? for stay at home moms/wives

[cstraub]

My question to all of you SAHW's and SAHM's is this: what would you do if your DH came home one day and asked for a divorce? Could you support yourself? QUOTE]

I would get child support and alimony. The law protects women and values their postion as stay at home mom's and wives. I can even contribute to an IRA if I want to. In the eyes of the law I must be retiring from some sort of work!?

It sounds like you are not in a marraige that you feel safe and secure relying on his income only. Apparently you do not belive that your spouse will never leave you therefore putting you in a postion that you have to be "equal" finicially to your spouse.

I don't make a dime and haven't for over 10 years. What my DH makes money wise is ours. He puts credit cards in my name so that if anything ever happens to him I will have good credit. The house is in both of our names and the van is in my name only. We have the same amount of life insurance on me as we do on him. If something were to happen to me he would quit his job to take over mine.

My DH would never want me to not have a nice lifestyle. He loves me and our children. If we ever were to divorce he would ensure that I was taken care of because I am the mother of his children and they come first in both of our eyes. To leave me out cold would destroy our children. He is just a kind and decent man that would never do that.

 

[cstraub]

My friend (who has two DSs aged 7 and 1) wants to leave her husband because he is emotionally abusive to her and the older boy. She can't. She is stuck without a job and no way to support herself. She has not worked in 7 years and refuses to even consider "leaving her baby to be raised by strangers". So she stays in the pile of manure she has created for herself. If she had a job all along (even part time) she would be empowered to leave (IMO).

I also have two children and work part time. I could not afford my lifestyle on my current salary, but I could afford to feed and clothe my children in a worst case scenario. Mariage is such a balancing act. Either partner can leave at any time (believe me I know having gone through serious marital problems with DH 2 years ago) and ultimately you can only trust yourself. OP, why put yourself in such a percarious situation if you don't have children to consider? Just get a new job...you'll feel better.

Leaving him has nothing to do with income. I would leave in a heartbeat if it were me and make it work out. I was a single parent at 19 and "left" the guy. With DS in tow I did childcare in other peoples homes and worked my way through college w/o putting my son in daycare. You can make it work out if you want to.
If a 19 year old can work through something that seems hopeless surley your friend can.

There is no excuse for staying in an abusive realtionship. She's just throwing out the "I don't have a job card". She must not really want to leave him or she would! Excuses, excuses.

 

[lil mermaid]

This is absolutely true... there is a double standard here.

My question to all of you SAHW's and SAHM's is this: what would you do if your DH came home one day and asked for a divorce? Could you support yourself?

I could never be happy with a man that didn't work. Just as I could never be happy not working. We keep our money separate and split our bills down the middle. We are equal partners.

And claims of scrubbing the floor on your hands & knees daily? Unless you live in a museum this doesn't ring credible to me.

Well, I really don't think that my husband will ever come home one day asking for a divorce, but never say never, right? The answer is yes, I could support myself and my daughter. Madeline wasn't born until I was 36 and I had been working since high school before that, and had a good job. We decided that for us, the best thing for our family would be for me to stay home with her for a few years. I do want to go back to work some day.

I am also planning on getting my certification to teach and plan to do that when DD goes to school. It will give me a salary of less than 1/2 of what I made before, but I will have the summers off with DD.

And, I do scrub the floor on my hands and knees daily - however, that is limited to the area directly beneath DD's high chair

 

[kidshop]

My dh has more life insurance on me than on himself! He says it would cost a fortune to replace me as a SAHM, so he would be worse off w/o me, than I would be w/o him. You know, I think he has a point there! He is military and has a commitment and is unable to quit his job.

 

[txgirl]

She asked about whether you would be bored and let me say this. I can't think of a bigger waste of *my* time (not yours, not your job, I'm just speaking for me ) than answering the phone, pushing around paperwork, clicking away at the computer and when the day is done I've done what? Where have I made a meaningful impact?

I lowered someone's interest rate?
I faxed some paperwork?
I made an inventory spreadsheet?

AHHHHHH BORING! At the end of my day I feel like I had a purpose. I'm not saying that those who work outside the home can't or don't find purpose in their jobs. I am only saying that being at home has brought me greater purpose than any job outside the home.

I have taught preschool, worked for Child Protective Services, worked for a mortgage company, a nuclear plant, a church, and many others. I've considered nursing later in life.

How can others judge how meaningful or important my day is when I could name thousands of jobs that pull in a paycheck that don't mean a hill of beans to my family. Order in my home can go miles and miles for my marriage and for the raising of my children. Having a peaceful haven for everyone to wind down in, dinner ready, clothes clean, house straight, errands run, phone calls made (oh yea, people pay for others to do these jobs everyday so surely you can see how one person might stay busy doing them )

I know there are those who can do it all, but I'm not one of those people. I get so easily distracted that someone or something would absolutely fall in the cracks.

Always a debatable subject and one that I can't seem to avoid chiming in on!

As far as divorce, we are committed to being married not just committed to each other. We are prepared with life insurance but there is no marriage insurance. If we were that worried about our marriage lasting we would have never gotten married in the first place. (btw-no pie in the sky here, we both come from divorced families) BUT we won't live our life preparing for the other to leave. I have family who would support and help me through what would be a difficult time. I would never regret this choice regardless of all the "what-ifs".

We are quite traditional in the sense that I love for my husband to open the door for me, mow the grass, put up the Christmas lights, watch lots of sports and eat lots of chips while doing so. I love to decorate, scrapbook, and watch "Clean Sweep" . These are sterotypes and we fit them! And I'm glad

The reason he works and I don't is because it makes him happy and it makes me happy! . We don't "seperate" everything. If that was what we wanted we could have just lived together as roommates.

 

[cstraub]

I know alot of women like this, and it kills me! They shop, lunch, get manicures & facials, etc. All while calling themselves SAHM's. They have people to clean their house & watch their kids(me!) then on the weekends demand that their DH has to help them with the kids because they need a break! IMO it's really sad. I don't care how much money I had, I'd want to contribute something worthwhile to the world.

Here's the defintion of worthwhile:

Sufficiently valuable or important to be worth one's time, effort, or interest

 

[Planogirl]

I support a person's right to do whatever works for them but I would like to warm the SAHW's. Your hubby can lose his job or something can happen to him and it's not always easy to waltz out there and instantly get a high-paying job. It depends a lot on where you live and how old you are among other factors. Things can go haywire so it's wise to have a plan for every scenario.

But meanwhile, enjoy your lifestyle. I did it for a little while a long time ago and I admit that it was kind of nice.

 

[punkin]

Leaving him has nothing to do with income. I would leave in a heartbeat if it were me and make it work out. I was a single parent at 19 and "left" the guy. With DS in tow I did childcare in other peoples homes and worked my way through college w/o putting my son in daycare. You can make it work out if you want to.
If a 19 year old can work through something that seems hopeless surley your friend can.

There is no excuse for staying in an abusive realtionship. She's just throwing out the "I don't have a job card". She must not really want to leave him or she would! Excuses, excuses.

If you think her ability to support her children has nothing to do with it, you live in a different reality.

I happen to agree with you that she (as a college educated woman) could leave him if she wanted to, but the choices she made put being there to raise her children above all else. If she had an income and a disposition that would allow her to feel secure as a mother even with children in day care, then she would leave him.

That's exactly what we are discussing. Exactly at what point do you give up your career and earning potential to sit home and take of your family. I made the choice (only went back to work part-time last year) to do that because my older child was not thriving in the day-care environment. My younger one would have done just fine. However, if I did not have children, I would not make the decision to stay home and take care of my husband and home, giving up all financial independence.

It was a hard choice for me to make as a parent. As a wife it would be inconceivable.

 

[DVCJEN]

I support a person's right to do whatever works for them but I would like to warm the SAHW's. Your hubby can lose his job or something can happen to him and it's not always easy to waltz out there and instantly get a high-paying job. It depends a lot on where you live and how old you are among other factors. Things can go haywire so it's wise to have a plan for every scenario.

That's why it is important to always have an emergency fund, always have insurance and live within or below your means. That way unexpected events won't be catostrophic. I think being a SAHW is a great choice --if it has been planned for and makes both partners happy.

 

[txgirl]

That's why it is important to always have an emergency fund, always have insurance and live within or below your means. That way unexpected events won't be catostrophic. I think being a SAHW is a great choice --if it has been planned for and makes both partners happy.

Good Point- We only have one car payment and enough equity and savings to survive a job loss/then job change. No credit card debt whatsoever. We have joked that we could sell the big truck and live in a one bedroom apt. and drive the Jetta (55 miles to the gallon! ) and survive on some pretty meager means! It's all about choices.

 

[disykat]

That's why it is important to always have an emergency fund, always have insurance and live within or below your means. That way unexpected events won't be catostrophic. I think being a SAHW is a great choice --if it has been planned for and makes both partners happy.

I don't get why people are so focused on the financial aspect of this argument. If I were single and lost my job, I'd be looking for another one. If I were married and not working and dh lost his job, there would be two of us out looking for work. The whole "you'd better work in case dh loses his job" argument sort of begs the question - should single people work two jobs just in case?

 

[ilovepcot]

I don't get why people are so focused on the financial aspect of this argument. If I were single and lost my job, I'd be looking for another one. If I were married and not working and dh lost his job, there would be two of us out looking for work. The whole "you'd better work in case dh loses his job" argument sort of begs the question - should single people work two jobs just in case?

Snickers while reaching for another bon-bon.

 

[Sandcass]

Just curious Sandcass......Why do you feel the strong need to contribute something to the world? Sometimes things can be said in a cliche' manner because we have heard them said over and over. I hear this one all the time and I would love to know the answer.

I guess it's just in my nature. I was raised by a hardworking single mother, she works with handicapped adults, my sister is an RN, and I'm a daycare provider. Even if I didn't have to work for financial reasons, I would always want SOMETHING to do, something with a purpose. And being a SAHM is the ultimate for me, I don't think there's anything more important than raising children. I just don't get how somebody could possibly live their life only for themself. Everybody has SOMETHING to contribute to the world. I don't think God intended anybody to fill their days with only pleasure, no purpose. (Don't mean to turn this into a "God" debate either, but that's my belief.) Being a SAHM IS A JOB, so I don't get how somebody can have a nanny, housekeeper, landscaper, etc and call themself a SAHM. There's gotta be some responsiblitly along with the title. There's nothing wrong with being a SAHW either, if you are happy and living a purposeful life. It sounds like the OP would like to stay home, and take care of her house & husband. I think that would be wonderful, and there's plenty to do in this world to keep her from getting bored. I can't imagine that golf, shopping & facials would keep me fulfilled for long. That was all I meant.

(Gosh, where'd this soapbox come from??? Sorry to be longwinded!)

*edit* After I walked away from the computer I kept thinking about this question and debate. I guess my feelings about the OP's question, and cstraub's question are basically this : If you are bored, frustrated or miserable in your life.... whatever you're doing.... if you work a paying job, stay home with or without kids, whatever..... If you're bored, unhappy & unfulfilled, then you are not living the life you were meant to live. Some people are stuck in jobs that they hate, and simply can't change for financial reasons, and everybody's answer to what is right for their life is DIFFERENT, but if you are unhappy it's for a reason. You're not doing what you were meant to do. And it's not for us to judge each other and decide what's right for each other. THANK GOD we're all sooo different. Not many people would want my life, but I love it and at the end of the day I'm proud of what I do.

Ok, that's all..... I promise

 

[Judy from Boise]

wonderful post. i think the thread could draw to a close right now and we all would be enriched for the debate and discourse.

 

[Caradana]

I don't get why people are so focused on the financial aspect of this argument. If I were single and lost my job, I'd be looking for another one. If I were married and not working and dh lost his job, there would be two of us out looking for work. The whole "you'd better work in case dh loses his job" argument sort of begs the question - should single people work two jobs just in case?

Not so much. Staying at home for an extended period makes you less employable in the white-collar world. Are there exceptions? Sure. But the SAHW is up the creek if her husband leaves, as tens of thousands of ex-wives have learned the hard way.

 

[Caradana]

My question to all of you SAHW's and SAHM's is this: what would you do if your DH came home one day and asked for a divorce? Could you support yourself? QUOTE]

I would get child support and alimony. The law protects women and values their postion as stay at home mom's and wives. I can even contribute to an IRA if I want to. In the eyes of the law I must be retiring from some sort of work!?
...

My DH would never want me to not have a nice lifestyle. He loves me and our children. If we ever were to divorce he would ensure that I was taken care of because I am the mother of his children and they come first in both of our eyes. To leave me out cold would destroy our children. He is just a kind and decent man that would never do that.

The reality of the legal system is that it could take you months or years to actually collect a dime of alimony or child support. In the meanwhile, you need to eat.

"He is just a kind and decent man that would never do that" are perhaps the most famous last words in marital history. I'm sure your husband is, and I'm sure you're very lucky ... tens of thousands of women have learned the hard way just how untrue that assumption can be.

 

[disykat]

But the SAHW is up the creek if her husband leaves, as tens of thousands of ex-wives have learned the hard way.

I must just be weird. I don't know anyone who does nothing but pamper herself/himself all day. I also know several SAHM's who got left by their dh's or needed money for some reason and went out and got jobs just like anyone else would. It didn't make them regret the time they didn't work.

 

[Sandcass]

I must just be weird. I don't know anyone who does nothing but pamper herself/himself all day. .

We have some very affluent neighborhoods in our area.

 

[skiwee1]

We have some very affluent neighborhoods in our area.

We have affluent areas too but most have two income families in them. Yes, I pamper myself by going to the spa every week and meeting for lunch with friends or DH a few times a week. I call that pampering. BUT I do this stuff after I clean a rather large house all by myself, do clothes for 4 people, take care of the pets, and shop for groceries and cook meals. While DH works all day and plays golf to have fun, I do housework then do stuff for me to have fun. When I did work many years ago I didn't hate it. It was fun at times but I would have much rather spent time at home. After our middle child came along I decided to do just that. Now that the last is in school fulltime I see no need to join the workforce. We don't need the money. I'm very happy at home. I am finally pampering myself after 23 years of all kids all the time. Now is ME time.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Skiwee, not only have we been at home with our kids for many years and maybe have the "I've paid my dues" mentality, but when the kids get home our busyness begins again. Homework, dinner, driving them to activities, etc. It's hardly quiet at that point! And I still need to make that spa appointment!