FMIL Not Supporting WDW Wedding

[AKL_Megs]

I just experienced my first bout of sadness, anger and guilt over the whole "destination wedding" thing. FMIL stopped my FH's apartment while I was there, and we got to talking about wedding plans. I told her mine, that I want a Disney World wedding most days, but some days I want nothing. She told me that it "would be better to have a wedding here at home because that way you don't have to force people to pay for a vacation." Now I'm sad and angry that she doesn't support my plan, and a little guilty to have to have people pay for airfare, hotel, and whatever else they might need to see us get married. I think FMIL doesn't want to pay, mostly, and it's her own son... not to mention she is MORE than able to pay her way!

I wouldn't care if it were just my parents there (which it is going to be - we don't associate with our extended family), and at this moment, I don't think I would even mind if FMIL was there. FH understands that not everyone in his family will be able to come. FMIL is the only one who seems really, really concerned with that fact.

Has anyone else been faced with this situation? What do you say? How do you handle it?

 

[Rustyflwr3]

Sorry you have to deal with this situation with your FMIL. Of course, I dont know the entire conversation that the two of you had, but it didn't seem (from what you said) that she didn't "support" your plans. It just sounds like she was saying that the wedding would be more convenient for her and some others if the wedding wasn't a destination wedding. If you were going to be inviting people only from the local area, then yes, of course a wedding at home would be "better"..better in the sense that no one would have to travel or what your FMIL says, pay for a vacation. However, if a lot of your guests would be traveling anyways, then they would, in essence, be "paying for a vacation" to your town. You could try and tell her that.

Also, people really don't have to make a "vacation" out of a disney wedding. You could fly in the day of the wedding or night before, attend and leave the same day or the next day.

Certainly don't feel guilty. Especially if she is the only one who seems concerned. People will come to your wedding and will be happy to attend. It is an excuse to make a vacation out of it..if, of course, they want to (not because they have to)

 

[JJClemson]

You and your DF have to do what makes you happy. DF and I live in SC, his family is from OHbut his parents just relocated to SC, and mine is from NJ. We were originially going to have the wedding in my home town in NJ, but my FMIL threw a hissy fit b/c she did not want her family to have to travel She insisted we get married in SC b/c that's where we live now (we're moving to Atlanta in December, so this made no sense). I got really upset and hurt by her words, and I felt very guilty for making her family travel to the wedding. I got so upset that I cancelled my NJ wedding, and DF and I were going to elope.

DF saw how unhappy I was, and he suggested a Disney wedding b/c he knows how much I love WDW I was hesitant at first, but DF stressed how important it is that we have our dream wedding. We are now having a Disney wedding w/ just close friends and family, we will have a reception in NJ, and one in SC.

I wish I did not let my FMIL get to me. She does not approve of our Disney wedding either, and I do not care at this point. I know it's really hard, but try not to let her get to you. You and your DF need to have the type of wedding that makes you two happy. Do not worry about pleasing everyone else. Good luck, I hope it all works out

 

[jmmastra]

I went through the same thing. At first my own mother was telling me that some of my family would not be able to go and that I should have it at home. Then my DF's brother in law (of all people) called me to tell to move my wedding date because it was during peak season and too expensive for his side of the family to attend (I did change the date...but it was to save me money...not him!). And I have also felt "guilty" because I was "making" people go to Florida (From CT and RI). After much discussion about what my DF and I wanted my mother finally accepted the WDW wedding and is now extremely excited. But I had to get over the guilty part. And I have. I gave people over a years notice and I decided that if people wanted to come they would figure out a way to get there. And if they really could not afford it then they could come to the reception we are having 2 weeks later at home. I thought about it this way..if DF and I moved to FL like we were going to people would be traveling for the wedding there anyway! Do not feel guilty. This is a once in a lifetime event. Do what makes you happy.

 

[jojoandhb]

I'm always amazed at how people react to other's wedding plans. It's definitely hard. You don't want to hurt anyone, and yet you want the wedding of your dreams. You want to enjoy your day and not feel guilty. There are so many ways to compromise. You could have your small Disney wedding and then a vow renewal and or reception back home. Or, you could just do Disney. Give everybody plenty of notice. If they want to come, they will. People who can't afford it will be happy to see you when you get back and look at wedding pictures. Sit down with your fiance, make sure you are 100% together on you rplans and present a united front when talking to people. There are plenty of ways to afford Disney on a smaller budget. Plus, they have a year to save. If they put $10 a week aside for 1 year, it'll pay for a really nice Disney vacation.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

my mother isn't too thrilled about my wedding choice either(she isn't thrilled with me in general lol). sorry you're going through this, i know it really sucks and it makes you feel horrible.

but just remember it's your day and you only get it once(if you do it right the first time lol) so do whatever you want. it's YOUR wedding, no one else's

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

Your FMIL's concerns are exactly why my boyfriend and I in our talks about getting married someday automatically rule out Disney World, even though it would be our dream. My mom and his parents would be extremely angry with us, and it's just not fair... we're thinking about doing a small private vow renewal someday, but it ssmes like there is no winning with some people!!

 

[JandJ]

I can never get over how many posts like this there are on this board. I feel bad for everyone who is going through this I just have to say I know I am truly lucky that the people who mattered most to my DH and I loved the idea of a Disney Intimate Wedding. My parents and in-laws thought it was fabulous and the only people who didn't like it, aunts and uncles and cousins, I didn't ever want at my wedding anyway! DH's grandparents were disappointed but we made a decision early not to invite grandparents as we only could fit 8 guests and none of them are very healthy to travel. They got over it really quickly when we brought them pictures and spent an entire day with them after our honeymoon. I think what also made a big difference was every guest lives in Florida, so there wasn't more than a 2 & 1/2 hour car ride to get to our wedding - and even more than that - we paid for everything ourselves, so we weren't asking our parents to fund our Disney wedding.
Good luck to everyone who is meeting obstacles. I hope you get your dream wedding, wherever it is

 

[Gradar1]

Yick, I'm sorry to hear about your FMIL problems--but if you and your DF just want parents there anyway, hopefully, it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Let us know how it works out!

 

[ahutton]

I was there too! When I was asked by my then FsMIL about our plans I said we were going to WDW "next month" to take a look at FTW. She got very huffy and said if we did "something like that" that none of DH's family would attend. I dropped the subject and lost a lot of sleep. Then DH and I took our trip, and he wanted to do the FTW. So we did. And she came, with his Dad. And his Mom and Sisters came too. sMIL doesn't look too happy to be there in a few of the photos, but we had the wedding we wanted, and have never regretted it.

They though we should find a nice, small church at home to get married in and then have a pot luck reception just like she did when she married DH's father. We didn't want to do that, and didn't let any responses to our plans pull us away from it was how WE wanted to celebrate the start of our married life.

 

[AKL_Megs]

They though we should find a nice, small church at home to get married in and then have a pot luck reception just like she did when she married DH's father. We didn't want to do that, and didn't let any responses to our plans pull us away from it was how WE wanted to celebrate the start of our married life.

This is funny, because FMIL wants us to ALSO do EXACTLY what she did when she married her late husband... have a small wedding at a resort on the beach in, get this, FLORIDA!!! So it's okay to make a trip of it if it's going to be fun for her. But not if she has to be miserable at WDW.

Too funny.

 

[Tink-n-Belle]

Anyone having a destination wedding---whether it be in Aruba, Disney or on a cruise-- will have to live with the fact that some people will not be HAPPY with your decision. But its YOUR wedding and you should have it where you want it.

Even if you got married in your hometown some guest still won't be able to go. I got married in October and 20 guest had the flu or their kids were sick that day, one of my best friend just had a baby the week before, others couldn't give up their vacation (just because they always go that week and going the week before or after was out of the question), and others had to work etc etc.....

The thing is, if you do something to please others, think how angry you will be if they can't come to the wedding. Think of how angry you will be when special Aunt & Uncle so & so won't come to your wedding because they will be on a cruise and they won't cancel it. Or your best friend can't come because her DH relatives are getting married the same day out of town. Etc, Etc.

Please don't feel guilty about doing what you want. If you decide to have a DFTW you will have to live with the fact some people won't be able to go. But that is nothing compared to how bad you'd feel if you didn't get your DREAM wedding. Once the wedding is over, no one is going to remember it like you and you spouse will so Don't settle: Just like Mickey says in Fantasmic "HEY, This is MY DREAM".

I want my DD's to get married at Disney when they grow up (but I won't force them LOL) and know that most people won't be able to attend, but what matters most is the memories of your wedding. I was watching our weddding the other day and even though it was an awesome wedding, it was a very traditional one. After going to 30 tradition weddings you long for a unique one and a DFTW is definitely unique. I for one would love to get invited to a Disney wedding-on the other hand, a wedding in Aruba would definitely be passed up.

WELCOME to the World of IN-LAWS. My MIL told me to go you know what after I helped get her out of a $7,000 debt and now wonders why I don't talk to her? DH & I have been married for 15 years and its pretty sad to have such a fool for a MIL. She acts like she is 15 years old and has never Gotten it... When we were getting married she didn't even ask 1 question about the wedding and was sooooo nervous that she had to walk down the aisle, then when we bought our house, not one offer to help us move or clean it or put up curtains, etc and she was on 47 at the time. Then we had two DD's and she said after the 2nd one was born (after I had the 1st 6 weeks premature and the 2nd one I was on bedrest for)--when are you going to try for the boy!!! I told my father in law that my boys would carry on the name (they all had girls)..... Totally clueless!!

Good luck with your planning!!

 

[Steph11787]

I am SO happy that my mom is as excited about a DFTW as I am. FH's family on the other side...not so much. "They don't want to fly" But, the other day I was going through the mail and found a letter addressed to both myself and FH, it was from his g-ma and it said "Gramps was wondering if a Disney World wedding dosen't meet your approval Patrick for the wedding. Maybe try Branson."I was so mad. So I am still trying to think of a nice way to tell her that because my parents are paying every penny of the wedding, she really dosen't have a say in what happens.

 

[princessdisneybelle]

sorry to hear about your FMIL problems. At least your FMIL is supportive of the marriage. Mine thinks that we should wait. I have to go next week to talk to her for the first time and hopefully she will give in

 

[AKL_Megs]

Thanks everyone for all of the supportive words! I know I have to do what I WANT to do, and not what will make the others happy. Besides, the fewer people there, the more we can make the money stretch, and the more fun we can have!!! I know that those who are closest will do whatever it takes to make it to our wedding, even if it is at the North Pole!!! I appreciate everyone here! Thanks for understanding!!!

And Tink-n-Belle... THIS is my new personal quote...

Just like Mickey says in Fantasmic "HEY, This is MY DREAM".

 

[kimnkel]

Man, oh, man.

It really is amazing how many posts like this there are.

All I can say is that people that would know, such as priests and event planners, will tell you weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people. Jealousy, grief, old unsresolved issues, family skeletons--they all come out of the closet, much too often.

There is a happy medium between self-absorbed bridezilla and must-please-everyone-door-mat. Many times, the events surrounding the marriage ceremony are the first step (or test) of the bride's independence, problem solving skills, and emotional maturity. For some of us, it is when we find out the older generation is actually lagging the curve, and is about two decades behind us. Sad, but true.

Yes, we want to try to remember others' needs--after all we are, among other things, hosting a party-- and good hosts think of their guests comfort and enjoyment-- but this is a different sort of "party" because it is also our wedding, and therefore our desires should be given at least equal consideration. Yeah, it would be nice if other people could support our desires, but how many people are that giving? Precious few, unfortunately.

And as far as the where and the when and trying to please everyone on that front; pppfffttt. (Branson??!! Ack!)

It is impossible to make the permanently pi$$ed off happy. In fact, why should you try? They enjoy the misery and drama so much!

Take control, and take the lead. Tell them where, and when--and let the chips fall where they may. They are called "wedding invitations" and not "wedding permission slips" for a reason--and remember--invitations may always be declined--they are not orders; so if someone can not attend for financial or other reasons, then don't. Our job is to say, "Oh, so sorry--you will be missed" and then move on.

Good luck, and

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

Man, oh, man.

It really is amazing how many posts like this there are.

All I can say is that people that would know, such as priests and event planners, will tell you weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people. Jealousy, grief, old unsresolved issues, family skeletons--they all come out of the closet, much too often.

There is a happy medium between self-absorbed bridezilla and must-please-everyone-door-mat. Many times, the events surrounding the marriage ceremony are the first step (or test) of the bride's independence, problem solving skills, and emotional maturity. For some of us, it is when we find out the older generation is actually lagging the curve, and is about two decades behind us. Sad, but true.

Yes, we want to try to remember others' needs--after all we are, among other things, hosting a party-- and good hosts think of their guests comfort and enjoyment-- but this is a different sort of "party" because it is also our wedding, and therefore our desires should be given at least equal consideration. Yeah, it would be nice if other people could support our desires, but how many people are that giving? Precious few, unfortunately.

And as far as the where and the when and trying to please everyone on that front; pppfffttt. (Branson??!! Ack!)

It is impossible to make the permanently pi$$ed off happy. In fact, why should you try? They enjoy the misery and drama so much!

Take control, and take the lead. Tell them where, and when--and let the chips fall where they may. They are called "wedding invitations" and not "wedding permission slips" for a reason--and remember--invitations may always be declined--they are not orders; so if someone can not attend for financial or other reasons, then don't. Our job is to say, "Oh, so sorry--you will be missed" and then move on.

Good luck, and

i've noticed that weddings bring out the worst in people lately. my mother and my sister are just so angry about my FTW that we've gotten into so many arguments about it. i don't understand why they wouldn't want to be happy for me.

my mother is one of those "permantly pi$$ed off" people. she's angry 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. no matter what you do, you will never make her happy. i'm beginning to not even bother with involving her in anything.

 

[cantwait!]

It is important to have a day that reflects you and your hubby to be. A day that you will both remember for the rest of your lives! His mom should remember that she had her day....and that is something everyone should respect....this is YOUR day.

We are having our wedding in Hawaii (I grew up there). My mom still lives there, my dad and that entire side of the family is in Boston, my DF's family is in Oklahoma and we have friends and family all over the U.S. When we made that decision we knew a lot of people wouldn't be able to come...but those who said yes were going to be the ones who would have gone ANYWHERE to be with us on that day. Those who couldn't make it because of no vacation time or too expensive....we know their hearts are with us and feel their support. Those who are complaining...I don't want to see their sour puss faces on our big day anyway! So, the moral.....this is your day. All that matters is that folks put on their game faces and make this a wonderful day for you both AND that you two enjoy every second.

If there are people you really want there...you may looking into finding ways to help them come. We are also having a cake and champagne reception back home in California when we return for those who could not attend the Hawaii reception....maybe you could do something like that. I wish you the best of luck. Don't let people spoil this amazing time for you! You are a bride...and this is your time to create a perfect and beautiful day!!!!

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

I agree whole heartedly that in the end you have to do what makes you happy. I went back and forth on this board trying to decide what was best for everyone, but in the end you can never make everyone happy. If it is your dream to get married at WDW and some people can't come, then so be it, I'm sure many of the people on these boards have went through similar situations so can offer sound advice.

It is really hard to disappoint family and friends, I know that was my problem. I hated having to explain why I wanted things a certain way, it sounds selfish to some, but you only get one Wedding Day, and it should reflect you and your fiance as a couple, something you can look back on and have no regrets about. Look in your heart and you will find the answer. I know how difficult it is for you, but know you will find a way through this. Let us know how you get on.

Summer

 

[pintradingwedding]

personally, i think most weddings are a big bore.

but a disney wedding is more like a vacation!!!

it's a lot more fun for the people who WANT to go to your wedding. and it lets other people who don't really want to go off the hook! because of course you can't EXPECT people to go to your destination wedding. it's a big time and money commitment so i won't be hurt if no one shows up!

the only thing is my sister doesn't have a lot of money. and of course i want her to be at my wedding, so i'm paying for her airfare and hotel.

i think as long as your immediate family can afford to go, and you give people enough time to plan and save money for the trip, and you don't EXEPCT or DEMAND that people go, then you're doing the right thing.

i bet yours will be the best, most fun wedding your guests have ever been to