Fat As An Emotional Shield?

[becka]

I am not exactly sure why I want to share this or even why I was thinking about all of this in the first place but perhaps by me sharing my rambling thoughts others here might see something in themselves as well.

I was trying to go to sleep last night (which I really needed since we are going out of town this weekend) but for some reason I could not sleep and my mind started thinking about how and why I have let myself get so big. Whether I was really having some kind of an epiphany or if I was in a sleepy fog - I might never know but this is what was going on in my head.

I think that I have used my weight as a kind of "emotional shield" for lack of a better term. My weight makes me unattractive and I think I use that as a way for me to deal with my insecurities about myself. If I am unattractive and overweight then how could I really expect anyone to like me? If someone doesn't like me then I can just chalk it up to my looks and I don't have to think about it being some other kind of personality flaw. I have
always been a "people-pleaser" type and I always wanted everyone to like me and maybe my weight is just my way of trying to deal with the pain of others not liking me? I want
everyone to like me and it hurts to think of someone who doesn't. I eat so I don't have to get hurt....but I get hurt by being so overweight so I eat some more to not get hurt, etc..

Now that I have "discovered" this I really don't know what to do about it. Is being aware of this tendency all that I need to do to help overcome it? Am I just making excuses for myself making poor choices? Did I drink too much Diet Pepsi last night before bed and it made me a little loopy?

 

[yasuern]

Hi Becka,

I think most of us that are overweight have some kind of emotional need for the food. We eat when sad or lonely or scared or a thousand other reasons instead of trying to figure and deal with what it is that is making us feel this way.

I'll open up that when I was very young I lost my Mother and Father 6 months apart and was then raised by my well meaning but alchololic sister who is 10 yrs older than I am. We moved a lot.

I lived the first 11years in one place and from age 11 to 18 I lived in 10 different places - everytime I made friends we moved - I thank GOD for the friends that I made when I was young and am still close to today, And My DH! and 2 Beautiful chlidren! I am Blessed in this way!

So I would/willl eat when I am in new situations, afraid, or sad - I am continueing to make strides to defeating these habits and being able to share experiences with my fellow Diser' here on the WISH board just keeps me focused on my goals!

So yes knowing why we overeat is half the battle - dealing with this knowledge is the other half. Like yourself - to heck with what anyone else thinks - Each of us is unique and special in some way - Be yourself -

 

[TigH]

(((((((((((Becka))))))))))))))

Well then I must have been drinking too much diet pepsi in the past too. I could have TOTALLY written what you wrote! Yes, you did have an epiphany! YES, you could be right about using fat as an emotional shield! And as a punishment too, as a way to "punish" yourself for not being good enough or worthy of feeling good about yourself.

I had no idea you felt like that, you seem like such a confident person, like someone who can stand on her own and doesn't give a hoot what anyone says or thinks about her. I am a total people pleaser and I hate to think that anyone might not like me (but I'm learning to not care what other people think about me).

So now that you have had this major discovery, you have to ask yourself what you are going to do about it! Obviously continuing with WW is a great idea, because in the end you will feel better physically and hopefully that will allow you to feel more comfortable with yourself and maybe break down that wall you've put up to protect yourself from hurt feelings.

What do you think about self help books? Have you ever thought about getting something like that to help you feel better about you, and to maybe unburden yourself a little (do you say yes to people when you mean to say no?) Maybe you can find a way to set boundaries in your life so there is more time for you to do what you want without feeling the guilt of not pleasing someone else. Oprah had a lady on a while ago (Sarah Ban Breathnack? something like that) who had a really good book out. Not a "fix yourself" book but just her own musings about life and how she has learned to feel good about who she is.

I could really write a huge message, there is so much to cover when it comes to learning to love and accept ourselves and let the "real" us shine through for everyone to see. I think you are right about using weight as an emotional shield though. I can see how many times in the past I have turned to food to feel better about myself, but also to punish myself for not being "good enough" or not being "worthy" of feeling good or looking how I wanted to look. ha ha, I'm sure this is sharing TOO MUCH of my thoughts! Well, anyway, just wanted to say you are not alone. And the Becka I see is a very funny, very caring and confident and wonderful person.

 

[KathyTX]

Originally posted by becka
Now that I have "discovered" this I really don't know what to do about it. Is being aware of this tendency all that I need to do to help overcome it? Am I just making excuses for myself making poor choices? Did I drink too much Diet Pepsi last night before bed and it made me a little loopy?

Becka, you probably know that this is a very common reason for overeating, but now you recognize that this seems to be YOUR reason. I think this is a very powerful discovery, and now you'll be able to ponder the cause and try to identify ways to combat it that work for YOU. I don't think that simply being aware of it will solve it, but the awareness should help you identify ways to change the behavior...

Like the others here, I see a very intelligent and strong woman in your posts. But you've also shown us glimpses of the hurt and disappointment that others can inflict. (Those who are closest to us can hurt us the most.)

There are so many reasons we overeat- the emotional shield, to fill an emotional void, boredom, entertainment... our psyches are quite complex, and it's often difficult for us to truly see ourselves.

You're not making excuses at all- you're getting down to identifying CAUSE!!! The first critical step to solving any problem.

You may also be loopy from the Diet Pepsi, but that's a completely unrelated problem!

 

[nativetxn]

Becka, you love everyone in the world except yourself. How can we help you realize what a wonderful person you are?

You can change your mindset if you want, really you can. It will take dedication and practice but you <i>can</i> replace your negative attitude about yourself with self respect. All of your WISH friends are willing to help you do that, are you willing to try?

You are an intelligent, competent, sensitive, caring, thoughtful and helpful human being. You are a beautiful woman who has locked herself in an overweight shell. You have effectively put yourself in prison. Are you ready to break out of there? Are you ready to find more joy in living? Are you willing to trade comfort foods and perceived safety of extra pounds for freedom, self respect and fun? You won't be able to lose your weight until you are ready you know. Only <i>you</i> can decide when you are ready to succeed once and for all.

I want you to think about one more little thing. We can only lose weight for ourselves. We can't lose weight because our husbands, parents, siblings or friends tell us we need to do it. This is one situation in life where it truly is "all about me" (in your case, of course, it's all about you ) So, think about that for a little while. Are you the one who wants to lose weight or are you trying to lose weight for someone else.

Your self loathing is going to affect our Nathan, you know. Just think of the conflicting messages you are sending to him. He loves you more than anyone else in the world and you don't like yourself, that is going to get confusing for him later.

I know that I pick on myself sometimes. That is my self defense mechanism. If I make fun of myself no one else will have a chance to do that. The truth is that I really do like myself. Don't let my teasing fool you. I have good points and bad points just like everyone else and so do you. I like you Becka, I sure wish you liked <i>yourself</i>.

Hang in there. We're going to work on this together. Project Becka

Katholyn

 

[Luvinit]

{{{{hugs}}}

Becka....Wow...I hope you are feeling good about yourself today. You have really discovered something important about yourself...people spend alot of $$$ in therapy for a long time and don't ever realize why they overeat. You just needed a couple of diet pepsi's (maybe I should switch from diet coke...lol).


First let me tell you that I like you alot. You have been very helpful to me around here (I miss you when you take a break). And think of this...you have SUCH a BEAUTIFUL little boy...you need to "fix" (not that I think you are broken, just cant find a better word), what you have going on so you can give Nathan a BETTER future so he NEVER has to deal with this issue. USE him as your motivation. God gave you such a precious little boy for a reason. Maybe this is one of them???

Do NOT be afraid to seek out help. A good therapist can do wonders for someone who is OPEN to learning. Or like Karen said...check out some "self help" books. If you are OPEN to it...you will figure out alot

I wish you the BEST of Luck...and PLEASE keep us updated...this really is a GOOD thing.

Tracy

 

[glo]

Becka, I know I could have written everything you wrote. For me it was a way of shielding myself from having to interact with others. My excuses varied from nothing to wear, to feeling out of place with young thin people. I know it was definitely a shield for me, and one I have yet to get rid of. Not that I wanted to be big...I didn't, but there was safety in that fact too. Did not have to worry about being attractive to men...I was divorced, and the dating scene scared me to death. If I was big, then I would not have to worry about rejection, because I knew no one would want someone who looked like me. I used my size as an excuse not to go to the beach with friends, or dinner parties. Funny thing is, I am now much thinner, but my mindset hasn't changed much. I know I have to work on it....Good luck sweetie, you are awesome and you should believe that....we do

 

[firecracker]

Well, Becka, I'm new here and don't really "know" you, but I completely understand your post because I, too, could have written it. I don't know how many times I've laid in bed evaluating my "situation" and resolving to "fix" it...it's so great to have a support group like WISH to come and write it all out!

Now, at the risk of getting flamed, I would suggest that when you begin to recognize when/why you overeat, you also find an alternative activity to replace it and a permanent solution to the problem.

I have participated in Weigh Down Workshop, which is a Christian organization that helped me so much. I know at least one other person on the board that uses Weigh Down for weight loss. As a Christian, I began to realize that I was using food to make me feel better, console me, comfort me, etc. instead of talking to God about those emotions/problems/happinesses. HE wants to fill that void in me and I use food as a replacement. I should use food ONLY as fuel to keep me alive. HE should be the source of joy and fulfillment, not food.

DISCLAIMER: I'm only speaking of my personal relationship with God. This is not intended as a sermon or commentary on anyone else's choice of Deity.

Anyway, if you don't find something else to fill the void that food used to fill, it will be nearly impossible not to revert back. It's so great to find the SOURCE of the problem, and it's also important to find the right solution.

I'm not there yet! It's an ongoing battle of my will...which is why filling myself up with "I'm so great, I'm such an awesome person" doesn't completely work for me. I blow it so much! I can't keep cheering myself on when I know I'm a failure sometimes. That's why I've got to look to someone who's bigger and stronger that me.

OK--sermon's over. Turn in your hymnals to page #268, we'll sing the first and the last verses!

Carmen

 

[ohiominnie]

becka,
I read your post and thought about all of the things I could tell you, but, honestly, I was unsure about even bringing them up here on WISH. See, I'm on a "weird" plan. I don't "fit in" with all the point counting, carb counting, calorie counting people. I have in the past felt so alone on WISH even though it's not anyone intention to make me feel that way. I know several times when I've mentioned my program I've gotten replies like "well, whatever works for you is great, but it wouldn't work for most." Well, I'm not afraid to say this now and if anyone has a problem with it, then so be it. It will not affect me.

Then.... I read Carmen's response.....first, I was overjoyed by seeing that there was actually someone else out there who has at least TRIED Weigh Down. Next, it made me really want to tell you what I originally wanted to, because I've felt things in the past as you do now.

So here I go...
Weigh Down explains it in this way.....You have two holes in your body that need to be fed. One is your stomach. That requires food for nutrition of your body. The other is your heart. That requires you to feed it with God's love. God has created in each of us the desire to worship Him, but too often we either don't know that, or we put our own desires of the flesh first. So we feed our heart hole with physical things.....food, alcohol, drugs, sexual things, etc. Your heart can only be totally filled by God who will love you no matter what. Wanting others to love you will only leave that heart empty and hurting....that's how we humans are!
That's why with this program you only feed your stomach, and only when it's empty and hungry (growling) You don't feed your stomach when you are sad, depressed, bored, or any other time....it's those times that God wants you to turn to Him, not to the food to find comfort. If you turn to food, it may make you feel better temporarily, but not for long. Usually it just adds to the pain and guilt.
I know it's a radical concept. It's so unlike the diets of today. Diet aids and special foods are a multi billion dollar business every year. And for what? So people can be consumed about thinking about how much of what foods they can eat or how much do they need to exercise so that they can justify eating something else? I'll tell you, the first time I took the program, it was $103 ....and I probably saved that in groceries over the course of a month....why? because I was eating less! I realized my body did not need the massive amounts of food I was eating. As I turned to God to fill my emptiness in my heart I was better able to listen to when my stomach hole was truly empty. Satan wants you to believe you need to think about food all the time or be obsessed about thinking about it. Because he knows the more you worry about food and what you will eat, the less time you'll have to worship God.
I know it's not for everyone. Many are not open to something that doesn't require wordly concepts and ideas. There are God's rules, and then there are a bazillion man-made rules. (for example, you must eat breakfast to kick start your metabolism for the day, you must drink 8 glasses of water a day, don't eat after 8:00 pm, etc) Weigh Down teaches you not to rely on man-made rules but rather on God's rules for eating (surprisingly, the bible is chock full of scriptures on how to eat!)
Ok, Ok, I know people are going to roll their eyes at this. That's ok, because I've learned that while I enjoy the company of those on the WISH board, I do not rely on their acceptance to determine how I feel about myself. God loves me. He has given me the desire to share with others His great wonders and ultimate grace and love. I know that if I'm obedient to God, then he will bless me. Right now, he's blessing me with easy and quick weight loss and taking from me the desire to fill my heart hole with food.
Lord, I pray that you soften becka's heart to receive this information and to show her today, right now, how much you love her. Help her to shrug off the feelings of guilt and feeling unattractive. She is just as beautiful as all of your children. Let her look at Nathan and see the wonder of creation. Help her today to fill only her stomach and not her heart with food.
God bless, becka!

 

[Rajah]

Becka -- I don't have as much to say as the others who have posted already, but I will say that I think you've taken the first step. First you have to recognize and acknowledge what's going on. Now you have to want to change it. *Hugs* and prayers for you.

(Minnie: no eye-rolling from me. More eyebrow-quirking in a "oh, that's rather neat" way. )

 

[geetey]

{{{{{Becka}}}}} It sounds like you are having a wonderful breakthrough, Becka! I hope you continue to explore those feelings -- you have found the 'key' you need to complete this journey!!

{{{{OhioMinnie}}}} No weird looks from me! I certainly know I wouldn't be able to do the things I can do without the help of God. Your plan makes a lot of sense!