Feeling selfish... and annoyed

[WaltDisneyGirl84]

I'm all too familiar with this type of situation as I have numerous friends who complain about the same problems in their relationships but do nothing about them. I too, get worn out of this type of conversation. You can only be someones support system for so long. People have to want to help themselves. Often times I feel they are hoping someone will fix their problems for them. I also feel that I am often not compensated for my support, I receive little to none in return which is often frustrating.

I find that as I'm getting older, I'm still being supportive, but more blunt with how I feel in regards to peoples situations. Life is too short to waste time dwelling on past experiences/disappointments and sometimes you just have to lay it out for some people. Maybe it's time to tell your friend how much you love/appreciate them but if anything is going to change they have to begin taking steps in that direction and that talking about it over and over will not change the current situation?

This is not an easy discussion no matter how you spin it. But I feel like in the end, even if you are being a bit brazen, friends appreciate the truth.

 

[perditax]

I'm all too familiar with this type of situation as I have numerous friends who complain about the same problems in their relationships but do nothing about them. I too, get worn out of this type of conversation. You can only be someones support system for so long. People have to want to help themselves. Often times I feel they are hoping someone will fix their problems for them. I also feel that I am often not compensated for my support, I receive little to none in return which is often frustrating.

I find that as I'm getting older, I'm still being supportive, but more blunt with how I feel in regards to peoples situations. Life is too short to waste time dwelling on past experiences/disappointments and sometimes you just have to lay it out for some people. Maybe it's time to tell your friend how much you love/appreciate them but if anything is going to change they have to begin taking steps in that direction and that talking about it over and over will not change the current situation?

This is not an easy discussion no matter how you spin it. But I feel like in the end, even if you are being a bit brazen, friends appreciate the truth.

So much truth here, especially the bolded part.

Unfortunately I have a lot of people around me who really seem to believe they were singled out by the universe for bad luck, and they invent obstacles that don't exist so they don't have to try to solve their problems. Another version of this is one I'm sure any of us with office jobs can recognize--the co-worker who complains about the job all day every day but has a dozen reasons they can't get a job they hate just a little less.

And yeah--as you get older it gets harder and harder to take on the burden of other people's problems, especially when it negatively impacts your own life.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I've found that with my divorced friends, that first year is very raw and difficult, and having someone to talk to is priceless. Yes, the exact same conversation will happen, over and over. This isn't a case of a person always being negative and self absorbed, this is a reaction to a terrible thing in her life. She's in pain.

Exactly.

 

[cabanafrau]

Why is it that anytime a friend is in the type of crisis like OP's friend is there is always a nebulous reasoning from the past that cannot be explained as to why counseling will not suffice for their situation? Somehow wallowing with the faithful friend always ready to listen always seems to be the preferable answer for those in crisis.

IMO wallowing should be regarded as a stage of grief, a stage of healing, a stage of mourning -- but then there should be encouragement towards taking some positive steps. It's also my experience that very often the faithful friends who suffer through the endless wallowing find themselves suddenly left behind in a cloud of dust when the friend finally decides to move on.

Good luck, OP. I hope your friend finds the momentum to take a few steps in a positive direction soon.

 

[Mokat76]

Back away. You don't have to do it abruptly, but start doing it now. The request that your husband monitor her ex's social media tells me she's digging in deeper rather than making any attempt at getting better. Your own family takes precedence. Period.

She doesn't want counseling but is perfectly willing to have you act the part? Nope. She needs to buck up and start coping. I get she's in pain. I get she needs support. But she has no right, nor expectation, that you be her de facto counselor/therapist because she won't take another step forward.

Back away. Do it gently, but do it.

 

[ariel71]

I would say something like "unfortunately, I'm just not equipped or trained to provide the intense support you're expecting of me". There's a difference between being a friend and being a therapist, and at this point you're a therapist who needs to pull back on her "sessions". Asking you to stalk her ex on FB is so extremely inappropriate - that alone is evidence of needing therapy. You can still support her by researching options, a lesser amount of phone time, etc., but you can't be the end-all, be-all. Yes, she's only two months in and you've been a good friend by being her sounding board, but ultimately you don't know what a healthy response looks like for either of you. You may be doing more harm than good by being her only crutch.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

When this happens to a friend of mine I truly try to be there. When it gets to be too much I try to change the subject or answer in one word responses. They usually get the point. I don't mind listening and giving advice but I can't do it for 3-4 hours straight or all day long. We can do it in spurts. I am also pretty blunt on what I tell them. I can't beat around the bush.

I wouldn't bail on a true friend. If you are my friend you are truly my friend and I will be there for you through thick and thin.

 

[rigs32]

You will be a better friend if you take care of yourself by setting boundaries and sticking to them. You are not cruel to get off the phone because you have a commitment. You are not a bad friend if you decline to stalk the ex.

My SO has, in my opinion, a somewhat one sided relationship with his childhood BFF. When the BFF was divorcing, there were many long phone calls and such. I was fine with that until he left me on my own with zero notice on July 4th. Here I am, alone downtown, watching the fireworks. No idea where SO was (in his car on the phone) or why he wasn't there. I told him that unless it's an emergency, he could have at least called/texted me to give me a heads up AND told his friend he had plans but would call back in an hour.

 

[Wishing on a star]

IMHO, the facebook social media thing is telling. I think that this has gone beyond venting... It sounds like your friend is hoping that you will do more than a reasonable effort to 'listen' and support, and is sweeping you into their continuing drama. Even enabling the emotionally unhealthy drama. Because stalking is definitely not 'healthy'.

Sometimes when people continue to do the wrong things that are detrimental to everyone's best interests, the best thing to do is to pull-back and protect your own healthy boundaries.

If your friend is not making efforts or progress in the right direction, and is, in effect hoping you will be their lifeline as they continue in detrimental patterns, it is time to make a change.

 

[Disney Doll]

Time to move her toward focusing on recovery and rebuilding.

If she is a good friend you need to be honest with her. I don't mean be mean but be honest.

You need to say things like "it's time to start moving forward. Baby steps but we need to move forward here".

You need to say "no my DH will not stalk your spouse's FB page. It's not healthy for you and we don't want that kind of involvement".

You need to say "10 minutes of sad talk then we are changing the subject to positive things, what you are going to do with your life etc".

You need to say "no more excuses about a therapist. You need to find one."

I remember a particularly bad break up of my own. My friend, God bless her, listened to me and after a couple of months said "OK, now it's time to make your life yours and not dependent on anyone else's unless you WANT that person to be there".

And no, your friend won't be ready for this when you first start saying it but she needs to start hearing it.