Family adopts russian boy and then sends him back

[CathrynRose]

Sick!

Article with pictures: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/wor...adopted-Russian-boy-behavioural-problems.html

 

[D&DDisney]

Did this woman handle this correctly - NO.
Do I condone it - NO!

As the mother of a severe RAD child adopted from an Eastern European orphanage, I can totally see where someone might WANT to do this.

Parenting a child like this is like none other. They can be violent, self mutalating, extremely irritable, illogical, extremely hyper, irrational, pyscho, depressed, elated, manipulative, scheming, they will start fires, sexual abuse themselves or others, are overtly sexual, steal, pee/poop anywhere and sometimes smear it on walls, etc. And this is just the half of it. They will try to destroy anything and anyone because they did not receive the proper love and attention in those first critical years. They play mind games with you and will destroy a healthy family unit within months. Love is not enough with these children.

Professionals are perplexed at what to do about these children and therapy does not work. It leaves parents broken, worn out and confused. Most times, with RAD children, it is actually the parents who are abused. Some parents will say that they have adopted many children and everything worked out fine. For them I say - congratulations. You are one one of the lucky ones to not have experienced SEVERE RAD.

No one can pass judgement on these parents unless they themselves have parented a severe RAD child for at least 3-6 months.

This woman obviously needs to be punished for the way she handled this situation. But if its true that this boy has severe RAD then I believe she needs our prayers more than our condemnation.

 

[DawnCt1]

While this isn't the way I'd go about it, there's probably a lot more to this story than we all know.

I wouldn't be so quick to judge the mother. She may not have handled it the way many of us would, but we have no idea what she's been through. Until everyone here goes out and adopts a kid with severe mental health issues, I don't think they're qualified to cast stones.

International adoptions can be really, really rough. And she isn't the first person who has said that the overseas agencies/caregivers have been less than forthcoming about the extend of a child's issues.

Exactly. This child was seven when he was adopted. Children from eastern block countries have had a higher degree of problems than younger children from other countries. Some from Romania for example, several years ago were given only custodial care from infancy and were incapable of bonding with anyone on any level. According to a news report I heard tonight, the child exhibited extreme emotional disturbance and was violent. There is also a very high rate of alcoholism in Russia. He may have issues related to fetal alcohol syndrome. She may had had no choice.

 

[Motherofboys]

Did this woman handle this correctly - NO.
Do I condone it - NO!

As the mother of a severe RAD child adopted from an Eastern European orphanage, I can totally see where someone might WANT to do this.

Parenting a child like this is like none other. They can be violent, self mutalating, extremely irritable, illogical, extremely hyper, irrational, pyscho, depressed, elated, manipulative, scheming, they will start fires, sexual abuse themselves or others, are overtly sexual, steal, pee/poop anywhere and sometimes smear it on walls, etc. And this is just the half of it. They will try to destroy anything and anyone because they did not receive the proper love and attention in those first critical years. They play mind games with you and will destroy a healthy family unit within months. Love is not enough with these children.

Professionals are perplexed at what to do about these children and therapy does not work. It leaves parents broken, worn out and confused. Most times, with RAD children, it is actually the parents who are abused. Some parents will say that they have adopted many children and everything worked out fine. For them I say - congratulations. You are one one of the lucky ones to not have experienced SEVERE RAD.

No one can pass judgement on these parents unless they themselves have parented a severe RAD child for at least 3-6 months.

This woman obviously needs to be punished for the way she handled this situation. But if its true that this boy has severe RAD then I believe she needs our prayers more than our condemnation.

ITA

She did not handle the situation correctly, but if she truly feared for her life and felt like she had no choice.........I'm not going to sit here and condemn her. We don't know the whole story. People have thrown innocent newborn babies into the trash, this was a 7 year old that was threatening to kill them, it's not that hard to understand that someone would be overwhelmed by this and make a poor decision.

I hope Russia and the US take a serious look at the whole process. It is disheartening to me that people will pay so much to get a child from Russia who people have admitted they never know the real truth about, instead of adopting a child right here at home.

 

[D&DDisney]

ITA

She did not handle the situation correctly, but if she truly feared for her life and felt like she had no choice.........I'm not going to sit here and condemn her. We don't know the whole story. People have thrown innocent newborn babies into the trash, this was a 7 year old that was threatening to kill them, it's not that hard to understand that someone would be overwhelmed by this and make a poor decision.

I hope Russia and the US take a serious look at the whole process. It is disheartening to me that people will pay so much to get a child from Russia who people have admitted they never know the real truth about, instead of adopting a child right here at home.

I don't know about others, but we had a TERRIBLE time trying to adopt a child from the USA. We even had a terrible time trying to do an interracial adoption. This turned us off the domestic adoptions and so we turned to internation. (only to have issues there too)
Such a shame. No one really prepped us for what it would be like to parent a child with RAD. I had to do research and find out what RAD was on my own.

 

[RitaZ.]

Did this woman handle this correctly - NO.
Do I condone it - NO!

As the mother of a severe RAD child adopted from an Eastern European orphanage, I can totally see where someone might WANT to do this.

Parenting a child like this is like none other. They can be violent, self mutalating, extremely irritable, illogical, extremely hyper, irrational, pyscho, depressed, elated, manipulative, scheming, they will start fires, sexual abuse themselves or others, are overtly sexual, steal, pee/poop anywhere and sometimes smear it on walls, etc. And this is just the half of it. They will try to destroy anything and anyone because they did not receive the proper love and attention in those first critical years. They play mind games with you and will destroy a healthy family unit within months. Love is not enough with these children.

Professionals are perplexed at what to do about these children and therapy does not work. It leaves parents broken, worn out and confused. Most times, with RAD children, it is actually the parents who are abused. Some parents will say that they have adopted many children and everything worked out fine. For them I say - congratulations. You are one one of the lucky ones to not have experienced SEVERE RAD.

No one can pass judgement on these parents unless they themselves have parented a severe RAD child for at least 3-6 months.

This woman obviously needs to be punished for the way she handled this situation. But if its true that this boy has severe RAD then I believe she needs our prayers more than our condemnation.

Excellent post!

The lack of attachment to a primary caregiver that these children experience has very damaging and long term effects. It's very sad.

 

[kirstenb1]

Did this woman handle this correctly - NO.
Do I condone it - NO!

As the mother of a severe RAD child adopted from an Eastern European orphanage, I can totally see where someone might WANT to do this.

Parenting a child like this is like none other. They can be violent, self mutalating, extremely irritable, illogical, extremely hyper, irrational, pyscho, depressed, elated, manipulative, scheming, they will start fires, sexual abuse themselves or others, are overtly sexual, steal, pee/poop anywhere and sometimes smear it on walls, etc. And this is just the half of it. They will try to destroy anything and anyone because they did not receive the proper love and attention in those first critical years. They play mind games with you and will destroy a healthy family unit within months. Love is not enough with these children.

Professionals are perplexed at what to do about these children and therapy does not work. It leaves parents broken, worn out and confused. Most times, with RAD children, it is actually the parents who are abused. Some parents will say that they have adopted many children and everything worked out fine. For them I say - congratulations. You are one one of the lucky ones to not have experienced SEVERE RAD.

No one can pass judgement on these parents unless they themselves have parented a severe RAD child for at least 3-6 months.

This woman obviously needs to be punished for the way she handled this situation. But if its true that this boy has severe RAD then I believe she needs our prayers more than our condemnation.

My heart goes out to you, and everyone else going through this. Our younger dd has autism, and does or has done some of the things you've described. But I know RAD is much more severe in so many ways.

 

[Katie's Butterflies]

Excellent post!

The lack of attachment to a primary caregiver that these children experience has very damaging and long term effects. It's very sad.

I agree. One thing I have learned is that attachment is one of the most important needs of a human being. Without proper attachment, a person will have psychological issues.

If this little boy didn’t have attachment issues before, he will soon. First, he was taken from his bio mom. Then, he had to spend some time in an institution. Now, his adoptive mom has abandoned him.

This woman should not have sent him on a plane back to Russia. Even I know that a person can call CPS if they believe they cannot handle their child.

However, we have only read/heard Russia’s side. Perhaps there is more to the story.

Still, I am horrified at this mother’s choice and can’t help but feel horribly for that little boy.

 

[RitaE]

Did this woman handle this correctly - NO.
Do I condone it - NO!

As the mother of a severe RAD child adopted from an Eastern European orphanage, I can totally see where someone might WANT to do this.

Parenting a child like this is like none other. They can be violent, self mutalating, extremely irritable, illogical, extremely hyper, irrational, pyscho, depressed, elated, manipulative, scheming, they will start fires, sexual abuse themselves or others, are overtly sexual, steal, pee/poop anywhere and sometimes smear it on walls, etc. And this is just the half of it. They will try to destroy anything and anyone because they did not receive the proper love and attention in those first critical years. They play mind games with you and will destroy a healthy family unit within months. Love is not enough with these children.

Professionals are perplexed at what to do about these children and therapy does not work. It leaves parents broken, worn out and confused. Most times, with RAD children, it is actually the parents who are abused. Some parents will say that they have adopted many children and everything worked out fine. For them I say - congratulations. You are one one of the lucky ones to not have experienced SEVERE RAD.

No one can pass judgement on these parents unless they themselves have parented a severe RAD child for at least 3-6 months.

This woman obviously needs to be punished for the way she handled this situation. But if its true that this boy has severe RAD then I believe she needs our prayers more than our condemnation.

Well, I absolutely agree that life with this child was probably incredibly difficult for that woman to take such an action.

I object to "no one can pass judgement" however.

I absolutely can and do pass judgment. You want to be a parent? (and if you go to the massive amount of time and and expense to adopt I assume you at least thought you did) then guess - what?

It is not all fun and parties and hugs and kisses and Winnie the Pooh. Just like a biological parent, you might end up with a kid with severe problems. You want to be a parent? Then you are agreeing to parent -- no matter what. Your kid threatens to kill you and burn down your house? Sure -- you might need to call in outside help. You might need to hospitalize/institutionalize him. But you absolutely never ever ever have the option of sticking a seven year old boy that you agreed to parent on a one way flight to a Russian orphanage with a note pinned to his shirt that says "Defective child, I signed up for the perfect one! Please accept my return" and if you do that .. you are trash. You are scum. I despise you and I judge you.

I absolutely judge that. Without a doubt.

 

[dzorn]

While this isn't the way I'd go about it, there's probably a lot more to this story than we all know.

I wouldn't be so quick to judge the mother. She may not have handled it the way many of us would, but we have no idea what she's been through. Until everyone here goes out and adopts a kid with severe mental health issues, I don't think they're qualified to cast stones.

International adoptions can be really, really rough. And she isn't the first person who has said that the overseas agencies/caregivers have been less than forthcoming about the extend of a child's issues.

I am sure there is more to the story also. A friend from high school adopted from Russia and there were so many problems the agency did not disclose. He ended up in foster care here in the US after he went after one of her other children with a knife. She was heart broken about it but could not keep him without endangering her family.

This lady when about it in the wrong way, but I wonder how many of these adopted parents are lied to about the health and mental status of these children.

Denise in MI

 

[dzorn]

Russian adoptions are finalized in a Russian court. All international adoptions are final before a visa can be issued. That's why it is so desirable to families.

Maybe that is part of the problem. If there is problem and it does not work out what is the recourse.

Denise in MI

 

[Ember]

It's clear the adoptive mother was lied to. The second article states:

Russian officals deny Hansen's claims about Artem having severe behavioural problems and being mentally unstable.

'We are shocked by how the American family has treated our child. Artem grew up as a completely normal, relatively advanced child for his age, and healthy. Does she count being flatfooted as a disability?

'No other medical abnormalities were found. The child was completely ready for school (Russian pupils start school at seven years of age) and had learned to read when the American mother came to the orphanage.'

​

Yet then it goes on to say:

The child's real mother Ekaterina was deprived of her parental rights because she was an alcoholic, officials said yesterday.​

The child had FAS at the least, and severe RAD in a worst case scenario. Was this woman dumb for thinking she was getting the whole story? Yes. Was she wrong for taking the actions she did? Absolutely. But I agree with a PP that when you feel physically threatened and psychologically abused you aren't in the best place mentally to be making good choices. Her actions speak of desperation and panic to me.

 

[Aneille]

I know there is more to this story and this woman may have been at the end of rope and you are correct I have no idea and probably can't imagine it but she can not just send him back like that.

I am sorry for anyone that has gone through this, I am sad for the adoptive parents and all of the hopes and dreams that get extinguished when a child that is adopted is not what they expected and is a nightmare more than then they can imagine but how can you not know this is possibility.

Several people have stated they didn't believe a word that the Russian orphanages told them about the mental and physical health of the children they have adopted. How many here on this board have come out already and have told stories of children they knew and loved that had RAD and this woman who went through all the hoops and paid all that money just quits and sends him back as if she didn't know about any of this. Please!

Maybe he needed to be hospitalized for the rest of his life, maybe he needed more help then he was getting but as his parent it is her job to find him the help he needs so that he is not a threat to himself or others. Shipping him off is so, so wrong.

 

[PixieTopaz]

I have read there are mANY adoptive couples of older Russian children who regret their adoption. Mainly because the children are more damaged imotionally than they realized

 

[Aneille]

[/QUOTE] But I agree with a PP that when you feel physically threatened and psychologically abused you aren't in the best place mentally to be making good choices. Her actions speak of desperation and panic to me.[/QUOTE]

I agree it was probably desperation and panic but there were 2 adults involved in this and they both really thought this was the only way. I really just can't wrap my head around it.

 

[crashbb]

It's clear the adoptive mother was lied to. The second article states:

Russian officals deny Hansen's claims about Artem having severe behavioural problems and being mentally unstable.

'We are shocked by how the American family has treated our child. Artem grew up as a completely normal, relatively advanced child for his age, and healthy. Does she count being flatfooted as a disability?

'No other medical abnormalities were found. The child was completely ready for school (Russian pupils start school at seven years of age) and had learned to read when the American mother came to the orphanage.'

​

Yet then it goes on to say:

The child's real mother Ekaterina was deprived of her parental rights because she was an alcoholic, officials said yesterday.​

The child had FAS at the least, and severe RAD in a worst case scenario. Was this woman dumb for thinking she was getting the whole story? Yes. Was she wrong for taking the actions she did? Absolutely. But I agree with a PP that when you feel physically threatened and psychologically abused you aren't in the best place mentally to be making good choices. Her actions speak of desperation and panic to me.

Though I agree that the child likely had issues, the birth mother being an alcoholic does not prove that the child had FAS. Unless there is more that you didn't quote, it doesn't state she was an alcoholic while pregnant.

 

[Magic Mom]

I'm wondering if the child abused her other son. I can see how that would drive a parent to desperate measures. I'm no condoning her actions, but as i said earlier, the problem is so much more complex that just she didn't want him anymore.

 

[okeydokey]

For a Mom to go through all that to adopt and then to give him back, there must have been extreme issues. I wonder if US authorities or organizations could have helped her, or maybe she felt that she had no other choice. Heartbreaking for everyone involved.

 

[Luvchefmic]

This is an awful story on so many levels.

But...how in the world did she get a 7 year old on a plane by himself all the way to Siberia? Even if she'd purchased herself a ticket as well, and walked him through security, how would she have gotten him on the plane?? And certainly there would be layovers? He just sat on a flight with this note that said 'I no longer wish to parent this child' and he somehow miraculously found his way back? And found someone who knew who he was and what orphanage he came from and who adopted him? Not to mention he probably didn't speak English yet.

Hmm...

ETA: I see that it says she put him on the plane as an unaccompanied minor...still doesn't add up.

My feeling exactly! and IMHO-Do we know this really happened? I'd think it would make news channels not just the link that was here for the story ? Sounds off......

 

[lemondog]

My feeling exactly! and IMHO-Do we know this really happened? I'd think it would make news channels not just the link that was here for the story ? Sounds off......

Apparently United Airlines is denying any fault (of course). They said they allow unaccompanied minors age 5 and up on direct flights as long as a name of the party picking up is provided, and this child was on a direct flight from DC to Moscow, and a pickup name was provided. I am not sure if the family really had arranged for someone to pick him up, or if they lied. I would love to know more details re: that portion of the story.