Family vacation intrusion... Please help!

[Bluesdad]

First off, IT IS YOUR VACATION, not your parent's, not your sister's and not even your in-laws. You invite who you want to invite, if your parents want everyone together for one vacation let them plan it and not assume you should know to bring everyone. Let me ask you this, when do you think your mom would have let you know she invited your sister? Do you think she may have known there may be a problem inviting them and knew that you would be hard pressed to say no at the last minute, especially if your sister would have already booked everything? I'm sure your mom would have filled her in as to the times and places. I say you are doing the right thing. Second, I can't inderstand why people can't just give an opinion and not be mean spirited about it. Not everybody has the same family. I would say this is the way I would do it if it were me, without the mud slinging. Third, I don't see that you are feeling bad because you won't have a babysitter, I see that you believe this may cause your mom to not want to sit (not that this is all you want her for). I'm sure if you could afford it, you would hire someone to sit so as not to be a burdon on your mom. You just did this because you thought she'd enjoy spending the time with her grandchildren and maybe just maybe she was the one who offered in the first place huh?

 

[Bluesdad]

LOL!!! PS Safari Queen, your Groucho quote made me laugh out loud and I'm at work! I actually made my fingers form around the invisible cigar and said it like he would have.

 

[Ilovefozzie]

Boy this kinda sounds like my family. Only I'm the oldest. My mom is SO attached to my siblings that I am wrong. It doesn't matter how or why, I'm wrong. My nephew is FAR more important than either of my kids and he always will be.

I decided almost 8 years ago to let it go. I talk to her on the phone once a week, and she hasn't seen my kids in 2 years. Not that she's asked to even talk to them. If I do mention something about them, she automaticly turns the conversation to something brilliant my nephew did.

I love my mother, and I always will, I just learned LONG ago that I'm not high on her list. Yes, it hurts, but I can't control how she reacts to me. Thankfully she lives two states away and our interaction is nearly non existent.

You have to do what makes you and yours happy. Your DH and your kids are your family. Be "selfish" and make great memories with them.

 

[aspcamhreditor2]

First, I feel an overwhelming compulsion to apologize to you for some of the rude posts. Even I found some offensive.

I do NOT think you are a whiner. Coming from a situation in our own family, I understand about sometimes wishing your children could have their own experience w/ their grandparents. We often deal w/ the same situation as one other poster ... we visit and everyone else (who all live in the area so their kids have BEAUCOUP time w/ the g'p's) stops by for a visit at the same time ... often just leaving their kids w/ no concrete plans to come back & get them.

Ther is nothing wrong with selling items on ebay to help finance the trip. Heck, we're doing that and there isn't anything particulary wrong with our financial situation. I have stuff ... it needs to go ... the trip is motivating me to finally get it posted. Any money made is just that much more we either have for this trip or can use to start saving for a future trip.

Unfortunately, the best way to have probably handled this is long gone ... when you were planning, if you could have explained to your folks you were hoping for a special trip for your kids w/ their g'p's, maybe some of this would not have come up. Unfortunately, that is water under the bridge. Since they are paying their own way, they certainly do feel like it is their vacation ... hence the invitation to others.

However, now that you are an adult and have your own family, YOUR FIRST OBLIGATION IS TO THEM. Do what works the best for you in light of the situation. IF they don't go, focus on the other great parts of the trip. If they do go w/ extras, make your plans ... let everyone know "x" is what we are doing but if you want to meet us for "x" we can do that.

Best of luck to you. Remember, you can have a fun trip even if it ends up just you and the kids ... or just one set of g'p's.

 

[mumom95]

First of all I'm so sorry your dream vacation is becoming so stressful.

I was going to type out a long story of mine that is somewhat similar to yours, but instead I've decided to just say this. It's your vacation, do whatever is going to make you happiest. Everyone deserves to have a few times a year to have life be just about what they want it to be about, and this is one of your times. Both of my parents had died by the time I was 28 years old, so all I have left of them are memories. And many of those memories are of family vacations. The memories I have of my childhood family vacations aren't so much about where we went, but more about how happy the family was while we were there. You don't want your kids looking back someday on this trip and remembering how stressed mommy was. If your family loves you, they will eventually understand this isn't about hurting them, it's about your happiness. And if they don't eventually understand that, well, then in my opinion, they aren't worth stressing over, even if they are family.

Good luck with your decision. Remember, your first priority is to yourself, your husband and your kids. You should never feel guilty about doing what is best for your immediate family.

 

[mousebymarriage]

I feel bad that you are stressing over what should be a very happy 1st family vacation. Planning the trip is half the fun and your situation with your sis seems to be ruining that too. We do a Grand Gathering every year with my 2 sis their kids and DH's and my birth mom( a hard to explain situation). Anyway, we look forward to it because it gives my kids a chance to see their cousins, aunts, uncle and "other" grandparents. We just came back a few days ago from our latest trip and I have learned NEVER to go with another family. It started when my DH and I talked about bringing my DD11 best friend along for company, when I mentioned it the the girls mom she said "sounds like a great idea, maybe we'll all go" . I was speachless. Well, the trip was not a good one. The 3 girls in the other family (ages 10, 12 & 15) were a total pain in the a$$. They didn't want to go on anything (they were even afraid of Haunted Mansion), they didn't want to see any shows and the 10 year old had multiple temper tantrums and cried or complianed about everything. The girls father was also such a pain I wanted to strangle him, he complained from the moment we got to the resort. It started with the luggage took to long (we used Magical express), then the A/C wasn't cold enough, he wasn't happy with the T.V., he complained about the dining plan, the food court at Pop, every single restaurant we ate in, getting up early and especially the walking. Oh, and the husband and wife fought the entire time! These people were given a ton of info on Disney and how we vacation (like we do not sleep in ever!). I gave them 3 books to read, the DVD, and a number of website that are Disney related. We tried telling them nicely that they didn't have to do everything with us if they wanted to do other things but, they kept say "oh, no we'd rather stay with you guys because we have never been to Disney before and don't know what we should do"! Unfortunately, the trip was awful but, my first instict warned me and I just blew it off. I should have told them in a nice way that them joining us wasn't such a great idea but, I didn't want to hurt anyones feelings. I say, STAND YOUR GROUND with your sis or you may regret it.

 

[MiniGirl]

I beg to differ.
There can be only one leader per group. Sis does have choices, some of them being, (1) come and follow, or (2) travel separately and lead. What's so hard about that?

I don't disagree with you. What I was trying to say is that the OP herself said that she didn't want her sis to come because she would try to take over everything and make it all about her and her kids. Her brother, OTOH, is much more laid back and wouldn't do that. I think it is clear that the OP wants to be the leader and wants it all to be about her kids, and that is why she doesn't want her sis and niece along -- because she wants this time for her kids. Did I misunderstand that?

Well, I appreciate most of what people had to say - some of you were very rude however. To clarify - This was my families vacation, and we thought it would be nice to invite the grandparents, and let everyone know why they were being invited - to help us out with the girls, and to spend time with them, and hopefully make it a very special time for them. We have already picked out and booked where everyone is staying (each party paying for themselves), and it was understood that I would be booking all the charactor dinners, etc for everyone.
Let me ask you - what is so wrong with wanting a vacation the way you want it ?

OP, I am probably one of the rude ones since I disagreed with you. However, I also issued an apology with my statement if my response was based on misunderstanding what you were trying to say. Again, though, I apologize if you feel I was being rude. That is never my intention, and BTW, there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. Thing is it just often doesn't work out that way.

FWIW, I, too, I'm the youngest of 4, and it took a long time to become an adult in parent's eyes. Even after living for a short time on Oahu and for several years in Midtown Manhatten, my folks treated me like I was a baby. I finally had to start standing up for myself and tell them that it was okay for me to stay alone in the house. Things like that. I was always respectful but still firm in my resolve. It took some time and we worked through it, and in the end, they did see me for the adult I had become. Hopefully, yours will in time as well.

It is YOUR vacation and you should have it exactly how YOU want it.

First off, IT IS YOUR VACATION, not your parent's, not your sister's and not even your in-laws.

Second, I can't inderstand why people can't just give an opinion and not be mean spirited about it.

Yes, it is the OP's vacation, and it is her right to want it the way she wants it. However, it is also her parents' vacation, and they have that same right. I never said the OP's parents were right to do what they did. All I said was if they are paying their way the have the right to invite whomever they want to along because it is also their vacation.

And as to the second part..... the OP asked for opinions. In fact, she asked if she was being a "brat." We all have our opinions and she asked for them. I tried as gently as this medium allows to answer nicely. However, when you disagree with someone, sometimes no matter how you say it, it will come across as mean-spirited. The OP has provided more information, and yes, I feel bad for her and think her parents did not take her desires for this trip into consideration, and that is a shame. I still maintain though, that what's done is done. The only thing that matters now is how she deals with it. She can still go and have a great vacation. Her parents and sis will only ruin it if she allows them to.

 

[auntie]

Boy this kinda sounds like my family. Only I'm the oldest. My mom is SO attached to my siblings that I am wrong. It doesn't matter how or why, I'm wrong. My nephew is FAR more important than either of my kids and he always will be.

I decided almost 8 years ago to let it go. I talk to her on the phone once a week, and she hasn't seen my kids in 2 years. Not that she's asked to even talk to them. If I do mention something about them, she automaticly turns the conversation to something brilliant my nephew did.

I love my mother, and I always will, I just learned LONG ago that I'm not high on her list. Yes, it hurts, but I can't control how she reacts to me. Thankfully she lives two states away and our interaction is nearly non existent.

You have to do what makes you and yours happy. Your DH and your kids are your family. Be "selfish" and make great memories with them.

Sounds like you did what you had to do. Your post struck a nerve with me..as I have a brother (who I actually also work with in a family business), that brags about his kids..non stop. I have actually stopped having conversations with him about our kids..because I came to realize there is NOTHNG that my kids will do, that HIS kids don't do better..or have more of or whatever. I found myself in these conversations that would start out innocent enough about how my son worked hard last quarter and made honor roll and it would be quickly dismissed and conversation would turn to his daughter who is the same age and in the same grade..but apparently extremely gifted...makes the "super honor roll"..every semester, is beautiful, popular, and has supernatural powers! Honestly..I'd forget what I was even talking about. Our office manager would give me a look and roll her eyes..as if to say.."here we go again"
What are ya gonna do. That's the way he is. I'm not gonna fight it. Got to point where we don't talk about family at work. Kind of sad, but I couldn't play this "my kid is better than your kid" game. Although..you all KNOW my son is better looking, a genius, star athlete, and is an astronaut in training!
Funny thing is..he saw a small mention of my son in a local paper in regards to a lacrosse game he was in..and asks..."Why didn't you tell me about this?...Gee..I wonder.

 

[design_mom]

I replied twice already -- once that I hoped your sister/mom would listen to your wishes, and a second time saying that if you'd invited your brother, I understood why your sister/mom were upset. I hope neither of my posts were considered rude. They were not intended to be.

I really hope this works out for you and you have a wonderful vacation.

I also just want to point out that none of us really knows the whole situation. We can only react to the details you choose to share. As this thread has unfolded, you've provided additional details that may or may not change how people feel about what they've already said. I really, truly do hope this vacation works out for you and your family so that you all have a wonderful time and no rifts are caused.

 

[Ilovefozzie]

Sounds like you did what you had to do. Your post struck a nerve with me..

What are ya gonna do. That's the way he is. I'm not gonna fight it. Got to point where we don't talk about family at work. Kind of sad, but I couldn't play this "my kid is better than your kid" game. Although..you all KNOW my son is better looking, a genius, star athlete, and is an astronaut in training!
Funny thing is..he saw a small mention of my son in a local paper in regards to a lacrosse game he was in..and asks..."Why didn't you tell me about this?...Gee..I wonder.

I know what you mean. The nephew has ADHD (Not knocking the DH also has it) and several family members invited her to come here for Xmas. Her sisters even offered to buy her tickets for the train so she wouldn't have to drive AND have her stay with them so she wouldn't have to worry about hotel. (The nephew can't stay here since he 5 years ago tried to choke my DD and push her down a flight of stairs). She refused because she couldn't make the nephew travel that far. He's 9! But we all needed to go out there. And since all 15 of us couldn't make the trip we are the bad people.

Family...gotta love 'em!

 

[ang]

One thing I can say, Disney is the place to leave all your problems behind!

I hope you have a wonderful and magical trip.
I would wait and see what happens. In my opinion, your sister should be happy for you to be able to go on a nice trip. I think, she's the one being selfish. If, your sister want to see your guys brother, she go see them anytime with all there trips.
I come of family of 10 believe me its hard to make everyone happy. I am the youngst of the clam and my kids are the youngst out of 28 grandkids. My kids are under 18 (17&11)where as all the others are 22 to 42 yrs old. (4 of the greatgrandchildren are older then mine).
I totally understand you want your kids have alone time with your parents out side your area or home. This a big issue with my older siblings..I heard it all. I agree with it too. When my sisters come and visit with there family, I stay away for this reason.
There's nothing wrong you seeing your brother for several days on your vacation. Who want a control freak with you.(your sister)Heck, I seen my brother couple of times, when I went to disney. I even drop off my mother to visit his family. I don't have a problem with that. My mom just hitch ride with us and on the way home we pick her up. Everyone is happy, my brother get to spend time with her.
Like some said, if your sister come, just meet up with them here and there. Thats fine too. That is the best way, we done that a lot too.
Good Luck!

 

[tlbwriter]

I guess I see things a little differently, say from your moms POV. This would be my moms' dream come true to have her family all there at WDW for vacation. In fact she was trying to arrange this, but only we were fully on board, my two brothers with no kids said they would come but they wanted to do their own thing, and my mom felt this defeated the idea. She would love to have us all there and if your mom saw that you were coming as well as your brother, then I am sure this is why she wanted your sister along as well.

Considering that the OP said this in a previous post:

As far as the sister - she has taken several trips alone with the grandparents, where my family was never invited, or even told about the trip until the last minute.

then I think your theory is wrong. If mom has always dreamt of a vacation with the whole family, why didn't she bring it up on one of the trips she planned with Sis? Instead of only letting the OP know when it was too late for her to plan to come along?

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

.

 

[Mkrop]

Considering that the OP said this in a previous post:



then I think your theory is wrong. If mom has always dreamt of a vacation with the whole family, why didn't she bring it up on one of the trips she planned with Sis? Instead of only letting the OP know when it was too late for her to plan to come along?

I still dont think my theory is wrong. OP's kids are young so each time a new family member is added to the mix it changes the dymanics of "the dream" of the family being all together. Even if my mom had gotten her wish this time and we did all go together (not happening as we are just in different stages of life and Disney is not on DBros radar), she would definitely want to do it again and again anytime a new person (esp a grandchild) was going to experience it new. My mom would not have a BTDT attitude when my Dbros get around to having kids. She would still "dream" about having all of her kids and grandkids there at the same time. It may never happen but the woman can sure hope!

Just a different take, it may or may not apply to the OP, just offering a different POV.

 

[tlbwriter]

I still dont think my theory is wrong. OP's kids are young so each time a new family member is added to the mix it changes the dymanics of "the dream" of the family being all together. Even if my mom had gotten her wish this time and we did all go together (not happening as we are just in different stages of life and Disney is not on DBros radar), she would definitely want to do it again and again anytime a new person (esp a grandchild) was going to experience it new. My mom would not have a BTDT attitude when my Dbros get around to having kids. She would still "dream" about having all of her kids and grandkids there at the same time. It may never happen but the woman can sure hope!

I don't think we're talking about the same thing.

The OP's mother has had multiple opportunities to spend a vacation with both OP and Sis. Not only has she never invited the OP and her family, but the OP hasn't even been informed about the trips until the last minute (making it impossible for her to invite herself along). So I don't think Mom's actions were caused by a desire to have a big family vacation with as many children and grandchildren as possible. I think they were caused by a desire to have Sis on this particular vacation.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

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[caroline1851]

Please keep us posted on how it all plays out. I really hope you end up having the vacation that you've dreamed of!

 

[tlbwriter]

In that case, I think it's time to cut her loose on this one. Tell her that you hope she enjoys her vacation, and that you're going to go ahead and make plans with your ILs. Pretend your mom and sis aren't even there, other than perhaps getting together for a dinner with them and your brother.

 

[flipflop]

Kudos to you for setting boundaries and having a confrontational discussion with your mom.

I don't think you are a whiner or a brat. It was nice of you to invite the grandparents on your family vacation. I think it was rude of your mother to invite your sister and her family without discussing it with you first, in light of all the circumstances you have described.

We are taking our children on their first disney vacation in December and we invited my parents to come with us. We are not paying for my parents' trip. It is our family trip and we included my parents so they would be able to enjoy seeing their grandchildren at disney (and I could enjoy seeing my mom with my kids there as well). We don't have the same family dynamics that you described but I would still expect that my mom would ask me and DH before inviting others on this trip.

Hang in there.

 

[FayeW]

I think you've hit the nail on the head - though its not just to have sis on the vacation, its to have controll over everything. They do this for every holiday as well - if my inlaws want to have a holiday by themselves (or with just us and DH's sister without my family), my parents get very upset, and tell us what horrible people we are, and that they wont be happy unless we all come over to their house to celebrate. Every single holiday season, we have this fight - For goodness sakes, MIL hasn't been able to have thanksgiving, christmas, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, or even her own sons birthday (my parents take that one over too) at her own home in over 8 years. My parents just keep saying that they think I would be nice to have all the familys together... I'm not saying that their hearts aren't in the right place, but they don't care about how the people they are trying to welcome, want to be welcomed all the time, for every single holiday! Also, they never felt this way about sis's first husbands family, or her second husbands family. Its just with me, and my extended family... I don't know why. Any thoughts about this one?????

Yeah, I have a thought...BECAUSE YOU LET THEM!! Frankly, I am surprised your in laws still want to do anything with you and your kids since you show them absolutly zero respect by bowing to your parents' demands on every single occasion, apparently for the last 8 years! Even their own son's birthday celebration has to include your parents? COME ON! Did you ever stop to think that maybe the ILs are tired of sharing their son and grandchildren with your family?

Time to put your big girl panties on and start planning some celebrations with just your in laws. May I suggest that you start by allowing your MIL to have her own birthday celebration for her own child and his family (you and the kids). If your mother insists on celebrating his birthday with you, just tell her you are celebrating it on XXX day, which will be whatever day you choose AFTER the celebration with his family.

As for your holiday. Let sis come, but don't make ANY of the ADR's to include her family. Let her know when and where you are eating, but let her make her own reservations. I have a feeling that you are going to enjoy having time with just the ILs, and they will be thrilled to not have to share every single minute of your children's first trip with the other grandparents.