Family vacation intrusion... Please help!

[TravelingJen24]

I completely feel for you. The more people there are the more complicated the trip can be. I understand that your mom feels like she should invite your sister, but you shouldn't feel like you are being selfish. No one should ever feel obligated to go on a trip with anyone else. It doesn't mean that you don't enjoy their company, just maybe you wanted a more intimate event. It is harder to get everyone going, especially when some family members are not on the same page. Then the grandparents feel obligated to spend so much time with one group and the others, etc. We have so been here before and I can say that during the trip resentment has set in. In our family, my children are two of 7, all which are within five years of one another. It can be quite cumbersome for the grandparents to feel like they do enough or spend enough time with all of them. No matter how much we tell them that they are great, they just can't help feeling guilty.
I would talk to your sister and explain how much this trip means to you and that you really wanted to have a younger kids trip. Leave out anything that might personally offend her. If she is understanding she will see your point of view and bow out graciously, if not, then good luck. Either way, if you don't say anything you are going to be irritated during your trip to come and that stinks. I hope it all works out.

 

[design_mom]

I answered back on page 1, but I guess my feeling changed a little bit since your mentioned that your brother is coming for part of the trip. In that case I can see where your mom decided it was a "family reunion."

If my parents went on a Disney vacation with just one sibling's family (and they have) I would not be offended at all. However, if *everyone* in the family, except me, was going -- and I was, in fact, specifically told I wasn't welcome, I would be a bit perturbed.

Would it be possible to divide your trip up into two mini-vacations? A few days at Disney with the grands, then a "family reunion" with your brother at a non-Disney location. Then you could invite your sister to the family reunion part, and she would be free to continue her own Florida vacation afterwards.

 

[teras75]

You did the right thing by talking to them about it... Now they are aware of your feelings, and you don't feel bad about that at all.

Now you've left it in their court...Let them decide and you continue with your trip. Enjoy your kids at Disney! Have fun making your plans!

It's time for you to be the Mom and not the daughter.

 

[seashoreCM]

Also, and forgive me for being blunt, you do sound a little childish. You said you invited your brother because he is more laid back and wouldn't try to take things over. Now, I understand on these boards things don't always come across as we mean them, but ... you seemed to say that you didn't mind your brother coming on the trip because you could still have your way, but if your sister came along, you'd have to compromise your plans and your wants. If this is what you meant, then your sister and parents have every reason to take that personally -- even though you say it isn't personal. If that wasn't what you meant, my apologies to you. Like I said, sometimes things don't always come across as we mean them.

I beg to differ.
There can be only one leader per group. Sis does have choices, some of them being, (1) come and follow, or (2) travel separately and lead. What's so hard about that?

2. My sister is very much combat-warrior, take everything over, for the sake of what HER kids want, and doesn't really take into consideration that others may have had other plans, or may not want to do that. ??

Then just do things your way even if you break away for large portions of the day.

Set several meeting times and places. If Sis and family are not there when you arrive, that meeting time is deleted and you concentrate on the next meeting time.

Disney hints: http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

Or better yet, make Mom a liar and say quite promptly you do not want to vacaiton with Sis.

 

[Zeebs]

I think I would be one of those annoying people that just invite themselves along on someones trip away. I don't see the bother, I love it if others want to join us as well.

We are planning a trip in Oct with my inlaws (my parents live in NZ and I miss them oh to have a trip that included them and my brother and sister and their families) my kids are the youngest of the grandchildren and with their grandparents getting older I want them to spend as much time with them as possible, that said I don't have a problem with any of the other grandchildren taking up time with their grandparents, grandparents have enough love to go around. Things I remember as a kid are big family get togethers, hanging out with my cousins, running in and telling Nana what exciting things we had been doing.

You can do family trips and still do your own thing. That is the simple part of it all. You just say great to have you here lets catch up later, we will be at the Magic Kingdom today want to meet for a burger at lunch time.... etc etc. If your brother has been invited even if only for a few days I would be quite upset if I was your sister and hadn't been and can understand why you Mum invited her along.

The other thing to remember is how would you deal with it if you were the grandmother and it was your children not getting on, it would be terrible if you felt that you had to choose between your kids, in my opinion you should give your parents a break and enjoy a big old family trip to WDW.

Kirsten

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

.

 

[dogluva]

Well, I appreciate most of what people had to say - some of you were very rude however. To clarify - This was my families vacation, and we thought it would be nice to invite the grandparents, and let everyone know why they were being invited - to help us out with the girls, and to spend time with them, and hopefully make it a very special time for them. We have already picked out and booked where everyone is staying (each party paying for themselves), and it was understood that I would be booking all the charactor dinners, etc for everyone. It was planned out to be us, and the grandparents, and that was it. As far as the sister - she has taken several trips alone with the grandparents, where my family was never invited, or even told about the trip until the last minute. Why do I have to extend myself to people that don't show my family the same respect?
Let me ask you - what is so wrong with wanting a vacation the way you want it, I mean this is our money that my husband is making by selling items night and day? I cannot afford 2-3 vacations a year like the rest of my family - I can't afford to have more than one every 5 years, so I want them to be very special for my kids. Why is it OK for people to just invite themselves places, and if they do, why does my family have to roll over and let it happen? We told everyone that if this was our second trip, then we would be happy to have everyone there, but we wanted to keep this trip as we had planned it. I'm sick of people in my family trying to run everything, this time it was my turn. I'm the youngest in my family by 20 years, and I have had to do a lot of listening, and doing what everyone else wanted to do because they were all older and had their own families, this was my turn. And for your information, this is one sibling out of 5 that DM is worried about - if all she wanted was a "family reunion" then why isn't she putting up a fuss about everyone else?

I am one of the rude ones and I am sorry about that.

however, you sound like a whiner. It is my turn, they had their turn, etc.

They are PAYING for their portion so it really isn't YOUR vacation. It is their and your vacation. You invited the other grandparents (why you need six people for two small children is another thing) why can't they invite the other sister?

They probably didn't invite you on the other vacations because they knew you couldn't afford it. Selling your belongings on Ebay? Really that says a lot about your financial situation.

If you wanted your vacation to be the way you wanted it then you should go alone with only your family and the Inlaws. Or you should pay for everyone then you can really be in control since that is what you want.

Sorry, but you really do sound like your they youngest. HOwever, your not a kids anymore and maybe it is time to grow up a little.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

.

 

[klj27]

I can see both sides of this. I totally understand your disappointment and frustration. It seems that this is a bigger problem than this vacation though. You have an ideal vision of how this trip will go, but you can't change people. We have to be happy with what we are given. It seems that your Mom invited your sister because she does not have the same ideal view of this trip that you have. At this point I would just run with the "it's all good" attitude. Go on your trip and whoever is there doesn't matter. You will still have your inlaws who seem like good company. Don't beg for your parent's attention. Your immediate family can have a great trip if you choose to have a great trip. You don't have to stay together all the time and you can choose who you want to see while you are there. I hope you can come to peace with whatever decision you make.

 

[caroline1851]

I'm replying again. You are not selfish and you are not a whiner. Your parents should've consulted you first if they wanted to invite your sister along. At that point, you could've explained to them why you'd prefer she's not invited. They put you in a bad place and it's not fair. It is YOUR vacation and you should have it exactly how YOU want it.

 

[Mkrop]

I guess I see things a little differently, say from your moms POV. This would be my moms' dream come true to have her family all there at WDW for vacation. In fact she was trying to arrange this, but only we were fully on board, my two brothers with no kids said they would come but they wanted to do their own thing, and my mom felt this defeated the idea. She would love to have us all there and if your mom saw that you were coming as well as your brother, then I am sure this is why she wanted your sister along as well.

Plus many of you seem to resent the cousins in the picture, my kids only have one at this point ( my Dbros are kidless and DH's bro is a jerk). My kids would love to have cousins to spend time with. I guess this is one of those instances where you dont appreciate what you have, while others look on wishing they had what you do. My kids are very envious of friends who do many fun family things with cousins.

I also think your mom and dad will be making loads of GP memories when they watch your kids for you. My mom loved when my kids came over when I worked, she had them all to herself w/o me interfering I think she misses that too as she only babysits here and there and not consistently.

 

[o2bacelt]

I can understand what you're feeling. My mom did this to me when I planned a vacation with my inlaws for DD's first Disney trip. My mom invited herself along and ended up showing up when we were there, forcing me to deal with her, it ruined my experience. It was not the vacation I had envisioned, and I'll never get that first trip back. Not to mention irritating my poor inlaws who hardly get to do anything fun with DD because they live in the UK and we're here in the US.

Before anyone starts crying for my mom, she gets plenty of alone/quality/fun time with my DD, she lives 1/4 mile away from us and is included in a lot of things that my inlaws miss out on due to distance. My mom didn't care, this was about her and her control issues, regardless of anyone else's feelings. With my mom it's always all about her, right now she's planning my poor dad's gallbladder surgery for when it's convenient for her, never mind my dad, it's only his surgery after all.

I did plan a second Disney vacation with the inlaws, just this past December, and that was the trip that I had wanted the first go around. My inlaws are happy to do their own thing from time to time and then we spend quality time with them and they took DD one evening and played with her in Animal Kingdom one night. They all had a great time. I was even able to plan a special birthday celebration for my FIL, who's birthday is so close to Christmas is often gets lost in the bustle of the holidays. He was thrilled and no one has ever seen him smile as much.

OP, forget what the nay-sayers are telling you. I don't think you're selfish at all, it was something special you wanted to plan for your kids and their grandparents only. You sis take trips with your parents alone, why should you have to bend on your vacation. I would strongly encourage you to take your parents out of the equation and enjoy your time with your inlaws. And so what if you DH is selling his baseball cards to give you all this trip, you aren't alone, we've sold things to add money to our trip budget as well. You do what you have to so that you can have the trip that you want. Not everyone is a millionaire or made of money.

I hope you find a way to have a fantastic trip with your kids!

 

[jessica52877]

I haven't read everything, but I think just talking to your sister hoping she would understand that you wanted this time for the kids with their grandparents alone. With differences in ages you would prefer your first trip to be smaller scale and you are worried about them (sister and family) having a good time since you have little ones.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

.

 

[auntie]

I can understand your frustration. I wish you would have indicated in your first post, that this sister is just one of many. It did appear that you had only two siblings..your older sister, and a brother living in Florida(smart guy..apparently) I don't have the impression he was "invited" on the trip, so much as you planned to meet up with him while visiting Fl. Perhaps having dinner or the like. I would think that your mom and dad would also welcome that considering he lives out of state. For that reason..I'm taking your brother out of the equation. You also mention that your other siblings have taken your parents on vacations with them, without including you..or extending you the invitation to join them (which is fine). Whether you have the financial means to join them is really inmaterial, if they were inviting your siblings, then certainly the invitation should have been extended to you as well. For these reason, I think you every right to have a family vacation. If I were you, I would take your mother and father in-law and go. If you're parents would like to join you, then that's great..but you don't have an obligation to bring along a sibling and her family. Certainly, even if she did have the inclination to come along with your mom and dad..she should have ran that scenario past you..and "asked" you how you felt about it..not just declared that she was joining you. It does sound as if you are the youngest, and perhaps they have just taken for granted that you "go with the flow". Only now, you have a family of your own. I understand you're wanting to have family vacation for your kids. Asking your parents to come and "help" with the kids..that's kind of odd to me. Why do you need help, if both you and your husband will be there? I think it was a mistake to put it to your mom in that regard..and probably where she thought it was okay to ask someone else along. Not saying it's right..but I can see where it would happen. In all of this..you don't say much about how your husband feels about your family coming along. It sounds as if they pretty much bullied their way into Thanksgiving. While your inlaws were in poor health and wanted a quiet Thanksgiving with the family, yet you changed your plans. If you decide to take a stand..then take it and be done with it. Don't make an issue out of it. Simply tell them, that you planned to spend sometime alone with your children, and take it a bit slower having your inlaws join you. You thought that perhaps for this reason your "mom and dad" would enjoy to coming and possibly meeting up with your brother a couple of days., but they don't have to. I would tell them that your reservations are made, your ADR's are made, and you will not be changing them to accomodate more people. Then...let it go. It's done. Don't let it ruin your time. Honestly, it's probably better if your parents don't go. Why is it that you think your children need special time with them, if your mom is babysitting for them when you work. I think they are probably getting enough grandma time as it is. They are your children, and your parents are not responsible for them. If they can help you..and it's not a burden for them, fine..but if strings are attached to that..you made need to rethink the arrangement, and also re-think the trip. Maybe nows not the best time. If you depend on your parents financially..as far as watching your kids while you work, maybe it would be better to have a vacation that isn't going to cost as much. A short time away for just your husband and yourself and your kids without breaking the bank. Just a few options and thoughts. Hope you don't mind..you sound like you are trying to make everyone happy..but you are the one who is miserable. I wouldn't want to take this vacation with people I don't care to be with, and my husband and his family feeling neglected, while my family bulldozed their way into our lives. However, only you can stop that. If it means not depending on your mom for babysitting you may have to do that. You really can't have it both ways. Thank your mom for all she does for you..and tell her how much you appreciate her help. Tell her you just wanted to relax a bit and spend some time with her and your dad and the kids. Apparently the other 2 siblings you mention aren't including themselves in this trip..so it's just this one sister, who likes to run the show. Say "no". Yet...be prepared for the ramifications. Which may mean losing your babysitter. Only you know how that will effect you financially.
They sound like they are kind of overbearing, and I don't think they will change at this point. You've got to figure out what it is you want. How to keep your family in your life, but not have them take it over. You set the tone. Then ...live with it. Don't worry about it. Move on and make your plans whatever they are and ENJOY your trip!

 

[MRYPPNS]

I'm replying again. You are not selfish and you are not a whiner. Your parents should've consulted you first if they wanted to invite your sister along. At that point, you could've explained to them why you'd prefer she's not invited. They put you in a bad place and it's not fair. It is YOUR vacation and you should have it exactly how YOU want it.

I agree completely!!!!

 

[nannerbadnanner]

I agree with you, OP. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting things to be about you and your family on occasion. I am also the baby in the family and understand some of the dynamics. Fortunately, my mom knows how my sister is and doesn't play into it, but if she did, I would react the same way you are. It is no fun to walk on eggshells around someone all the time. My sister doesn't mind hurting my feelings (whether on purpose or not) so I have had to stop worrying about whether I hurt hers all the time.

It may be fun to take the trip with just your inlaws. It sounds like it would be a more fun and relaxed vacation for your family.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I totally know what you are dealing with. You will never change them and it is all a control issue. Just keep your head up and do what is best for you and YOUR family. You will never make the others happy no matter what you do. Life is short. Enjoy it. Sending you strength.

 

[Safari Queen]

I also agree that your best chance for a wonderful vacation is to make it just your family and your in laws. Unfortunately, I don't know how you uninvite your parents or deal with your mother backing out of childcare, if she's really petty enough to do that.I'm so sorry that all this drama has to threaten your chance for the vacation you want.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I can see both sides of this. I totally understand your disappointment and frustration. It seems that this is a bigger problem than this vacation though. You have an ideal vision of how this trip will go, but you can't change people. We have to be happy with what we are given. It seems that your Mom invited your sister because she does not have the same ideal view of this trip that you have. At this point I would just run with the "it's all good" attitude. Go on your trip and whoever is there doesn't matter. You will still have your inlaws who seem like good company. Don't beg for your parent's attention. Your immediate family can have a great trip if you choose to have a great trip. You don't have to stay together all the time and you can choose who you want to see while you are there. I hope you can come to peace with whatever decision you make.

I also feel for the OP, Sounds a lot like my family...I'm a dreaded middle child. I have to agree with KLJ here. It sounds like your mom didn't have the same view of the trip as you did...Its not something you can really force. Its morphed into something else (family reunion I guess), And as you've found, can't really try to change it back without hurting some feelings..Although It would be really great if your Mom thought the same as you about a special vacation with your kids..it doesn't sound like she's looking at it the same way.

I would just focus on your plans for your immediate family and not worry so much about your mom sister and their family now. I think you'll find that Disney is a lot more enjoyable when you aren't attemping to coordinate a whole bunch of people..