? For Dance Moms re: jealousy from other parents

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Okay, I have a situation that's bugging me, probably more than it should. As I've mentioned on previous threads, DD9 is in our local dance program. We live in a rural district, so the teacher comes to the school to teach the classes (after school hours, but at school and sponsored by the PTSA). The teacher is wonderful, and it's a good program, especially is you're looking for a less competitive atmosphere. DD has been dancing since age 3 and loves it. I would not say she's naturally talented or particularly graceful, but she works really hard, practices on her own--she even was in dance class an hour after the dentist yanked out two teeth! Just very dedicated.

Anyway, this year's recital is in June, and it's rapidly turning into "The DD Show". Not by my choice, the teacher keeps singling her out. She has solos in ballet and tap, does some special moves in jazz (including being carried by several other dancers for the finale). She's in the finale as well as the select opening number. In all, 6 appearances on stage, with a lot of face time. Naturally, I'm proud, she's worked hard for this. But there are some other moms who are going to be majorly PO'd when they realize she's being singled out. Not everyone, but there are a few who think it should be THEIR daughter in the spotlight. I know this problem has been around pretty much since dance class began, but I was wondering how people deal with it. I had never thought about it prior to this, since I look at my DD and think she's adorable, but just an average dancer. (This may be my own blindness--dancing's not my thing, clearly the teacher is seeing something!)

Anyway, I'm really just looking for advice on how to handle this. My DD is NOT the type to grab the spotlight, nor am I, and as the recital gets closer, I'll be getting more nervous about this. I know how catty these things can get, and I'm really looking for things that I can say that would be polite to respond to the problems I know I'm going to face. Thanks in advance for any thoughts and ideas--I know there are moms on this thread that have dealt with similar things, and there has to be a tactful way to deal with it.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

Unfortunately this is the world of dance! My dd no longer dances and I was actually thrilled when she decided not to do it anymore. The competition and cattiness among the mothers was horrible. In your situation, does your dd excel in dance over the other girls? If she is at the same skill level as most of the others, then I might see where the other parents might be raising their eyebrows. How about talking with the teacher about it? In my experience it does seem to be an awful lot of "face" time, but then again she may be very talented and the teacher would like to showcase that. Good luck!

 

[Serena]

First I'd talk with the teacher. Ask her is she sees something that you don't. Ask her why she seemed to have singled her out for more "face" time and dances than the other girls?
It's probably a case of your daughter just being able to capture the attention of the people watching. Her personality, her animation. It could be the teacher sees her potential and wants to bring it out.

It's not just about how well she dances, but how she comes across to the audience.

I don't have any advice to what to say to anyone negative. Other than tell them if they have any complaints to take it to the teacher.


congrats to your daughter, and to you.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I agree with ChrisnSteph, if your DD is obviously more talented than the other dancer's, than she deserves to be in the spotlight. But, if it is a case of the teacher just playing favorites, than I would probably talk with the teacher, and see if she could spread the wealth a little more.

There is a difference between a kid who is a favorite and a kid who is at the top. Kind of like in the game of baseball. There you have a kid who is the coach's son, who gets picked for everything, regardless of his talent, and then you have the kid who can REALLY play ball. MY DS had one of these kids on his team. He was a star player, even at the age of 8. So, when the ballots were handed out at the end of the season (the coach decided the parents would choose what kids get trophy's) this kid was picked for MVP hands down. There was no other choice. IMO. Maybe some parents were jealous at all the attention this kid got over their kids, but I was not one of them. He was a great player, and I could only wish my son had that talent.

If I were a parent of one of the dancer's in your DD's class, I might get my nose bent a little if I found one child had more solo number's than any other child. I thought a dance recital was to showcase all the dancer's? Maybe you should have a chat with the teacher and find out why your DD is being singled out. It is nice that you have a talented DD, that is great. But I don't know if I would want her to be ostricisized over something she has no control over.

 

[poohtown]

If I were a parent of one of the dancer's in your DD's class, I might get my nose bent a little if I found one child had more solo number's than any other child. I thought a dance recital was to showcase all the dancer's? Maybe you should have a chat with the teacher and find out why your DD is being singled out. It is nice that you have a talented DD, that is great. But I don't know if I would want her to be ostricisized over something she has no control over.

I got to agree with this statement. My daughter doesn't dance, but she does do cheerleading and band. I think of both as team appearances. I expect to see solos during each performance but not the same kid every time. This isn't to say your daughter doesn't deserve it, but I'm sure some of the kids who haven't taken dance as long as your daughter are trying their best too and could use some recognization.

 

[Sleepy]

As the mother of a dancing son at many levels, I have to say this sounds like a case of favoritism. This is not pre-pro level where the kids are chosen parts based on ability. This is just a recreational level where the kids dance on stage once a year to show what they have learned in class since Sept. Singling out a child under these circumstances is wrong unless the class is so small, that they decided to prolong the program by giving solo or duet parts. I do not even agree with placing the better, more talented students in the front when it is a recreational level. Everyone deserves to be out in front and everyone deserves to be seen. If your daughter is truly talented, she should be in another program greared toward her ability.......where you can have a child out in front and in solos for a real reason other than favoritism and you don't have to worry about the cattiness of the other mothers (you learn to let it roll off your back). I deal with a different sort of attitude. Boys in dance are hard to come by. Because my son is usually the only one in the entire school, he has no choice but to be in most everything with a leading role (he is striclty ballet). Pre pro levels get even more catty. You deal with scholarships. Since there are less males, schools use scholarships to entice the boys to their school. For girls, scholarships are only for those truly talented. However, when going to a top school, scholarships for boys are truly for the best of the best, but girls still feel like boys only get scholarships sinply because they are boys and not because they deserve them. I would have a talk with the teacher. Nobody should be in the "spotlight" on this level and at their age. Welcome to the world of dance. It only gets better.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Thanks for your replies. I don't think it's an issue of the teacher playing favorites, beyond what was said about certain kids just looking better. This wasn't an issue at all last year, but she did let DD (and one other third grader) move to the 4-6th grade class. Then DD didn't have any solos, nor did I expect her to--it was a harder class, I considered it a "learning year". Also, the teacher's assistant had told me a couple weeks ago about how she can't keep her eyes off DD when she's tapping, she's just so fun to watch. So, it may be more of a "charisma" issue, as well as she tries real hard. Perhaps I can't see it because I'm her mom and would watch her anyway. And other moms have told me that DD is really good, but frankly, I had always interpreted that as just being kind. Hey, maybe the problem is me!

It's kind of funny, because I put her in this program initially because I wanted to avoid the kind of cut-throat behavior you sometimes see, which can get real ugly.

Disneyfan2002, I know exactly what you're saying about the coach's kid--we had the exact same thing in soccer, where the coach's son was talented, head and shoulders above the other kids. He was a good kid, and Dad was a great coach. There actually were nasty complaints because the entire team was "too good" and "won too much". This was in grades 1-2! The dad worked hard at teaching everyone, everyone got a chance to play, but his son was a real star. The dad refused to coach after that season--hated the politics.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Sleepy, how do you deal with stuff from the other mothers? Especailly if there are scholarships involved. I know around here, dance schools are so desperate for boys that they go for free, just to dance pas de deux with the girls. And I would imagine your son must be very driven to choose a field that is so physically demanding as well as unpopular. Do people assume you "push" or force him? How do you handle it?

Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable sending my daughter to a more elite school (unless she begged and was willing to give up some other activities). Dance is so competitive and physically grueling. I like this teacher because she gives every child a chance, and even girls who don't have the classic dancer's build and girls who aren't graceful get to participate. But because the teacher takes everyone, you get a wide range of talent levels--it's a trade-off.

 

[Sleepy]

Sleepy, how do you deal with stuff from the other mothers? Especailly if there are scholarships involved. I know around here, dance schools are so desperate for boys that they go for free, just to dance pas de deux with the girls.

I don't have too much problem with the other moms. Usually in cases of scholarships, the better schools prefer you do not let it be known who gets a scholarship.....in the case of boys, some schools advertise free classes for boys as is the case with the Orlando Ballet. Again, getting boys to dance is diffcult, so the word needs to get out there for free classes. We have never been near a school that offered free classes, but after several years with one school, he was offered half tuition scholarship. (non-profit small school)

And I would imagine your son must be very driven to choose a field that is so physically demanding as well as unpopular. Do people assume you "push" or force him? How do you handle it?

Yes, he is very driven. Nobody has ever assumed I push him. However, they do ask what made him want to start at such a young age. He was 7. I had no idea. He saw it on tv while watching alone. Came to me sometime later and asked to take classes. I discouraged it and put it off for several months. When he turned 8, I finally got tired of the begging, so I enrolled him in a trial class. The school wanted me to enroll him in tap instead to keep him from burning out on ballet at such a young age. He protested. He is now 13 and finishing up year 5....in a foreign country. People in the dance world understand and accept boys in ballet. People outside the ballet world who live in America do not accept boys in ballet. In Italy it is encouraged and total strangers smile and pat my son on the back for such a wonderful endeavor. He loves taking classes here.

Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable sending my daughter to a more elite school (unless she begged and was willing to give up some other activities). Dance is so competitive and physically grueling.

To be honest, it is not a matter of how WE feel as parents, but what the child wants. Only a driven child is able to handle the schedule. My son is in classes 5 days a week and once a month takes 6 days a week. Between regular school and ballet, he has no time for anything else. (some days a week he runs home from the bus stop to have time for changing clothes and getting to his class). He has sacrificed alot........basics like skateboarding, etc.......because an injury is devestating and can ruin a career. Unfortunately, if a determined and extremely talented child has any hopes of making a career of dance, he/she must go to the elite schools. Proper training is key. You can see where I live. I used to live in Virginia. My son has an audition in June with the Teatro di San Carlo. Hopefully he is good enough to be accepted. As a parent of a dancer, we all make sacrifices. Many families have moved for better training just as we have.

I like this teacher because she gives every child a chance, and even girls who don't have the classic dancer's build and girls who aren't graceful get to participate. But because the teacher takes everyone, you get a wide range of talent levels--it's a trade-off.

This is what is called recreational classes. People take them because they are having fun. It is ok to be talented and start off with these classes, but I know in the world of ballet, a very talented girl of 10 should be well past this sort of school. You have time. Don't sweat the big stuff. Allow your daughter time to enjoy what she is doing. She is still young, but remember that if in the future, she wants more, you have to be prepared....both emotionally, physically and financially. If you have any more questions, please PM me. I can direct you to some good websites.

Editing to add that I have no idea how this quote stuff works and I am sorry if it looks confusing.

 

[Karibeth19]

The competitiveness of dance moms exists no matter what type of school you are in. When I was growing up, I was trained in a strictly classical Ballet school that did not have recitals, nor did we participate in dance competitions. The mothers were not allowed to watch class, except on visitors' day, which happened twice a year. My Mom said some of the other moms could be catty and horrible at times, talking about the abilites of some of the girls compared to their own daughters. Now, my DD is in the same type of school, and even though the other moms are great for the most part, there have been a few obnoxious ones. The point is, you will probably encounter this type of ugliness no matter where you are; you just rise above it and not worry what the other moms think. As long as your DD is enjoying herself, that's all that matters!

 

[ncgolfer]

This thread is hilarious!

 

[missypie]

Interesting that you should post this. Yesterday was our church children's choir musical. They give the solos/special parts to the 6th graders. Our DD got one of the two largest roles.

DH and I were talking about how two girls who had smaller roles actually had stronger singing voices than our DD. But our kids are always favored for stuff like that at church. Do you know why? They are dependable - always there, never miss practice. Always on time; never a no-show. They are always prepared - always know their lines or their singing part. We are willing to work with them, so they can throw a solo their way on short notice and they know our kids will learn it.

Is that favoritism, or is that the teacher/director trying to make her life as easy as possible, or is it a smart casting decision? I don't quite know. It's interesting to be on this side of it. My family moved around as a kid, so I was never the "known quantity." I was always the outsider who had to prove myself. Now my kids are the insiders.

 

[missypie]

The competitiveness of dance moms exists no matter what type of school you are in. When I was growing up, I was trained in a strictly classical Ballet school that did not have recitals, nor did we participate in dance competitions. The mothers were not allowed to watch class, except on visitors' day, which happened twice a year. My Mom said some of the other moms could be catty and horrible at times, talking about the abilites of some of the girls compared to their own daughters. Now, my DD is in the same type of school, and even though the other moms are great for the most part, there have been a few obnoxious ones. The point is, you will probably encounter this type of ugliness no matter where you are; you just rise above it and not worry what the other moms think. As long as your DD is enjoying herself, that's all that matters!

What IS it about dance that attracts those kind of moms and girls? My kids have ben involved in so many activites, but the dance moms and girls can be the worst. Last year our studio was trying to be very selective at the audition process and actually cut girls who had been in company for years. So the junior company went from about 16 girls to 12. But the girls who had been in the company the year before were so mean to the new girls that a lot of them quit, so now they've got about 7 girls and don't win very many competions. Gymnastics isn't like that, and those girls are truly competing against their team mates at meets.

 

[cristbaby]

I think the majority of the posters here are right about approaching the teacher. My daughter owns her own dance school and believes that all the children should have a fair chance at being on stage. Occasionally she sees an outstanding student but even then she doesn't give this child a solo part. She observes not just the talent but the dedication and also her presentation on stage. There must be a strong desire to succeed in order for my daughter to advance a student in the dance world. Maybe you're right, the teacher might see something that she feels is worth acknowledging in your daughter but you should talk to the teacher to find out what is behind it. Don't short-sell your daughter either. If the talent is there, go for it and learn to shrug off the nasty remarks of jealous parents. Good luck!

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Yeah, I'll have to talk to the teacher, but with the recital a few weeks away, it's pretty much "set" for now. But I do think it's less about talent than a child who is easy and dependable. I asked my DD if she was interested in going to a different instructor, and she was adamant that she stay put, so I don't see this as being anything like a career pursuit for her. I think she's got maybe average talent, but has been doing this for years, shows up on time and prepared, and is willing to work.

Still looking for thoughts on what to do/say for the few other mothers who I know are going to be upset. Not all of them, to be sure--most of us are in this for the same thing, fun and exercise for our kids. But there are a coupel who I just know are going to be snotty because their little Snooky isn't getting center stage. I suppose I'll just grin and say nothing, but under the "backstage stress", I can just see me responding with something I really shouldn't say!

 

[jajuan]

I don't have time to read all of the posts...but I want to say that your DD seems to deserve this. If she puts her heart and soul into this, good for her. A job well done.