For parents who *don't* spank or hit their young children

[NY Disney fan]

I have a toddler who loves to defy my correction and my warnings. She is constantly touching other kids when I tell her not to. (like putting her whole hand on their face, and tickling them when they want to be left alone, etc.). I tell her to walk down the stairs and she jumps down, 2 steps at a time. She tells me she's sorry each time she does it, and then proceeds to continue. Now I don't believe in hitting or spanking because it just feels wrong to me. I understand why parents spank their children and I will not judge them but to me it just doesn't feel right.

How to get the message across to my toddler that I want her to behave? Secondly, if I give her a "timeout" chair how long do I let her cry it out before I hug her and make her feel better?

Thanks.

 

[happygirl]

My kids get one minute for every year of age in the bad chair,

5year-5 minutes
4 year -4 minutes

My child time doesn't start until they sit there quietly the longer they cry the longer the sit.

 

[raykay23]

Traditional rules of timeout are that you leave them for a minute per year of age- so 3 minutes if the child is three. After the time has expired you go back to them, ask them to apologise and for them to hug you.

 

[Lynn CC]

my son is 22 and we have never, not once hit him while he was growing up and he turned out to be the kindest, most gentle hearted young man that people have gravitated towards over the years.

We didn't go with the punishing, time-out approach. We showed him how to act by doing and a lot of talking. When he was 1 his first friend who was 2 years older used to come everyday to our house and he used to like to hual off and whack her whenever he felt like it. I had to show him that by saying to him look you hurt her and show him how people liked to be treated and what a good friend treated another person in a gentle, caring manner. Within a couple of weeks there was no more hitting. Sometimes they just don't know how to act, just how they want to act.
As for jumping down the stairs instead of walking, walk with her and show her how you would like her to walk down the stairs and show her how you don't want her to run down the stairs. It may take 20 times but she will understand. You can pretend to fall and hurt yourself while explaining to her that this is what happens when you don't walk.
This can be used with anything, kids like or actually LOVE the fact that another person whoever it is takes the time to show them and gives them the attention that they crave! It worked for us throughout the years of raising our son. Later on a lot of talking and reading books, articles of examples that you want to get across is a great way of sharing the more awkward issues that will come up.
This also has formed a great relationship between us with our son, he's in graduate school in Japan now but he calls once a week and he isn't afraid to let us know every detail of what's going on in his life.
I think it's great that you are starting young and not hitting your little girl makes me smile, so many parents do. I could go on and on about the subject but I will let it go here. Please try the showing and "lots of attention" approach, at times it will be exhausting but well worth it in the end.
People have asked us many times over what our parenting approach has been to raise such a well rounded, confident, responsible person and I could sit for hours talking about it but I don't want to seem like a know it all LOL

 

[Acklander]

We don't spank. They say 1 minute per age of the child but we weren't big on the time out either. Usually we'd try to keep it appropriate to the offense. If he couldn't keep his hands to himself while with other children we make him sit with us for a bit of time, because if you can't respect the personal space of others, you can't play with them. It was much more boring with us when it looked like the other kids were having fun.
Never had a problem with walking down the stairs 2 at a time (are their legs long enough to do that????) but if it bothered me, I'd probably have him go to the top and do it again until he did it properly.
I never made a big deal of it, or "punishment" so to speak, but more of a natural concequences to your actions.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Wow Lynn CC, that is a great story. Thank you for sharing and making me feel good about it. To everyone else, thank you as well. I may need the timeout chair once in a while just in case I can't my message across. Disboards is awesome!!

 

[NY Disney fan]

Never had a problem with walking down the stairs 2 at a time (are their legs long enough to do that????)

My 3 year old daughter is almost 4 feet tall. She is the biggest toddler everywhere she goes and people think she is 5 years old. I'm only 5'2 so she is, undoubtedly, going to pass me. She walks up the stairs 2 at a time.

 

[NikitaZee]

I agree wholeheartedly with Lynne CC's approach. I'm another one who spends a lot of time explaining things to my children, and it usually calms them down. I also try to use a calm voice whenever I can- that has a calming effect on the whole situation when things get crazy. The comment that your kids are getting the attention from you that they are craving is right on the money. Even if they're misbehaving, a hug from me will always calm them down. My 2 year old is in a hitting stage - I have to step in and hold his hands in mine as I'm telling him "we don't hit" - because he's still trying to hit as I'm talking to him. I find that repetition and distraction works really well at that age.

 

[TheZue]

We used a lot of time outs. Talking is great until you have a child with mediocre receptive language, or is just too busy to listen, or just doesn't have the personality for it...but try it first. And it's not like you don't talk to them during the time out.

We always followed the super nanny time out methods lol. You find a place that is their naughty spot, tell them why they are there and unemotionally as possible, then put them in time out one minute per year *so your three year old would be there three minutes. If they get up, they go back and start over...the first few times are difficult. At the end you get them to apologise and hug. We didn't use it often, but if he was really disobeying after talking to him it was helpful. By five all we had to say was "do you want a time out?" and he'd cut out whatever he was doing.

 

[mcco5543]

I also have seen/heard of people now using time out as teaching your child a "coping method" instead of using it as punishment. When he/she has trouble controlling themselves (hitting, biting etc..) and no amount of talking seems to be working.

I read of a classroom that has a "safe haven" spot. If a child can not control themselves they are welcome and encouraged to go to the safe haven spot and practice breathing and calming down until they are ready to return and behave in a better more appropriate manner. Adults take time outs naturally (usually) if you make sure your child sees you doing this, your child will start to do it to when he senses himself feeling out of control. This works best if you model it out loud for them

I.E. Wow, Mama is feeling frustrated so i'm going to go stand over here and take deep slow breathes...then go do it. Toddlers love to imitate. Good luck!

 

[tzolkin]

I've found that it all depends on the kid. Some kids will respond to certain things and others will not. (I think even people who spank realize that spanking does not get the same response from every child.)

My oldest just listened, so there really was never any thing to do. If she did something wrong, I corrected her once and that was it.

My second child was pretty much the same, but when she was under 2.5 she would often try to run off when we were out. In this situation there was no "punishment"-- I either held her hand or picked her up if she tried to yank her hand out of mine. If she could not listen, than she could not walk.

My youngest is a crier. He was very late to talk, so he would scream and cry instead of communicating that there was something he wanted or needed. He speaks very well now, but still often cries even before he asks for something. If he's doing something wrong and starts crying/screaming there really is no reasoning/talking to him because he simply isn't listening. He is the only one we have ever used time-out with. He really goes into time out so he can calm down and talk. The first few times were very rough. He kicked and screamed and would not stay there. We don't have a set amount of time, but if you let them get out while they're still throwing a fit they will assume that they got their way because they were having a tantrum. Now he goes willingly, calms himself down, reflects on what he did wrong for a minute or so, and tells me that he's ready to change his behavior.

 

[NikitaZee]

I love hearing about others who do not spank - and have well-behaved children who listen to them. Threads like this make me feel good as a parent, and happy for other kids whose parents choose gentler methods of discipline.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I have the ability to speak in such a mean voice, I could always scare the pants off any kid. I put on a face that matches the mean voice, and they don't dare defy me.

I swear, it's a gift! When we go to a party at someone's house and the kids act up, people look for me to go straighten them out.

 

[kristilew]

Since you mentioned steps, I assume you have them in your home. Here is a time out to try:

Each step is worth so many minutes of time out. (2 for a 2 year old).

Time out begins on the bottom step, and lasts for th alloted time, as long as the child is compliant - no crying, arguing, or gettting off the step.

At the first sign of noncompliance, the child earns another step, also worth the set number of minutes. Time served quietly on that step earns her going back to the original step, to serve the orginal sentence. Difficulty on the second step earns her a third step. Rinse, repeat.

This sometime requires you to physically hold them on the step, especially the first few times until she knows you mean business. But eventualy, you should only have to assign one or two extra steps before she will stop squirming or talking, and just want to get it over with.

It's best to choose the day you want to implement your time out program, and set it aside to get nothing else done. This is one of those dicipline hills it's worth dying on, imho. If you cave even once, all the kid learns is how long it takes to make mommy lose it.

Good luck!

 

[kristilew]

I have the ability to speak in such a mean voice, I could always scare the pants off any kid. I put on a face that matches the mean voice, and they don't dare defy me.

I swear, it's a gift! When we go to a party at someone's house and the kids act up, people look for me to go straighten them out.

Me too. At Food and Wine Festival this year, a family with 4 kids cut in one of the food lines, then ignored the kids while they acted horribly, including reaching into the soda bin and grabbing ice to fling everywhere. The parents kept moving ahead in line while the kids stayed in that general area causing havoc...until I spoke up "Ill-behaved children, go to your parents and stand still. Now." When they obeyed without question, the whole line cheered.

It's a joke in my house that I have no idea what will happen at "3" b/c counting 1, then 2 scares the bejeesus out of DD and I never have to get to 3.

 

[shortbun]

First, pick your battles. The stairs thing is annoying but she enjoys your attention for it-positive or negative so breathe and don't react. Second, natural consequences worked best for us. If she's not honoring the boundaries of her playmates, remove her from the situation completely and finally for that day. You could actually insist on carrying her down the steps like a baby until she does it correctly. If you stick to your guns with natural consequences, she'll get pretty quickly that you aren't cutting her any slack and she'll amend her behavior accordingly. There are books on natural consequences and it's great life training. If you annoy an employer, they don't hit you-they remove you by firing you or suspending you. Nowhere in life are there physical consequences for adult bad behavior-unless it's prison or jail. Drive too fast or while intoxicated-lose your license to drive...turn in a paper late in college -lose a letter grade...treat your friends badly= lose your friends. Natural consequences are wonderful and they work.

I will admit to having counted to "3" a few times. I never made it to 3 either, lol! I have no idea what would have happened if I had. I suppose I would have picked him up and carried him to a safe place and left him OR gone to a safe place myself because counting only happened the few times I was really mad!!

 

[aprilgail2]

It's a joke in my house that I have no idea what will happen at "3" b/c counting 1, then 2 scares the bejeesus out of DD and I never have to get to 3.

LOL--that is STILL my problem- that was the only thing I ever needed to do was start to count, as a toddler once I hit 2 she would correct whatever it was she was doing and now as a 10 year old it STILL works!! I NEVER hit, spanked, whacked etc...I started to count and that was it...she has asked what happens if I hit three and I just say "You don't EVER want to find out" LOL...and that has always been enough!

 

[bumbershoot]

First, pick your battles. The stairs thing is annoying but she enjoys your attention for it-positive or negative so breathe and don't react. Second, natural consequences worked best for us. If she's not honoring the boundaries of her playmates, remove her from the situation completely and finally for that day. You could actually insist on carrying her down the steps like a baby until she does it correctly. If you stick to your guns with natural consequences, she'll get pretty quickly that you aren't cutting her any slack and she'll amend her behavior accordingly.

I agree! If the stair thing is just bugging you, you might want to just change your attitude. If you're scared of her falling but she never has, walk so she would bump into you, instead of fall all the way down, if she fell. If she has fallen, talk about doing stairs safely and stick with the rules.

But don't change your attitude even once, not without HUGE amounts of explanation (as long as she's old enough to really understand that, and since she's a toddler I doubt she's old enough), because letting her do it every so often is a great way to teach her that she gets to do it.

As for touching faces etc...that means her time with the other kids is over.

So glad you're not (and this sounds funny so bear with me, LOL) touching her in an inappropriate way (hitting) in order to teach her not to touch inappropriately!

LOL--that is STILL my problem- that was the only thing I ever needed to do was start to count, as a toddler once I hit 2 she would correct whatever it was she was doing and now as a 10 year old it STILL works!! I NEVER hit, spanked, whacked etc...I started to count and that was it...she has asked what happens if I hit three and I just say "You don't EVER want to find out" LOL...and that has always been enough!

Wow. People with kids like that are so lucky! DS would ask me what would happen, and would purposely let me get to 3 just to find out.

 

[Pixiedust34]

We've never spanked because we don't believe in it. I agree that time-outs should match in minutes the age of the child if you are using time-outs.

I think that the most important things in discipline are following through with what you say you will do and being consistent.

We try to use natural consequences or loss of computer/phone/TV (our kids are older) as a discipline tool. Our kids aren't perfect, but overall they are well behaved and natural consequences/loss of privileges works for our family.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

I'm guessing that jumping down the stairs is fun, and she likes the attention she gets from you when she jumps as well.

I would take her back to the top of the stairs, saying "We don't jump down stairs, we walk down them, like this" and walk down with her next to you...do not give her the opportunity to jump, hold her hands or arms if you have to. IF she struggles, have her sit on the step, repeat what you said, and use LOTS of positive reinforcement and praise! ("Big kids walk down the stairs, are you a big kid? Are you ready to walk down like a big girl? Let me see you do it!" with BIG praises at the end if she does it!). If she's not ready to follow directions, just pick her up and walk down the stairs, don't react to her whining. Next time you come to stairs, start with "Big girls walk down stairs..." again. Eventually, she will realize that if she does not walk, you will pick her up every time and she will not like it...so she will get it, I bet!