family wedding issue???!!!

[akhenaten]

so my DH cousin ..who is in her late 50's and who we really do not speak to (because of some major falling out)....is getting married for the third time...

My DD 19 gets word from her cousin 19 that the bride to be wants to get together with them....

sounds like she may ask DD to be in the wedding

I told DD to say thanks but no thanks...
we really are estranged from this cousin and it is her third wedding ( no offense to anyone on their third...there are major backstories here)

I know that I will not be giving DD any $$$ towards being in this wedding and I sure don't want her spending any of her money on it!!!

its just absurd....

 

[Handbag Lady]

How does your DD19 feel about it?

 

[Mom2Nick]

As long as you let her know you will not be paying for anything, your adult DD is old enough to make decisions without you.

 

[akhenaten]

How does your DD19 feel about it?

she kind of rolled her eyes at prospect of being asked.... not thrilled ..
but we have not really had a full conversation about it yet...
just a mention as she was getting ready to go out..

Would it be really horrible of me to say i was not giving $$ if my dd19 wanted to be in the wedding? She does have a part time job....

 

[LoraJ]

As long as you let her know you will not be paying for anything, your adult DD is old enough to make decisions without you.

What they said.

 

[akhenaten]

As long as you let her know you will not be paying for anything, your adult DD is old enough to make decisions without you.

Oh I agree.....
If she really wants to do it, she can......

I also need to tell her how to politely decline if she wants to...
any suggestions.... usually I celebrate weddings and my families involvement...

but honestly ,...we barely even can be polite to this cousin when we see her...
lots of drama and history , which we finally removed ourselves from...

 

[Handbag Lady]

she kind of rolled her eyes at prospect of being asked.... not thrilled ..
but we have not really had a full conversation about it yet...
just a mention as she was getting ready to go out..

Would it be really horrible of me to say i was not giving $$ if my dd19 wanted to be in the wedding? She does have a part time job....

Nope, not horrible at all. I certainly wouldn't if there are extenuating circumstances. I have theories as to why someone like the "bride" would want to impose upon a 19 year-old but you didn't ask me that...

And better yet, you can back-up DD and say that economy, money is tight, blah-blah, thanks but no. You can even be the bigger person and send a small token gift, too! VOILA!

 

[Disney Doll]

I think you should let your adult DD make her own decision about whose weddings she will or will not participate in.

And no, you should feel no obligation to give your adult DD any money toward purchasing the necessary accoutrements should she agree to be in the wedding.

Basically, stay out of it...not your issue...

 

[Mom2Nick]

Oh I agree.....
If she really wants to do it, she can......

I also need to tell her how to politely decline if she wants to...
any suggestions.... usually I celebrate weddings and my families involvement...

but honestly ,...we barely even can be polite to this cousin when we see her...
lots of drama and history , which we finally removed ourselves from...

I would tell her to be honest in the way she feels most comfortable about. If she has no desire to be in this wedding and has no desire to have a relationship with this person then she should just refuse the invitation to "get together".

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would tell my dd to tell her no thanks.

I would explain to her that being in a wedding is at least 500 bucks and up.
At 19 she may not understand how much it can cost to be in a wedding.

How much money does she have socked away? If she has a nice nest egg then it would be her choice.

If she doesn't have much money to put toward a wedding then I would insist she say no.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think you should let your adult DD make her own decision about whose weddings she will or will not participate in.

And no, you should feel no obligation to give your adult DD any money toward purchasing the necessary accoutrements should she agree to be in the wedding.

Basically, stay out of it...not your issue...

Not that easy DD.

If her dd accepts and then doesn't have the money the OP is either going to have to pay or catch hell from family.

 

[akhenaten]

Nope, not horrible at all. I certainly wouldn't if there are extenuating circumstances. I have theories as to why someone like the "bride" would want to impose upon a 19 year-old but you didn't ask me that...

And better yet, you can back-up DD and say that economy, money is tight, blah-blah, thanks but no. You can even be the bigger person and send a small token gift, too! VOILA!

I'd love to hear your theories....

A token gift....hmmm I would have to give that a lot of thought....

I will let DD know that I will not be contributing $$$ and tell her how to politely decline....
DD is so sweet...it may be hard for her... but probably not too had if she has to spend her own $$$ on the gown etc!! LOL

 

[akhenaten]

I would tell her to be honest in the way she feels most comfortable about. If she has no desire to be in this wedding and has no desire to have a relationship with this person then she should just refuse the invitation to "get together".

You know that is so obvious....I had not thought of that!
lol

 

[akhenaten]

I would tell my dd to tell her no thanks.

I would explain to her that being in a wedding is at least 500 bucks and up.
At 19 she may not understand how much it can cost to be in a wedding.

How much money does she have socked away? If she has a nice nest egg then it would be her choice.

If she doesn't have much money to put toward a wedding then I would insist she say no.

no nest egg....

 

[Disney Doll]

Not that easy DD.

If her dd accepts and then doesn't have the money the OP is either going to have to pay or catch hell from family.

Doesn't sound like the OP has much of a relationship with
that side of the family, so who cares if you catch hell?

 

[akhenaten]

just spoke to DD and she does not want to be in the wedding...

she will politely decline...

thats a relief.....because I am sure that it would have cost me $$$$ and sucked me back into family drama which I have worked really hard to get out of....

 

[akhenaten]

Doesn't sound like the OP has much of a relationship with
that side of the family, so who cares if you catch hell?

Well it is true that my DH side has a strained relationship...and this cousin has been a major pot stirrer and cause of a lot of it...

I have just really gotten back to having an OK relationship with my sisters in law ( the cuz's to this cuz) and I would like to keep it at least the way it is , if not improve things....

 

[Ciao Mickey]

so my DH cousin ..who is in her late 50's and who we really do not speak to (because of some major falling out)....is getting married for the third time...

My DD 19 gets word from her cousin 19 that the bride to be wants to get together with them....

sounds like she may ask DD to be in the wedding

I told DD to say thanks but no thanks...
we really are estranged from this cousin and it is her third wedding ( no offense to anyone on their third...there are major backstories here)

I know that I will not be giving DD any $$$ towards being in this wedding and I sure don't want her spending any of her money on it!!!

its just absurd....

Explain to your daughter the situation and history you have wth the cousin and tell her to say *no* if asked to be in the wedding.

Do you think your daughter would want to attend her wedding knowing that you wouldn't be there?

 

[DebbieB]

You might be reading more into it. My brother (mid 40's) announced last fall that he was getting married for the 3rd time and they were having a large wedding (bride's first). I sure as heck didn't want to be a bridesmaid again at 49, I had never even met this girl. Turns out the worrying was for nothing. 1. they broke up 3 weeks later, 2. they were not planning on asking me anyway, she wanted to have her friends.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Doesn't sound like the OP has much of a relationship with
that side of the family, so who cares if you catch hell?

I don't go looking for drama, from drama makers if you know what I mean.

OP glad you talked it over with your dd. It is for the best.