For parents of more than 2 -- a ?

[lizardqueen]

When your third or fourth child came along, how did it affect you? Was it a big shock as far as every day life or did they just kind of fit right into your same old routine (with a few minor changes of course)? DH and I became fost/adopt parents last October. Middle of Oct. DS (6 wks at the time) came to us and then in late Nov. DD (2 at the time) came to us. Now their bio mom is about to give birth and their new brother will be coming to stay with us. Their case is in it's last hour and it is seeming more and more like we will be able to adopt them, which then leads to their other brother that is in a different foster home -- he just turned 2 last week. If at all possible, we would like to keep the siblings together. The thought of us having 3 of them while the 4th spends his life in another home, not knowing his siblings is killing me. And while I realize that this would be a MAJOR adjustment in many areas of our lives, I still want them to all be together.

So can any of you moms (or dads) out there who have more than 2 children give me your experiences of having a larger family. What is difficult? What have you found helpful in any way?

Thanks.

 

[OKWMom]

I don't really have any good advice, but I will tell you what my husband says to people who have two and are contemplating having a third. "We love them all and wouldn't trade any of them, but your parenting style will have to change. We had to go from a man-to-man to a zone defense (basketball reference if you aren't a fan) and it just isn't always as effective."

Best wishes on your growing family. If you want to make it work, you will. There is always a way.

 

[schlepsnort]

It's a change but not an overwhelming one. I've noticed that the third child just kind of goes with the flow since our 4 yr old is starting to become active in pre-school we are doing a lot more.
It's true about changing your zone defenses though! The kids do try to divide and conquer but if you have well established rules with definite consequences and expectations that do not vary it all works out in the end. You will be more tired, but to me it's a satisfied tired.
If you can keep a family together then bless your heart and I"m sure you will have plenty of help!
We initially were totally convinced that after our 3rd child that would be it, no more kids and I had a tubal. I'm now regretting that decision. But there is always adoption!
It's not totally easy but it's doable and wonderful!
Not sure if this is 'advice' as much as a testimonial. Sorry!

 

[isla bonita]

It is wonderful for all of you and it sure can be done. We have 3 ourselves. It works for us.

 

[nicolemomof4cuties]

You will be fine! I also have 4 young children spaced very closely together. They are 7, 5, 4, and 2. Really we just stick to a routine and have rules that we really enforce. It takes alot of consistancy. As the bible says "let your no mean no and your yes mean yes". We also do not allow sibling fighting. If that happens both children must go to bed and think about their hurtful actions. We also stress to the children how lucky that they are to have friends that live with them and always have someone to play with. All of our children get along. My 7 year old swears that the reason hes 2 year old little brother was born was because he prayed so hard for a little brother. He treats his little brother like gold! Actually all of the older children spoil DS2.
nicole

 

[shadle8]

We have six kids. Three are biological and three adopted. I didn't notice a huge change with 4, but the fifth one was when I noticed my time was being stretched. Adding the 6th was nothing.
Be sure that it is the right thing to bring all the siblings together. It seems like the right thing to do, but in our situation it wasn't. They didn't like each other and there were numerous problems. We have kept in contact with their siblings and the mother in one childs case. That has been ideal. They still have connections with out the stress of the closer relationship. Maybe in littler ones that isn't so much of an issue. Ours were 7, 9 and 6 when they were adopted (None of them are biologically related). Hope this helps.

 

[safetymom]

I have 3 children and didn't have any problems adjusting from 2 to 3 kids.

 

[skoi]

We will definitely be praying for you in this decision making process, and for your kids. We have two bio kids, and just adopted 7 1/2 months ago) and toddler girl. We're in the paperwork stage for adoption #2- hopefully a late pre-school aged boy. I'm a stay at home, homeschooling mother who's returning to school herself, so the last few months have been an adjustment. We found our biggest challenge has been the large gap in age between former youngest (ds 8) and new youngest (dd just turned 2). This was the biggest challenged. I think if dd had been older the switch to three would have been easier. I can't offer anymore advice than has been given-- just keep the rules clear and enforce them regularly.

What's strange is that I grew up in a neighborhood where most families had at least 3, but tended to 4 or 5+ kids each. Now, three is the tipping point for a large family. How times change.

Your attempt to keep these siblings together is a great effort on your part, BTW.

Julie

 

[TENIA66]

i wish you the best whatever you choose, but i have three and i will tell you that the change from two to three was dramatic......one child seems is always left out.......when you're crossing the street and you hold hands which child do you not hold their hand??....i found that i went from a life of balance to a life of chaos...i think every individual has their limits and mine was two kids....i love my baby and would not have it any other way.....but just jump into it eyes wide open....my kids are: dd 12, ds 6, and ds 1

 

[3littleHalls]

Best wishes in your decision. I am sure you will make the right decision for your family. We have been blessed with three beautiful children. They are 3 different personalities, and 3 different energies. It was no change whatsoever to everyday stuff like bedtimes, mealtimes, the basic stuff. It was more work when it comes to laundry, cleaning up toys, running errands. I make sure that I do one indiviual activity with each child as much as possible.

 

[va32h]

I have three, and the transition was hard, still is hard - but that has a lot to do with the number of years between them.

My kids are 10, 6, and 2. Afterschool activities for the older ones are hard to handle with the toddler. She gets bored and acts like a 2 yo, as you can imagine!

I have to wake her up to take the older ones to school, and often end up waking her up at naptime to go pick them up.

Things that would be fun for one child are boring for the others, and vice versa. Even at WDW!

I do feel that I never have enough personal time with each of them. It's very hard to get one-on-one time with the older two, especially. And I worry that my oldest doesn't get enough mommy- ing, because the younger ones take up so much more of my time.

 

[glass slipper girl]

i wish you the best whatever you choose, but i have three and i will tell you that the change from two to three was dramatic......one child seems is always left out.......when you're crossing the street and you hold hands which child do you not hold their hand??....i found that i went from a life of balance to a life of chaos...i think every individual has their limits and mine was two kids....i love my baby and would not have it any other way.....but just jump into it eyes wide open....my kids are: dd 12, ds 6, and ds 1

OK, picture me sitting here 7 months pregnant with baby #3 with my fingers in my ears singing "LALALALALAL I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!! LALALALALALA!!!!"

It seems we are either told that the transition from 1 to 2 is harder than 2 to 3 or we are told that going from 2 to 3 is a HUGE shock. Since this baby was a surprise and we agreed when we got married that an unplanned pregnancy would not result in an unloved or unwanted child, there is no turning back now so we blindly choose to believe option 1...that we are already busy and that going from 1 to 2 was more than double the work so we are going to cross our fingers really tight and hope for a smooth trasnsition.

Our older boys will be 6 and 4 1/2 when baby is born. They are THRILLED to be having a baby...but are thinking he sounds more and more borning when they say "he'll be able to play with a rattle when he comes out?" and we say "no...he has to learn how to do that." then "but he can laugh, right?" and they hear "no, not right away, that will take a few months too."

Bottom line for us is no matter how hard or how easy it is, we'll get it done. We don't really have a choice, right? And it will be worth it in the end (or so I keep telling myself as I have the discussion about who wrote their name in 12 inch high letters with a highlighter on the bedroom wall and envision starting this all over again!).

To the OP, good luck to you! I hope you are able to go through with the adoption soon!

 

[TENIA66]

OK, picture me sitting here 7 months pregnant with baby #3 with my fingers in my ears singing "LALALALALAL I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!! LALALALALALA!!!!"

It seems we are either told that the transition from 1 to 2 is harder than 2 to 3 or we are told that going from 2 to 3 is a HUGE shock. Since this baby was a surprise and we agreed when we got married that an unplanned pregnancy would not result in an unloved or unwanted child, there is no turning back now so we blindly choose to believe option 1...that we are already busy and that going from 1 to 2 was more than double the work so we are going to cross our fingers really tight and hope for a smooth trasnsition.

Our older boys will be 6 and 4 1/2 when baby is born. They are THRILLED to be having a baby...but are thinking he sounds more and more borning when they say "he'll be able to play with a rattle when he comes out?" and we say "no...he has to learn how to do that." then "but he can laugh, right?" and they hear "no, not right away, that will take a few months too."

Bottom line for us is no matter how hard or how easy it is, we'll get it done. We don't really have a choice, right? And it will be worth it in the end (or so I keep telling myself as I have the discussion about who wrote their name in 12 inch high letters with a highlighter on the bedroom wall and envision starting this all over again!).

To the OP, good luck to you! I hope you are able to go through with the adoption soon!

i didn't mean to spook anyone, just wanted to let you all know what a transition it is...by the way, number three was an oops for us to, he's actually called boo boo.......we love them love them love them and i wish you all the best....

by the way, there is now one more to blame on the highlighter, breaking off the ceiling fan with a bag of kittens or whatever they dream up....syngergy you know...............

 

[pigget74]

For us it was not that hard, but my other two were 11 and 8 when he was born. Can you say, wow-anitbiotics, sex, and BC pills do not mix-- and I am sooooo glad they don't. So in September I will have a 12, 9, and 1 year old. I guess the hardest thing for us is one is going through puberty and one is crawling . Serioulsy, for us ours have always adjusted to our schedules. WE have specific rules our older ones must follow and have routines that we try to go by. Good luck and God bless you for doing what you are doing.

 

[seven dwarfs]

My family is not normal but I will share anyway. We have ds 6, dd 6, ds 4, ds 4, dd 4, dd 2. For us it is alot. But, we love it. Our life is so great. The kids are wonderful. I will say I have to be strict with them in order to survive. Everyone watches us everywhere we go. Sometimes it is a pain but we are used to it now. Everything you will do takes longer from cleaning, landrey, brushing teeth, shopping I could go on forever. But for us we would not have it any other way. Even Disney is a little hard for us but it is all good. It is a lifestyle of survival. You do whatcha gotta do to get it done. If you have any questions I would try to help answer them for you.

I think it is great what you are doing. And though it is a major undertaking, I believe God will bless you for this.

PS: the post that states let your yes be yes and your no be no....This is the best thing I could say!

 

[lovesdumbo]

I'm one of those who says for me it was much harder to go from 1 to 2 than 2 to 3. They are now 7,5 and 3 and things are crazy but great.

Things will be crazy for you with infant, 1 year old, 2 year old and 3 year old but I'm sure you'll struggle through. How wonderful that all the siblings will be together. Will there continue to be more every year?

 

[PA Princess]

We have 4 children...ds 11, ds 10, dd6, and dd1.

Ds was adopted and three months later we discovered I was pregnant - wow! The boys are 1 year and 1 day apart...and those first few years they kept us hopping! Then we had dd, and that was an adjustment. However, since the boys were so close in age and did so many things together, it really was not as big of an adjustment as it could have been. Even the division between us as parents seemed smooth...dad had 2 bigger boys and mom had baby or vice versa. The one with the boys just did 2 of everything or one big something...if that makes sense.

Then surprise, surprise, surprise...dd #2 is born! Wow, now we truly have to go in at least three directions since there is such an age gap between the girls. That has been a challenge...sometimes a fun challenge, sometimes a hard challenge, but always something we have been able to manage and you will also I think having the kids close in age will help...yes, they will be needy since they are so young, but you can still group them together more easily.

I think the biggest thing I have learned being the mom of 4 is just how not in control I am, and I am one who likes control But no matter my plans, no matter my preparation, something will almost always go awry. This comes with children and when you multiply them by 4 it just seems to happen exponentially. But, I have sure learned to laugh and laugh hard at the antics of life and children. It truly is the most amazing and humbling adventure.

Please let us know what happens with your family. It sure sounds like you have your heart already invested in that last little guy

 

[Mommy2Lots]

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[SILLYANDI]

We have 4 and they are pretty close together- 8,6,5, & 2. The biggest change for me was between #1 & #2. Kids #3 & #4 just sorta snuck in without being noticed (and because they are #3 &#4 they are very easy going, have no problems sharing and always happy)! It's always a nice break for me to only have 1 or 2 with me at a time because it's less work, quieter, etc, but it's really not bad with all 4 (just really NOISY). I think my kids are more easy going than singles or kids from 2 kid families. My kids understand compromise, they are very caring towards each other and there is NEVER a dull moment! My two oldest cried when they started school-not for fear of school-but because they wanted to stay home with mom & dad where its more fun! A neighbor told me the other day that her daughter begs to come to our house because there is always someone to play with (she's an only child).
We often have 8+ kids in our house (neighbors, cousins, etc) and I think it is much easier when they are all over because they entertain each other and keep each other busy. (The food bill is another matter)
I say go with your heart, you have very valid reasons for what you are doing and those kids are lucky to have someone who is caring enough to consider taking on such a task. God doesn't give you more than you can handle! You'll do great!


Andrea

 

[kellyg403]

I have 6 bio children and DH has 4 bio, 2 that live with us. We are down to 6 children in the house...dd 18, dd15, dd14, dd13, ds12 and ds 10. At one point we had 9 children in the house at once.

That being said, the most difficult transition for me was between 3 and 4 children. I felt like I had difficulty spacing my time out between them. Then as each older child went to school, there was more time for the younger ones. I will admit that I gave up certain things like a less cluttered house, and perfect furniture etc. Sometimes, I look around me and wonder if anyone is going to visit anytime soon! But, the time I spend with the kids is more important. Sure I could clean 24 hours a day but we go to the library or the beach instead. Or take a road trip for the weekend. Or laying in bed on Saturday morning with 5 children reading books or watching a show or sitting around the dinner table having lengthy conversations about woman's rights as my teenage daughters see them, or football or basketball or religion or world news. Dinner time at my house sometimes lasts for 3 hours because of heated debates. I wouldn't trade anything I have or don't have for those times. Except maybe the knowledge that there will ALWAYS be TP in the bathroom when I go in!

OP...at first the transition will be hard no matter the number but you sound like you want the best for the children and your family. Being a family sometimes is just not sweating the small stuff, the numbers don't matter! My prayers for you and your family as you walk this road together!

Kelly