For those with kids(A babysitter type question)

[sunlver]

For those with kids, any of you NOT ever use a babysitter? I do not know why people find this odd when I talk to them about it. First, I live in a state where we have no family. MY husbands family lives in one state, my family lives in another state. We have 3 kids, the youngest being 18 months, the oldest 11. We have never used a real babysitter, EVER. In the past, I have had friends watch my kids, but not on a regular basis. I can say that have asked nobody to watch all 3, because I just think that is too much to impose on a friend, yet I dont trust teenagers. Now if I have a drs appt, I have a couple of friends who I can call in a pinch to watch my youngest(the other 2 are in school). But, as only a last resort(If my husband cant watch her)will I ask friends. It is not that I dont trust my friends, its that Im always worrying about bothering people.
So no, me and my husband do not go on "dates" and leave the house. I know many people cant understand this. We do have some alone time when the kids are in bed, and I dont know why its a big deal to some that we never go out alone.
We have in the past when we just had 2 kids.
I guess this is coming up now because Im going to a comedy club for a Moms night out with my playgroup friends.My husband jokingly said "Oh sure go with them, and not your own husband"...Well yeah thats how it has to be buddy...LOL
He goes and does things occasionally with his friends, and I do the same.
So why is it that some people find it so odd that we dont go out as a couple on a regular basis and leave the kids at home with a babysitter?
I cant believe Im the only one.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We did it a few times. Seriously it costs too much, that was our problem. If we had more money back then, I would have gone out more.
Now the girls are older, we go out all the time as a couple.

 

[golfgal]

For those with kids, any of you NOT ever use a babysitter? I do not know why people find this odd when I talk to them about it. First, I live in a state where we have no family. MY husbands family lives in one state, my family lives in another state. We have 3 kids, the youngest being 18 months, the oldest 11. We have never used a real babysitter, EVER. In the past, I have had friends watch my kids, but not on a regular basis. I can say that have asked nobody to watch all 3, because I just think that is too much to impose on a friend, yet I dont trust teenagers. Now if I have a drs appt, I have a couple of friends who I can call in a pinch to watch my youngest(the other 2 are in school). But, as only a last resort(If my husband cant watch her)will I ask friends. It is not that I dont trust my friends, its that Im always worrying about bothering people.
So no, me and my husband do not go on "dates" and leave the house. I know many people cant understand this. We do have some alone time when the kids are in bed, and I dont know why its a big deal to some that we never go out alone.
We have in the past when we just had 2 kids.
I guess this is coming up now because Im going to a comedy club for a Moms night out with my playgroup friends.My husband jokingly said "Oh sure go with them, and not your own husband"...Well yeah thats how it has to be buddy...LOL
He goes and does things occasionally with his friends, and I do the same.
So why is it that some people find it so odd that we dont go out as a couple on a regular basis and leave the kids at home with a babysitter?
I cant believe Im the only one.

I have a few friends the never used babysitters and when it came time for their kids to go to school the kids completly freaked out. One was so bad mom had to go to school with him for 2 months and stay outside his classroom for 2 months until he would stay in school and this was AFTER she held him back one year before starting kindergarten. It is my opinion that you are not doing anyone any good not using babysitters occasionally if nothing else to spend some kid free time with your DH, who is the one that loses out in this type of situation.

 

[Mom21]

No babysitters here; not even family. My dd did go to preschool 3 days a week from age 2 and 1/2 until just turned 4. My husband and I worked opposite shifts if she wasnt' in school. i stopped working when she was 3, so after age 4 I homeschooled her. She just went back this year for 3rd grade but will most likely homeschool again next year.

We both just enjoy going out with her. She enjoys a nice meal just as much as we do. She has always been polite and well behaved in public (don't get me started on behavior at home ). We went on a cruise when she was 6 and she did go to the children's club for a few hours a few days, but that is because she wanted to. She got dressed very nicely on formal night and had a great time.

She is a well adjusted kid. I don't think lack of babysitters or mom and dad not going out without her is going to make her some sort of social freak like some people suggest it will.

 

[WDWfor5]

I have a few friends the never used babysitters and when it came time for their kids to go to school the kids completly freaked out. One was so bad mom had to go to school with him for 2 months and stay outside his classroom for 2 months until he would stay in school and this was AFTER she held him back one year before starting kindergarten. It is my opinion that you are not doing anyone any good not using babysitters occasionally if nothing else to spend some kid free time with your DH, who is the one that loses out in this type of situation.

sunlvr - PLEASE do not listen to the above comment. My children are 7, 4 and almost 3 and we've never used a babysitter on any kind of regular basis. My DMIL has watched the kids when I went to the hospital to have another baby, etc. but that's about it until they start preschool. Now that they are all in school at least a few hours a week, that's all the free time I need.

When my DD started preschool she ran into school and forgot to kiss me goodbye. She loves school , has no seperation issues and knows that I am there for her when she needs me. BOth my DS's go the preschool for 3 hours 2X per week and love it, no tears about going and also are ready to come home when it's over.

As for the "it's not fair to your DH", that depends on your DH. I am fortunate that my DH does not resent the time his children take and agrees with me that they are only little once and we will have lots of alone time as they grow up. It sounds like you and your DH find time for "me" time while they are with one of you and that's great.

Most of my friends only use babysitters that are family and would never consider trusting a teenager with their young children. You are by no means alone in this. As for why people find it odd - I can only guess that we all expect that our choices are the norm. So if you leave your kids bith a babysitter, it would seem strange to you that someone else makes different choices just as it may seme strange to someone who doesn't that anyone would. For me - it's about what works for your family and no one should try scare tactics of how bad it is for you to raise your kids the way you beleive.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I have a few friends the never used babysitters and when it came time for their kids to go to school the kids completly freaked out. One was so bad mom had to go to school with him for 2 months and stay outside his classroom for 2 months until he would stay in school and this was AFTER she held him back one year before starting kindergarten. It is my opinion that you are not doing anyone any good not using babysitters occasionally if nothing else to spend some kid free time with your DH, who is the one that loses out in this type of situation.

VERY good point!

I don't think it's healthy for kids to be 24/7/365 with mom and dad, and vice versa. I think you need time apart to keep your marriage alive and the kids get to interact with others without being attached to their parents.

Just my opinion.

 

[Bob Slydell]

No, we've always used babysitters. We've been fortunate to have a couple very trustworthy people babysit our kids, including a couple teenagers, one of whom we became so close to (she's in college now) that we asked her to be godmother to our second son.

 

[nliedel]

We do, but we prefer family. Sometimes Gene and I need a night out together to keep the fires burning. Honestly we both feel that the greatest gift we can offer our boys is the example of a loving happy marriage.

I am with the boys almost 24/7 and time for both myself and Gene is precious.

In the end do what is comfortable for you. I would never berate someone for wanting precious time with their little one, they are grown so fast. Just as I would never do the same for people who want a break because that makes them a better parent. There is a middle ground in all things.

 

[Pixiedust34]

We live with no local family and do use a babysitter once in a while. Sometimes I have friends watch my kids, but that's more for a necessary thing (like if I have to go to the doctor or something like that). If we want to go out, we usually get a sitter.

A good babysitter is hard to find. Most teens have part time jobs and on their nights off from work, they want to go out with friends instead of babysit.

We are lucky in that we recently found a new sitter who is great with the kids. It's expensive, though. I offer $8/hour (that's the going rate here) but tip well and always "round up" timewise (like if we go over a solid hour timeframe, I will pay her for that whole next hour). Since sitters are hard to find, I pay the ones I have well to keep them.

Another option is to swap sitting with another family so you can take turns going out. We tried this a few times, but didn't keep up with it.

If we didn't get a sitter now and then, we'd rarely be able to go out with just the two of us. We'd go out more often if it wasn't so expensive.

 

[mickeyboat]

I remember seeing a thread about this a couple of years ago. Warning - it turned into a very heated debate.

We moved to VT to be close to DH's family, so we would always have someone available to watch the girls. Since they were born DH's sisters have all moved away, and MIL passed away, so we really have no family to leave them with. They have both been in day care since they were babies.

We have hired a babysitter several times, and except for one girl locking them all out of the house, things have gone well. As a matter of fact, we left them for 3 hours with a 12 year old girl on Saturday night, and they had a blast. It is expensive, and we enjoy spending time with our kids, so we don't do it very often. Also, I feel more comfortable leaving them now that they are a little older.

Denae

 

[justhat]

I have a few friends the never used babysitters and when it came time for their kids to go to school the kids completly freaked out. One was so bad mom had to go to school with him for 2 months and stay outside his classroom for 2 months until he would stay in school and this was AFTER she held him back one year before starting kindergarten. It is my opinion that you are not doing anyone any good not using babysitters occasionally if nothing else to spend some kid free time with your DH, who is the one that loses out in this type of situation.

I suppose this could happen if your child doesn't go to any type of school until they're 6 and never sees other people, but it really seems like a rare case that has much more to do with the kids personality than not having a babysitter. We've never used a non-family babysitter (and those are very, very rare too cause we dont' live near any family) yet my daughter started preschool at 18 months with no more crying at dropoff than the other kids in her class (who were all at least 3 months older) who were routinely left with nannies and/or babysitters. Now she goes happily everyday and loves it there. She also had no problem staying with my mom for 2 nights while we went to Nashville in January (she was 22 months old and only sees my mom about once or twice a month).

I'm not against babysitters in any way, and until my daughter was born I regularly babysat for many of the kids in the preschool class I taught. It's just that I don't feel like spending $12-$15/hour for a babysitter, plus whatever my 'date' with my husband will cost. We wait till we're visiting family or till they visit us and go out alone then and when we need our kid-free fix at other times we just wait till she's asleep and rent a movie or something like that.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

We didn't go out much when our older kids were little. It wasn't the end of the world and our marriage survived.

We also don't have family close by, so to get a babysitter meant hiring a teen (and planning ahead), asking a friend, or joining a babysitting co-op.

By the time we had our 4th child our older three were 6, 9, and 12yo and when the baby was a year old our oldest was legally old enough to babysit and was mature enough to handle it. Not to mention she liked earning the money.

We didn't leave them for long and often Jake was down for a nap part of the time, and very often we were at one of the brother's babseball games, but it was real nice being able to occasionally go out as a couple, even if it was to the event of another child.

That's when I realized how important it was to my husband that we go out on dates. I hadn't placed such a high priority on it, but I hadn't really stopped to ask him his opinion, just assumed it was the same as mine. Afterall, I was the one who was a SAHM, so of course he would want to see the kids when he wasn't working, right?

I'll have to say, the years after having Jake were so much easier in some ways since we could have a break, even though Jake was a much more difficult child. I think it's what held our marriage together.

It sounds to me like it's important for your husband for him to see you put a little effort into going out with him. He wants to feel special and have a little time alone with you.

Your kids are old enough that an older teen/college student can handle them for a few hours. If you're concerned, have it be a little later when the baby is already asleep or make it earlier so the sitter won't have to put the baby to bed at all (if the baby has a hard time going to bed).

I remember having a college student one time when I had three kids. I was worried about how my kids would do, how my youngest would behave, if he would go to bed, how my oldest did since she had a real 8yo attitude about being left etc, etc. I came home and no, my youngest was not asleep. They were all sitting around playing a game, with my youngest on the sitter;s lap, "helping" and my oldest having a blast. It was the best spent $ and the kids begged for her to come back. But she went and got married soon after that.

 

[KelNottAt]

We don't have any family close enough to sit for us. Since our kids were born, we've hired babysitters (all teenagers) maybe 6 times total. Now our kids are old enough that we don't need a sitter anymore.

But, DH and I hardly ever go out on dates. Part of the reason is that DH works REALLY crazy hours and he rarely has weekend time off. Or, if he has off, we're visiting relatives or busy with kids' activities.

Plus, one other reason we don't go out on dates is that we really enjoy our kids' company. Since we're apart all day for work and school (or day care years ago) we really want to be with the kids in our spare time. If we do "go out" like to the movies and dinner, the kids come along.

(But, we're not one of those couples who insist on bringing kids when they're obviously not invited, like weddings, grown-up events, etc. "Why-aren't-my-kids-included" people bother me and we aren't like that.)

There's just no time for couple time. And we're perfectly happy like this. We really really are, and I, too, deeply resent it when people preach that we need to go on dates.

 

[Christine]

We have never "hired" a babysitter. I am lucky that my parents live close by and I use them when necessary. My kids also went to daycare because I worked full-time. But if it weren't for my family, I probably would not have gone out. Honestly, I don't know ANY teenagers who are interested in babysitting. None. Nada. Zip. My best friend had a teen daughter when my kids were young enough to need a sitter and she had no interest in doing babysitting.

 

[2Princes2Princesses]

My youngest kids have been with a sitter, usually my ex husband will stay with all 4 (my 2 oldest are his children), only a couple of times. DD-2, maybe 5 times, including when I gave birth to her brother, and DS-1 a total of maybe twice.

On the 25th, DH and I went to Boston for 2 days alone and left all the kids here with my ex. The little ones were fine.

My oldest were raised like this too, because when they were young, I was a single Mom and was broke. When they started kindergarten...they both gave me a hug and hopped on the bus. Not one tear from either one.

And my 2-yr-old DD has been taken out shopping and stuff by my sister, who she sees maybe once a month, and never blinks an eye.

I don't think separation anxiety has as much to do with whether you have always been with them as it does with your child's personality and YOUR level of anxiety at them leaving. Maybe that friend with the kids who needed her to sit at school was all anxious about them going and THAT's why they freaked.

DH and I have time together at night when our kids go to bed. I don't like to go out. I have OCD and get agoraphobic at times, hate crowds....etc. We'd rather stay here and watch a dvd alone than spend money to go out somewhere. Our marriage is just fine. Maybe in a year or 2, when Courtney (DD13) is 14 or 15, we will go out more and let her sit.

When we need some time out, we get someone to come over. But that is rare.

Do what works for you and your husband. And who cares what anyone else thinks, as long as you and your family are healthy and happy.

 

[grlpwrd]

So no, me and my husband do not go on "dates" and leave the house.

I wouldn't berate anyone for not having sitters, but this statement concerns me.

Asking rhetorically here... Are you married to your dh or your kids? That is, ideally, do what works for your dh and you, but what if he wants to be alone with you. Do you prioritize time with your kids over your dh? Maybe he just wants time alone with you one on one as a couple.

edited for clarity

 

[Maleficent13]

It's just that I don't feel like spending $12-$15/hour for a babysitter

Are you SERIOUS???? This is the going rate for babysitters????? When I babysat (and really, it wasn't THAT long ago, I swear) the most I made was $5.00/hr, and that was if I had more than 3 kids to watch. Average rate was $2-3, and as a teen I was thrilled to make that!

If sitters are making that much an hour, I'm seriously thinking about quitting my job and going back to that...

 

[budbeerlady]

DD has never had a sitter and she is 5. I have been lucky enough that if Dh and I go away for an anniversary or something like an out of town wedding she goes to my parents. Otherwise she comes with us if we go out to eat or to see a family movie.

 

[justhat]

Are you SERIOUS???? This is the going rate for babysitters????? When I babysat (and really, it wasn't THAT long ago, I swear) the most I made was $5.00/hr, and that was if I had more than 3 kids to watch. Average rate was $2-3, and as a teen I was thrilled to make that!

If sitters are making that much an hour, I'm seriously thinking about quitting my job and going back to that...

Completely serious. The last time I babysat (well for money that is!) was 2/04, right before my daughter was born and the minimum I'd get was $12/hour, plus travel time. I was 23 at the time, but very few people in this area have high schoolers babysit, it's mostly college kids, so that's pretty much the going rate. High schoolers are $10-$12/hour so not a huge discount with them anyway. DC just has an overal high cost of living!!

BTW, when I was in high school in NJ I got $6/hour (this was from around ages 13-18, so 1993-1998) and once I was in college I'd get $10/hour. And none of those rates, including the DC ones, were ever asked for by me or anything like that, more of an understood rate.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Are you SERIOUS???? This is the going rate for babysitters????? When I babysat (and really, it wasn't THAT long ago, I swear) the most I made was $5.00/hr, and that was if I had more than 3 kids to watch. Average rate was $2-3, and as a teen I was thrilled to make that!

If sitters are making that much an hour, I'm seriously thinking about quitting my job and going back to that...

My 15yo gets paid $10/hr to babysit. It's the rate that my DD got paid b the same neighbors when she started sitting for them probably 4 years ago (no inflation), but the kids have gotten easier, so it balances out. My DD is in college now and still sits occasionally when she's home, but my son gets most of the jobs now. My DH jokes that he'll go watch the neighbor kids if our kids don't want to since they pay so well.

The money seems like a lot, and it is, but they are also paying for the convenience of having a babysitter at the drop of the hat. The other day I couldn't find my 15yo and it turns out they'd called while I was in the shower so he'd gone over to babysit. If I don't find him here, he's usually over there, sometimes with 5 minutes notice. They like to run and want someone when they feel like running and sometimes it's for an hour, sometimes for several. Sometimes they'll run a mini-marathon and need one of my kids at 6AM on a Sunday morning. A lot of kids wouldn't want to wake up for that, but they pay well and my kids wake up. Chaching! An easy $60? You're darned right they're waking up!

But not all neighbors pay that much and my son especially leaves it up to the parents, except with some neighbors who have WILD kids and pay $3/hour when the going rate is $8-10 an hour here (and the parents know what the going rate is). If they couldn't afford more, he would gladly sit for them (and he really would, my DD probably wouldn't), but they REALLY can, based on everything they buy their kids, but that's a different thread...