people, not 100, but calls were never returned. Food was not replenished and there was not even enough food out for the 70 people. They need to make this right with you.

 

[POPCITY]

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

The dinner thing sorta reminds me of when DMIL passed away last year. DH's whole family is Catholic, MIL had gone to mass twice a week forever. She became bedridden a couple of years before she passed away, and during that time the parish got a new priest. Now, she lived about a 1/4 mile from the church, but the new priest never came to see her one time. SIL was still active in the church, and had spoken to him about MIL and asked that he come visit her, but he was always too busy.

When she passed away, one of our neighbors, who is on the committee that handles such things, called DH and told him not to worry about the dinner afterwards, they would handle everything. The morning before the funeral, he called back and said the priest had told the committee that since MIL hadn't been an active member, the church wouldn't do the dinner. DH and SIL went to talk to the priest, and he said that MIL hadn't come to church in years, and now the family shows up with their hands out. DH was livid! His mother had always attended mass faithfully when she was able, and even after she was bedridden, she sent a check every week for the collection plate. She died in a hospital without ever seeing a priest or receiving last rites.

My wonderful coworkers pitched in and put on the dinner, and we rented the hall at the church from the priest, so it turned out okay, but that was the final straw in turning DH away from the church. SIL started going to a church in a neighboring town. It was all just awful, and the last thing they should have had to worry about when their mother had just passed.

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[Piglets Mommy]

First, I am sorry for your loss.
I agree with talking to the CEO before you pay anything. It sounds like she is actually a caring person, since she came in in your Mom's last days to see if you needed anything. I think she is probably unaware of what is going on with catering, and would want to know.
As to the verbal contract part....If you originally agreed to food for 100, and they gave you food for 100, I can see them billing you for food for 100. But it sounds like they didn't even give you enough food for 70 people, so how can they bill you for 100?

 

[Amelia Peabody]

Honestly if they had taken good care of my Mom and my Dad was still living with them I would chalk it p to a donation and just pay the bill. Really how much could it be? Do you really want to fight with these people who did care for your mom and are STILL taking care of your Dad. It is not the reputation I would want to get somewhere that had 24 hour care of my Father. But if the difference in price is worth it to you even tho your Dad is still there the go ahead and fight it.

considering it is non profit I would just pay. If it were a business I may think differently.


I'm curious to now you are willing to call all over about the bill but when your calls weren't being returned did you go up the ladder then?

The thing here, it is not our money, it's Dad's. They are not taking care of Dad at all, he lives independently at this time, just at the same community. The bill is several hundred dollars more than expected, close to $500.

I was not the one making the calls, but I do know my DSis was told she could only talk to this one person. Not sure how many calls she made trying to find someone else, but it was many. On the original call, she was quoted prices and numbers. She told the woman that was going to be too much and she would check with Dad and get back. They never spoke again until at the funeral. We had baked ziti, meatball sandwiches, potato salad, green salad and the cookies. Plus beverages. No idea how much they were, just received a single item bill for $1300.

The shame of it is, this place is phenomenal in care and caring. It is only 2 people out of the whole facility causing us headaches. The one and only catering lady, who was there but "away from her office" and her boss.

DSis has contacted me since I posted and she is near a nervous breakdown. There has been so very much administrative duties the past three years for Mom. I told her I will now take over this problem so my sister can begin to mourn.

Thank you all for the kind thoughts. Even though Mom was elderly, it was a shock. We loved her dearly and the pain of loss is great. The staff loved her as well - DSis spent much time holding sobbing aides and nurses throughout the final hours and at the funeral. They were like our family - that's why 2 rotten apples really make it hard to deal.

Thanks for the advice re: the CEO. Will fly it by the others and see what they want to do. Wish we had the kind of money where we could just cough it up and say oh well.

 

[lsyorke]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my DH in August and we set up the repast at a local restaurant. They asked if we had any idea how many people were coming, which I couldn't even begin to estimate. We ended up counting immediate family and close friends as a starting point..estimated 50-70 people.

They had plenty of food and did a head count which was what we were charged for. Any establishment that does repast catering knows that the number has to be flexible and head count is the determining cost....IF they have enough food to feed everyone.

Call the CEO.

 

[agnes!]

I am so sorry for you loss, your mother sounds like she was a wonderful person.

I think the catering 'department' is running a scam and taking advantage of grieving family-members. I'm sorry but $1300 for 70 people, for a funeral reception? What the heck did this woman fix? Gold-plated caviar with platinum sprinkles? That's $18.57 per person and they didn't even fix enough for the 70 people and they didn't have booze... let's see the menu was
baked ziti
meatball sandwiches
potato salad
green salad
cookies
beverages

Heck, for the brunch the morning after my nephew's wedding we fed 65 people for about $350. Now granted it was breakfast but that included soda, champagne, milk, juice, smoked salmon, mini-quiches, juice, bagels, cream cheese, jelly, jam, butter, assorted lox/salmon trays, watermelon, cantaloupe, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, grapes...all from Costco.

agnes!