Feeling selfish... and annoyed

[LadyOfDunBroch]

My best friend has been with her partner for nearly 10 years, they got married almost 3 years ago. For awhile now when I hung out with them together it felt kind of chilly, but I didn't really think much of it. Until the end of this past September when BFF called out of the blue and said her DW was leaving her, planning on moving back to live with family across the country. They have certainly had some problems in the past (BFF called once lamenting that DW had THROWN A DISH AT HER!! ) But I don't think either of us saw this coming!
So on to the title of the thread...
Since September I have been helping BFF, consoling her, talking things out with her... and that's all we've been doing. Every time we are on the phone, every time I'm at her apartment or she's at the house, in each and every text. It's gotten to the point that my DH is getting annoyed because I can easily spend 2 hours on the phone with her rehashing the same conversations over and over and I finally have to be the one to end the call. I realize that it is remarkably difficult, what she is going through. And I feel so badly that she has to deal with this But at the same time I feel like it's sucking all of my time and emotional energy. To complicate things, her DW was VERY introverted, so they never went anywhere and BFF has no other real friends (we met through work) I have suggested therapy but she said money is too tight for it. I suggested calling the 211 number for united way to see if there is free counseling available anywhere, but she flat out refuses because she has had bad experiences in the past? she wouldn't go into it any further than that I am at my wits end! I want so badly to help her but I am at a loss.... any suggestions? thoughts? flames, even! I'll take ANYTHING at this point!!


(I posted this on the G&L board as well, but the CB gets ALOT more traffic, so if that was against the rules I'm sorry mods!!!!)

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I think it's okay to feel how you do. I have a friend who is great... She really is one of my favorite people but if there is any kind of drama in her life it becomes VERY taxing to be her friend.

 

[LadyOfDunBroch]

I think it's okay to feel how you do. I have a friend who is great... She really is one of my favorite people but if there is any kind of drama in her life it becomes VERY taxing to be her friend.

When she does have drama, do you just kind of let her wear herself out? Do you set boundaries as far as when/where you can talk about it? I just don't know how much longer I can be a 24/7 sounding board without starting to feel resentful, and that is the last thing I want

 

[BrinkofSunshine]

I would let her know that while you love her and support her, there's only so much of being a sounding board one person can take. Just kindly remind her that it's not very fun to be with someone who just vents all of the time. Maybe suggest she journal her thoughts? At least that way she has another outlet! Or, next time you see her in person I'd suggest doing at activity that limits talking, at least a little, like a movie, bowling, going to a market/festival or something.

 

[morgan98]

OP, I do not think you are selfish. Having been through a difficult divorce in my past, I know that it is very emotional and that having someone to discuss things with can really be a lifesaver. I also understand that it takes people different amounts of time to start to move on from lost relationships.

However, if you have really been listening to this for over two months now and it really becoming as time consuming as you say, I do think it is time to start to pull back. At some point, she also needs to stop rehashing the same stories, anger, etc. and try to focus on other positives in her life, no matter how tiny they seem. Continuing to only talk about that all the time is not healthy. Believe me, it is baby steps.

There is probably no really easy way to do this, but to try to steer the conversation to different topics (any topic really) and to limit the length of your interactions. I mean letting her vent for 15 minutes may be fine, for two hours, it is probably too long.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

When she does have drama, do you just kind of let her wear herself out? Do you set boundaries as far as when/where you can talk about it? I just don't know how much longer I can be a 24/7 sounding board without starting to feel resentful, and that is the last thing I want

I'm usually "really busy" at those times lol.

I don't ignore her. I let her vent and give her advice if she wants it but I don't let it take over every minute of my day. If I took all of her phone calls or texts that could very easily happen.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Totally normal for someone in that situation to have to talk and talk and talk. It will eventually simmer down. I was like that after my divorce and so was my friend.
You're being an awesome friend and I'm sure she appreciates it.

 

[Aliceacc]

I think friendships should be give and take. Not always 50-50.... sometimes 90-10 and other times 10-90.

But when the crisis passes, it should go back to a more or less even keel.

Three months of crisis is a lot for you to take. It's an emotional drain on you, and real time drain in terms of the amount of time you have to spend with your family. It's no longer a crisis, it's now the status quo, and something she's going to have to learn to deal with.

It sounds like your friend could benefit from counseling, not just a shoulder to cry on.

Could you start to begin your conversations with "It's good to hear from you, but I have to be off the phone in 15 minutes. " Then set the kitchen timer. In 15 minutes, politely interrupt, tell you have to run, and hang up.

 

[mjkacmom]

I've found that with my divorced friends, that first year is very raw and difficult, and having someone to talk to is priceless. Yes, the exact same conversation will happen, over and over. This isn't a case of a person always being negative and self absorbed, this is a reaction to a terrible thing in her life. She's in pain.

 

[Bluestars]

Maybe you could help her find an online support group.

 

[LadyOfDunBroch]

All AMAZING ideas all and I am definitely going to try them!

I've found that with my divorced friends, that first year is very raw and difficult, and having someone to talk to is priceless. Yes, the exact same conversation will happen, over and over. This isn't a case of a person always being negative and self absorbed, this is a reaction to a terrible thing in her life. She's in pain.

I completely agree! that's why I am struggling with feeling selfish... I have never experienced a divorce and can't even imagine how it feels. I want to be there for her and help her as much as possible, but I have concerns that I am starting to do it at my own expense...

Maybe you could help her find an online support group.

And Bluestars, that is just uncanny! I JUST talked to her a few minutes ago and said the same thing! Maybe I will look up some different sites and suggest a few to her.

 

[LadyOfDunBroch]

And small update from the most recent conversation, her DW has her restricted on FB, and I don't do social media.... she asked me to have my DH "watch" her soon to be ex's page....

 

[Bluestars]

And Bluestars, that is just uncanny! I JUST talked to her a few minutes ago and said the same thing! Maybe I will look up some different sites and suggest a few to her.

I hope you find one. She will probably find comfort in talking to people who are going through similar experiences, especially the ones who have learned how to cope with their emotions.

 

[perditax]

And small update from the most recent conversation, her DW has her restricted on FB, and I don't do social media.... she asked me to have my DH "watch" her soon to be ex's page....

NO NO NO.

You already know this but no.

Super unhealthy for her, sketchy for you guys.

 

[Marchand63]

All AMAZING ideas all and I am definitely going to try them!

I completely agree! that's why I am struggling with feeling selfish... I have never experienced a divorce and can't even imagine how it feels. I want to be there for her and help her as much as possible, but I have concerns that I am starting to do it at my own expense...


And Bluestars, that is just uncanny! I JUST talked to her a few minutes ago and said the same thing! Maybe I will look up some different sites and suggest a few to her.

Maybe I can put in a few words. Imagine this - your in your kitchen cooking dinner for your partner/lover/BFF and they simply reach into your chest, pull your heart out, throw it on the floor and stomp on it. Then you get hit by a bus and for good measure it backs over you. That might be a little close to how it felt when I was blindsided by the leaving announcement.

I know you feel selfish & I get it but she is less than 90 days from her life imploding, please hang in there a bit longer. I knew I was stuck in neutral for a few months but slowly I got my life back. If it weren't for those friends who just sucked it up I'm not sure if I would have made it through. As for DH, I get it, try to explain it like she has a terrible illness and you wouldn't turn a sick friend away.

And small update from the most recent conversation, her DW has her restricted on FB, and I don't do social media.... she asked me to have my DH "watch" her soon to be ex's page....

Oh like others said SO NO!!!!!!!!!! It will just keep the wound open and prolong the pain shopping.

 

[Nancyg56]

And small update from the most recent conversation, her DW has her restricted on FB, and I don't do social media.... she asked me to have my DH "watch" her soon to be ex's page....

As others have already said: No.

At this point your friend is crossing lines that should never be crossed, so while I sympathize that she is in pain, there needs to be boundaries. I htink that it is important to be supportive, and I commend your for being there for her. It must be stressful for you, and time consuming.

I hope she follows through and funds a support group. I imagine that unless one has been though this, it is not possible to really understand. The people in the group may be better equipped to help her to navigate this.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think it's great to be there for your friend, but you have to watch how it is affecting your own relationship with your DH and that includes your moods when you get off the phone with her. He's already telling you it's affecting him so pay attention. I think all of us get caught up in this type thing from time to time, ie texting or looking into a laptop and ignoring those around us. It's not too much fun for the person who's being ignored.

 

[Lori74]

can you try to switch gears and slip in a bit about you for a change in the conversation? gosh im so tired from this or I have all this going on...or if you have the time, suggest fun things to go do together and try to keep upbeat. we all have been broken from something or another, some of us tend to wallow as long as people allow us to. our friends try to indulge us thinking they are helping us, when really they are enabling us to sit at the bottom and not move on. I know, ive been at the bottom. it took strong people in my life to listen for a while then change the tune for me and not indulge my wallowing. it seems harsh, but you would be doing her a huge favor by listening for a min, then saying ok, now lets move on... its the healthy thing to do. good luck!

 

[NHdisneylover]

When my dad left my mom she reacted much the same way. After having spent decades married to a recluse, she had no friends to support her---and they had moved and taken early retirenment a few years prior, so she didn't even have work/co workers to help her focus outward. I became the one and only sounding board.

For me, I recognized that for the first few months she was raw and hurt and totally taken aback and needed to "let it out" and tried to be a place she could vent. But as time went on, I did let her know that I couldn't neglect my own life to always be there for her at any moment and set limits on how much time and when and then also pointed out that it was hard for me to hear constant negativity (more so since the other person was my dad, whom I love too) and that it probably wasn't healthy for her to dwell on nothing else either---so told her I could spend the first 25% of any block of time on her venting but then we needed to move on and focus on somethign else--even if she had to force it and pretend. Eventaully it seemed to help her find other things to think about and do and she now has a great network of friends, a job, a boyfriend, etc an setting those limits, while still being there and not just fading away as I think many people might, helped me too.

 

[rodeo65]

Oh, I have been in your shoes! I had a friend years ago when our kids were small and in school together. We were not best friends by any stretch, newer friends through the kids but we were both at home moms at the time. Her husband walked out over labour day weekend as school was about to start. For better than six months, we dropped the kids at school and then went for coffee ALL DAY until we picked them up again. Often we'd then let the kids play for a while and continue. It was draining. She had been completely blindsided and financially devastated as he had insisted she be a stay at home wife from the time they were married. He handled all the finances and had drained (and hidden) them. She had nothing, literally. Froze everything except the house chequing account, so I suggested she go grocery shopping daily and buy a pack of gum and take cash back to the maximum the cashier would allow. I think she managed to scrape together about $600 before he caught on and emptied that account too. She got absolutely shafted in the settlement, her lawyer was all she could afford with some help from her parents and worth about that much.

I heard about it over and over and over. All of it. It did become so difficult to repeat the same conversation daily and more than once in a day. DH was understanding but also getting irritated. He stopped letting me vent about her vent after a couple of months.

In the end I had to back away. She made so many poor decisions (like the page stalking one your friend wants you to help with - and waaaay worse) I lost a lot of respect for her choices because they were so harmful to her daughter. We'd get together from time to time over the next few years and she just kept on making these desperate, bad decisions in her life and dragging her daughter with her.

I know your situation is different in that she is your best friend, but you do need to find a way to limit your exposure for your own family's sake. I like the other suggestions of putting a limit on how long you have to spend with her at any time. I never did that and really wish I had.