Family gist exchange when one family is having tough financial times?

[luvmy3]

Why not take this opportunity to turn the focus away from gifts? The crafts idea sounds fun but a game night sounds even better. At holiday get togethers, we play games as a big group which involves both the kids and the adults. On Thanksgiving, we played Catchphrase and it was hilarious. It brought way more connectedness than the two minutes it takes for kids to open gifts.

We no longer do a gift exchange with our nieces and nephews. It got too be too much about the gifts so all of us decided to stop doing and instead focusing on just spending the holidays together. It has been great, and I know my kids will remember playing games better than they will remember opening some toy from one of their cousins.

OP, I think its a good idea to have things the kids could do, like crafts, or a gingerbread house, etc, but I bet a bunch of board games and Christmas movies would be just as good.

 

[sbtrfly74]

Im not sure how the four families is connected but when we had the same tradition going to my grandparents house for xmas eve and exchanging gifts it just got too much once the grandchildren were getting married and having kids.

For example there was me and my sis (4 great-grandkids total), my parents, my aunt/unce then their 2 kids (had 5 kids total) and my grandparents.

Me and my sis really couldnt afford buying gifts at 22 years old for our families then also had to buy for 5 of our cousins kids. My sister bit the bullet one year when she got a present re-gifted from one cousin (that she had given) and the other cousin bought stuff from the dollar store (no biggie but we were spending 20-30$ gifts. She put an end to it and I was perfectly happy with that.

So what we ended up doing was still having xmas eve- no more exchanging gifts for the kids but great-grandparents bought stuff for them.

The next day my parents, me and my sis and our kids had dinner together and she and I still bought presents for each others kids but didnt give them at xmas eve.

Not too long after that year we stopped doing xmas at my grandparents (since our parents were the grandparents now) and we had our own xmas and my uncle and his family had their own and swapped off my grandparents every other year.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just don't go with 'organized' gift exchanges. Period.
And, I don't think that focus should be on gifted material items.
Sure, kids love gifts. And the exchange could be just for the kids.
But, not only does that put a focus on material things.
It also adds stress for the families.
In my family, some have been givers, some have not.
Some bring token gifts and goodies.
Some just love to buy for the children.
There were times when Mom was not in a position to give, but we all wanted to give something special to Mom.
And, everybody understood that it was not 'organized' or 'equal'.

Those that want to give should be cheerful and discreet givers.
And, those who receive should be gracious.

 

[eliza61]

I like several of the ideas here--including the cookie decorating or crafts table (I think gingerbread houses might go over better, but hard to say not knowing the group), and just making it a party (volunteering could be difficult since there are also several very young kids).

One idea that I thought of that I have not seen mentioned:

If everyone lives sort of in tech same area, can the grandparents suggest that this year they really want to take the kids out (one family group at a time) to shop fir their cousins, and they are picking up the tab? They think it would be fun to be with the kids picking items out, and have even all the parents be surprised by what was purchased, etc.

The two families who are in a good financial place right now can actually give $$ to grandparents to make this happen, without any of the kids, etc knowing about it. All the kids would get a day out with grandparents, everyone would get a gift from their cousins, and no one would feel "too poor" to be a part of things

Love some of the ideas here. I may steal a few.

1) the regifting idea is great. I can imagine the laughs my family would get trying to explain some of the gifts.

2) scavenger hunt. I think I'm going to try this one out.
3) game night iwth popcorn etc

I, myself would probably NOT let the gift exchange go especially for the little ones. We enjoy watching them open up a small "goodie".

Now like Ndisney in my family the seniors make sure all the babies get a gift. LOL, I'm fast approaching that position. For most of us 60-70 dollars is not going to break us so we're very happy to do it. I have a cousin in NC who makes a list of all the 8 and under crowd in the family and then we phone conference like mad.

Truthfully I don't think giving little kids a cheap gift automatically means the emphasis is on getting a gift. It didn't mean that when I was a youngester, it wasn't the emphasis when my kids were toddlers/school age


Op, all the ideas were really great, don't think you can go wrong with any of them.

Have a happy holiday

 

[KiKi Mouse]

We've played a game where we wrap up something small in a box and then put that inside another box and so on and so on. Heavily taped with packing tape. You roll two dice and if you get doubles it's your turn to put on oven mitts and try and get the package open.

 

[disneypumpkins3]

Another suggestion:
Have favor bags for all the kids, they could each include a more expensive gift such as a DVD, small Lego kits, etc. and some smaller goodies. These could be given as something from all the adults. That way each family could pitch in money for it or not, but all names still included.

 

[kollerbear]

I think there are some awesome ideas here, but I'm surprised that no one is suggesting asking the family themselves what they'd like to do? Have they said that they're too strapped to do the gift exchange this year, or is this something that you guys are trying to help them avoid?

I completely understand not wanting to make people feel bad and it's great that you're being sensitive and coming up with some creative ideas, but I would discuss it with them. It seems like this is a Secret Santa situation, right? To suppose that five $25 gifts are too much for a struggling family to afford is a pretty big assumption. It might be a tradition they really enjoy--taking their kids out to shop for the cousins. Definitely offer the options, but if they say that they want to go ahead with it I wouldn't question it. To me, that just kind of feels judgy--it's likely the gifts will go on credit, and if that's what they want to do I kind of feel like, even thought it's not sound finances, it's still kind of their choice and it's not a dire amount of money. Honestly, just because there is a $25 limit, they might control the cost by steering their kids towards cheaper items.

I'd definitely show them that you are thinking of other options and suggest other options, but be honest that you're doing it because you don't want to put them in the tough spot of needing the shell out $25 each kid--tell them you know it's expensive and you don't want them to feel like they are obligated to do this because no one will be disappointed with another option. Say that you'll work with them make any of these other options work, but if they say they want to go ahead with it, just let it go. It's Christmas, and they might really treasure the tradition $125-worth. I'm sure that they're constantly reminded by how cash-strapped they are, but this might be one area where they don't want to have to have the discussion. It might be easier for them to cut back on gifts for each other, or what have you, but they don't want their Christmas tradition to be one big reminder of their financial situation.

 

[kollerbear]

I just don't go with 'organized' gift exchanges. Period.
And, I don't think that focus should be on gifted material items.
Sure, kids love gifts. And the exchange chould be just for the kids.
But, not only does that put a focus on material things.
It also adds stress for the families.
In my family, some have been givers, some have not.
Some bring token gifts and goodies.
Some just love to buy for the children.
There were times when Mom was not in a position to give, but we all wanted to give something special to Mom.
And, everybody understood that it was not 'organized' or 'equal'.

Those that want to give should be cheerful and discreet givers.
And, those who receive should be gracious.

I just wanted to say how much I agree with this-- although I understand organizing Secret Santa for sure as a way to make things easier or less awkward in the short term, it does set up an expectation around what is "fair" or "normal" in terms of giving or receiving gifts. There kind of isn't a fair or normal! What about cousin A who is closer to cousin B and notices something they'd like to give to or make for cousin B if they have cousin C for Secret Santa? That stuff will creep up sooner than later, I bet. As a kid, I asked my mom why one grandma gave me $15 and the other gave me $75, and that's how I learned that some people have more money than others. You learn to be gracious and enjoy the occasion irrespective of "gift opening".

I was shocked my first Christmas with my fiance's family that everyone opened up rounds of presents at the same time. His sister even kind of still kept track of how many each person had! His mom always felt pressure to make sure everyone had the exact same number of presents. In my family, Xmas morning was a marathon affair where we really belabored each and every gift on a completely individual basis, and honestly we still sometimes say the gifts are from "Santa" (even though we're all grown up) when it's a particularly silly or extravagent present. Everyone knows who it's from, but we do it to make the point that it's really coming from the spirit of the season, and the gift purchaser is just kind of a conduit for it. I honestly can't imagine keeping track of who does or doesn't give each other presents--I just focus on what I'm able to give that year and happily receive whatever I get. It's definitely more awkward in the short run to explain to kids, but I think it's more realistic and easier to manage in the long run. Come Xmas time I could never organize one big Secret Santa among family and friends, and there's no method to the madness--it's great to start early making those decisions and compromises around what you have the time and money to create and give. Some years everyone will get something, and some years you just won't make it to everyone on your list, and that's OK, too.

 

[Granny square]

For some organization would cause stress for some release it.

Can't imagine it being anyone's business to say what is right for others.

 

[cabanafrau]

OP, you might want to weigh how no gifts in this one celebration will dampen your kids' Christmas experience versus the stress and anxiety a gift exchange for this celebration brings on the family no doubt already overloaded with stress and anxiety about finances and the holiday. I would guess there's no doubt the outcome there.

If you do a craft idea it might be nice to come up with some simple Christmas ornaments the kids can make. When my girls were young they did this with some of their cousins for a few years as part of our Christmas get togethers and those ornaments hold a very special place of honor on our trees -- cousins' trees too. I completely get that boys may not be so very interested in crafting, however I overcame this issue by carefully selecting what they made. One year they made ornaments by wrapping thin gauge wire around Christmas cookie cutters to be hung with ribbon. With Pinterest and the internet as a whole more of a resource this year I think you can come up with something simple, fun and memorable.

After a quick ornament session a fun game or scavenger hunt for the older ones and a classic Christmas movie for the littles should be lots of fun.

 

[marius97]

I think there are some awesome ideas here, but I'm surprised that no one is suggesting asking the family themselves what they'd like to do? Have they said that they're too strapped to do the gift exchange this year, or is this something that you guys are trying to help them avoid?

Though I'm close to my SIL (the one with the financial difficulties) I'm not close enough to be comfortable bringing this up. DMIL is the one that broached the idea of no gifts and this was based on her knowing SIL's situation (she helps her out financially at times.)

I love a lot of these ideas. A cookie decorating station (better not pack the fat pants away yet,) craft table, treasure map leading to a box of small presents, a gift for each kid from Santa. I'll pose it to the family and probably do some combination of those.

 

[richmond282]

I love the "Minute to Win it" idea. That should make for some great memories! You could have prizes for that. I also love the gingerbread house idea. The boys could do the "construction" and the girls the decorating.

 

[LJSquishy]

The kids would all enjoy making cookies. You can have sugar cookie dough already rolled out (or have the adults do it as needed) and have a table(s) set up with cookie cutters and also icing & sprinkles once they're baked. Or, prebake them and just have a decorating party. Maybe have them make the cookies for Santa?

Decorating an ornament for them to keep would also be neat...though it would definitely depend on the personalities of the older kids. The cookies would go over well with everyone. And, of course, gingerbread houses would be great also!

You can also turn Christmas Eve into a board game night. Start a new tradition!

 

[tyniknate]

Why not take this opportunity to turn the focus away from gifts? The crafts idea sounds fun but a game night sounds even better. At holiday get togethers, we play games as a big group which involves both the kids and the adults. On Thanksgiving, we played Catchphrase and it was hilarious. It brought way more connectedness than the two minutes it takes for kids to open gifts.

We do this, too! So much fun and the kids actually enjoy it way more than gifts (yes, they really do!). We get together and make some kind of snack or each family brings a snack to share. We then spend the afternoon or evening eating and playing games. No stress at all and even the teenagers love it. Occasionally they will even ask a friend along to share in the fun.

I hope you are able to work this out without having any hurt feelings. We have been in the situation you are talking about and had to "opt out" of the exchange one year. It was the next year we decided to do family game night instead and I don't think any one of the families would ever consider going back to the exchange. We have too much fun with the games and junk foods!

We also have a back-up movie for when the teenagers get tired of the games. Doesn't have to even be something current. One year we found Gremlins in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart. The teens were amazed at the lack of technology in the movie and laughed about the clothes and hair styles. I wasn't sure they would go for it, but it turned out it was a lot of fun.

 

[kimmar067]

....what's a "family gist exchange"?

 

[tyniknate]

....what's a "family gist exchange"?

Seriously? Gift exchange. It was a typo.

 

[justjulie]

What about each family purchasing one board game? That would cut out individual gift giving but encourage family fun!

 

[kimmar067]

Seriously? Gift exchange. It was a typo.

.....uhhhhh.....j/k. [ ]

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

How would you handle a family gift exchange when one family out of four is not on sound footing financially? This family works hard, but has three kids (one severely autistic,) and two step kids. The last several years we've had just the kids exchange gifts (like a secret Santa so each kid only buys one gift) because the adults don't really need anything. This year it was floated (not in their presence) to not exchange gifts at all. I really want to be supportive, but I also don't want to dampen my kids' Christmas experience either. They'll still get gifts from Santa and the grandparents, but part of the fun is seeing all the kids open presents together on Christmas eve. Is there a way to keep that feeling alive without alienating the family or hurting their feelings? I though about just doing gifts with the two other families that can afford it, but then that isn't fair to this one family. I thought about having someone in the family offer to pay for the gifts that this family would have to buy, but they are too proud to accept it (just as I would have been when my family didn't have money years ago.) We've always done a limit of $10-20 on gifts, but I think this year even that will be too much for them. Thinking as I write...what if we created a big arts and crafts table at our get together and have each kid create a gift for one of the others? I know Christmas isn't about the gifts, but it is about the memories that are made and one of the ones that I cherish is that of opening presents with my extended family. But that memory isn't worth making a family member feel bad about their situation. And I've used the gift buying experience to teach the kids about what Christmas means as well as how to handle and budget money. Does anyone have ideas on how to make sure that the kids still have that memorable Christmas experience?

ETA: To clarify, the kids are split fairly evenly between 8-13 and 1-4. I think that older kids would like a crafts or cookie decorating table and some of the younger ones would like it too. The ones that are too little wouldn't appreciate gifts anyway. Santa gifts come Christmas morning and each family opens them on their own. Christmas Eve has always been the gift exchange and grandparent gift opening time. Even when I was thinking about just doing gifts with the families that are able, it would never have been in front of the other family. It probably would have been through the mail, but that would eliminate the joy of gift opening with their cousins.

You should be discussing all this with all families in question, including the one that you say can't afford the gifts. Making plans without one of the families involved in such plans giving their input and discussion is never a good idea.

 

[sailorstitch]

marius97, I just want to give a great big hug for taking your family's situation into consideration.

My family was in a similar situation about 8 years ago and my extended family could have cared less. We had no income and were living off our credit cards. On Christmas Day my ADULT cousin spent the whole day bragging about their upcoming trip to Disney World. By the time we left my aunt's house I was so upset and depressed that I was crying. My aunt asked me, "What's wrong? Didn't you get what you wanted for Christmas?" I was in my 20s at the time and she was treating me like I was 5. My extended family would never, ever give up their gifts to spare my feelings. They would rather pretend the problem doesn't exist and hope it goes away.

So whatever you decide to do, know that you are doing a kind and wonderful thing.

sailorstitch