For those of you with teenagers, a question..

[nhrenee]

Are there any good books out there about teenagers? I'd like some strategies for getting along better with my 14 yr old ds. Or is that like asking for the winning Lotto numbers?

TIA!!

 

[tiggerwannabe]

I use communication and compromise...
they hate being treated like children,
treat them with the respect you would show
to any peer of your own.

Communicate with their friends as well,
you'll get more background on your own child
if you talk to their peers...

 

[NHAnn]

Check this out for support/ideas/resources:

http://www.parentingadolescents.com

 

[poohtown]

have you heard the expression,

"raising a teenager is like nailing jello to a tree".

actually I found my kids seemed to hit their "troubled teen years" when they wer between the ages of 10-14. Now my sixteen year old is in the phase where she thinks I'm pretty cool.

no books, but here's some tips:

1. remember how hard it was when you were that age - they're still kids but everyone keeps telling them to grow up. The things they associate with being grown up are things they can't or are not supposed to do.

2. peer pressure hurts!

3. they are people too - they have bad days when they want to be left alone, days when a hug is really needed, and a good cry/yelling fit might help

4. don't try to be their friend. They have friends at school, they need a parent (even if they say they don't)

5. talk to them and really listen to what they are saying

I could go on and on until it's book length, but I think this covers alot.

 

[Serena]

I compared my teenage daughter to a rollercoaster. You gotta go with the flow and no matter what, they need you. They need you consistant, because they are not capable of it. They need you flexible, they need you strong. Most of all, they need your love.

 

[Kirby]

I second all that's been said so far. Talking and listening is at the top of my list. And that really needs to begin way before they are teenagers.

I also feel that being a parent and not a friend is important too. You can become friends when they are grown. They really want you to be an authority figure whether they act like it or not.

Also, don't threaten and not follow through. When I tell my kids that these are the consequences for certain behavior, they know that I really mean what I say.

I have found that getting along with my 15 year old son is a lot easier than with my 13 year old daughter. I have to be much more patient and just step back sometimes and let her yell.

We talk a lot. I've told them both that the one thing they don't want to do is abuse our trust in them. It's very hard to earn it back.

I've also said that the older they get, the more freedom that they get. This also ties into the trust issue.

And remember, they won't tell you everything but if you get on a good footing of talking, you'll hear most everything sooner or later, even if its months on down the road.

And don't blow up if you hear something that you don't like. Stay calm, maybe asking if you can discuss this in a little while after you have time to calm down and think.

Give them an opportunity to make decisions, but maybe letting them know how you really feel. Just yesterday my son and I had a discussion about him meeting a girl from another town over an hour away at Starbucks. She was driving here and I had some issues. While I didn't mind him meeting her, I didn't really care for it and told him so. I didn't think it was wise for her to be driving through very heavy, rush hour traffic just to meet him (they've never met before, she's a friend of a friend of his). Plus, she was supposed to be coming to our town to watch some of her classmates play against a local private school not visiting him. I asked if her parents really knew why she was coming. So, I left it up to him whether or not he met her. He decided not to meet her.

I hope that you get some of the answers you were looking for.

 

[nhrenee]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. Your suggestions will be very helpful.

 

[bmt337]

As a mom to two boys, step mom to a 17yr. old and a 19yr. old. I can tell you that most of the people we know have had problems with their girls. I can't recommend a good book but I did go to a site called toughlove.org. Its philosophy goes like this:

Parents Bill of Rights
You have a right to a nights sleep without:
Worrying where your child is...
Being awakened by your child coming in drunk, stoned, etc....
Emergency phone calls from the police station, hospital or because they're stranded at a friends house...

You have the RIGHT to:
Live in a clean house...
You have the right to expect co-operation and courtesy in your own home...
Stop paying your childs "fines"...
Stop helping your child and start taking care of yourself...
You have the right to:
To expect responsible behaviour from your children regardless of your age...
And to make changes in your behaviour that your son/daughter doesn't like....

You have the right to expect your child to contribute around the house...
Loving your child is NO excuse for being treated badly, it is no excuse for violent, rude or inconsiderate behaviour. If you can't or won't make sure your RIGHTS as a parent are respected, how can you expect your children to respect your rights.

 

[DoeWDW]

I've found that a lot of my best conversations happen when I'm alone in the car with one of my teens (when I'm driving!). Don't know why they open up more there - maybe it's because they know you can't make eye contact??

 

[Kirby]

I've found that a lot of my best conversations happen when I'm alone in the car with one of my teens (when I'm driving!).

Me too! I'm going to miss taking my son to and from school next year and I've told him that. He gets his license this summer.

Let them know that you enjoy talking to them. Not just to find out information but just casual conversation.

 

[mom2boys]

As I am listening to the radio, Dr. Laura is recommending her "book of the day". I can't vouch for the book but Dr. Laura thinks it wonderful - and a real eye opener. "How to Keep Your Teenager out of trouble & what to do if you can't." by Dr. Bernstein

Open communication and active involvement in their teenager’s life
Setting firm, reasonable, enforceable limits which are consistent with how responsible their teenager is
Helping their teenager develop a good value system and feel empathy for others
Raising their teenagers to have pride in themselves and resist adverse peer influence

a link to Dr. Laura's full description of the book. http://www.drlaura.com/reading/index.html?mode=view&id=244