Father refusing hospice care!

[jodifla]

My dad's ALF called to say they felt it was time to call in hospice as his cancer pain is increasing.

Hospice came, explained what they did, and he basically said, "thanks, but no thanks."

I got down to his place quickly for about 24 hours, and it's true, he's in a great deal of pain. I'm not sure what's behind his decision, but I would guess he doesn't want to feel he's that close to the end. Dad doesn't like to talk over that kind of stuff with me.

And to top things off, I just found out an hour ago his ALF has been sold as of Monday! I picked it because it was family run, now I find out that a corporation is running the place. The adminstrator I'd been relying on heavily is gone!

Ugh. Anyone else's loved one decide to go without hospice care?

 

[littleteapot]

My Mom was doing all my Dad's care. Thank G*d for hospice. Could you speak with the hospice rep? Perhaps something can be worked out. Do you have a medical POA?

 

[disneynutt1225]

No advice at all. Just a

 

[KirstenB]

I'm really sorry. I've heard wonderful things about how compassionate hospice is. I hope he changes his mind.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

 

[mzzzh]

No advice here either....but I will commiserate with you. My Mom really should not be living on her own but won't consider an ALF. Mentally she's okay (she still balances her checkbook, who does that anymore) but physically she can hardly walk. Whole situation is a train wreck waiting to happen.....

 

[Claymax]

Best thoughts for your dad and you.

Perhaps he just doesn't want another change in his life right now. He'd have to move I am guessing, meet new folks in the same situation as he is and get used to a new place. He may have friends there at the ALF he would miss too. It could be something else entirely but moving stinks and most of us avoid change. Just thinking out loud here of course.

There's a special place in Heaven for the Hospice folks.

 

[DisMN]

My father refused the service of hospice too....let's face it having hospice means the beginning of the end, not something everyone can deal with.

Good luck to you.

 

[Teacher03]

I hope your dad changes his mind. Hospice was a godsend for my mother. The nurse she had was wonderful-she even came to the house on New Year's Eve when my mom passed away. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

 

[minniecarousel]

I don't have any suggestions - just a {{{{{{HUG}}}}} for you.

(what's an ALF?)

 

[GraysMom]

I don't have any suggestions - just a {{{{{{HUG}}}}} for you.

(what's an ALF?)

I'm guessing it's an Assisted Living Facility.

Hugs to you Jodi. I wish my grandparents would go into a nursing home (GM's health is beyond what AL would accept) but they absolutely refuse to leave their farm. It's a very frustrating situation for those of us trying to help them isn't it?

 

[daisy2]

I am so sorry about your dad. My grandfather was a very stubborn man. And he refused pain medication also through hospice. My grandfather fought till the very end. But the pain took over and he did not refuse it anymore. I think he came to the conclusion that he knew he was going to die and wanted to be in no pain. I can say that he was a very happy and gentle man before he died. He was smiling and in no pain. I am sure your dad will make the right decision when it's time. My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[Cool-Beans]

My Mom was doing all my Dad's care. Thank G*d for hospice. Could you speak with the hospice rep? Perhaps something can be worked out. Do you have a medical POA?

The POA allows you to make decisions for someone when they are unable to make them for themselves. It does not allow you to over-ride decisions you just don't like or agree with. If the guy doesn't want hospice care, that's his right.

OP, I worked hospice for years. A LOT of people - men especially - turn down care at first and then accept it later. They all have their reasons. Let him sit with it a bit.

I will say a prayer for your father and for you.

 

[tngramma]

I'm guessing it's an Assisted Living Facility.

Hugs to you Jodi. I wish my grandparents would go into a nursing home (GM's health is beyond what AL would accept) but they absolutely refuse to leave their farm. It's a very frustrating situation for those of us trying to help them isn't it?

We just admitted DM to a nursing home. She is great physical health but mentally (alzhimer) she needs much care. It is not an easy decision but we do feel she is being well cared for.

OP give him a little time. My DB passed away at age 41 after fighting cancer for 13 years. At first he did not want hospice either but after some time he accepted their help and we had one of the best women in the world helping us. DB passed away the day after Christmas and she was there soon after we called her.

Sending hugs your way.

 

[jodifla]

Thanks everyone for their kind thoughts and replies.

I do have a power of attorney, health surrogate and my dad has a living will. But like Cool-Beans said, I can't over ride his wishes.

It's good to hear that people change their minds as their time comes.

 

[LakeAriel]

My Mom died in Calvary Hospital in NYC which was for the terminally ill. Her lung cancer had spread to her brain so she didn't know where she was going. Had she, she would have fought..It must be very scary for him to hear those words "hospice care". Give him time and hope he allows for whatever relief is available. This is a terrible time for all of you.

 

[DVC-Don]

We've used Hospice for relatives 3 times and I can not imagine going through those times without them.

 

[jodifla]

We've used Hospice for relatives 3 times and I can not imagine going through those times without them.

Yes. I'm am currently living bout 1,200 miles from my dad so no one is by his side on a consistent basis. That's part of what worries me! I mean the ALF staff is there, but no one to truly comfort him or take care of his pain.

 

[Banshee]

My dad had a hard time with hospice though he didn't refuse it. He said "I know I am dying but having this person here everyday just reminds me that is sooner rather than later." You know your dad try to talk with him and tell him they do help with the pain why suffer? They were a godsend for my dad he was in excruciating pain and the last 2 weeks of his life we got to spend lot's of time with him not in pain and smiling and imparting his wisdom to us. He talked about his childhood and talked about his hopes and dreams for us and his grandkids. He was to a point that with his pain management that I (being in denial) thought he was getting better. I regret now feeling that way because when he would talk to me about dying trying to help me deal with it I would get upset. I look back now and wish I had just shut up and listened. Half way through his second week with hospice he went into a coma then 2 days later he was gone. The hospice folks were so good with us too I was pregnant with DD at the time and they were always telling me to sit relax put your feet up. I am sorry about you're dad. I hope it all works out for you guys.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am sending good thoughts to you. I am also guessing he will change his mind once he realizes who difficult his care will be for his family. I can't blame him for not wanting to accept the inevitable right away, either.

Denae