? for stay at home moms/wives

[cstraub]

I want to be a

 

[Ziva]

I was responding to this and then to you. Men do not have the same "choices" beacause they have not endured the same hard road that we have. Beacause they forced us to change from "working" in the home to working outside of the home. Now many of us want to stay home and many of us want to work. There is a choice there for us and it is a double standard. I guess this is our reward for not having respect from them in the first place!

Paybacks are heck......No I'm not big believer of Karma but it sure fits!

Well if you weren't just talking to me then perhaps you should've quoted the other person too. Honestly I'm getting a bit lost here...

 

[Ziva]

I want to be a

Your wish is granted!

 

[cstraub]

Your wish is granted!

Thank you

 

[staceyfe]

I'm still seeing a lot of talk about choices...I don't feel like working...I struggle with working...etc. All I'm saying is there's a double standard. Men are expected to work, whether we "feel" like it or not. This is the easiest way to explain it. For those of you who don't feel like working, what if your husband felt the same way? Now nobody works right? Yet it's ok for YOU not to work because you don't feel up to it.

Call me old-fashioned, but ITA with this. I think society as a whole expects the man to work, while women are given the choice. I work PT and DH works FT. If he wanted to be a stay at home husband (which he never would)--and a SAHD is a totally different thing--I'd have a hard time supporting his decision. I'm 33, so I've never really known what it was like when most women didn't work outside the home, but I feel like, for my relationship, the man should be working. I consider the man to be the head of household (for me, it's Biblical). If a wife has no problem supporting her husband, more power to her.

 

[Lil Lil]

This thread has gotten off track a bit but I wanted to let you know that I know where you are coming from. DH and I are also in our 30s without children and I have been seriously considering "retiring" if you will. My husband makes a good living and has told me that he would be happy to have me stay home if it was what I wanted. I have went back and forth with the issue of how I would best utilize my time because right now my job is hectic and very busy. My Mom never worked outside the home either and she is one of the most interesting and involved people I know. I think some of the less supportive comments here come from either possible jealousy or a lack of appreciation for your choice of being childfree.
I don't have a lot of advice except--- weigh your options and know that in the end the only opinions that are truly important on the subject is yours and your DH's. Good Luck!

AMEN!

 

[Shugardrawers]

Well I'm a SAHW and I love it. I do have a "hobby" type job where I work between 6 and 10 hours a week. Since I have cancer and much of my time is spent in Dr offices I don't have time for more. I don't have the energy for more. But that's not the point. There is plenty for me to do around here that more fits the job description of a scullery maid than a princess. I always hated working and I'm much happier at home, even with the stress of the situation. Just because we fought to have the kinds of choices we do today doesn't mean we are being lazy or unfair when we choose not to work. Ask a working mom who gets no help around the house how fair she thinks THAT choice is.

 

[Sandcass]

Wow, that doesn't seem really fair to the other partner who is supporting you though does it? I would think that everyone would want to stay home and golf all day etc...why should one partner in the relationship have to work while the other golfs, plays tennis, gets together with friends all day etc....wouldn't cut it if I was the person who had to go to work while my partenr stayed home and spent my money and had all the fun!

I know alot of women like this, and it kills me! They shop, lunch, get manicures & facials, etc. All while calling themselves SAHM's. They have people to clean their house & watch their kids(me!) then on the weekends demand that their DH has to help them with the kids because they need a break! IMO it's really sad. I don't care how much money I had, I'd want to contribute something worthwhile to the world.

 

[Pugdog007]

I'm still seeing a lot of talk about choices...I don't feel like working...I struggle with working...etc. All I'm saying is there's a double standard. Men are expected to work, whether we "feel" like it or not. This is the easiest way to explain it. For those of you who don't feel like working, what if your husband felt the same way? Now nobody works right? Yet it's ok for YOU not to work because you don't feel up to it.

I don't really care, it doesn't affect me. I'm jsut pointin out the double standard, and it's interesting to me, that's all. Consider the millions in middle class suburbia where the DH works, and the wife is a SAHW. He walks in one day and says "I really don't feel like working" We need to sell the house or you have to find a $100,000 job. Those princesses wouldn't know what to do next. I guees despite the women's revolution, little has changed. Women have choices, men have responsibilities.

This is absolutely true... there is a double standard here.

My question to all of you SAHW's and SAHM's is this: what would you do if your DH came home one day and asked for a divorce? Could you support yourself?

I could never be happy with a man that didn't work. Just as I could never be happy not working. We keep our money separate and split our bills down the middle. We are equal partners.

And claims of scrubbing the floor on your hands & knees daily? Unless you live in a museum this doesn't ring credible to me.

 

[Sandcass]

I'm still seeing a lot of talk about choices...I don't feel like working...I struggle with working...etc. All I'm saying is there's a double standard. Men are expected to work, whether we "feel" like it or not. This is the easiest way to explain it. For those of you who don't feel like working, what if your husband felt the same way? Now nobody works right? Yet it's ok for YOU not to work because you don't feel up to it.

I don't really care, it doesn't affect me. I'm jsut pointin out the double standard, and it's interesting to me, that's all. Consider the millions in middle class suburbia where the DH works, and the wife is a SAHW. He walks in one day and says "I really don't feel like working" We need to sell the house or you have to find a $100,000 job. Those princesses wouldn't know what to do next. I guees despite the women's revolution, little has changed. Women have choices, men have responsibilities.

I'm a woman, a stay at home daycare mom, and I totally agree with you.

 

[Caradana]

You are right on. I am a working female with two children (and a DH)! When I 'grow up' I want to quit work. In fact, almost everyday of my life is devoted to thinking about when I can quit my job and stay home or go find some job that is more like a "hobby." Unfortunately, this is not an option for me right now as I have a house, kids, car payment, etc. But it's what I want. I'm sure my DH hates working every bit as much as I do but, to be honest, it has never figured into either of our plans that HE would quit. Now this is partially because he has the better job (not higher paying but better in regards to health insurance and pension).

So, do we women think of quitting work because of a "double standard"? Or is it just ingrained in our thinking because of those of us that do work, usually (and I say *usually*) the female has the "lesser" of the jobs?

Christine is right; there is a double standard. Most of us would burst out laughing if the husbands rolled up the driveway one night and announced that work wasn't working for them and they wanted to stay home.

I can see the temptation to become a SAHW - for sure. No pressure; total self-determination; and somehow, the days would just fill up. I've never found housecleaning too overwhelming with a full-time job, though I do live in NYC so there's no yard and we only have 600 sq ft. I think that after dozens of generations where men made many times their wives' salaries, staying at home became far more acceptable to women.

I make more than my future husband ... not a whole lot more, but more to the point where we'd feel the income hit more if I quit than if he did. That being said, I don't think either of us would quit, even after babies, as our jobs are both fairly fulfilling. I am blessed with a guy who is 29 and has owned his own house for 5 years. He considers housework to be well within his domain. He does our laundry. He makes cute fan patterns on the carpet with the vacuum. I'm sure my opinion would be different had John been a different kind of guy.

 

[helenabear]

My question to all of you SAHW's and SAHM's is this: what would you do if your DH came home one day and asked for a divorce? Could you support yourself?

I could never be happy with a man that didn't work. Just as I could never be happy not working. We keep our money separate and split our bills down the middle. We are equal partners.

And claims of scrubbing the floor on your hands & knees daily? Unless you live in a museum this doesn't ring credible to me.

Okay, first of all YES!!!! Read my posts... I supported us pretty much completely for over a year. If my DH divorced me (which is funny since that's a word we don't believe in) I could easily support myself. If I could support two with a house payment, I'm sure a solo in an apartment would be cake for me.

Yes, I was ticked and wasn't doing my best do articulate waht I do... I just blurted out and didn't think to say more than just one thing that I like to scrub in the house... with the kitchen, every few days I scrub. It's how I am. Whether it's counters or floors, I am a neat freak like that. I hate germs so between the bathroom and kitchen there is a lot I get down and do. And if you had my back problems, you'd see how quickly that would hurt. No, the kitchen isn't daily, but I'd say every other day for sure.

We used to split our finances equally, just like that... well when we both worked equal jobs we did. Then things happened and I was breadwinner. We realized that a marriage is a partnership and it was time we treated it as such. It wasn't "mine and his" it was "ours" The whole "mine/your" mentality somewhat worked, but it sure as heck never brought us together as a couple. To me splitting a bill doesn't equate to equal partners... actually based on our past it would make me wonder the level of trust for those who claim it has to be that way. At least I know it really hurt us more to do it that way than to do it how we are doing it now. Can you imagine the level of trust I have in my husband now? We were equal in your eyes due to money alone... now we are equal because we share in making the house run in my eyes. He doesn't have to do a speck of cleaning, and I don't have the stresses that nearly made me break down. We both won on that one. I also nag less, trust me, he LOVES that one. It makes us work together better as a couple... we are actually now one couple... not two separate entities.

Granted that sounds antiquated for some, or even stupid or scary. Why did people who had NO intention of giving true real life personal experiences have to come in with the replies they did for the OP. Sure didn't help, except make several here feel defensive. The OP asked for advice for those who are at home, not those who want to knock it.

I stay at home, it wasn't always my choice, especially before kids. Life happened, depression and anxiety set in. We made a choice together. We don't have kids (yet) and unless that never happens or something terrible happens to my husband, I will probably never work outside the home like that again. I spent 4 years at college and then after I graduated, I paid for my husband's tuition and other costs (including his apartment for a while)... all this was before we were married (no we didn't live together) and before he graduated (he was a 5 year program) So I know I can do it, it just isn't what I feel like I was meant to do.

I have plenty of things to keep me busy during the day. Right now I spend hours a day trying to reorganize the whole house... and with 1700 sq ft and a full basement with a garage as well, it's taking a lot of time. I'm finally down to one room and one small storage area. Not to mention the house gets *really* cleaned often. Allergies are better and I like spending 30-60 minutes a day vacuuming. I really do love it and I love coming up with all the new recipes in the kitchen I never dreamed of trying before when I worked (probably why I am messy since I am inventing new things for us to try at least once a week)

So it's a good choice for me, and honestly if *anyone* wants to try it, I say go for it. My husband wasn't happy at home and he got a "crap job" for a while as he waited for the "right one" to come along. I supported us, now he's doing the same. We found out he is much happier out of the house and I am far happier in the home.

So back to the OP, if you want it, and your DH is okay with it, try it! You might feel far more fullfilled as a SAHW (as I do) than you did in a job. And if that is the case, enjoy it, love it and don't ever feel ashamed!

 

[Ziva]

This is absolutely true... there is a double standard here.

My question to all of you SAHW's and SAHM's is this: what would you do if your DH came home one day and asked for a divorce? Could you support yourself?

Oh silly that's why you get a good lawyer. j/k

 

[kristen821]

I haven't read all the post so maybe this has been stated. I work a full time job and have 2 kids. I of course would love to stay home with them but can't due to money. If you had kids I can see staying home. Kids are definately a full time job, but without kids I would continue working. My dh broke his ankle new years day. If I didn't have this job we would be in financial trouble. He will not be able to work for at least 6 weeks. It is not worth the stress if something happened to your dh's job. Now if you had kids that would be a different story and possibly worth the risk to be able to stay home with your children. This is just my opinion.

 

[Pugdog007]

We used to split our finances equally, just like that... well when we both worked equal jobs we did. Then things happened and I was breadwinner. We realized that a marriage is a partnership and it was time we treated it as such. It wasn't "mine and his" it was "ours" The whole "mine/your" mentality somewhat worked, but it sure as heck never brought us together as a couple. To me splitting a bill doesn't equate to equal partners... actually based on our past it would make me wonder the level of trust for those who claim it has to be that way.

We don't have equal jobs... I make more than twice what he does. Therefore, a split down the middle is absolutely fair & equitable.



Seriously though, if we split tomorrow I could continue to live in this house and pay all the bills associated with no problems. Not as much disposable income, but I wouldn't struggle either.

I suspect your home is much cleaner than mine and that's ok. I have 2700 sf with 3 1/2 BA and I do not have a maid. I straighten up on weekends. I don't cook. Ever.

Good luck to you... if you're happy with your choices you shouldn't feel the need to defend it.

 

[lulubelle]

I think it is a matter of what works for your family. But women need to be careful and plan accordingly. It is factual that if your DH is the sole breadwinner, he can lose his job, become disabled or worst case scenario: divorce. Just my opinion, but in the back of my mind I have always felt I had to be able to provide for myself...just in case. I worked my whole life (I love my career and the $$ is always nice) and now that DD is grown and away at college, I am not working. My DH accepted a job in another county for a lot of $$ and we sold our house and moved. I quit my job and the thought was I could finally relax and not work, you know, live a life of leisure. Well, after a few months I was very bored. I just think that people are very different. All the SAHW's who have responded have fullfilled their lives with one thing or another, but I could not. I did not have the courage to be a volunteer or pick up a meaningful hobby - it is hard to explain, but I am inept in this area. I do keep an immaculate house but missed working terribly. It is what I know, the life I have always led. I think that is the cruix of the matter for me - subconciously return to what is comfortable. So, I have returned to work four days a week and commute over an hour each way. DH is kind of "mad" at me - he actually said "You have worked so hard for so long, raising DD and taking care of us all, I wanted you to rest and do fun things, no stress, no work, and you chose to go back to work? I don't get it?". He said one thing that was very sweet. He got warm fuzzies when I would hear his truck pull in the garage and I grab the cat and go to the door and we welcome him home with hugs and a smile. He said he never knew what that felt like and he really grooves on it. But I guess you could say I am the selfish one who wants what I want....to have a career and work. Ahhhh. I guess there is no easy answer
Please, no flames, I am just responding honestly to a debatable thread.

 

[beattyfamily]

My question to all of you SAHW's and SAHM's is this: what would you do if your DH came home one day and asked for a divorce? Could you support yourself?

So, I should have gotten daycare and not have quit my job to take care of my children myself in the off chance I 'might' someday get divorced. No thank you. I'd rather take my chances and raise my kids myself. I guess I'm just living in a dream world and a huge risk taker in your eyes. Oh well. No biggie; you make your choices and I'll make mine.

 

[cstraub]

I know alot of women like this, and it kills me! They shop, lunch, get manicures & facials, etc. All while calling themselves SAHM's. They have people to clean their house & watch their kids(me!) then on the weekends demand that their DH has to help them with the kids because they need a break! IMO it's really sad. I don't care how much money I had, I'd want to contribute something worthwhile to the world.

Just curious Sandcass......Why do you feel the strong need to contribute something to the world? Sometimes things can be said in a cliche' manner because we have heard them said over and over. I hear this one all the time and I would love to know the answer.

 

[cstraub]

This is absolutely true... there is a double standard here.

My question to all of you SAHW's and SAHM's is this: what would you do if your DH came home one day and asked for a divorce? Could you support yourself?

I could never be happy with a man that didn't work. Just as I could never be happy not working. We keep our money separate and split our bills down the middle. We are equal partners.

And claims of scrubbing the floor on your hands & knees daily? Unless you live in a museum this doesn't ring credible to me.

Men do not have the same "choices" because they have not endured the same hard road that we have. Beacause they forced us to change from "working" in the home to working outside of the home. Now many of us want to stay home and many of us want to work. There is a choice there for us and it is a double standard. I guess this is our reward for not having respect from them in the first place!

Paybacks are heck......No I'm not big believer of Karma but it sure fits!

 

[punkin]

My question to all of you SAHW's and SAHM's is this: what would you do if your DH came home one day and asked for a divorce? Could you support yourself?

My friend (who has two DSs aged 7 and 1) wants to leave her husband because he is emotionally abusive to her and the older boy. She can't. She is stuck without a job and no way to support herself. She has not worked in 7 years and refuses to even consider "leaving her baby to be raised by strangers". So she stays in the pile of manure she has created for herself. If she had a job all along (even part time) she would be empowered to leave (IMO).

I also have two children and work part time. I could not afford my lifestyle on my current salary, but I could afford to feed and clothe my children in a worst case scenario. Mariage is such a balancing act. Either partner can leave at any time (believe me I know having gone through serious marital problems with DH 2 years ago) and ultimately you can only trust yourself. OP, why put yourself in such a percarious situation if you don't have children to consider? Just get a new job...you'll feel better.