foster parents... help!

[Momma2dakidz]

Ok long story short I have 2 "nieces". Both are foster children. One is sweet and angelic the other is a terror (to put it nicely). We had a major issue the other day at my house and she has been banned from my house. (very serious reasons, i cant go into on the board) Now what do i give this child for christmas!? Her foster parent told her she had to be good to get gifts. and let me tell you, this child deserves coal. LOL
I dont want the "good" child to suffer because the other couldnt behave. But i also dont want the child going into another episode on christmas.
What the heck would you all do in this situation?!?!
Becky

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ps. Nothing that can be a projectile is allowed now. thinking a book about manners and anger is appropriate but i am sure it would get used as a weapon.

pss i planned on giving them matching outfits and huge gift bags filled with items to use when we go see disney on ice, But after the last couple days she has totally lost the privalege to go see it with me and the other child.

 

[M5ward]

how old are these girls? Inequity in gift giving could create some serious resentment between them.

 

[Momma2dakidz]

how old are these girls? Inequity in gift giving could create some serious resentment between them.

Thats my fear, but in no way does she deserve any gift at all. Her caseworker told me not to give her anything. SIGH i cant do that! Fostermom says dont get either of them anything. But that punishes the behaving child. The behaving child y was not present when child x did what she did, any other person would have had this child taken to jjc.

She (x) is 9 and the older one (y) is 10 but more on the lines of 6ish.


Also to complicate things....X will get to go home and will get tons of presents, but Y will stay in care and will only see parents for 1 hour, and will get a $5 toy, if that.

On this line, i may just give teh gifts to Y when she is at my house instead of during xmas. and Xmas eve just give the girls matching pj's and a book.

 

[Minnie]

Xmas eve just give the girls matching pj's and a book.

I'd rethink the book gift..... due to the projectile problem. It sounds like this poor child has a lot of anger problems (I can't imagine what the poor thing has been thru to be put into foster care ) Perhaps matching pj's and a stuffed animal would be a better option?

It is always harder to care for the tough ones.... but really they need it the most

 

[CityGranola]

I agree a stuffed animal may be the better idea.

Can you see child Y while child X is with her bio fam? Can you do gifts with her then? She may very well tell girl X they came from you though...

 

[ireland_nicole]

Not about this particular child, because I don't know the details and they're none of my business, but usually children in foster care have been through some kind of neglect or abuse, and that can create serious disorders not limited to reactive attachment disorder, etc.

It is probably not that the child is bad per se, but that the child has learned to cope in a way that is not appropriate or healthy for anyone. I'm not saying that you're wrong in your desire to be safe in your home, but from the perspective of someone honestly has some knowledge of what is most likely a similar situation.

FWIW, if that is the case, then favoring the other child can actually be dangerous for them. I sincerely hope that childx has access to quality mental health care, and that the caregivers in her life can see the pain behind the anger.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Not about this particular child, because I don't know the details and they're none of my business, but usually children in foster care have been through some kind of neglect or abuse, and that can create serious disorders not limited to reactive attachment disorder, etc.

It is probably not that the child is bad per se, but that the child has learned to cope in a way that is not appropriate or healthy for anyone. I'm not saying that you're wrong in your desire to be safe in your home, but from the perspective of someone honestly has some knowledge of what is most likely a similar situation.

FWIW, if that is the case, then favoring the other child can actually be dangerous for them. I sincerely hope that childx has access to quality mental health care, and that the caregivers in her life can see the pain behind the anger.

I agree. While there must be rules and actions for behavior, for this child to experence even more loss and hurt by not getting gifts just breaks my heart.
Is this a long tern placement? Perhaps the child needs a more theraputic home for now. I totaly understand being uncomfortable taking a child somewhere but a gift just to say I care about you could mean the world to a child that may have never been cared about by anyone!

how old is this child?

 

[momtolots]

I have been a foster parent for many years, and, as a pp said, generally the ones that have more behaviour problems are more "damaged" and have attachment issues. It takes years to help these kids, and even then, you hope that you have given them enough(emotionally) that it will have a positive effect.
I would consider something artistic, which can also be therapeutic(sp?) Modelling clay, etc would be agood choice. Also, if it's thrown, it won't hurt anything. Clothes, especially since she is the younger child is also an idea, as she may have had lots of hand-me-downs in her Bio home. She may also have been cast aside for many reasons. Not really wanted, not cute enough, etc
Good luck amd I'm sure you'll make a good choice.

 

[tinkermom23]

OK, here's my 2-cents... you should stop and really think about the outcome of whatever you do. Behavior aside, she is still a little girl. I am very familiar with Foster care and I think she needs you.

What is Christmas to you? Faith aside, it's a chance to be together with those that are important in your life. A few years from now this girl may not remember what you gave her for a gift on her 10th Christmas, but she WILL remember that you excluded her. She may not be able to connect the bad behavior with the lack of love you are showing her. When we are the the least-loveable, that is when we probably need the most love!

Personally, in our family, we do not use gifts as leverage, "If you are good, you'll get a bigger gift than Billy who is being bad today." We just don't do that. Also, we don't make every child's gifts equal in price, just equal in desire. DS10 wants a DVD that is only $5 yet DD3 wants the new Tinkerbell DVD, which is more. They will both get their DVD's but the cost of each is not even a consideration. DS10 will not like a $20 DVD better simply because it cost more.

Get both of your "nieces" something that means something...something they each will like. They are individuals and they would probably appreciate not being compared to each other.

Another thought is that you should take the 10 yr old. for an outing, just you 2, if possible. The time and attention you give her may be much more valuable to her than any stuffed animal!

 

[Momma2dakidz]

Unfortunately the child is in care because she does not want to live at home. (yes csb is letting her call the shots) She thinks her home life is too strict. (foster parent doesnt help with that because they walk on egg shells to make this child "love" them, daily candy movies, tv dinners ect) I have tons of experience with RAD, and run my house very therapeuticly. I take these girls and love them to pieces, spend time doing silly stuff and each girl is treated with love dignity and individuality.
With that being said my heart is softening, But still utterly frustrated! I have NEVER had to ban a child from my house. I feel like i have failed, but i know her history and i know i am correct in this. (for an example i have worked with severe behavioral children for 22 years and have never experienced what i did on that day!)
I totally agree this child needs a more therapeutic home. But in our county that isnt going to happen when caseworkers tell you "they just need a lot of hugs". They have a counselor who works on anger management for 15minutes a month. SIGHHH

oh well its pj's and a soft book for her and y. And when she goes on her visit i will take Y out and finish her christmas. Y has never had xmas presents so xmas morning should be quite fun!!!!