Family vent

[irishsharon]

 

[jrw118]

Welcome to the club, one you don't want to join. I, unfortunately, have had 4 surgeries in 3 years due to discovering rectal cancer at 36. I am now 39 and just had my last surgery on June 11 and had 3 major complications all requiring additional hospitalizations since then. I can tell you, you will see how your real friends are. My sister drops everything for me at any time. My aunt is also there for me most times. My parents are deceased so alot falls on my mother in law and father in law. They pick up the slack so my husband can be with me sometimes. The problem is my DH brother and sister in law. My MIL watches there kids full time. They will not do anything to help and I mean anything. My hospital is in manhattan which is hours away with traffic. Even when they lived just a subway away they never came. My SIL even went as far as asking me to move my original surgery to remove my cancer so she wouldn't have to take time off. They are an pathetic excuse for humans. Now they live 4 tenths of a mile up the road 2 minutes away and they have NEVER come to see how I am. To be honest I really don't care about them but it is a serious eye opener.
Good luck with your husbands recovery. I will say a prayer for him and your family. Unfortunately bad times will show who your real friend are.

 

[Disney Princess]

I'm sorry you are going through this tough time. I'm sure it is hard to remain strong for your kids, keep things afloat at home, take care of your husband, and everything else. All I can say is that families are "interesting". I hope your husband's recovery goes well and that his hips don't cause any more pain or problems.

Congratulations to your sister - I hope the baby is healthy albeit a little early.

 

[Sadie22]

You are going through a lot of stress. Feel free to vent all you like.

It sounds like you have not let your husband's relatives know that help is needed. People don't know what we know. We can't assume that someone else is going to think just like we do and that they will "know" what is needed. They didn't go through the first first surgery, and haven't gone through the second. You managed to find child care without asking for help before, so the relatives don't know you need it now until you ask.

We also cannot assume that they can give the help we need. Ask for what you need. You may then find out that the other family member is dealing with health issues of which you are not aware, or something similar. Maybe they can help, maybe not. You have to ask and see what happens.

Maybe friends with children the same age can help you out.

Good luck, and I hope all goes well here on out.

 

[worm761]

I am sorry you are going through so much. But I agree with the PP. It sounds to me like you just expect people to know what you need. If you need help then you need to ask for it.

As for not visiting, you never know why. Personally, I hated having visitors when I was in the hospital. It felt like I had to host the visit and that got old fast in a hospital room. My brother apologized for not visiting me because he had a cold and didn't want to get me sicker. I wanted NO visitors when I had DD because she was born with a compromised immune system. If your husband wanted her to visit then he should have asked her to come.

Again, I am sorry you are under so much pressure. I am not trying to be harsh, just trying to show the other side. If it helps any, there are those in our families that we would drop everything for and those we wouldn't bother with. We have friends we are closer to than most of our families. Families are strange things.

 

[kimsuenew]

I know this has nothing to do with budget but this is my favorite board so I hope you don't mind if I vent and blow of some steam. My Dh had his left hip replaced this April and he just had his right hip re- replaced this Tuesday. He had the right hip replaced 4 years ago and has had major problems with it the last 2 years and we found out it is on the recall list! Dh surgery on Tuesday lasted SEVEN hours! Okay my vent is his sister who lives less than an hour from the hospital did not visit him for his last surgery and has no intention of visiting this time either! She has called him and that is it.She also has not even contacted me to see if I need help( I have two boys and am having a hard time finding babysitters.My sister always watches my kids but she had her first baby last Friday(5 weeks early) I just know my sister would do anything for my family and I really cant believe anyone could not even visit their brother in the hospital ( and no there is no family fued or anything like that) I'm just mad because they already lost a brother 6 years ago when he was 34 so you would think you would cherish what you have even more. Sorry just needed to get this of my chest.Please don't be to harsh in your comments this has been a very tough few months and I'm barely holding on.

I do not get the big deal?

I had a total knee replacement... two of my sisters called (out of 3) and none came to visit. We are close but people have lives, I understood that.

To be honest, I hated when company (except DS & DH... DH stayed 80% of the time I was there) came because I felt that I needed to be interact with them and quite frankly did not feel like it.

My husband had major back surgery and his DS, only sibling by the way, never came or called... she sent a card after the fact.

In life we must not be self-centered and we must realize everyone feels differently about things and handles situations in their own way!

 

[spima3]

I can understand your disappointment, but maybe you should ask her if she would visit her brother or for something specific she could help you with.

It might not be something that comes natural to her. IF she still declines to do either, than realize she isn't going to be the kind of "family" you were hoping for, and let it go. She isn't worth your time or energy.

Good luck to your DH, and you.

 

[Sadie22]

I'm remembering now some people calling to ask me if it was okay to visit my parents in rehab, and when. When patients are in physical therapy, it's not a good time for a visit. That sort of thing.

People focus on their own lives and don't always realize what others might need, or are expecting that if there is a need, that help will be requested. It's hard to remember all this when you're the one in the middle of all the stress!

 

[brymolmom]

I think it depends a LOT on the family. IN some families yes it would be strange...but in others - nope, it would be normal. In my family there is no way my sisters wouldn't be there night and day if I needed them (and, this is a biggie - I ASKED for their help - have you or dh asked SIL for help) but in dh's family, they are close but tend to do their own thing. They will ask for help for big jobs (doing stuff to the house, etc. for the mom - the boys will all get together, etc.).

One thing for the OP to consider - Has your dh gone to help his sis with anything over the last year(s)? I'm sure she could have used assistance here or there...Maybe not with major surgery but with sickness - bringing her a meal, house things (painting repairs, etc), etc. - We ALL need help once in awhile. And, I'm making an assumption here, since you didn't mention in the post - but it doesn't sound like your SIL has any kids? Or at least not young ones? Just because she doesn't have kids doesn't mean she's readily available and also doesn't mean she hasn't needed help with other things in her life.

If your dh doesn't have the type of relationship with her that he would have gone to help her out with stuff over the years...It's not really that surprising that she wouldn't do so now. NOW, that said, back to my mention of asking for help...People aren't mind-readers - If you would like her help - ASK for it.

I try to think of it from the point of view that not all families are the same and that at least sometimes, sister bonds tend to be a bit stronger (most of my friends it is the daugthers/sisters taking care of things for the elderly parents and organizing family events, etc.) - so I know that my EXTREMELY close relationship with my sisters is not what my dh has in his family. They are different, but close, and I know if I asked for help they would be here.

Best of luck with the recovery.

 

[powellrj]

I had both of my knees replaced and my brother never called nor came to see me. In fact, I think the only people who came to see me were my parents and my DH. My kids didn't even come. All I wanted to do was get better and come home which is what I did.

I'm sorry that your DSIL isn't doing what you think she should be doing, but have you called her and told her you needed help?

 

[Disneybuckeye]

My DH will tell you he is part of a close family. He had a heart attack six years ago on his way to work. He had just left the gym as he was in training to do a half iron man. His family knew nothing about it until I called his sister two days after the fact when he was back home. Two other sisters and one brother called. The other two siblings and his mother never called. No one came to visit and none of them asked if we needed anything (we had 3 kids in HS at the time).

My family, who all live out of town, immediately offered to come. I declined their help as I felt like it was my problem to deal with and I did.

OP, I am sorry for all your troubles. Just do the best you can and it will be fine. Can your DH go to a rehab facility? We had to do that with my mom as it was too difficult for us to get her in and out of the car to take her to PT. Good luck and hopefully he is back to mobile soon!

 

[bumbershoot]

they already lost a brother 6 years ago when he was 34 so you would think you would cherish what you have even more.

Well there's your answer; she's probably terrified.

Not everyone can handle being at the hospital when it's not 100% necessary. Her brother has a wife, and spouses are the ones that take charge usually. If her brother were unmarried, then I bet she'd be there.

I pretty much spent half of Sept and Oct at the hospital for my MIL, and my son was with me. The only time it occurred to me that maybe someone could watch him was after someone mentioned that I should call if I needed help. I think he had ONE playdate during that time, and honestly it was fun for him, but not that helpful for me. But if you feel that it would be helpful for you in some way, ASK HER for the help. Maybe she's like me and hasn't a clue that you might want the kids to be away from you and DH.

My DH will tell you he is part of a close family. He had a heart attack six years ago on his way to work. He had just left the gym as he was in training to do a half iron man. His family knew nothing about it until I called his sister two days after the fact when he was back home. Two other sisters and one brother called. The other two siblings and his mother never called. No one came to visit and none of them asked if we needed anything (we had 3 kids in HS at the time).

If they are so close, why didn't you guys call to let them know asap?

My dad had a heart attack and I was not told until they knew he would be OK. This happened in late '99 and I am still NOT over it. I still have not forgiven him and my stepmom for doing that to me. We are NOT a close family, and not being called until after the fear was all over solidified it for me.

There might be a pretty good emotional reason no one visited or called, and it started with them not being told.

 

[irishsharon]

None of this matters anymore.Dh has to go back to surgery on Tuesday and the new hip has to be taken out because he has an infection.

 

[megan10310]

Oh that sucks. Good luck to both of you as he recovers.

 

[MomofIndigo]

None of this matters anymore.Dh has to go back to surgery on Tuesday and the new hip has to be taken out because he has an infection.

WOW what a disappointment that you have to go back for surgery! How are you doing?

 

[Disneybuckeye]

None of this matters anymore.Dh has to go back to surgery on Tuesday and the new hip has to be taken out because he has an infection.

OP so sorry this is happening. Hopefully this time around it does better. I know this is so stressful. Please take care of yourself and I will keep your family in my prayers.

If they are so close, why didn't you guys call to let them know asap?

I don't think DH is close to his family, but he does. He could go for months without talking to any of them. We have been married for almost 25 years and that was the first, and only, time I have ever called anyone in his family. Obviously I am not close to them. He did not even know any of his family's cell numbers. His cell battery ran out as he was sitting in the hospital working after he had the heart attack. He obviously felt fine pretty quickly and his cardiologist was amazed that he actually had a heart attack when all was said and done. Eventually I had to drive to his office over an hour away to get his charger to get a number to call his sister. I did not have time to do it the first two days as I was a little busy. Our DD had knee surgery the day before his heart attack.

 

[purpledisneyprncess]

In-law's can be so strange- at least in the case of mine, and yours OP! My husband used to be close with his sisters and his parents. Over time, things changed. The sisters are not very nice or warm...I'll never forget, his own grandfather told his parents "You never taught your children how to love"- basically sums them up! Anyhow, to get back on track! I'm really sorry you are going through all of the health issues with your Dh- wishing for a fast recovery for him. At least he has you and your family. If you REALLY want or need the help from his sister, call her and ask her to come see him, etc.

My DH's sisters never call let alone visit. My family, on the other hand is very close to us and my husband loves them... my mom and dad would do anything for him like it was their own son. Also, my brother has a fiance who I consider my sister in law already-- but we are welcoming and inviting to her.

 

[karice2]

I wavered on whether I should post anything but I decided to offer a different perspective. I also hopes it helps to manage your expectations of other people. I really don't want to sound mean about it and I do hope that everything works out ok but as a non spousal caregiver, here is my take.

You are his wife. His care and well being are your responsibility. His siblings and in-laws have other responsibilities taking care of their family. People are going to prioritize their needs above yours most of the time.

It becomes a reality when you are caring from someone who is sick and you are overwhelmed and can't sleep, forget to eat and are scared that the worst is going to happen. Their life isn't going to be affected much and you can't expect them to have the same level of concern that you would have.

All I can say is don't waste energy on being mad at them for their response to your crisis. It isn't a crisis to them.

Feel free to vent to us because it does help but don't let them have that much control over your right now.

Kim

P.S. My dad has a wife who completely abdicated all responsibilty for his care after a heart attack and a massive stroke. I get your frustration but it won't change them.

 

[irishsharon]

My Dh may never walk again, that is what my family is dealing with.So please prayers needed

 

[susanv]

Prayers sent