Flaky Bridesmaid, should I be mad?

[figmentcookie]

I've been thinking a lot about this for a week and I'm not really sure how I should feel about this. Can you please give me your opinions on this?

Let me relate my situation to you. I got engaged April 2008. I asked one of my friends to be my MOH in late May last year, then my BM in June. We're having our escape wedding in October. We have only invited seven people.

My BM has been soooo excited to go, every second I've talked to her about it. She started saving up money to go to the wedding since her first paycheck after I asked her, and planned to stay a week with MOH since she has never been there before. She is very supportive, excited to hear about everything regarding the wedding, and is just lovely to have around with all of this.

My MOH was excited at first to go, especially because it was on her list of "Places to see before you die." After she broke up with her boyfriend (of 1 month) in November, I couldn't mention the fact that I was having a wedding or the fact that my DF even existed (even in DF and I went and got pizza the other night), without her turning the conversation around about how she was single, would be alone forever, and it wasn't fair that I was younger and getting married first. She would talk about it for at least 15 minutes after I, or BM, said anything. I really try hard to be sensitive about all of this with my single friends (I remember what it's like to think you're never going to meet anyone), so, I stopped talking about either my DF or the wedding in front of her.

I let my MOH and BM pick out the bridesmaid dresses they wanted, because I wanted them to be happy. My mother very nicely bout the dresses they wanted for them ($200 each). My MOH perked up once she started dating some other guys and I could mention the wedding again to her without her turning it around to be all about her.

BM wants to share a room with her, but MOH won't commit to anything. So, last Thursday she informed me in front of a group of 5 people at a happy hour last week, MOH said she signed up for a conference a few weeks ago... that starts on my wedding day... in South Africa! She said, yeah, it would look good on her resume if she did it, but she's been so successful with other things, she really doesn't need it to be on her resume. So, she informed me in front of a group of 5 people at a happy hour last week. She won't find out until June 20 if she can go to the wedding, over a year after she said she would go.

Even if she can go to the wedding, she might leave early to go to the conference, and will leave BM by herself for a week. MOH is encouraging BM to get the reservations for herself, and she will take care of it later. MOH doesn't seem to care about anyone but herself.

So, BM and MOH are the only two non-family people we invited to the wedding. We have a lot of upset friends and family members that we just can't invite. Do I have the absolute right to be mad with MOH or should I be more forgiving? Do I have to wait until June 20?? I might find to find someone to replace her, I think I will have problems finding someone close to me that will both A. fit into her dress and B. be able to get off of work in a short amount of time. Plus, even if she does find the time to grace my presence and make it to the wedding, she is planning on standing up BM who has been just wonderful since the get-go? I'm sure I would lose her as a friend... but as Rosie (the Disney flower woman) said earlier to me today would it be better if she didn't end up going? I'm at a total loss, please tell me what you would do in this situation

 

[DecemberBride]

I'd talk to her about it and let her know your exact feelings. If she still is iffy and non-committal I'd tell her that because your her friend you'll wait until June 20th, but you're not happy about it. Maybe if she sees how it's affecting you she'll make it a priority. If south Africa isn't important for her resume than she's mentioning for other reasons and it sounds to me like jealousy. She might just be testing your patience. Approach and have a good talk... If you feel like she still doesn't want to make it a priority... then keep BM and have a blast. If BM is uncomfortable staying alone... maybe she can bring a friend that comes up the day after the wedding...

all suggestions, but thought I could lend a shoulder. It's hard... I know!

 

[Ember]

Weddings have a way of bringing out the stupid in people. I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

Before I mention her lack of commitment, something else you mentioned bothers me a little. You need to remember that no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. Your friends and family love and you want you to be happy, but I don't think it's fair to be mad at someone for not wanting to hear about your plans. Even your maid of honor. Brides don't realize how much they talk about their weddings, even when they think they're trying to not bring it up that often. I love my best friend more then life itself but I was about ready to dis-own her when she was getting married! So I would cut your friend some slack about this part.

As to the lack of commitment, that would bother me. Especially as you bought her dress already. Can it possibly be returned? I think you need to sit down with her and discuss this as soon as you can get her alone. Tell her that being a part of your wedding isn't a "show up if you want" kind of deal. That she needs to either decide she's coming, or she isn't. And if she's still on the fence then tell her you're very sorry, but you need someone who's willing to be there for you. Don't get into the conference, or your opinions about her needing to attend it. Really, the conference has nothing to do with anything, it's just an excuse. Focus on what you need from her and how her lack of commitment hurts you. That's what I would do, anyway.

Please let us know how you decide to handle this and what happens.

 

[OceanGdss]

Well, I'm going to throw my 2 cents in here. I had a similar issue with my ex-MOH. The day after DF and I were engaged (last May) my BFF at the time said she wanted to be my MOH (i never really asked..but it was ok). I said yes. She was all excited. At the time however, she was dating a good guy friend of mine and their lives were all happy. Fast forward to Jan of this year, they break up, she is heartbroken, I try to be there for her, and on top of that she moves over an hour away and we both have crazy schedules. Since Jan she NEVER wanted to be involved in anything. She would offer, but then would cancel at the last minute. She never came this way to see me, spend time with me, etc. If I called her, it would take her a week or two to call me back, AND if she called me and it took more than a day to call her back she would get witchy with me. So finally, after some blatant displays of dis-friendship on her behalf, I asked her to step down from the wedding. Turns out, she was going to drop out ANYWAYS!! She was planning to move out of state the DAY OF OUR WEDDING!! ugh...

So anyways, in the end, my opinion is follow your heart. If you feel as though this is going to be a stress, then talk to her and maybe you will find she is looking for an 'out'. Let us know what happens. In the end, its your day...do what you know will be the best decision...not only for your wedding, but for your future.

 

[Goldeelox9]

I disagree with Ember....She is your best friend, your maid of honor and she should be willing to talk aboutyour wedding 24/7 of you want. This is the one time in life it gets to be aboutyou! I would bump BM up to MOH and tell MOH that she is downgraded to BM because of her commitment issues. I would be nice and understanding, but I wouldn't just let her off the hook. My BFF who is not my MOH (My sister is) is so excited for me she wants to talk about my wedding daily. She brings it up most days. I think that it isn't fair you MOH isn't 100% behind you!

 

[Ember]

I disagree with Ember....She is your best friend, your maid of honor and she should be willing to talk about your wedding 24/7

I respect your right to disagree.

I've been both the bride, and the best friend of the bride. (My best friend got married 2 months after me.) I didn't expect people to talk about my wedding. I was quite tight lipped unless someone asked directly. That's why I loved boards like this so much, it was a forum of people going through the same thing who didn't mind talking about it. I'm still getting compliments on what a relaxed bride I was, and a large part of that was that I didn't insist on attention from people.

I maintain that it's unreasonable to expect anyone to be interested in the same topic for months on end. Part of a friend is being involved in your friends life and interests. When all you talk about is yourself, you aren't being a friend. As I said, I almost ended a 15 year friendship when my best friend became so self absorbed that I couldn't stand answering her calls or being around her. Being a bride is not a one way ticket to the world revolving around you for a year.

 

[PrincessAngie30]

I say it's okay to tell her your feeling like maybe it's better not to strain your friendship if you asked your BM to take the role of MOH so that you can let your BFF do whatever she wants. If I think she loves you as much as she claims, she may say no, I want to be there for you. AWWWW. If she seems relieved and not mad that you would consider her put her aspirations ahead of her promises, maybe she isn't the MOH for you, but you'll still have your BFF. Be understanding either way if your friendship is above all.If she wants to drag you out and string you along, she can kiss your (expletive) and she is more involved with herself than friendship.

 

[DecemberBride]

Being a bride is not a one way ticket to the world revolving around you for a year.

But whhhhyyyy nooooot... pretty please. I like it! Jk, I totally know what you mean!

 

[Tabetha]

I think what Ember says makes a lot of sense.

Before you start doing anything drastic, why not talk to your friend and get the straight goods? She probably brought it up in front of a lot of people to avoid a confrontation, so having a calm talk with her about what she wants to do is a good path to take. Her priority may not be your wedding, her priority may be this amazing opportunity in South Africa. Try to see it from her point of view, and be a friend to her if she feels that going to the conference is important.

If you can't wait till June to hear whether or not she can come to your wedding, then tell her. Tell her that her plans affect other people, and that if she needs to bow out, you understand... give her the chance to step down rather than just "cutting" her.

 

[Goldeelox9]

I guess it has a lot to do with the friend (and the wedding). My BFF is as excited as I am about my Disney Wedding. We talk about it non stop, but my sister (my MOH) and I only talk about it once a week or so (she isn't a disney lover like BFF and me)! I have been the MOH two times (my sister and my BFF) and I threw myself into both or thier weddings full force!

I think you need a good heart to heart with you MOH.

 

[Goldeelox9]

BTW Ember.....I love the pics in your Signature and even right clicked on the last one as an inspiration!

 

[twiu]

Let me put my two cents in.

I agree and disagree with a lot of the opinions here. My biggest thing though is that being asked to be MOH or any part of the bridal party is a HUGE honor. If she said yes, she should be proud. Very proud. The fact that she's not big into talking about it and such, that's fine. People are different. But, the fact that she's completely saying "maybe" about her commitment to show up is just plain rude. She made a commitment to be there for you on your big day, that should be her only priority. Resume Shmesumey! I would never every even look at a conference if I already was in someone's wedding party. And, if it was seriously like the most important conference ever, I would approach the bride, explain the situation, and say "I love you but unfortunately, I have to do this". That's just me. But if I were you, I'd ask her to step down.

You can borrow my wedding party. The all rock! But then again, I'm such a chill bride, I don't really talk about it much. And none of them live near me so I can't blame them for not being too involved.

 

[figmentcookie]

I really appreciate all of your support and advice and virtual hugs and shoulders. When you're very close to a matter like this, it's hard to see things clearly and without bias.

I will need to talk to her and have a heart to heart... and I think based on all of your suggestions I will have all of what I need to say to her... both points and counterpoints. I think the hardest thing to say will be "Hey, we need to talk about this." My biggest concern is that she will think I'm unreasonable for looking for a commitment from her to actually go. That's something I can work out though.

And in the worst case scenerio, if she is looking for a way out (which I hadn't considered before, OceanGdss), then I guess having a short conversation would clear it up.

I will let you know how it goes!

Thanks again everybody.

I didn't expect people to talk about my wedding. I was quite tight lipped unless someone asked directly. That's why I loved boards like this so much, it was a forum of people going through the same thing who didn't mind talking about it.

I agree with you about this completely Ember. I've been around the people that just talk about their wedding for, like you said, a whole year and it's really annoying. I realize that people, except for my own mother, won't care in the nitty gritty details of all of this, so I just let them be. MOH doesn't ask, so I don't say anything about it so she doesn't get upset. I do talk about going to WDW with her... maybe she's all Disney-ed out, and that's a point for introspection

I'd talk to her about it and let her know your exact feelings. If she still is iffy and non-committal I'd tell her that because your her friend you'll wait until June 20th, but you're not happy about it. Maybe if she sees how it's affecting you she'll make it a priority. If south Africa isn't important for her resume than she's mentioning for other reasons and it sounds to me like jealousy. She might just be testing your patience. Approach and have a good talk... If you feel like she still doesn't want to make it a priority... then keep BM and have a blast. If BM is uncomfortable staying alone... maybe she can bring a friend that comes up the day after the wedding...

all suggestions, but thought I could lend a shoulder. It's hard... I know!

You can borrow my wedding party. The all rock! But then again, I'm such a chill bride, I don't really talk about it much. And none of them live near me so I can't blame them for not being too involved.

Can I have your MOH email then?? That sounds like the easiest solution

 

[hope1826]

I too both agree and disagree with some of the other opinions...

My two cents...
If she were my MOH, I would tell her VERY kindly that she is relieved of the burden of being part of one of the most important days of my life.
She really doesn't sound like she wants to be there.

Two stories...
1. Years ago, when my cousin/bridesmaid got married, she asked me to be her MOH only a month before her wedding. It also happened to be a week after my ex-fiance broke off our 2 year engagement (5 year relationship) without explanation and amidst rumors of him cheating.

I was hurt and being part of someone else's wedding was the absolute last thing I wanted. But I loved my cousin and I knew that her wedding had NOTHING to do with what was going on in my life and that she should NOT be punished by default. So I was her MOH and never made her feel guilty for being the one to get married. At the same time, she was very sensitive about what I was going through and she did not constantly discuss her wedding with me, beyond my comfort level.

Fast forward to May 5, 2008, despite being in the midst of a year long nasty divorce, she happily and gracefully stood as my bridesmaid. And throughout the planning process I included her only as much as she felt comfortable. I didn't throw my wedding in her face.

2. Another friend/bridesmaid was devastated by her divorce last year. I asked her to be my bridesmaid only 5 months after her divorce (after seeking advice on the disboards), and told her that I understood if she couldn't do it and if she had to back out later, but that I would just need her to be honest about her feeling throughout.

She eagerly accepted and told me that she wasn't going to allow the situation with her ex-husband to hurt our friendship or make her miss the opportunity to share my happiness with me. I was very tight lipped about my wedding, with her especially, but SHE actually started constantly asking questions about the wedding. She begged to go shopping with me for wedding stuff and actually ended up being the best and most supportive of 4 wonderful bridesmaids!

This may be harsh, but if your MOH was my "friend" I would seriously re-evaluate our friendship. I believe that a true friend would do everything in their power to be supportive during good times AND bad times (hers and yours). If she were a true friend I think she would understand that just as much as the world does NOT revolve around you as a bride-to-be, it doesn't revolve around her either.

Again, more harsh, but honest words...I don't think she is being a good friend. Your "friend" seems too self centered and immature to be a a real friend and I think you MAY have a better wedding without having to worry about her.

GOod luck with whatever you decide to do.

Nikki

 

[hope1826]

Let me put my two cents in.

I agree and disagree with a lot of the opinions here. My biggest thing though is that being asked to be MOH or any part of the bridal party is a HUGE honor. If she said yes, she should be proud. Very proud. The fact that she's not big into talking about it and such, that's fine. People are different. But, the fact that she's completely saying "maybe" about her commitment to show up is just plain rude. She made a commitment to be there for you on your big day, that should be her only priority. Resume Shmesumey! I would never every even look at a conference if I already was in someone's wedding party. And, if it was seriously like the most important conference ever, I would approach the bride, explain the situation, and say "I love you but unfortunately, I have to do this". That's just me. But if I were you, I'd ask her to step down.

You can borrow my wedding party. The all rock! But then again, I'm such a chill bride, I don't really talk about it much. And none of them live near me so I can't blame them for not being too involved.

Beautifully said!

 

[Goldeelox9]

Nikki I agree with you. Just two months after finding out my ex fiancee was a HORRIBLE person I was the MOH in my Bff's wedding. I was a bit sad inside, but I was there for her 110%. I would have regreted it otherwise.

 

[hope1826]

Nikki I agree with you. Just two months after finding out my ex fiancee was a HORRIBLE person I was the MOH in my Bff's wedding. I was a bit sad inside, but I was there for her 110%. I would have regreted it otherwise.

Exactly!! I was sad inside too, but I realized that my pain would pass and that I would have been a fool if I had let that jerk make me miss supporting my cousin. And it made me feel so honored that she wanted me to share her happiness with her.

And now look, despite our sadness (over horrible people) at the time, I married my prince last week and you are just a few months away from marrying your prince.

Life goes on!

 

[mickeyluv'r]

I more or less had something very similar happen to me, execpt that my BM was already married. She had to travel some distance to get to our wedding, so I expressly said she did not have to give any gifts or anything. I paid the deposit on her dress. Then she told me she would be able to come after all, as she'd signed up for a conference then. UGH!

I was in a pinch, and asked my sister's best friend to be in our wedding party.

It wasn't what I planned, but she was extrememly gracious, we had the dress slightly altered to fit her (she was more slender). She had a great time at our wedding! My sister was my MoH, so maybe that helped.

The best part - she caught the bouquet. A young boy caught the garter, so it was really cute when he put it on her leg. They both did a great job!

A few years later, my friend apologized. Honestly, I will always be disappointed in her a little for skipping out on us. I forgive her though, and our circle of friends includes her husband, so it's not possible to be friends with just him.

Incidentally, last year they canceled out on a visit to our house. They waited until the last minute to book airfare and decided it was "more than they could afford." Yeah, right.

I'm not so inclined to be strong friends with her anymore. These kinds of friends don't change. On the other hand, I was close friends with most of my wedding party before the wedding. After the wedding, life changes, and it's harder for everyone to keep in touch.

If you can find someone else to take her place - a cousin perhaps - maybe you can find someone who is even more thrilled to go to WDW for a week.
My wedding wasn't in Florida, but my sister's friend still had a truly great time at our wedding. Later, she asked my sister to be her MoH! I think it worked out better to have someone there who wanted to be there than to have someone who didn't.

 

[LvTinkerbell]

Okay after reading all of the posts I decided to give my two cents as well. I am getting married in August 2008 to my prince charming and had a bm just back out on me. It was unexpected and left me with a situation of finding another bridesmaid or dropping one of the groomsmen.

After much deliberation I decided to ask my sister-in-law to step in even after my bm told me that she was still considering going. I do believe the thing that bothered me most was that she told me she was backing out in an email not in person or over the phone. The email had numerous reasons almost excuses why she couldn't be there for me and I was hurt. She should have just called me and said I can't make it not writing me an email with so many reasons.

She still doesn't know that I replaced her and I am not sure I am going to tell her but all of you are right it is my day and not as important to her as it is to me. Now my entire family is involved in my wedding and that makes me happy. Although we are not getting married at WDW it will truly be a great celebration followed by our WDW honeymoon at the Poly.

All I can say is it sucks and I feel your pain but it will be her loss not to be there to celebrate one of the biggest days of your life.
Congrats on your wedding and dance like nobody is watching life is too short to worry over the spilled milk right!!

 

[theantibride]

I think the message she is sending is 'I don't want to do this." I mean, that's what it sounds like. Now her reasons may be petty and immature, but that doesn't mean you have to be. Sit her down and politely explain that you need to know if she's on board now so you can continue planning. Say you understand if she doesn't or can't be in it, but you really need a decision now. I'm thinking if you let her wait until June even after that it's going to be a constant flip-flopping of "I'm in - I'm out." If she seems to want out ask her if she wants to do a little reading or something if she doesn't go to South Africa. Just be really sweet and gentle about and although I'm sure your feelings are hurt keep calm. Especially if she backs out. You might be tempted to cry but don't cause she'll see it as if you're tryingt o guilt her into that and it will get uglier. Bawl your eyes out to your mum. That's what they're there for. Good luck and I'll be thinking about you!