Following Saddam’s Lead, Osama Gives U.s. His Exact Location

[fklhou]

FOLLOWING SADDAM’S LEAD, OSAMA GIVES U.S. HIS EXACT LOCATION


Trend of Global Niceness Gathers Steam as Eminem Bakes Pie for Moby

Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein’s offer to readmit U.N. weapons inspectors with no conditions has sparked a trend of “global niceness,” experts say, and has inspired Osama bin Laden to inform the U.S. of his precise location.

Bin Laden, who divulged his whereabouts late last night, also sent along a helpful Mapquest.com map indicating places to eat and convenient lodging near his once-secret hiding place.

“There’s only one word for what bin Laden did,” said Dr. Arnold Cuthbert of the University of Minnesota, who has been tracking the surprising new trend. “And that's 'nice.'”

Elsewhere, the corrosive rapper Eminem attempted to make amends for profane comments he had made about the electronic musician Moby, going so far as to bake Moby a blueberry pie.

“Blueberry’s his favorite,” said Eminem, who was on his way to help former foe Tipper Gore make potholders for an upcoming charity auction.

Seemingly unmoved by the new trend, however, Vice-President Dick Cheney made his most sarcastic speech to date last night, calling those who were persuaded by these recent gestures of niceness “suckers, patsies and rubes.”

“If you have really bought this bill of goods from Saddam, Osama and Eminem, I’d like to have some of that weed you’ve been smoking, because it must be awesome,” Mr. Cheney said.

The University of Minnesota’s Cuthbert, however, took issue with Mr. Cheney’s remark.

“That wasn’t a very nice thing to say,” Dr. Cuthbert said.


****Borowitz Reports***