Farting Etiquette

[Tigger&Belle]

Now in my bodily function lexicon, a "turtle" is when you start to have a bowel movement, but the turd is not quite ready to come out, so after poking out a bit (or at least what feel like poking out a bit - I can't actually see it of course), it sucks itself back up into your butt, like a turtle retreating back into its shell.


It is so interesting to see what different people call these things!

I did NOT need to know this. I had no idea there was a name for this.

 

[tinkbutt]

too funny thanx for the link!!!!!!!

 

[denisenh]

Thinking of you all.....

http://www.toilette-humor.com/top-ten-farts.html

and Also:

Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.

Eggy Fart
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.

Windy Fart
The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.

Growling Fart
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Some how never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.

Worrying Fart
The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.

Prelude To A Poopie
You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

Compost Fart
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.

Beefy One
Sounds loud, and butch eg. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!' Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog-turd.

Present (a.k.a 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart)
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.

Squeaky Fart
Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.

Bunbuster Fart
'BRAAA!' Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your ******* smarting. You really feel these babies.

Trouser Ripping Special
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.

Escape Pod Fart
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

Brewer Fart
You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.

Sphinctal Napalm
Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Nevermind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.

Stalker Fart
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticised for poor manners.

Burble Fart
Bubbly!

On The Spot Fart
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.

Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart)
You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.

Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart)
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.

GNL Fart
Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...

Underwater Fart
Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced wind breakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.

Gunshot Fart
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report continues: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named." A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their existance.

Tandem Fart
Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.

I have never come so close to peeing my pants from laughing as I did reading this. honestly.

 

[DaParkers]

Classic thread!!

 

[swandiverpatt]

Teenage boys ... my sister said once when her son was about 14 he came running in from outside, sat on the wooden arm of a chair to let one fly with the reverberation only a wooden seat could supply. Then he added, "Man, I should have saved that one for art class!"

For some reason, my DH started calling them "ducks" when we walk at night. Well .... we had the good fortune of going to Paris one year and the ducks became "canards." So, now we announce "canards" -- mainly when we're out walking. Class, yeah, we got class!!

 

[moburg]

I'm only on page 3 so forgive me if someone else posted this. But between the tears of laughter, I remembered this gem from an email.

Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I really needed this thread! I have knee surgery in a couple of hours, so of course I can't eat anything. I was positively starving, not anymore.

My problem isn't with the human variety, it's my puppy Eragon and my cat Makya. Oh Lord, those two are world champions. Eragon sits on the couch next to my head and just lets it fly. I'll be sitting there thinking, "OMG, who just had an accident?" and I realize it's Eragon farting in my face! Makya likes to sit on my ribs at night, and he will put his butt in my face. Who knew a cat butt could smell like stinky metal?

 

[TEENEE]

I can't believe this thread has resurfaced. It's hilarious.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Oh my...my co-workers think I'm nuts (which I likely am, but that's another story).

My grandfather used to call them "Bullfrogs." He'd say, when he farted, "the bullfrogs are tuning it up tonight." Needless to say, that meant that all the grandkids immediately exited the room before gas masks were required!

My problem is not so much DH or DS as much as it is our dog. We call her the "queen of the green haze!"

 

[moburg]

Classic thread!

Thanks for bringing it back up. I've been in tears all morning!

 

[sweet angel]

I'd like to state for the record that I need my tag changed. DFi is now DH, and I have...

 

[Cantw8]

I'd like to state for the record that I need my tag changed. DFi is now DH, and I have...

Well, make sure ya put a cork in it on our cruise, Missy

 

[sweet angel]

Well, make sure ya put a cork in it on our cruise, Missy

You know you love me and my wind instruments...

 

[2x_dis_dad]

I like to get up from my desk at work and walk around the office doing a little "crop dusting" now and then. I believe in sharing with everyone...

 

[cabmom]

I had to share the story of the little boy with my coworkers. I'm in the middle of training my 2 1/2 yr old.
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!

 

[Mahnahmahnah]

This thread is just 'scusting!

And I love it!!!!

My DH's Grandma had a saying:

" A fart is a letter from poop".


Well - she actually used the "s" word....

One only needs to look at the pics in my sig to see the gas I deal with. You have not lived until you've smelled 3 pugs fart all at once. In a car. For three days, going across the country.
Special shout out to Churches Chicken: thanks buddies!

 

[KarenB]

Where have you been southern?? I miss posts like these on the DIS!!!

Karen

 

[Aardvarks]

hahahahahahahahha!!!!

Ok, my grandma would never use this word 'fart' instead she would ask if someone had Ka-furtled.

These days we use the word 'guff' but when my boys were toddlers we used to ask them which one had 'rattled a nappy' ...nappy is english for diaper.

My youngest son is a veggie and my oldest son only eats meat....which is a strange recipe for gaseous escapes.

In polite company one should 'lift a cheek' in order to subdue the noise.

A powerfull odour from a silenced 'bottom burp' is called an SBD or Silent But Deadly in the north of england

What a top thread

May all you aggressive guffers never 'follow through'

Ps when I was dating my GF way back in the day, if she guffed, she used to blame it on my brother's dog. The whole family believed that it was the dog that made this stink from hell. I still married my GF and we have been happy together for 25 years .......oh.......and I sleep with a clothes peg on my nose

 

[mumto3girls]

About once a month I have girlfriends over for a scrapbooking night in our gameroom. One night a few years ago before one of these evenings, my husband brought home dinner from Smokey Bones--pulled pork, baked beans, etc. I had been downstairs with the earliest to arrive and he was answering the door as more people came and sending them downstairs. I hadn't been upstairs for a few hours when one of my friends decided to leave and I was walking her out. About halfway up the steps I smelled something horrible and had a pretty good idea of what stunk and who did it. Embarrassed, I said "Oh my, what it that smell?" My girlfriend very innocently said, "Smells like Mexican to me. What did you have for dinner?" As we got further up the smell just intensified and I was thinking, "Hmm, smells like Bill's butt to me". I let her out and went to see DH and it appeared he had gone to bed--tv off, lights off.

The next day he asked me if one specific friend had said anything when she came down. I said, "No, why". He said that just as she had arrived he had terrible gas in the living room and it followed him out to the entryway and then she had proceeded to chat and he was trying to get her hurry up and go downstairs because he wasn't done. He said he finally just went into the bedroom because it was relentless and because he was worried we could smell him all the way downstairs. I was laughing so hard and told him about the other friend. He said he wanted to know where she bought her Mexican food. We were both hysterical and so were our DD's (about 6 and 2 1/2 at the time) once we explained it to them. Now anytime anyone "toots" in our house someone else will say, "Smells like mexican in here" and then someone else will surely say, "Smells like Bill's butt to me".

 

[LaraK]

Where have you been southern?? I miss posts like these on the DIS!!!

Karen

She's not here anymore. I'll give her the message for you.