First trip need advice on rest room etiquette for DS

[pbrim]

While this actually happened in a Female Restroom, an 8 year old girl was murdered in Australia in a shopping centre bathroom. It was in the middle of the day, on a weekend in a very busy centre. It happened in under 10 minutes. She was molested and murdered. We can say that it doesn't happen often (thank god!) but it DOES happen.

Well, it seems that if you are adamant about safety at any cost, your only choice is to keep your kids in diapers until they're 18 and never let them go into public restrooms at all. Your own constantly repeated example shows that using the women's room is not guaranteed absolutely safe, and your fears tell you neither is the men's room, so what choices have you left yourself? Probably the best is to not take them to WDW at all, in fact they should never leave the house at all.

There are no guarantees in life, but you do you child no service to teach them to live in fear. You take reasonable precautions, you take the probablities into account and plan accordingly, and you hope a lot. But you can't obsess endlessly about keeping them absolutly safe because they never will be. And you don't have the right to intrude on everyone around you, and make their lives uncomfortable in your chase after an illusion.

BTW, if you do need to change your 16 yo son's diapers, there are facilities to do so at the aid stations. Some people don't have the choice of raising independent children, you do.

 

[Magpie]

Thank you for clarifying and yes, you got the gist of it. As for if my situation belongs here, consider this: my son is a typical everyday kid. Nothing particularly weak looking about him. I don't know why he got targeted but he did. He could be ANYONE'S child. ANY time could be that ONE time. Why risk it at all?

Yes MOST boys are fine on their own. MOST men are dads or uncles themselves and are not to be feared. But I'd always err on the side of caution, especially after our ordeal. And knowing what to do in that or any emergency situation and actually doing it are two different things. My son knew the touch was wrong and knew to cry out. He was scared though and his cry was not loud. Other kids have clammed up due to fear. It happens and pretending otherwise is ignorant.

But unfortunately, your son is not a typical, everyday kid. Your son has special needs now, and you parent him differently because of it.

Suppose something terrible had happened to your son in school, rather than in a bathroom? It would be just as understandable if you swore off ever allowing your son to attend class without you by his side. It might even be necessary, for your son's peace of mind and yours. But, I don't think you'd argue that EVERY parent should be accompanying their second graders to school and sitting in class with them, right? You wouldn't consider them neglectful or ignorant parents, and you wouldn't think of yourself as a superior parent. You'd simply expect that most children your son's age could cope with attending school on their own.

You and your son are, as sad as it may be, exceptional. In normal circumstances, when taken to extremes, trying to "err on the side of caution" can even be psychologically damaging to a young person. That's why I don't think your case is relevant to this thread. Your parenting style is the result of early trauma, and can't be applied to other families. Otherwise, we'd see lines of pre-teen boys lined up at the sink in every women's washroom.

I do hope you will ask your son's psychologist about this issue! It's been three years since the incident and you don't seem hopeful that your son will ever recover. That's something you need to discuss with him.

 

[Dani784]

But unfortunately, your son is not a typical, everyday kid. Your son has special needs now, and you parent him differently because of it.

Suppose something terrible had happened to your son in school, rather than in a bathroom? It would be just as understandable if you swore off ever allowing your son to attend class without you by his side. It might even be necessary, for your son's peace of mind and yours. But, I don't think you'd argue that EVERY parent should be accompanying their second graders to school and sitting in class with them, right? You wouldn't consider them neglectful or ignorant parents, and you wouldn't think of yourself as a superior parent. You'd simply expect that most children your son's age could cope with attending school on their own.

You and your son are, as sad as it may be, exceptional. In normal circumstances, when taken to extremes, trying to "err on the side of caution" can even be psychologically damaging to a young person.

I do hope you will ask your son's psychologist about this issue! It's been three years since the incident and you don't seem hopeful that your son will ever recover. That's something you need to discuss with him.

Ok I know I said I was done but you seem to be under the impression that a sexual assault is something you can "recover" from or get over. I assure you that it is not. Yes, you can learn to deal and you can go on with your life but you never ever get over it. The memory and fear is always there. I was raped when I was 22. That's almost 8 years ago. I'm still afraid to drink too much because it happened when I was drunk. (My son was a baby. I didn't drink while pregnant in case you're doing math.)

I was also abused throughout my childhood and went almost a decade without speaking to the family member who did it. I'm still not over that. You don't recover from abuse. You learn to deal with your fears and a child is not yet mentally or emotionally capable of doing that.

 

[DWillowBay]

Here is a link to allears.net that show the location of companion restrooms.
I would recomend using these.

http://allears.net/pl/restrooms.htm

This might be your best option and how nice it was that someone thought of it. As a mother of a young man with special needs, it took many years before feeling comfortable with him going into the men's room by himself. However, this seems like a good interim step. Perhaps you can find a men's restroom that is less busy and try his independence in those. We practiced his restroom skills in the hotel lobby restroom. This boosted his confidence and made me feel more secure. In any case, I hope you and your family have a lovely time. I noticed you are from Wales, as is my family (LLangollen & Maesteg). If you can survive the long flight over....you can survive the restrooms!

 

[stargazertechie]

.... but you seem to be under the impression that a sexual assault is something you can "recover" from or get over. I assure you that it is not. Yes, you can learn to deal and you can go on with your life but you never ever get over it.

You learn to deal with your fears and a child is not yet mentally or emotionally capable of doing that.

You need to find your son a therapist who works within a treatment of traumatic stress therapy model. I'm not minimizing what your son has been through, but there are tens of thousands of refugee children in the united states who are victims of human trafficking who have been through abuse and molestation that we cannot even begin to imagine who go on to live completely independent, well-adjusted lives. You're right, you don't "get over" it, but you can recover and move forward . It takes time, it takes patience, and it takes a committed therapy team, but it can be done.

Do a search for the National Child Traumatic Stress Network and see if there are providers in your area. It sounds like both you and your son would benefit greatly from a more intensive treatment model.

 

[Magpie]

Ok I know I said I was done but you seem to be under the impression that a sexual assault is something you can "recover" from or get over. I assure you that it is not. Yes, you can learn to deal and you can go on with your life but you never ever get over it. The memory and fear is always there. I was raped when I was 22. That's almost 8 years ago. I'm still afraid to drink too much because it happened when I was drunk. (My son was a baby. I didn't drink while pregnant in case you're doing math.)

I was also abused throughout my childhood and went almost a decade without speaking to the family member who did it. I'm still not over that. You don't recover from abuse. You learn to deal with your fears and a child is not yet mentally or emotionally capable of doing that.

I was also sexually assaulted, over a long period time, by a trusted family friend. I went to court, but it was the eighties and he got off. We would have tried again, but I was heading into puberty and the DA said that if I grew breasts halfway through the retrial they'd just argue it was consensual.

Oh well!

Sorry you went through so much as a child. So did I. And it's clear you're not over it.

But me? I am.

And the wonderful thing about young children is how amazingly resilient they can be, when we let them. Yes, people DO recover from abuse. Don't write yourself, or your son off.

Maybe you should print these posts out for your son's psychiatrist. They could be very helpful to him. After all, they're never just treating the child, they're treating the whole family.

 

[Talking Hands]

The OP is a companion. Her son is under the direct care of her, and she feels he can not navigate a restroom by himself. He is a male and she is a female. Whether you or I or anyone else feel she is being over protective is not the point. Those restrooms are there for those that need them and by your very definition, she fits the profile of those who should be allowed access.

No, he is perfectly capable of taking care of his toileting needs by himself. It is for her comfort not his need.

 

[Granny square]

Ok I know I said I was done but you seem to be under the impression that a sexual assault is something you can "recover" from or get over. I assure you that it is not. Yes, you can learn to deal and you can go on with your life but you never ever get over it. The memory and fear is always there. I was raped when I was 22. That's almost 8 years ago. I'm still afraid to drink too much because it happened when I was drunk. (My son was a baby. I didn't drink while pregnant in case you're doing math.)

I was also abused throughout my childhood and went almost a decade without speaking to the family member who did it. I'm still not over that. You don't recover from abuse. You learn to deal with your fears and a child is not yet mentally or emotionally capable of doing that.

Raped at 17 walking back to my dorm.

I could either choose to get beyond that incident and not let it define me or not. :/ it took effort and pushing myself past my comfort zone knowing what is real and what is imagined danger wise.

So I disagree with you. I was over my rape a long time ago even though I have a giant scar to remind me of it. One can get over it.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

How did this thread become about sexual assault? There are many reasons a mom may want her opposite gender child in the restroom with her, and all of them are none of your business.

 

[Laura66]

I was sexually abused by my mothers father from around 4 until 12 when I finally told my father. We chose together not to tell my mother because we didn't want to hurt her. ( some wont agree and I get that)
My father did his best to make sure I was never alone with him or near him at family functions.
Anyway - back to present day! I am now 47 and a mother to 3 and I do have a healthy relationship with my husband. It a big part of what happened to me but you can overcome something like that. I had the support of my father and a few family members that I chose to reveal this to. I'm very protective of all of my children - not just my girls - and if I get a feeling that something is off I trust my instincts. But I don't live with the attitude that everyone - family and strangers - are out to rape or molest my children. I'm very open about what happened to me and tell them I know it wasnt my fault. I tell them to trust their instincts and talk about what they should do if they ever find themselves in that type of situation!

 

[DVCismyhappyplace]

Honestly, that's what the companion restrooms are for. I am an adult female. I honestly would have a problem with a child of that age in the ladies' restroom. That's why they have the companion restrooms.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Honestly, that's what the companion restrooms are for. I am an adult female. I honestly would have a problem with a child of that age in the ladies' restroom. That's why they have the companion restrooms.

As noted many times in this thread, that is not what companion restrooms are for.

 

[Zooshoveller]

Someone said one another thread that they called (or emailed?) Disney and they said 10 was the cut off age unless it was special needs.

 

[Laura66]

How did this thread become about sexual assault? There are many reasons a mom may want her opposite gender child in the restroom with her, and all of them are none of your business.

It became relevant when posters started using rape and molestation as an excuse to bring boys into the ladies restroom.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Someone said one another thread that they called (or emailed?) Disney and they said 10 was the cut off age unless it was special needs.

There you go, then. Nine is fine.

 

[Missytara]

Yeah, I had this experience too but the boy was clearly older than seven. Somewhere between 10-12 would have been my guess. It clearly made the women in the bathroom uncomfortable. I chose to wait until he left to use the bathroom. My daughter was a little freaked out.

I have to say I also had this happen to me more times then I can count in restaurants. I eat out a great deal as a single woman.

I have seen women bring boys into the restroom that are around 10 or 11. I exit and stand outside the door until they are completed.

I am sorry, but if your 10 year old son cannot go to the restroom by himself in public places, then stay home. It is an infringement on my privacy and clearly an issue you need to deal with your son. In a few years, he should be going off on his own to college.

 

[Gracie09]

What I don't understand is everyone seems hung up on the fact that there are urinals in the men's room. As far as I know males don't grow extra parts when they get older. Most boys have seen their father's parts at one time or another. What's the big deal about the urinals? Most men's room have them even in schools. If your kid can't use them tell them to use the stall.
I wish someone could come up with a urinal for females. It would make things go much faster and I guess the Tween boys (and yes by definition a 9 year old is a tween) would have to find someplace else to go.

 

[SpaceMtMan]

If I were you, I would explain it to your son, go into the female bathroom as usual and your son into the boys bathroom and just tell him to come out as soon as he's done and to wait for you, not leaving or going anywhere.

 

[luvmy3]

As noted many times in this thread, that is not what companion restrooms are for.

According to the Disney mom's panel they can be used for that purpose.

 

[Laura66]

And the wonderful thing about young children is how amazingly resilient they can be, when we let them. Yes, people DO recover from abuse. Don't write yourself, or your son off.

Maybe you should print these posts out for your son's psychiatrist. They could be very helpful to him. After all, they're never just treating the child, they're treating the whole family.

Any psychiatrist worth is salt is going to be working with you and your son to address what happened and work with the both of you to overcome this fear!