Feeling guilty because I only want one child

[connorlevismom]

I have been having this internal struggle for months now and I just need to get it out. We have one son who will be 3 in February. I have been waiting for the baby fever to kick in and figured that for sure it would be in full gear by the time Connor turned 3. The fact of the matter is this, it is non-existant. I was not a big fan of being pregnant or giving birth so I am not in a huge hurry to do either of those again. But for some reason I just feel like maybe I just want one child.

So I have been going through these feelings of complete guilt about it. I feel like if I don't give Connor at least one sibling I am robbing him. I am the youngest of 7 and I do love my big family (at times). But seriously, that is the only reason that I can come up with to have another kid. And to me that is just not a good enough reason to bring another life into the world. I am afraid that if I do that for the sole purpose of giving Connor is sibling, I would either regret it or would resent that child. But then part of me thinks that I just had a bad pregnancy and a bad birth and it won't be like that next time. But what if it is? I am driving myself crazy over this!

Has anyone gone through this? Do you think that eventually I will want another child? What if I don't, am I robbing Connor?

I am sorry for the rambling but I just cannot talk to anyone in my "real" life about it because they think that it is selfish to not give him a sibling.

Kristine

 

[megan2346]

Don't feel bad I'm an only child and had a great childhood. Sometimes as I child I would say I wanted a brother or sister but looking back I did so many things I would never have been able to do if I had a sibling. My parents raised me not to be a spoiled only child (which I am not). Coming from such a big family your son will have a lot of people around him to love and play with him. Don't feel bad there is nothing wrong with wanting one.
Megan

 

[atisikitabasket]

I too have a 3 year old Connor who will be 4 in December. I had a very rough pregnancy and delivery and have been waiting for the right time to have another then I realized I was we could have another anytime I was just content with doing everything with Connor . We then got to thinking about maybe trying and I was a little scared but right off the bat I was pregnant. Actually we only tried once then decided to wait a couple more months but it was already done. I then went on a shopping spree I was so excited about having another one. Then I miscarried. I was devastated. I now know for a fact I do want more but it just took a little push for me to realize it. Now I can't wait!

There is no rule that says you have to have kids let a lone a rule that says how many you have to have. You need to do what is best for you and your family. And just cherrish all the good things you have.

 

[thirtycats]

I have one child.

I planned to have 3, but the day my son was born, I knew I wanted only one. And it wasn't about a painful childbirth or anything like that. I just knew in my heart I wanted to be a family of 3.

I love having only one child. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

The whole sibling thing? Not all siblings have great relationships. Not all siblings end up as best friends?

Sometimes, I fall into the trap of thinking..."If we had another baby, there'd be a built in playmate for our ds." But that's not true. There's no guarantee that they will get along or play with each other.

Plus, I don't think bringing a child into the world just to be a companion for another child is a good thing.

A child should be brought into the world because the PARENTS want it.


On a VERY VERY superficial note....having one child is nice in terms of WDW. Cheaper to fly. Don't have to worry about getting suites or multiple hotel rooms to fit the big family.

Of course, having more than one child can be wonderful too. And I'm sure there are lots of benefits.

I think every size family is fine. 10 children. 5 children. One child. No children. The best circumstance is when the family has the amount of children they want. What's harder is when you don't get what they want. The couple who wants no children and ends up with one. The family who wants a second child, but can't have one. The couple who wants children but can't get pregnant, etc.

 

[Skyw]

I ,also, am going to have only one child. I have a son who is 3 now. I am an older mom (40) so I don't even want to take a chance at another....even if that is what I wanted!!!! I see the other moms at nursery school with new borns in tow and it is a lovely picture. Just not a picture for me. I do worry about my son being spoiled too. But not enough to have another one. Relax. I have always said that if the urge hits me again.....I will adopt. There are plenty of kids in the world that need love too.

 

[Brian Noble]

Every family is different, and there are advantages and disadvantages to every family composition. Just go with your heart--there is no need to feel guilty about your decisions.

 

[liznboys]

Every family is different, and there are advantages and disadvantages to every family composition. Just go with your heart--there is no need to feel guilty about your decisions.

I totally agree. There are pros and cons to EVERY type of family...no kids, 1 kid, twenty kids... It's all good..and bad! lol you know what I mean. Good luck

 

[It's A Happy Day]

How many children or even if you have children is "what feels right to you"

Hours aftter I delivered my son I looked at my DH and said I'd do this again. After my DD I was content in the decision we would be a family of 4. People were astonished that after my second - we have a boy & a girl - that I had a tubal ligation. After 2 high risk pregnancies - toxemia with both and gestational diabetes with #2 and 2 inductions 4 weeks prior to my due date because of those issues it was not worth it to have more. People thought what if you decide later on you want a 3rd, etc. Well I have never regretted my decision and it still feels like the right decision for us. I couldn't imagine the time and $$$ it costs for more than that but that is me.

You need to feel comfortable with your decision and know that it is right for your family. If you are thinking maybe only 1 then have only 1. Don't do any permanent things to deter you from later having a child if you are not positive. As far as having a sibling I'm sure many on these boards would have pros and cons on that issue

 

[rt2dz]

I have 3 and am working on #4. Do I feel guilty for having more than 2? NO!

Everyone has there own magic number and you have to go with what is right for YOU. I completely understand bad pregnancies & deliveries (I HATE that part with a passion), but am willing to go through it again. But that is me. It isn't for everyone.

Your only will be just fine. As well as a child who grows up with 8 siblings. Whatever your family is, it will work--because it is what is right for YOU and YOUR family. THAT is why it works.

 

[Karibeth19]

I have one child.

I planned to have 3, but the day my son was born, I knew I wanted only one. And it wasn't about a painful childbirth or anything like that. I just knew in my heart I wanted to be a family of 3.

I love having only one child. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

The whole sibling thing? Not all siblings have great relationships. Not all siblings end up as best friends?

Sometimes, I fall into the trap of thinking..."If we had another baby, there'd be a built in playmate for our ds." But that's not true. There's no guarantee that they will get along or play with each other.

Plus, I don't think bringing a child into the world just to be a companion for another child is a good thing.

A child should be brought into the world because the PARENTS want it.


On a VERY VERY superficial note....having one child is nice in terms of WDW. Cheaper to fly. Don't have to worry about getting suites or multiple hotel rooms to fit the big family.

Of course, having more than one child can be wonderful too. And I'm sure there are lots of benefits.

I think every size family is fine. 10 children. 5 children. One child. No children. The best circumstance is when the family has the amount of children they want. What's harder is when you don't get what they want. The couple who wants no children and ends up with one. The family who wants a second child, but can't have one. The couple who wants children but can't get pregnant, etc.

As an only child myself, and the mother of an only child, I completely agree with everything Thirtycats said, and couldn't have said it any better!

 

[bopper]

Is it that you don't want two kids or you don't want a second pregnancy?
The pregnancy will be over soon enough, but the sibling will last a lifetime!
Have you talked to your DH about this? What does he think? If he wants more kids, is he willing to support you more during pregnancy?

Another thing to consider is that an only child has no siblings to lean on when the parents get older/pass away. In an extreme example, I am watching my friend trying to support his fragile mom and two aunts who never had children. He has no siblings and is trying to help 3 elderly relatives.

On a another very very superficial note, many things are set up for families of four so it is quite convenient (cars, tables at restaurants, WDW rides, etc.)

Disclaimer: I have two kids

 

[tpayne]

Never feel guilty about not having children if you are happy without them.

 

[wrldpossibility]

I have one child.

I planned to have 3, but the day my son was born, I knew I wanted only one. And it wasn't about a painful childbirth or anything like that. I just knew in my heart I wanted to be a family of 3.

I love having only one child. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

The whole sibling thing? Not all siblings have great relationships. Not all siblings end up as best friends?

Sometimes, I fall into the trap of thinking..."If we had another baby, there'd be a built in playmate for our ds." But that's not true. There's no guarantee that they will get along or play with each other.

Plus, I don't think bringing a child into the world just to be a companion for another child is a good thing.

A child should be brought into the world because the PARENTS want it.


On a VERY VERY superficial note....having one child is nice in terms of WDW. Cheaper to fly. Don't have to worry about getting suites or multiple hotel rooms to fit the big family.

Of course, having more than one child can be wonderful too. And I'm sure there are lots of benefits.

I think every size family is fine. 10 children. 5 children. One child. No children. The best circumstance is when the family has the amount of children they want. What's harder is when you don't get what they want. The couple who wants no children and ends up with one. The family who wants a second child, but can't have one. The couple who wants children but can't get pregnant, etc.

Exactly. Don't ever have a child for any other reason than that you and your spouse sincerely desire him or her. If you are at peace about having only 1, then have only 1. The problem is, you don't seem at peace. So I'd ask myself:

1. Is it the child you don't desire, or the pregnancy? If it's just the pregnancy, that will be over soon enough. Even if it's just the difficult first years, they will be over soon enough. Look at the big picture.

2. Is it that you don't think you'll love another child as much? Because I'm sure you've heard that yes, you will love a second just as much.

3. Is it that you think your family dynamics will change for the worse? Having another WILL change the dynamics in your family. Your relationship with your son will change a bit. But he will have another relationship too.

Everyone has a stopping point, I think. Either they find it (I realized as soon as I had #3 that I was without a doubt DONE, and have not changed my mind), or they always wish for that number they desire (whether they stopped on their own or couldn't have more for whatever reason). You just have to find that number. For you, it may be 1, but since you're not sure, I'd wait awhile and just try not to think about it. See if you continue to be content with only 1.

There are certainly pros and cons to having only 1. You can give him a lot more, but siblings are a gift too. There's no right or wrong.

 

[Denine]

I always wanted 2 children. Our one and only is adopted. And, while I could adopt another, I am very happy with 1 child. Go with what your gut tells you.

 

[grlzmom]

I have one child.

I planned to have 3, but the day my son was born, I knew I wanted only one. And it wasn't about a painful childbirth or anything like that. I just knew in my heart I wanted to be a family of 3.

I love having only one child. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

The whole sibling thing? Not all siblings have great relationships. Not all siblings end up as best friends?

Sometimes, I fall into the trap of thinking..."If we had another baby, there'd be a built in playmate for our ds." But that's not true. There's no guarantee that they will get along or play with each other.

Plus, I don't think bringing a child into the world just to be a companion for another child is a good thing.

A child should be brought into the world because the PARENTS want it.


On a VERY VERY superficial note....having one child is nice in terms of WDW. Cheaper to fly. Don't have to worry about getting suites or multiple hotel rooms to fit the big family.

Of course, having more than one child can be wonderful too. And I'm sure there are lots of benefits.

I think every size family is fine. 10 children. 5 children. One child. No children. The best circumstance is when the family has the amount of children they want. What's harder is when you don't get what they want. The couple who wants no children and ends up with one. The family who wants a second child, but can't have one. The couple who wants children but can't get pregnant, etc.

I am mom to SEVEN and I agree with all of this.

You need to be happy with your choice

 

[Sandy22]

I was not a big fan of being pregnant or giving birth so I am not in a huge hurry to do either of those again.

You could always adopt if you don't want to give birth again but still want to parent another child.

 

[writersblock42]

Don't feel guilty about having only one child. WIth one child, you can give more attention to one child. I can't have any more children (or at least haven't been able to) and have come to grips with the benefits of having only one child. We don't have conflicts over which game to see or whose event to attend, we are more financially stable and so forth. Yes, I would love to have another child but have to be content with what I have.

 

[jnordan]

I think your decision is fine! If that becomes your final decision, of course! You just can't live life on "what ifs" because there's no guarantee about how anything will turn out anyways. You should think about what's really right for you, follow that, and love your child(ren) as much as you possibly can. Simple! And you know, the world will thank you -- you're aiding sustainability!

 

[connorlevismom]

Thank you all for all your support and advice. You are all right. I need to just relax and enjoy life with Connor now. Stop worrying about the future. I guess like the PP said I feel like I should have the fever because most of the moms with kids his age are pregnant or already have another one. I just thought that maybe there was something wrong with me that I did not.

But when I really look at it, I am really content with what we have going right now and if we never have another child it will be OK. Connor will not be mentally scared from it. If we do decide we want to have another, great! I know that we will love that child just as much. But I want to have another because Tim and I want one, not because of guilt. That would be a bad idea.

Kristine

 

[robinb]

I guess like the PP said I feel like I should have the fever because most of the moms with kids his age are pregnant or already have another one. I just thought that maybe there was something wrong with me that I did not.

As the happy parent of an one-and-only child, I always thought that the moms at pre-school who got pregnant while trying to chase a toddler where the crazy ones. Of course, everyone makes their own decisions and I am sure that many of them thought I was the crazy one . Don't base your feelings on what other parents feel are right for their family.