Funeral Etiquette advice

[LisaInNc]

One of my close friends just lost her grandmother on Saturday. We have been best friends but have lost contact over the last few years. We recently reconnected.

I am not sure if I should go to the funeral. She was so close with her grandmother I am thinking that she will either be beyond upset or medicated (that is if she was me). It's also a Jewish funeral and I have no idea who is expected to go and what to do when I am there.

Can anyone help me figure this out. I want to support her without making things more difficult.

Lisa

 

[happygirl]

One of my close friends just lost her grandmother on Saturday. We have been best friends but have lost contact over the last few years. We recently reconnected.

I am not sure if I should go to the funeral. She was so close with her grandmother I am thinking that she will either be beyond upset or medicated (that is if she was me). It's also a Jewish funeral and I have no idea who is expected to go and what to do when I am there.

Can anyone help me figure this out. I want to support her without making things more difficult.

Lisa

Do they have a vistation? I would probably go to that. I can't do funerals

 

[NikitaZee]

Go - absolutely go. There's a feeling you get when an old, dear friend shows up at a family member's funeral that is so comforting, I can't describe it. The etiquette doesn't matter - your presence and quiet support is priceless.

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

I can't advise regarding the jewish funeral part but I would try to go to a visitation. Maybe just call her. If there is no visitation, maybe scheduling a time to take her to lunch. My DGF passed away Christmas morning of 2008. Sadly, none of my friends came to the funeral home. My cousin, who was my college roommate came, but then again she is family. I understood why my DBF couldn't come b/c of her work hours. But I do wish some co-workers who I thought were friends would have made an effort. Just reach out to her and let her know you are here for her! Ask her what you can do? Our church often takes food for the family.. maybe that is something you can do.

 

[cydswipe]

I've learned in times like death, illness, bad accident, etc... I need to be there. Only if it's for a short time. You being there will mean the world to her.

I learned from a friend's fathers death years ago. The wake was hours away. A van full of her friends (including me) drove the 2.5 hours. We didn't stay long, at all. I know she was SO surprised, but grateful.

Go, you will be happy you did.

 

[Hedy]

Go - absolutely go. There's a feeling you get when an old, dear friend shows up at a family member's funeral that is so comforting, I can't describe it. The etiquette doesn't matter - your presence and quiet support is priceless.

 

[laurie31]

I'm sure it would mean a lot to her if you would go.

I know Jews have a mourning period called Shivah. You could perhaps visit her instead of attending the funeral if she is observing this custom.

http://www.beingjewish.com/cycle/nichum.html

This site has some good advice for visiting the bereaved, some of which would be appropriate for anyone, regardless of their beliefs. The first 3 paragraphs I quoted are very sage advice for us all.

Many people worry, before going to comfort a mourner, "What should I say?" The answer is: very little. A person in pain needs to talk, and he needs someone to listen to him talk. He doesn't need you to say very much. Your job, in comforting the mourner, is to listen to the mourner, responding when necessary and appropriate. Always let the mourner take the lead in the conversation.

Our basic requirement is to make the mourner feel better. The idea is not that we should try to take his mind away from his pain. A mourner has to come to grips with his loss, to learn to accept it, and not ignore it. He has to pour out his feelings and express his sorrow. You can show your empathy and caring by listening to him. Even just entering and not speaking gives comfort, and honors the mourners.

Most of all, the mourner needs to know that he is not facing the world alone, that he has friends.



When is the best time to visit a mourner? One may visit and comfort a mourner at any time during the shivah. However, the first three days of the shivah, when the pain is greatest, it is best if only close friends and family visit. During the first three days, a mourner cannot truly be comforted, because the pain is still too fresh. However, if it is difficult for you to visit later, you are technically permitted to visit even during the first three days.



Following are Laws that we must follow when at the house of a mourner:

It is forbidden for a mourner to be joyful during the shivah.(9) This is no time for telling jokes or for being light-hearted.

A mourner is forbidden to say hello or goodbye; likewise we do not say hello or goodbye to a mourner. We do not say "shalom," or any other greeting.(10)

The visiting comforters may not begin speaking until the mourner has spoken to them first.(11)

Once the mourner has nodded his head in farewell (since he is forbidden to say "goodbye"), the comforter may no longer sit there, but must leave.(12) The reason for this is because overstaying your visit could cause the mourner discomfort.(13) Since these days nodding the head is not a standard method of communication, make sure you keep very attuned to the mourner's feelings so you will know when to leave.(14)

Before leaving a mourner you say, in any language you prefer, "Hamakom yinachem eschem b'soch sha'ar availay Tzion v'Yerushalayim." Which means: "May Hashem, Who is everywhere, comfort you amongst the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."(15) The mourners should answer "Amen."(16)

 

[Cheshire Figment]

One very important item. For a Jewish funeral (or the Shivah afterwards). No Flowers!

 

[ols386]

Go - absolutely go. There's a feeling you get when an old, dear friend shows up at a family member's funeral that is so comforting, I can't describe it. The etiquette doesn't matter - your presence and quiet support is priceless.

I so totally agree with this.

 

[StefnMike]

I would go. When my grandmother died a year ago, I had friends that I lost touch with come to the wake (I am Catholic).

The support I felt made my heart lighter. I was extremely happy and touched that they came.

The only things I know about Shivahs are:
no flowers
no "hello" or "goodbye"
Don't speak until spoken to
it's best to bring food (sandwiches, snacks, things that can be eaten very simply)
help clean up - the mourners are not allowed to do any work to straighten up.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Go - absolutely go. There's a feeling you get when an old, dear friend shows up at a family member's funeral that is so comforting, I can't describe it. The etiquette doesn't matter - your presence and quiet support is priceless.

Well said.

When my dad died, a former co-worker of his came to the funeral. It was a very small funeral, and I could tell she felt uncomfortable when she walked in and realized how small it was. But it was only small because dad's whole side of the family is in Italy, and most of his friends were already gone or too sick to come. But my brother and I appreciated her being there so much! (See, I remember how much it meant to me and this was almost 10 years ago.)

Go, your friend will be touched.

 

[KandD]

You should go even if it is to give her a hug and say some kind words.

 

[bicker]

The most important person (to me) who was at my mother's funeral was an old childhood friend, someone who I hadn't seen or spoken too in about thirty years. The fact that someone like that would take time out of her life to pay her respects, out of respect and love for my mother, and simply to be of whatever moral support to me that I could derive, was golden.

 

[puffkin]

If you can make the funeral, I would go. She will appreciate it the support....even if you are just able to give her a hug and a few kind words.

 

[Deb in IA]

Many people have regretted NOT going to a funeral/wake/visitation, but rarely has anyone regretted going TO a funeral.

I agree with everyone. Go to the funeral, to show your support and care for your friend.

 

[walden]

One of my close friends just lost her grandmother on Saturday. We have been best friends but have lost contact over the last few years. We recently reconnected.

I am not sure if I should go to the funeral. She was so close with her grandmother I am thinking that she will either be beyond upset or medicated (that is if she was me). It's also a Jewish funeral and I have no idea who is expected to go and what to do when I am there.

Can anyone help me figure this out. I want to support her without making things more difficult.

Lisa

I'm not Jewish, but do have Jewish friends. The chances are that the funeral has already happened. I would drop by the house with some fruit (not flowers), even if they are not officially sitting Shiva. (Not sure how observant your friend is.)

In this case and many others, I don't think you can go wrong with a short caring sympathy visit and a food offering. If they don't seem to want to invite you in just leave the food and an expresion of love and support.

I'm sure your thoughtfulness will be truly appreciated.

 

[Best Aunt]

Some people are more religious than others. The rules posted by PPs may be correct, but aren't always observed. No hello? No goodbye? Mourners can't clean up? Certainly not observed when I've gone.

And if a family is going to observe those rules, then they might be Kosher and not want people bringing food that isn't Kosher.

The easiest thing to do is go to the calling hours - you move through the line, shake hands, say a few words, and you're done. But as PP said, the funeral may have already happened - Jewish people have the funerals as soon as possible after the death.

If you do go to calling hours -- PRINT your name in the sign-in book. You're not signing a legal document, you're letting the family know that you were there. Not much point if they can't read your signature.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would go.