Family vacation intrusion... Please help!

[SharpMomOfTwo]

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[Mouse House Mama]

Oh we lived your life growing up. My grandmother and my Mom's sister was the same way. It is a control issue. Once they realize that you've got their number they fight with you. You will never have a say because they really only care about themselves. Trust me. Many holidays my Mom was reduced to tears by them. We no longer talk to them and my Mom is like a different person. She's never been so relaxed and happy. Good luck. It is so hard dealing with family sometimes.

 

[FayeW]

I have to say, for a while we did allow them to control things, they always wanted to treat everyone (my in laws and such), we thought they were just being nice, we really only found out that they were truely being controlling when we tried to say no, and do our own thing. I have to tell you though, I have been wearing my "big girl panties" (such a rude thing to say, my goodness) for quite some time now, and am wearing them now - hence the reason I'm responding to you. We did NOT do what they wanted us to do for christmas this past year - We invited sis to our house for some time durring the day and she refused to come, stating that it would be do much for her kids, 12 & 14, but then expected us to go to hers for dinner (I guess a 1 and 3 year old can hanld a long and hectic day better than their older cousins). We told her thanks for the invite, but no thank you, and as usual, we were the bad ones because we didn't conform. But I'm done conforming - if this means loosing my family, than thats what it will have to be. DH and myself are very tired of having no say, no opinion that counts, in my families eyes, unless we do exacty what they want. My inlaws are great, as that is all I need (and my other siblings).

You are right, I was rude. I'm sorry.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

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[auntie]

I think as this thread has gone on..as another poster indicated, you have revealed more information. Apparently this is really just the straw that broke the camels back. Maybe that's a good thing. Sounds odd, I know..but sometimes we finally reach that limit, where we are forced to make a change.Once you actually do it, you will look back and ask yourself "why didn't I do this sooner?" It's easy to Monday morning quarterback and say "you should have done this or that" I'm sure you are looking back over events with 20/20 hind sight you can see exactly where things started to get away from you. I can understand you're thinking you love your family, their trying to be nice and include your husband and his family in celebrations. Seems natural. You weren't aware that their generousity and inclusion was going to lead to more "control" issues. These sort of things develop slowly over time, until you're in so deep...and you don't even know how it is you got there, and it's a heck of a hole to dig out of. I think probably especially so in your case, as you are the youngest, and likely went along with what was happening for years in your family, before your husband and children came into the picture. This didn't start with you...this has been going on for a LONG time. I think you are right it telling your sister and your mom, that this wasn't a vacation for the entire family. "While we'd love to have you mom..if you think it's going to cause a problem with sis, then I understand if you'd rather stay home." Put it on them...it's not your fault they invited themselves without even consulting you. They could have prevented this problem by showing you the same respect they would show to a total stranger. They took your good natured demeanor for granted. I would write it off as "it's not a big deal" don't play into their "drama. I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset about it...but don't let them know it bothers you to the point it does. Let this be their "drama". Yeah, they're gonna talk about you ..don't worry about it. Families always have to have someone to talk about..it's just your turn! No big deal. It will blow over. You are making the right decision in concentrating your efforts on your own life with your husband and kids. If mom and dad want to be a part of that..great..if they don't that's not your choice.it's theirs. You will never change these people. Frankly, you can make all the sense in the world...they are NEVER going to see it. You can only control how you react to their demands. You've been down the road of trying to make everyone happy..and look how that's turned out. You are not being selfish wanting a vacation for your family. You are putting them first as you should. You may want to do more of that. I'm also sure that your inlaws are going to appreciate spending some time alone with their only son and his family. I think it's nice that you are thinking a bit more of their feelings, they seemed to have been pretty tolerant of of your family. Go...live YOUR life and enjoy your trip.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

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[auntie]

Oh..Please..you DON"T want to join my family...their NUTS! HAha!..I've just been at this a bit longer than you have. Believe me..everyone has been through this type of stuff to one degree or another. It's hard to be the same family you were growing up..because your just not. Families grow and time moves on, and more people are added, and the family dynamic changes. I lived that with my parents and siblings..and now..I'm going through it with my own kids(I have a 27 year old..20 year old and a 16 year old) I'm hoping to have learned from some of the mistakes made with my own siblings and parents..and apply that to my own kids. It is tough when your family dynamic changes. I know everytime one of my kids is dating someone long term..it doesn't feel like "us" anymore..it's "us" plus one. I have to remember this "other" is significant in their lives. My head tells me this..but my heart wants my little kids the way they were. It seems to me it's your mom and possibly your sister, that are not able to accept the changes..just trying to control it all. Now..it hit the fan! You are right not to worry..because honestly..it's all gonna work out. You take a deep breath..and do what you know is right for you and your husband for a change. They'll come around. I have a feeling your mom isn't going to let go of her "baby" over a vacation. As far as your older sister..she just learned her little sister..isn't so little anymore.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Auntie you hit the nail on the head. Great post.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. My grandmother was the same way. It took my Mom many years to cut her out of her life. My sister and I only wish that she did it sooner. We all wish that she was a different kind of person but she's not and will never be. We mourn the loss of a family that we never really had. It is hard but you need your sanity. Life is too short to always be stressed. Good luck.

Gee, I can totally relate to this. I am 47 and still trying to set boundaries with my mother. Its been very difficult, to the point where it has affected my health. I think the only advise that I can offer is not to settle. Your kids come first. Best of luck, and a hug.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

Oh..Please..you DON"T want to join my family...their NUTS! HAha!..I've just been at this a bit longer than you have. Believe me..everyone has been through this type of stuff to one degree or another. It's hard to be the same family you were growing up..because your just not. Families grow and time moves on, and more people are added, and the family dynamic changes. I lived that with my parents and siblings..and now..I'm going through it with my own kids(I have a 27 year old..20 year old and a 16 year old) I'm hoping to have learned from some of the mistakes made with my own siblings and parents..and apply that to my own kids. It is tough when your family dynamic changes. I know everytime one of my kids is dating someone long term..it doesn't feel like "us" anymore..it's "us" plus one. I have to remember this "other" is significant in their lives. My head tells me this..but my heart wants my little kids the way they were. It seems to me it's your mom and possibly your sister, that are not able to accept the changes..just trying to control it all. Now..it hit the fan! You are right not to worry..because honestly..it's all gonna work out. You take a deep breath..and do what you know is right for you and your husband for a change. They'll come around. I have a feeling your mom isn't going to let go of her "baby" over a vacation. As far as your older sister..she just learned her little sister..isn't so little anymore.

WOW! This is so true!

 

[DevilDuckie]

I don't know who you think you are speaking to me this way - "Selling your belongings on Ebay? Really that says a lot about your financial situation." Yes, my husband is selling baseball cards on ebay to pay for our vacation because I am a SAHM, and we have a lot of expences, just like everyone else. I'm sorry we don't all have a Disney bank account will thousands in it to just throw around all over the place, really, I am. You can say whatever you want about what I said to my family (which you already have several times), but don't you dare attack me that way.

Honey, take a deep breath. There are people who are simply not worth bothering with and you are getting yourself all worked up over one of them which is not helping you at all right now. For a good giggle, go Google "Mark Twain" "wrestle" and "pig". Mark Twain was a wise man (and a wisea--) and he always has something appropriate to say for any moment.

Big hugs from a fellow Diser with a toxic family. Keep your chin up!

 

[DevilDuckie]

Time to put your big girl panties on

Unfortunately it would appear that the OP *did* put on her big girl panties... and mom promptly gave her a wedgie! Poor thing!

 

[aspcamhreditor2]

Honey, take a deep breath. There are people who are simply not worth bothering with and you are getting yourself all worked up over one of them which is not helping you

Extremely well said!

For a good giggle, go Google "Mark Twain" "wrestle" and "pig". Mark Twain was a wise man (and a wisea--) !

Absolutely.

Hope the OP took your advice on the google search!

 

[barnaby1]

I have great sympathy for your situation. I think that people often cannot fully appreciate your concerns about any topic unless they have a similar family situation.

I am the youngest of 4 and have spent my whole life listening to how wonderful my eldest brother is (an Anglican minister who is one of the most devious and dishonest people I have known) as my mother sees him as the wiser eldest child. Although I am now 39 and married with a child (and a senior nursing matron in the UK) I have still never quite cracked it as someone with a valid opinion or the ability to give advice about anything. I might also add that my next brother up is viewed in the same light as me.

Over the years I have learned to accept that this is the way it is and there is no use fighting it. It also helped to move to the other side of the world (I am originally from Australia).

There has been a lot of advice with reference to your family but I am wondering how your PIL feel about the extra people coming?

Hang in there. I don't think you are being selfish, I think you have probably just had enough of a long term family situation and as this is a major family holiday for you it makes for an increased emotional time.