Feeling guilty because I only want one child

[suezpqt]

I have one child.

I planned to have 3, but the day my son was born, I knew I wanted only one. And it wasn't about a painful childbirth or anything like that. I just knew in my heart I wanted to be a family of 3.

I love having only one child. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

QUOTE]

I too only have 1 - she is going to be 7 on 11/15. I feel the same as thirtycats. It just clicked that wonderful day when DD was born - she was it and that was that.

Yes there are days that she says that she wants to have a brother or a sister. Do I feel bad about it - sometimes. We got a lot of agruments from family about only having 1 - we just told them that it is our life/our family. We are going to make the decisions. Do I worry about the "what if's" - you bet! But, you can't go thru life worrying about things that you have no control over - life is way too short to do that.

Enjoy your decision and don't worry about the what if's.

 

[connorlevismom]

You guys are the best!

I too deal with family who tells me that I cannot just have one. They think it is selfish and wrong to do to a child. "A child needs a sibling" they say. But like what was posted earlier, just because he has a sibling does not mean they will get along. I know that.

I will try my best to stop worrying about it but it is so hard. Moms worry!

 

[bopper]

Yes there are days that she says that she wants to have a brother or a sister.

Well, my youngest daughter sometimes wishes she didn't have an older sister or sometimes wishes she had a baby brother/sister. Other days when her sister is staying over somebody's house, she wants to know when she is coming back.

 

[wic0721]

I am also the mother of an only child, my DD is now 7 years old. My DD is a very happy, well rounded child. She is not spoiled (well maybe just a little bit, but not a spoiled brat!). I would have loved to have been able to have given her a sibling, but it just wasn't medically in the cards for us, and I've accepted it! But being a family of three, we are able to provide her with more one on one time with us, and we are also a little more financially stable. And as my DH likes to point out to me, if we had more children, we wouldn't be able to go to WDW as often as my dd and I like!

 

[Worfiedoodles]

I am an adopted only child, and mother of an only child, ds8. My dh is five years older than I am, and does not want to have another child. I would like to have another one in concept, but the reality is this would not work for our family. Having been an only child with aging parents, I fully understand the ramifications of having an only. I don't feel like I'm placing any undo burdens on our son. We have financially planned so he will not be burdened as we age -- and we could do that because we only have him to provide for.

Also, my dh is a middle child. He has absolutely nothing in common with his older or younger sister, and they do not rely on each other in any way. It's less about like or love and more about indifference -- I realize this is more of a comment on his family than the number of kids, I'm just saying that having more than one child does not mean the kids will necessarily be "bonded" in a meaningful way -- although one would certainly hope so!

Since having more than one does not guarantee anything, I think the number of children you have really needs to be about you and your husband. If you both don't want more, than I would hope you wouldn't have them. It would be awful for one party to insist and make the other miserable. It should be a case of one "no" means no more.

What I do deal with is a desire to buy all the fun "girly" stuff that I can't with a ds. Lucky for me, I have four nieces. And, every Christmas my church sponsors a "stocking" project. I get the joy of picking out little dolls, barrettes, lip gloss, etc., and knowing I'm really doing something good for someone else. So, if you do think you only want one who happens to be a ds, and you think what about buying all the great girl stuff -- you still can!

 

[thirtycats]

What I do deal with is a desire to buy all the fun "girly" stuff that I can't with a ds. Lucky for me, I have four nieces. And, every Christmas my church sponsors a "stocking" project. I get the joy of picking out little dolls, barrettes, lip gloss, etc., and knowing I'm really doing something good for someone else. So, if you do think you only want one who happens to be a ds, and you think what about buying all the great girl stuff -- you still can!

That is such a good idea!!!

 

[49rt67]

I'm an only child and I'm the Mom of an only child. I had a great childhood, and was close to my parents. Sometimes I wished for a sibling, but I had many friends and cousins to play with.

 

[las3888]

I have an only child at this point. He is 20 mos. As another poster mentioned, I am 40 now too and am very frightened to try. I would worry the whole time if everything would be okay. Plus, DH is even older than me...

Since DH and I are older, we originally thought if we had any children, we would only have one. Surprisingly, after I had DS, I actually thought, well, MAYBE I would have two. However, the urge is very small. We tried once a few months ago and right away I was so worried and thought 'what did we do'!!!! Well, I didn't get pregnant and I was pretty okay with that. I guess it won't happen for me, but I hate it feeling so final in a way. I just got done packing more of my son's outgrown clothes away. I haven't parted with hardly a thing of his. I just can't do it. Have others experienced this? Will I get over it!???

I do worry about him not having a sibling. Part of me thinks without a sibling, he will be that much closer to DH and I, but siblings are nice in alot of ways. I guess there are pro's and con's to everything.

 

[Cinderumbrella]

You guys are the best!

I too deal with family who tells me that I cannot just have one. They think it is selfish and wrong to do to a child. "A child needs a sibling" they say. But like what was posted earlier, just because he has a sibling does not mean they will get along. I know that.

I will try my best to stop worrying about it but it is so hard. Moms worry!

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that! I am a mother of 1, Kyle, who was 3 in June. I have known almost from the beginning that our little family of 3 is just right for us. I did not have a tough pregnancy or childbirth (quite the opposite)- I just love my family as it is and can't imagine that we will add to it any time soon. (But never say never )

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hi there,

I can feel for you. I am a mother of 2 but wanted a family of 6. Like you, my 2nd pregnancy was very very bad and I decided to stop at 2 intead of trying for a 3rd and taking a chance with all of our futures. This was a hard decision but now I can't imagine us being any other way. DH's sister is probably stopping at 1 and no-one here is pressuring her any other way. I'm behind her 100% whatever she chooses.

Whatever feels perfect for you IS perfect for you. Don't worry about the rest of the world, unless the rest of the world plans on stopping by for the extra feedings & diaper changes & homework & playdates etc an additional child will bring(as if ). A second child is way more than twice the work so I wouldn't recommend doing it unless you are 100% sure.

Enjoy your life & your family.
There is no such thing as perfect...just perfect for you.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I have an only child at this point. He is 20 mos. As another poster mentioned, I am 40 now too and am very frightened to try. I would worry the whole time if everything would be okay. Plus, DH is even older than me...

Since DH and I are older, we originally thought if we had any children, we would only have one. Surprisingly, after I had DS, I actually thought, well, MAYBE I would have two. However, the urge is very small. We tried once a few months ago and right away I was so worried and thought 'what did we do'!!!! Well, I didn't get pregnant and I was pretty okay with that. I guess it won't happen for me, but I hate it feeling so final in a way. I just got done packing more of my son's outgrown clothes away. I haven't parted with hardly a thing of his. I just can't do it. Have others experienced this? Will I get over it!???

I do worry about him not having a sibling. Part of me thinks without a sibling, he will be that much closer to DH and I, but siblings are nice in alot of ways. I guess there are pro's and con's to everything.

I don't throw anything away. I have portfolios that I get from an Art store each year and keep of all my childrens school work. When 1 year passes the old one goes into the basement and a new portfolio goes up. When it gets too full I thin it out by removing duplicates. I give some of my kids clothes away but keep all the 'signature' outfits that stand out in my mind. Its all packed neatly away in big plastic blue boxes stored on shelves in my basement. I'm sure my kids will tease me about this as they get older but so what?

I never thought of this as having a hard time letting go, its just me & who I am. If keeping the stuff makes you happy, keep it. I have no intention of changing my ways...and neither should you

 

[dzorn]

You need to make a choice you and your spouse will be happy with. DH wanted two, I probably would have chosen another. But we made the decision together.

Denise in MI

 

[penguin087]

I have 1 child. I never planned on only having 1 but that is what worked out for me. One day I looked around at my life and said "I am happy and don't want another child". My son is almost 13. Don't get me wrong I have a pang now and then when I hold a baby but it is more of a desire to volunteer to baby-sit than a desire to get pregnant!

 

[laluna]

Hi; felt I had to reply because Connorlevismom sounds so similar to me and hope I can help. I had my DD in Nov 2001; awful pregnancy and delivery followed by postnatal depression for 18 months, but oh how happy I was with my little girl. Smitten to pieces! But I completely beat myself up over the fact that I didn't have the urge to have any more. People around me were having what seemed to be the obligatory 2 yr age gap and I just didn't want it, although I felt such guilt because I felt I should have wanted it. My OH was happy with the way things were. Then things just started to change. I just felt ready to have another. I unfortunately had a miscarriage which was horrendous but in July gave birth to my beautiful DS. I am the happest Mummy in the world! I guess what I am trying to say is why the rush? There is nothing wrong in waiting a while until you are ready. 0-5 yrs is so critical and I am happy that I was able to give my DD all of me during this time. Now she has started school, I can go towards achieving the same with DS. Your feelings may change; doesn't matter if they dont. Dont be afraid of having a bigger gap nor be afraid of having just your son. The fact that you have posted here means that you are aware and that you really care: he will never lose out because he doesn't have any siblings. I think that you are just not ready yet. You will know if and when you are.

Laluna

 

[ilovejack02]

Another thing to consider is that an only child has no siblings to lean on when the parents get older/pass away. In an extreme example, I am watching my friend trying to support his fragile mom and two aunts who never had children. He has no siblings and is trying to help 3 elderly relatives.

Disclaimer: I have two kids

I am an only child and am really not worried about that, I have several close cousins and very close friends that will help me when the time comes. I will also do the same for them.

I am an only child and love it! I had a happy childhood and loved being the apple of my parents eye and at 33 I still do! I would HATE to have to share my mom with anyone lol!!! I did miss the big family christmas get togethers that my friends had, (i lived in a VERY Catholic cajun town so you can imagine how big these families were LOL) Our relatives lived out of town, but i had tons of friends and I was ALWAYS running to a friends house, when i felt the need to have other kids around and my parents were happy to let me do that and happy to let me have a household of kiddies over all the time.
Now all our family is back in one town, so my girl cousins are super duper close, its like having sisters.
I am the mother of 1 ( i do have a stepson but he is 17.5 so he and little one arent of playmate age) I am going through the do i or dont i have another.. and half the thing that comes back to me is the cost of another. Dont sweat it now.. you can always do it later if the urge really hits you.

 

[devotedchristian]

I have an Only Child By Choice. I LOVE having an Only Child and I have ZERO desire to parent another one.

DS is 3 is and I finally feel like I can *live* again. Does that make sense?

No more Colic, Teething, worry about SIDS, Colic, Teething (ugh!) Post Partum Depression, Anxiousness, Worrying about this or that...ALLLL of that is behind me now.

I feel so strongly about it just the THOUGHT of having another child completely stresses me out.

Don't even get me started on Siblings cause...My Best Friend of 20 years is more of a Sister to me than ANY of my 5 Siblings together.

My Mom has horrible experiences with her Siblings. It is NOT a gurantee that Siblings will be best friends.

I have a friend who only wanted One Child...got preganant and had her second child because everyone told her "you gotta give DS a sibling" AND she did...she is so miserable because her heart is simply NOT into Parenting 2 kids...

Every time we get together she breaks down and cries and says she is just not a good Mom to 2. I told her she has got to seek counseling because it is simply NOT healthy for her. She is getting severely depressed.

It is not fair to her daughter (the second child).

Providing a sibling for your first born is not a good enough reason to have another child.

Please do so because You and Your Spouse want one.

 

[hjssk8]

I agree with what others have said about doing what is right for you. When I was growing up I said I wanted three kids. When I had my daughter, who just turned six, I decided one is enough. The people I know would keep asking me when I was going to have another. I am perfectly happy having my little family of just myself and my daughter. While I enjoy looking at and holding babies I just have no desire to have any more.

 

[bubba]

Don't let ANYONE, parents, siblings, or well meaning friends make you feel guilty about your choice. It's all well and good that THEY think you should have more than one child. However, they don't have to go through the process ! They don;t have to be the parents. They are the favorite aunt or uncle or granny who has fun with the kids once in a while and then sends them home to mummy. You are making the choice that is best for you and, while they may disagree with it for now, they will appreciate what a wonderful mum you are to the child you do have.

 

[Fintastic]

Hi Kristine! I thought this post was familiar. I responded to you on that other board. I changed my username here for various reasons, but this is Maya's mom.

DD just turned 3 and I haven't had a single pinch of baby fever since she was born. I hold friends' babies, enjoy them, and then I'm very relieved to give them back. A few months ago a friend of mine had a baby and I visited her in the hospital. Just the smell of the hospital made me have a tiny anxiety attack right there. And I didn't have a bad delivery - long, but not bad. It's just that I associated the smell of the hospital with the beginning of the newborn phase and changing my life forever, blah blah blah. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

I haven't ruled out a second but I'm not in any hurry, either.

 

[connorlevismom]

Hi Kristine! I thought this post was familiar. I responded to you on that other board. I changed my username here for various reasons, but this is Maya's mom.

Well hello! Small world huh? I am glad that you responded to me as I think that you and I have a lot in common on this issue. I have been reading your thoughts about this subject and they are almost word for word how I am feeling. Thanks for saying hello! I love the DIS boards!

Kristine