Finding yourself


<font color=blue>Won a Howard DeSilva award for wo
Mar 4, 2004
I wrote this blog back in April of this year and as I'm rereading it, I realize it still applies. I'm wondering what you guys all think and how you maintain a balance in your lives?

Midnight Run

What the hell am I doing awake when every other creature in my home is asleep?
I had to make a midnight run to the A&P for a bottle of Formula after my little lamb kicked his bottle over in his sleep. (His bottle is placed at the foot of his bed for easy access at night.)
What the hell has my life become? Was it so long ago that Friday and Saturday and hell even Sunday nights were not for wondering what was on HBO and was I going to get to wash my hair anytime soon but for going out in skirts that were way too short and hair that was way too big. There is a show coming to CBGB's that I want to go to and my husband argued with me that I'm a mom now and way too old to be going to clubs to see bands play (This is the same man who is upset because he waited too long to get Morrissey tickets for his Apollo shows). It got me thinking, after a child DOES the life you once had have to stop? Is there a point when one has to "grow up"? If so, when is it? Is it inappropriate at age 31 with a 15 week old son to want to dye my hair purple and hot pink? Is it wrong of me to want to get a tattoo dedicated to my son? Does any of this make me an unfit parent or just a poseur?
I spent half my life trying to fit in and be popular, I've spent the other half running from that world.
When I worked in a corporate office, I'd ride the PATH train each morning with the yuppies and their suits and Coach briefcases and their Burbery coats and realize that world isn't one I'll ever fit into. I'm not that way. I'm more of an individual than that.
What world do I fit into though? Living in Hoboken with the other Yuppie mom's and dad's I certainly don't fit in. When I tell them my son's name is Patrick Jazz I always get funny looks and I cringe inside each time I'm introduced to a Madison or a David. I don't want a Peg Pergo stroller and I don't want to dress my baby in Baby Gap from head to toe.
Where in the hell do I fit in around here? I wish I knew...I need to go to bed.
Nicely written and definitely room for thought. I don't particularly fit into our conservative, yuppie area either but I've learned to accept that and like myself for being an individual. I'm much more relaxed since I made that decision and I get along with the conservative yuppies better too.

As for going out and being too old, no way!!! I don't think that anyone ever gets too old to do the things they enjoy.
Have you found yourself or are you still looking?

That is the only question you should ever concern yourself with.
I guess I'm ALWAYS still looking. It's just difficult for me when my husband looks down upon all the changes I want to make for myself. The changes aren't internal so much but rather external (tattoos, hair color) and would in turn I think change the way I feel inside.
I'm afraid that with the birth of my son, I've lost who I really am. I have no hobbies, very few close friends and almost nothing I feel passionate about.
I LOVE being a mom and look forward to the birth of our next baby boy but at the same time, it's super important to me to make my husband come around to the dark side and understand that the changes I want to make are important to me. He doesn't get it.

DWhittles said:
I'm afraid that with the birth of my son, I've lost who I really am. I have no hobbies, very few close friends and almost nothing I feel passionate about.
This is one of the biggest mistakes women make when they have children. They lose themselves and then have major problems once the children are gone.

You need to get back in touch with yourself. You need to make friends, and you need to find a hobby you enjoy. You need to go out with friends occasionally, and you need to go out with your husband as well. You have to keep your own relationships, not just the one with your child. Explain to your husband that if you don't, your marriage will suffer. How many men start affairs because their wife has become totally wrapped up in the kids? (I'm NOT making excuses for men who do this). On the flip side, this could also be why some women have affairs...they need to feel alive again. Or maybe there are no affairs, but you have grown apart from each other, to the point that you have nothing left when the kids are gone.

I'm not trying to sound full of doom, but maybe if you husband sees that this is not only affecting you, but can affect him also, then he will understand. (Not to mention how it will affect the don't need to carry the burden that they are all that their mom has). If he still doesn't get it, you may need to go to counseling together.

It is good that you are recognizing this fairly early so that you can make the necessary changes to feel like yourself again. Good luck.


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