Feeling guilty.

[wdwmom0f3]

My daughter is a senior now, but years ago when she was in the 8th grade she "went out" with a boy I could not stand for a few months. I could just look at him and see trouble. I made her break up with him after hearing things that he did. He dropped out of HS, he hit my DD, burnt her leg with a cigarette on purpose and threatened to kill me and all kinds of other horrible things. I ended up putting a restraining order against him.

Over the course of the next two/three years, I would catch DD trying to see him every few months. Just when I thought things were better, I would get hit with it again. We went to therapy, all of that. It was a nightmare for so long! Finally one day, DD realized just how bad the boy really was, but it took way to long! She thought she could "change him & help him".

Fast forward to today. She came home from school and said that he had been killed in a car wreck in Florida, where he has been living for the past two years. He had been drinking and driving. Mind you he was still underage. No one else was killed in the crash, one person riding with him was hurt.

When DD told me this I had this "calm", but guilty feeling that just came over me. I do hate this for his parents, though they would give him booze and drugs, still no one should go through something like that. It's every parents worst nightmare, and we all make mistakes. I guess I am just feeling guilty because he just destroyed our lives for all of three years, and has been in the back of my mind since, and I wished he would go away forever so many times. Now I feel so guilty inside because I have no feelings about it other than relief, knowing that he wont pop in and start it all over again. Does this even make sense?

I said a prayer for his family, and thanked God for mine. I can't help but thank God everyday that my DD got away from this, or it could have been her in the car with him and we could be going through much worse right now.

This is one battle that was worth fighting, as hard as it was to do because it was her will against mine and her fathers. It's also one thing that I am so very thankful that God got us through, because it was the most trying time in my life. I shouldn't feel such a feeling of relief, but I have closure, and I know that he will never hurt her again. Please don't flame me.

 

[ocd4disney]

How did your daughter take it?

 

[HERSEY]

I understand your feelings. I feel bad for the boys parents how horrible to lose a child, no matter how difficult they might be.

I do hope your daughter realizes she can not save and change someone they must do it for themselves.

 

[lisaviolet]

My daughter is a senior now, but years ago when she was in the 8th grade she "went out" with a boy I could not stand for a few months. I could just look at him and see trouble. I made her break up with him after hearing things that he did. He dropped out of HS, he hit my DD, burnt her leg with a cigarette on purpose and threatened to kill me and all kinds of other horrible things. I ended up putting a restraining order against him.

Over the course of the next two/three years, I would catch DD trying to see him every few months. Just when I thought things were better, I would get hit with it again. We went to therapy, all of that. It was a nightmare for so long! Finally one day, DD realized just how bad the boy really was, but it took way to long! She thought she could "change him & help him".

Fast forward to today. She came home from school and said that he had been killed in a car wreck in Florida, where he has been living for the past two years. He had been drinking and driving. Mind you he was still underage. No one else was killed in the crash, one person riding with him was hurt.

When DD told me this I had this "calm", but guilty feeling that just came over me. I do hate this for his parents, though they would give him booze and drugs, still no one should go through something like that. It's every parents worst nightmare, and we all make mistakes. I guess I am just feeling guilty because he just destroyed our lives for all of three years, and has been in the back of my mind since, and I wished he would go away forever so many times. Now I feel so guilty inside because I have no feelings about it other than relief, knowing that he wont pop in and start it all over again. Does this even make sense?

I said a prayer for his family, and thanked God for mine. I can't help but thank God everyday that my DD got away from this, or it could have been her in the car with him and we could be going through much worse right now.

This is one battle that was worth fighting, as hard as it was to do because it was her will against mine and her fathers. It's also one thing that I am so very thankful that God got us through, because it was the most trying time in my life. I shouldn't feel such a feeling of relief, but I have closure, and I know that he will never hurt her again. Please don't flame me.

Carla,

Humans can hold two distinctly different - conflicting - emotions at one time. Easily. But I do understand how confusing that can feel. I hope this story helps you.

Last year my niece's father died in a car crash. I was sad and relieved. Sad because that's horrific and I had a relationship with him. And I felt sad for his family and sad that my niece might never get "closure????" with their troubled relationship one way or another.

But I was both happy (And I do mean genuinely happy) and relieved for my sister. Why? Because he had done some awful things to her. And he had stalked her on and off for nearly two decades. Did I ever wish for him to die? No. But it affected - he did - her DAILY choices. She'd have to watch her words to others and her decisions all the time. For example when she put her house up for sale she couldn't risk having a sign on her lawn b/c he had already followed her to that house and left lsome disturbing letters and such.

He would try to trick any of us to get information.

I went to his funeral. I felt saddened for his family and for my niece and for him - mostly what a struggle his life was. But I did and do feel relief for my sister - big time. And I don't feel any guilt for that. You feel it Carla because he hurt your daughter and you would do anything to protect your child. You didn't want him dead - but he is and now you can finally exhale. It's the exhale.

It's okay.

to you and your DD.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think you are going through a range of emotions that are part of human nature. I'm sure you are not "glad" he was in the accident. You didn't wish for that. He did go away. I mean before the accident. That was your wish. I understand the feelings of guilt and relief you have. I'm sure your feelings are very confusing and conflicting.

He put you and your family through a lot. His passing doesn't change that. You had a real fear for your DD and yourself for a long time. That feeling of being "on guard" does things to people. Don't punish yourself for the residual feelings you have.

It's a shame he couldn't have pulled it together. It's sad that he passed away and that he didn't reach his potential.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

"This is one battle that was worth fighting, as hard as it was to do because it was her will against mine and her fathers. It's also one thing that I am so very thankful that God got us through, because it was the most trying time in my life. I shouldn't feel such a feeling of relief, but I have closure, and I know that he will never hurt her again. Please don't flame me."​

You should feel relief! I completely agree that it was a battle worth fighting for. Try and feel no guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty over. You were protecting your own child, that is your job.

I pray that your daughter does not elevate this young man to something he clearly wasn't now that he has died.

It is tragic when a young person dies. However, some young people like to push everything to the limit, and dance with death too often. This young man sounds like he had some serious and deep issues that he had been fighting. I hope he is able to find peace at long last.

 

[CowboyCO]

This guy hurt your child. He BURNED her. Honestly, it it was my daughter, I might have taken him out myself. Nobody touches my cubs...

Sure his parents are grieving, and you can pray for them.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

She took it fine, about like how I did, and I was so glad too. I think she has heard so many things that he has done over the years that he should have been in jail for, that she knew he was headed this way. She knows now that you can't change people, they are who they are. I think the whole thing made her grow up a little faster than some of her friends, but it took a while. She is now dating a good kid who is about to start college next week. She sees now, what we were trying to get her to see then.

 

[disykat]

Yes, some battles ARE worth fighting! The last thing a parent wants is to be proved right in regards to dangers our teens face.And even the last thing we want can be one less worry!

 

[Sparx]

"This is one battle that was worth fighting, as hard as it was to do because it was her will against mine and her fathers. It's also one thing that I am so very thankful that God got us through, because it was the most trying time in my life. I shouldn't feel such a feeling of relief, but I have closure, and I know that he will never hurt her again. Please don't flame me."​

You should feel relief! I completely agree that it was a battle worth fighting for. Try and feel no guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty over. You were protecting your own child, that is your job.

I pray that your daughter does not elevate this young man to something he clearly wasn't now that he has died.

It is tragic when a young person dies. However, some young people like to push everything to the limit, and dance with death too often. This young man sounds like he had some serious and deep issues that he had been fighting. I hope he is able to find peace at long last.

I agree with this post.

You should not feel guilty for feeling relief at this.

You've been fighting a long long battle that even though this person was in another state could have picked back up any second. You now know that that will never happen again. You feel relief for your daughter, knowing that she has a future without this toxic person in it. I would feel this too.

But you also feel sad that he died, and how he died. It could have so easily been prevented. Its sad for his friends and family (and your daughter) to lose someone that was important to them (or was once important to them in your daughter's case).

Its horrible that he died (and endangered others so recklessly) but you do not need to feel guilty about the relief you feel. You are not a bad person!

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Carla,

Humans can hold two distinctly different - conflicting - emotions at one time. Easily. But I do understand how confusing that can feel. I hope this story helps you.

Last year my niece's father died in a car crash. I was sad and relieved. Sad because that's horrific and I had a relationship with him. And I felt sad for his family and sad that my niece might never get "closure????" with their troubled relationship one way or another.

But I was both happy (And I do mean genuinely happy) and relieved for my sister. Why? Because he had done some awful things to her. And he had stalked her on and off for nearly two decades. Did I ever wish for him to die? No. But it affected - he did - her DAILY choices. She'd have to watch her words to others and her decisions all the time. For example when she put her house up for sale she couldn't risk having a sign on her lawn b/c he had already followed her to that house and left lsome disturbing letters and such.

He would try to trick any of us to get information.

I went to his funeral. I felt saddened for his family and for my niece and for him - mostly what a struggle his life was. But I did and do feel relief for my sister - big time. And I don't feel any guilt for that. You feel it Carla because he hurt your daughter and you would do anything to protect your child. You didn't want him dead - but he is and now you can finally exhale. It's the exhale.

It's okay.

to you and your DD.

Thank you so much for that, and you are exactly right, I was just trying to protect her. she couldn't see it at the time, but I know she understands it now. We are very close.

Thank you all for being so understanding. It helps to talk about it, and hear about others who have felt the same way.

 

[minkydog]

I think you have a right to feel sad and relieved about this boy's death. Sad, because it's never a good thing when a child dies, even if they were drinking and driving. But I also understand why you don't feel too sad because of the way he treated your DD and your family. THis kid was bad news for 3 years of your lives. I do feel sorry for his parents and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

A few years ago my father died. He was a cruel, arrogant, abusive man. In the last 30 days of his life, I went to see him. He was dying of lung cancer. Although I did take care of him, I had no feelings for him. He was just my dad. He was jerk all his life, and then he was a jerk with cancer. When he died I never shed a tear. I was glad it was over and I have no regrets.

It's hard to feel sympathy for someone who was mean and hateful. I think you have the right to be glad to out from under the terror of this young man. He made a lot of bad decisions and he paid the ultimate price. Your guilt is false guilt.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I think you have a right to feel sad and relieved about this boy's death. Sad, because it's never a good thing when a child dies, even if they were drinking and driving. But I also understand why you don't feel too sad because of the way he treated your DD and your family. THis kid was bad news for 3 years of your lives. I do feel sorry for his parents and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

A few years ago my father died. He was a cruel, arrogant, abusive man. In the last 30 days of his life, I went to see him. He was dying of lung cancer. Although I did take care of him, I had no feelings for him. He was just my dad. He was jerk all his life, and then he was a jerk with cancer. When he died I never shed a tear. I was glad it was over and I have no regrets.

It's hard to feel sympathy for someone who was mean and hateful. I think you have the right to be glad to out from under the terror of this young man. He made a lot of bad decisions and he paid the ultimate price. Your guilt is false guilt.

That had to be hard, I understand what you mean. My granddaddy was kind of like that and we were never close, for good reason. So, when he passed, I never shed a tear either. It makes a BIG difference when you really love someone & they love you back.

Thank you for understanding, and yes we were terrorized by him. I think that's why I have felt this way.

 

[Disney Doll]

Frankly I think it's big of you to feel even a bit guilty. I'd have been totally relieved if I were you that this guy can no longer "re-enter" your DD's life.

Sure you can feel sad for his family and you can feel badly that a young person died, but don't feel too bad...he doesn't sound like any prize for what he ut you guys through.

And those of you who are going to tell me I'm a terreible person...please don't waste your time. I have never been one to sanctify someone just because they died. People are who they are, death doesn't suddenly erase away all the bad stuff someone may have done. It just means they can't do it anymore.

 

[C.Ann]

There's a very fine line between love and hate - and I also believe there is a very fine line between being relieved and feeling guilty..

It's okay.. You had to protect your DD then - and always..

Just say a prayer for his family.. Regardless of what their parenting abilities were - or weren't - no parent should ever have to bury their own child..

Try not to feel guilty.. It's truly all in the past now..

 

[natenapril]

Frankly I think it's big of you to feel even a bit guilty. I'd have been totally relieved if I were you that this guy can no longer "re-enter" your DD's life.

Sure you can feel sad for his family and you can feel badly that a young person died, but don't feel too bad...he doesn't sound like any prize for what he ut you guys through.

And those of you who are going to tell me I'm a terreible person...please don't waste your time. I have never been one to sanctify someone just because they died. People are who they are, death doesn't suddenly erase away all the bad stuff someone may have done. It just means they can't do it anymore.

This is a problem in my family. If someone did bad things when they were alive it's all forgotten when they are dead. Not with me. I will NOT wear rose colored glasses of how a person was when the LIVED.

He was not a good person to you or your baby and so why should you feel sorrow? I will never understand glorifying the dead.