Frustrated with DD's Teacher... HAD MTG TODAY UPDATE...

[minmate]

I never intended to "Critique" or "TELL the teacher" how to teach, but it seems many of you here, think I did, and so I imagine she could've been feeling the same way by the things I've said.

My concern has always been for my dd's emotional, academic and physical welfare. All of these were being threatened. I doubt, if you've gone through what I have this past month that ANY of you would have stood idly by. I hope you don't have to sit by and watch your child say and do and feel the things I have had to this past month. More power to you if you could have handled it better, but I DID have to address these issues and the school day is/was a part of the reason she was displaying some of these alarming behaviors.

 

[RadioNate]

Black cloud?? You've got an entire hurricane that's generating tornados over your head.

Imagine doing a job for 20 years then have some unqualified nobody come in and tell you all the things she thought you were doing wrong and how to fix them? That would go over real well, wouldn't it.

Welcome to public school. It's KINDERGARTEN. Yes your DD is ahead of the curve but since NCLB introduced teaching to the lowest common dominator the class has to be taught to the kids who have never set foot in a classroom.

I'm shocked and appalled by your behavior. You jumped WAY over the line of 'concern' for your daughter.

Moving several thousand miles away and starting 'real' school are big changes for anyone, it's ok that your DD is stressed. She SHOULD be stressed and overwhelmed. Change is overwhelming. Your job isn't to completely eliminate stress from her life. Your job is to help her deal with and process that stress in the best way possible. How will she ever become a functional, stable adult if you swoop in and remove every ounce of stress from her life? Kids need to learn to deal with life's curveballs.

Believe me, you have a reputation and it isn't a good one.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Believe me, the administrators "watch" the teachers in school. If they were truely so horrible, they wouldn't be there.

 

[poohandwendy]

I really had no intention of telling the teacher HOW to teach, but I didn't expect to be thrown questions of detail asking me how exactly I'd like to see the classroom day unfold? Was I to ignore the question or give a wishy-washy reply?

I never intended to "Critique" or "TELL the teacher" how to teach, but it seems many of you here, think I did, and so I imagine she could've been feeling the same way by the things I've said.

Oh come on, you were telling her how to teach before this meeeting even took place...you said so in the OP (before the meeting):

She's been a teacher for 22 years and I doubt she'll change. I know she's as frustrated with me as I am with her. I don't want her to feel that way, but she accuses me of comparing her to teachers in Massachusetts when I give her ideas of what I'd like to see in the classroom

Again, why do you think it is your place to tell the teacher how to teach? Sheesh, schools are not drive-thru fast food restaurants where you place your order when it comes to the curriculum, the classroom setting and how the teacher teaches the class.

My concern has always been for my dd's emotional, academic and physical welfare. All of these were being threatened.

For goodness sakes, she has been in the school for 13 days and her emotional, educational and physical well being are being threatened? Because she is having a hard time adjusting to a MAJOR move? You said she has sensory issues...holy cow this childs entire life has completely changed...new bedroom, house, school, teacher, peers and you think this teacher is the root of the problem?

but I DID have to address these issues and the school day is/was a part of the reason she was displaying some of these alarming behaviors.

What alarming behaviors? I haven't seen any mentioned.

You have given no examples of any reaction from your DD that would not be perfectly normal for ANY child who has had such big changes recently in their life.

I think changing her to another school/class or homeschooling her will not be options because she won't tolerate the transition, that is just too hard for her.

Um, ok...so maybe this transistion (moving across the country) is the real root of the problem? But since you cannot change that part of the equation, you are blaming the people at the school.

I think you need to consider that you have blown this out of proportion. And that you have not given any of it a chance. 13 days is nothing when it comes to adjusting to a new school.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

(putting on flame protectant suit)

Have you considered apologizing to the teacher? and then saying, "I only want what's best for the kids and what is the one thing I can do to help you out the most as a teacher?"

That is my opinion. Ok, go ahead, flame away at me..................

 

[Jenn Lynn]

We just moved to Minnesota a few days before the school year.

After reading all of this I think your first sentence should be taken more into consideration. Moving to a new place and then starting school a few days later is huge in a child's life.

I started asking my dd how she felt about THIS classroom. She told me profusely that she likes her teacher. And she's made some friends there,

If these things are true I would think it's NOT the classroom environment itself.

My concern has always been for my dd's emotional, academic and physical welfare. All of these were being threatened. I doubt, if you've gone through what I have this past month that ANY of you would have stood idly by. I hope you don't have to sit by and watch your child say and do and feel the things I have had to this past month. More power to you if you could have handled it better, but I DID have to address these issues and the school day is/was a part of the reason she was displaying some of these alarming behaviors.

Perhaps it is because it is brand new to her. The child hasn't even had time to adjust to all of the changes in her life.

We moved to a new house in March 1 mile away from our old one. My pre-schooler cried for a month because she wanted to go to the old house. Everything else was the same. Same friends, same school, same grocery store, yet it affected her a lot. Your DD is probably going through something similar.

 

[meandtheguys2]

(putting on flame protectant suit)

Have you considered apologizing to the teacher? and then saying, "I only want what's best for the kids and what is the one thing I can do to help you out the most as a teacher?"

That is my opinion. Ok, go ahead, flame away at me..................

IMHO, that is incredibly wise advice.

 

[mickeyboat]

(putting on flame protectant suit)

Have you considered apologizing to the teacher? and then saying, "I only want what's best for the kids and what is the one thing I can do to help you out the most as a teacher?"

That is my opinion. Ok, go ahead, flame away at me..................

No flames from me on this one. If the OP really insists on being a major player in the classroom, she has no other option than to apologize - and to develop a proper trust and respect for the teacher. We all care about our children's well-being. But the OP went about conveying her concerns to the administration in an inappropriate, confrontational and condescending manner.

Understand that by giving the teachers suggestions about how to run things or about things that should be changed, you are telling her very clearly that the way she is doing things now is wrong. By saying that her classroom seems much more organized now, you are telling her it was chaos before. You need to focus your comments specifically on your daughter. For example: DD doesn't seem to enjoy free play, or doesn't do well without very clear instructions. Could you guide her toward more structured free play activities, or go over instructions more than once with her? The rest of the class is none of your business.

The teacher needs to know you are a willing member of her your daughter's educational team - working with her, not against her. This teacher has been teaching long enough to know that some children have special needs and concerns, and she is trained to deal with them. Ask the teacher what ideas she might have to help your daughter with all of the newness in her life and with her sensory issues. I bet she has some ideas and maybe even some resources to turn to in order to deal with them.

I fear, though, you have destroyed your relationship with this teacher beyond repair.

Denae

 

[disykat]

Many of us here had suggested you focus on your daughter's happiness and not on the teacher's teaching in that meeting. You blew it. Now it's time to apologize to the teacher for overstepping your bounds, tell her your main concern is with your daughter, and back away from the classroom. You don't have to pretend she's the best teacher in the world or that you're thrilled now, just that you've realized that your presence is counterproductive in light of what has happened.

Not volunteering in her room doesn't make you an uncaring parent. I've already told you about my experience with a not so great K teacher - I didn't volunteer that year because it would have driven me nuts! Continue to volunteer for PTA, your other daughter's class, maybe sign up to help in the library... If you, as the parent, decide to keep your child in that class, you need to step away for the good of everyone.

This happened. Stuff does. Now it's time to put on the bandaids and stop inflicting the wounds.

 

[momof2inPA]

I can relate to the OP on some issues. My son started kindergarten this year and can already read, write, sound out words, add and subtract. It was frustrating to see the worksheets that were coming home, which I felt were pre-school level. Anyway, I complained about this to a few friends, my husband, my sisters on the phone, and then I realized that I was transferring these negative feeling to my son and it was ruining his kindergarten experience. I'm sure his teacher had some idea of my feelings, too. I realize now, that his teacher can't teach every child at his or her own level and that reinforcing the things he already knows doesn't hurt. We read, write, add, and subtract at home and my son colors, matches, learns sight words, etc. at school.

I screwed up, and minmate, you're screwing up, too. I'm trying to repair the damage I caused by complimenting his teacher every chance I get, talking positively about the things my son is enjoying in class, and he is just so much happier since I've stepped back and stopped trying to control his entire kindergarten experience. You need to do the same. There is no way for you to control this situation to your satisfaction, so let it go for awhile, and see if things improve.

 

[shortbun]

Have I already posted on this thread? If so, please excuse. I can't help but noticing that the things the OP doesn't like in her daughter's classroom are things I look for. I love that the teacher allows time for relaxed learning and the "which one doesn't belong" is NOT a sorting practice, it's an excersize in observation and often done in gifted classrooms at that age. I think the OP has some really rigid ideas about how a classroom should run. I think maybe she assumes that all students are at her daughter's level of ability and experience. Sigh, it is 'one of those things' and especially evident in K-1 that students are at all ends of the spectrum in public school.
The children who are ahead just don't get as much attention(especially in the beginning because they don't need it) and later on kids begin to catch up. G&T programs typically do not kick in until 2nd grade when it becomes clear about who was ahead and who is truly needing enrichment. In my son's school, the whole school gets enrichment and some kids are pulled out for additional enrichment from 2nd grade. Our school is very casual-similar to the classroom style of the teacher described- AND we have the highest test scores in the city and the largest population of G&T because children who are self starters thrive in a more relaxed environment. I encourage the OP to consider that concept and know that her daughter may actually benefit from this teacher's obvious ability to do what is necessary and when it's necessary. The OP should continue to "volunteer" but with an open mind and maybe in the library.
Good luck and I agree that you should back off the teacher and see what happens later in the year.

 

[froglady]

shortbun, you made a wonderful suggestion. I spent hours volunteering at my children's school, but rarely in their classrooms. (except for parties) The library and bookfair were my favorites, and it really did free the librarians for "teaching." I became more familiar with available resources, and also age appropriate materials. Although there was a "Beginning Reader" section, students were allowed to check out books from any area, which was important for DS, as he was only interested in science for a while.

I also volunteered in classrooms AHEAD of my child's level, which gave me a good idea of what to expect later on.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I have a son with special needs. I'm a key member of his IEP team. I help develop accomodations that he needs to succeed. However, I would never presume to tell a teacher how to run her classroom (and I have a masters in education). I always bring it back to what works or doesn't work for my child and the teacher, myself, and the rest of the team come up with realistic accomodations. It's a fine line we have to walk as parents. If you want to be an involved parent, you can't alienate the entire staff the first year of school.

 

[daisyduck123]

It's toooo late. You are now "THAT MOM".

I told you in my post on Page 2 that that would happen.

Do you have a Bachelor's Degree or Master's in Elementary Education?
Just saying you've worked with this age group before does not qualify you as a certified teacher...what's your degree? I have a B.S. in Elem. Educ. & a Masters in Reading Ed.

Good luck for the rest of the year. Sorry to be brutal, but you were warned & I said before homeschooling should be considered ( you said it could be). Thank goodness you're not a parent from my class.

By the way, I'm writing this during my 30 minute "DUTY FREE" lunch period.

 

[minmate]

Well, I'm taking everything said here into consideration. Some of it I will have to disregard and some of it I will take to heart. I think, on behalf of this teacher, you have all berated me plenty. Whether she knows it or not, you have given me my due on her behalf.

I think the ultimate message here is that the education system itself seems terribly flawed. Apparently, teaching "to the masses" just isn't suitable to my expectations. That's something I'll have to think about more seriously. Since when did mediocrity become not only acceptable but worth defending?

I will never be okay with some of the things I've seen in this classroom, but obviously, on the whole, people are okay with a teacher that tells other parents details about their kids, a teacher who drinks coffee and talks on the phone, a teacher that can't quiet her class down, one who ignores kids hitting each other, and one who gives them the bare minimum of instruction and learning. People are okay shipping their kids off to school for 6+ hours to be bored and emotionally anguished. I wouldn't stay in a job that is boring or emotionally anguishing for me on an on-going basis. I don't want my kids to set their expectations about life that low. Of course, I want them to be able to deal with that kind of stuff when it does arise, but I also want them to know when to draw the line and choose better for themselves.

I haven't gone into detail about the specifics of what I've witnessed in my dd, partly b/c I am not ready to give the specific details to the teacher/principal, so they don't really know much more than you do here. So I can't hold them accountable for it nor you "guys" either, I guess. So either trust me on this or don't... it's up to you. Bottomline, since Wednesday, she's been really good... much improvement. She's only gone to school on Thursday (the day I was there/her bday celebration day). She has (incl.today) three more days off of school and I'm hoping the reprieve will give her the emotional strength she needs to stay at an improved level throughout next week... she'll go to school MW and then have five days off. Even though it's an erratic schedule, the mini-breaks from school probably couldn't have come at a better time... as long as the changing schedule doesn't throw her for a loop. I guess time will tell.

I don't buy the fact that the parent/teacher relationship is irreparably damaged here. What do you make of the fact that yesterday afternoon, we happened to see the teacher in the parking lot of the apt. complex we're living in (just so happens she lives in the same one right now!) -- and we were in the car backing away. She could have easily walked by pretending she didn't notice us in the car, but she stopped and said hello and asked where we were headed and told us where she was headed. I would think she would've ignored us if she was feeling as upset as you are all making her out to feel.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. Again, time will tell where this is headed. The two most important pieces I've gleaned from here are the thought that teacher's jobs are to only teach the kids up to state standards... nothing else. I will have to remember that... frequently, like on a daily basis. I guess I'm accustomed to the unrealistic notion that teachers are willing and able to go above and beyond that.... and secondly, to just make sure I continue to focus on my dd's individual needs/issues/success, in AND out of the classroom -- and try not to dwell on the welfare of the class as a whole.

By the way, other parents have addressed concerns about some of the same issues with the teacher, as I have here.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

7) We are in the process of getting dd officially diagnosed with SPD (Sensory Perception Disorder) -- it is likely quite mild, but she tends to absorb all emotions and sensations going on around her to a greater degree than others. Think shopping on Christmas Eve at an overpacked mall, without having eaten all day, add in the frustration that you've forgotten your purse/wallet, and have to go home to a houseful of sniping in-laws and be happy while watching 23 children open presents and go berzerk from sugar overload. This is what the day is like for her in this classroom. She is prone to a higher level of anxiety than most kids to begin with too, plus this... So, she comes home hyper and then finally crashes from emotional and sensory exhaustion and I'm left to deal with the wreckage and it's terribly emotionally draining and makes it very hard on our family life.

I feel your pain with the anxiety from sensory integration problems. I took my daughter out of school this year and am homeschooling her. The anxiety is still there, but she doesn't have the dramatic highs and lows that she had in school.

The problem I had with the school (which was private, BTW) was that the teacher didn't know how bad the problem was because she didn't spend any one-on-one time with my daughter.

I hope to use this year to build up her self-confidence, lessen the environment's effects on her body, and get rid of some of this anxiety!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I do not think that it is appropriate for teachers to discuss specific students, much less by name, to other parents. That is very unprofessional. I have had teachers who were more gossipy than other teachers and perhaps said things that they shouldn't say, however, I've never had a teacher cross the line that the OP's teacher has crossed.

minmate, I think that I would apologize to the teacher. Kind of a "sorry that things seemed to have started out on the wrong foot" and "I know that we both want what is best for all the students" kind of approach. It needs to be a let's work together atmosphere for the sake of all the kids.

You do need to look out for what is in the best interests of your DD and she has her work cut out for her with the scheduling issues.

I get the feeling that maybe this teacher is a bit burned out and has kind of forgotten why she went into teaching and is maybe feeling a little overworked and overwhelmed. Sounds to me that she wants to improve, which is why she is asking for suggestions.

I agree, the reaction from her in the parking lot is a positive sign.

 

[momof2inPA]

Just a thought-- Maybe it's a good thing that your child is academically ahead, so that she can focus on emotionally maturing.

Are you always so defensive when people don't agree with you, and why do you assume that an entire group of impartial observers is wrong and you are right?

 

[minmate]

Just a thought-- Maybe it's a good thing that your child is academically ahead, so that she can focus on emotionally maturing.

Are you always so defensive when people don't agree with you, and why do you assume that an entire group of impartial observers is wrong and you are right?

Maybe it's a written/internet thing, but I'm actually not angry or mad at anyone or anything anyone's said in response here. I wouldn't have put my situation out here if I didn't want to hear opinions, good, bad & ugly.

I don't assume as a group everyone here is wrong. If I was that totally confident in the direction in which to proceed, I wouldn't be here talking about it. I do agree that there is most likely a stigma attached to me b/c of what and how I voiced my concerns. Of course, I don't like it. Of course, it's deserved... I guess. But just as you all tell me... in a nutshell... "this is the way kindergarten is, it's ONLY kindergarten, get over it, back off and move on..." I guess, this is just the way I am and I feel and in a teacher's life she is going to run into people like me that expect more, want more and hold them accountable to higher standards than ever before. That's life too.

There was an article in today's Star Tribune (Minneapolis paper) talking about great teachers in the state. The things they described that a teacher's classroom should be like are the exact things I've been trying to communicate... one of them primarily being control of the classroom. They pointed out IN DETAIL, things this particular teacher does with her class to maintain that and some of the things they do in a day in the class. My heart was breaking all over again to read that just down the road, there's a school where kids are in a class that I consider ideal... while we sit here, mired in conflict over mediocrity being okay and "enough." Apparently, I have to come to terms with the fact that despite how much I want my kids to have the best, they aren't going to always get it, and unless I have the financial resources to "buy our way to the best" it's just reality. Maybe outright acknowledging a teacher's flaws is not the way to go about securing a popular reputation for myself within the school, but ultimately, I don't care about that.

I know I've unloaded a lot of negativity onto this teacher. I even said so to her, and I acknowledged the fact that if she, or someone else came into my home and after a few days with me pointed out all the things they thought I was doing wrong as a wife and mother, I would feel defensive and frustrated too. However, what I didn't say to her is that after a cooling off period and some personal reflection, I, personally would truly consider what the other person said, especially if I felt their utmost concern was for my benefit. And that is what I'm doing here. I don't really LIKE everything that is being said here, but I don't completely discredit all of it as if it were without merit. Some of it I will incorporate into my own terms of thinking, the rest, I will just have to accept as other people's viewpoints. (One of the things I happen to agree with is your first statement here about my dd's emotional maturity) With that said, how much LESS defensive can I be?

 

[mickeyboat]

Just a thought-- Maybe it's a good thing that your child is academically ahead, so that she can focus on emotionally maturing.

Are you always so defensive when people don't agree with you, and why do you assume that an entire group of impartial observers is wrong and you are right?

Actually, I have been pretty impressed at how well minimate has been handling the criticism she has faced on this thread. I am not sure I would have been back if I was the OP and had gotten responses like the ones we have given her.

Denae