Family adopts russian boy and then sends him back

[Halloweenqueen]

While this isn't the way I'd go about it, there's probably a lot more to this story than we all know.

I wouldn't be so quick to judge the mother. She may not have handled it the way many of us would, but we have no idea what she's been through. Until everyone here goes out and adopts a kid with severe mental health issues, I don't think they're qualified to cast stones.

International adoptions can be really, really rough. And she isn't the first person who has said that the overseas agencies/caregivers have been less than forthcoming about the extend of a child's issues.

Yes, I will gladly throw a few stones her way. There is no excuse for abandoning your child. Adoption is as permanent as giving birth. If your biological child had an issue, mental illness or physcial disability it would be your duty to help the child.

This boy is seven. She adopted him in September. What did she expect? Years of instititionalism affects a child. One of the most classic situations with an older adoption is the child testing the parent. They don't want to risk emotional attachment, so they often act out. They are begging for an unconditional, loving response from their parent. This gives the child the ability to take a risk and love again.

We are talking about a human being. This woman can say that the Russian authorities were dishonest with her. This was not the case. Russian medicine is very different than ours. Many of their ailments do not even have an English translation. I'm sure it works both ways.

I blame her adoption agency and social worker. it is obvious that she wasn't ready to parent. You don't order kids from a catalog. Her agrument that she didn't get what she was promised is disgusting. Can you imagine the outrage if a mother said that of her biological child?

The tragedy of this goes far beyond this poor boy. These kinds of incidents hurt international adoption. Russia is now considering a ban that could spread to other countries. This one woman's actions could hurt thousands of future adoptions.

I guess I might be overly sensitive to the subject. We have adopted three times and asked for a special needs child in each case. All of our children are doing wonderfully. It is amazing what love (and a few doctor's visits) can do.

 

[laurie31]

A child isn't like something you order off Amazon - you don't send it back if it isn't up to your standards.

I agree that the child probably had far more serious isues that this young mother was prepared to cope with, but just like parents whose biological children have psychological issues, she should have dealt with them by getting him treatment HERE. How is sending him back to Russia going to help him?

Btw, my cousin and her DH adopted an older child from Ukraine several years ago. It took them FOREVER, and cost them tons of money, but they wanted this child very much. She is their daughter now, the same to them as their biological children. However, the child ended up having reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and other quite severe psych issues. They loved her and did everything they could to help her, but sometimes RAD is just not fixable. She lives in an institution now, but they still consider her their child. At family gatherings they make sure she is treated the same as the other grandchildren (even though she isn't there). They would never turn their backs on her, and certainly would never send her away like the boy in the OP was sent away. It was a horrible decision they had to make to put her in the place where she is now, but she was part of that decision and her doctors felt it was in everyone's best interests. We still have hope that one day she will want to live as part of our family.

I said all that to mean that I know that things were probably very bad for this mother and not at all what she expected, but she could have done SOMETHING besides just send the child away. She is legally his mother; it's her responsibility to care for him, for better or for worse.

 

[Aneille]

A child isn't like something you order off Amazon - you don't send it back if it isn't up to your standards.

I agree that the child probably had far more serious isues that this young mother was prepared to cope with, but just like parents whose biological children have psychological issues, she should have dealt with them by getting him treatment HERE. How is sending him back to Russia going to help him?

Btw, my cousin and her DH adopted an older child from Ukraine several years ago. It took them FOREVER, and cost them tons of money, but they wanted this child very much. She is their daughter now, the same to them as their biological children. However, the child ended up having reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and other quite severe psych issues. They loved her and did everything they could to help her, but sometimes RAD is just not fixable. She lives in an institution now, but they still consider her their child. At family gatherings they make sure she is treated the same as the other grandchildren (even though she isn't there). They would never turn their backs on her, and certainly would never send her away like the boy in the OP was sent away. It was a horrible decision they had to make to put her in the place where she is now, but she was part of that decision and her doctors felt it was in everyone's best interests. We still have hope that one day she will want to live as part of our family.

I said all that to mean that I know that things were probably very bad for this mother and not at all what she expected, but she could have done SOMETHING besides just send the child away. She is legally his mother; it's her responsibility to care for him, for better or for worse.

This is exactly how I feel.

And I have never adopted nor have ever considered it. Yet I have heard of RAD and as I said I would expect problems especially with an older child. How the heck does this woman get through the adoption process and not know there could be problems never mind expect them.

I never post this much, I wish I never read the story.

 

[luvmy3]

I understand your point that she probably has been through a lot but when she adopted that child it became hers. And I am sure the agency wasn't as forthcoming as they should have been. I am 100% sure of that.

If it was her own biological child and you just sent them off somewhere people would be just as outraged.

Obviously this child needed help and it was her responsibility and she failed miserably. Maybe she needed help too but there were 2 people involved in this. The Grandmother and the Mother. How they heck do 2 grown adults come to the conclusion that sending the kid back like they did is the answer.

ITA, regardless of what was withheld, they should have tried to help this poor kid instead of sending him back. I'm thinking they watched the movie Orphan recently and took it a bit to heart and became paranoid, its the only thing I can think of that would make 2 adults, one even a nurse to do something like this and try to justify it.

This is an awful story on so many levels.

But...how in the world did she get a 7 year old on a plane by himself all the way to Siberia? Even if she'd purchased herself a ticket as well, and walked him through security, how would she have gotten him on the plane?? And certainly there would be layovers? He just sat on a flight with this note that said 'I no longer wish to parent this child' and he somehow miraculously found his way back? And found someone who knew who he was and what orphanage he came from and who adopted him? Not to mention he probably didn't speak English yet.

Hmm...

ETA: I see that it says she put him on the plane as an unaccompanied minor...still doesn't add up.

The article from the AP says she paid someone $200 to take the child somewhere (I can't recall where) when he landed. I just can't even imagine someone doing something like that to a 7 year old. WTH is wrong with people.

 

[dalt01]

after reading a couple of other storys about this it would seem that something i have always felt may be going on here and that is when two sides are so diametrically opposed, the truth lies somewhere near the middle. if the russians responisibe had what they considered a sociopath on there hands they would most likely color the profile away from that. the new parents on the other hand, expecting Pooh and getting Stitch, would not bond and would be shocked and feel like they were in over their heads and make it seem worse that it really is. i think when this plays out there will be more than enough blame to go around.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I am sure there is more to this story than has been released so far.

It could be that the adoption has not been finalized yet and she is not legally his mother (in that sense). I am wondering why she did not go back to the adoption agency and her social worker through that agency and work things out through them--another family or returning him to Russia.

My heart breaks for all of those involved.

 

[MushyMushy]

I think this is WAY more common than many would like to think. I used to be involved in a lot of adoption sites several years ago (I'm an adoptee) and you'd hear these stories a lot. A lot of these kids who grew up in orphanages have RAD (as another poster mentioned), and there is simply no bond between them and the adoptive parents.

Personally, I think the adoptive parents *should* give the child back up to someone more capable of handling this horrible disorder, but to abandon the kid? That's criminal, and there should be severe consequences.

 

[cheermom1]

What is RAD and how does it effect the child? I really want to know so i can better understand and did this boy have this?

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Russian adoptions are finalized in a Russian court. All international adoptions are final before a visa can be issued. That's why it is so desirable to families.

 

[Silent1CB]

This story makes me remember parents "threatening" to ship kids off to the orphanage if they didn't stop behaving badly. Obviously, it didn't work on him. I've read several of the stories and he was threatening to burn the house down with the family inside & drawing pictures of it.

I don't know if she tried to get him help, but yes, obviously, the kid has issues.

 

[iwrbnd]

Asbolutely heartbreaking!

 

[MushyMushy]

What is RAD and how does it effect the child? I really want to know so i can better understand and did this boy have this?

I'm sure someone will chime in who knows a lot more about it than me, but basically, kids who are severely neglected or abused, or who switch caregivers a lot in their infancy can fail to bond or attach with people and this will affect them the rest of their lives. The child will be completely unresponsive to love or affection.

Like I said, that's just a basic description.

 

[crashbb]

This is an awful story on so many levels.

But...how in the world did she get a 7 year old on a plane by himself all the way to Siberia? Even if she'd purchased herself a ticket as well, and walked him through security, how would she have gotten him on the plane?? And certainly there would be layovers? He just sat on a flight with this note that said 'I no longer wish to parent this child' and he somehow miraculously found his way back? And found someone who knew who he was and what orphanage he came from and who adopted him? Not to mention he probably didn't speak English yet.

Hmm...

ETA: I see that it says she put him on the plane as an unaccompanied minor...still doesn't add up.

He flew to Moscow, not Siberia, and UA has direct flights.

The family arranged for someone to pick him up in Moscow and the man did so. As far as UA knew, the child was a normal unaccompanied minor.

Adds up fine to me.

Well, that part. The idea that the women just sent him back to Moscow is insane to me.

 

[Silent1CB]

Wonder if she took any other actions before this to try to maybe more legally end the adoption. Or get help. Perhaps this was the last straw in trying to deal with the Russian agencies?

 

[LisaR]

Wonder if she took any other actions before this to try to maybe more legally end the adoption. Or get help. Perhaps this was the last straw in trying to deal with the Russian agencies?

He was adopted in September and the social worker did a home visit in January and there were not any complaints at the time from the mother or grandmother. The bad behavior started up after the January visit. That means this has only been happening for three months tops. I highly doubt they exhausted all their resources in three months time.

I do believe the adoption agency lied to them. We have an adopted child ourselves and I think this is very common from what I have seen.

I know parents reach the end of their rope at times but after only three months??

 

[lemondog]

Google Reactive Attachment Disorder and you will get all kinds of info on RAD.

Okay I am getting up on my soapbox now people. As the mother of a Russian child (adopted in 2002) I feel very passionately about this...

IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW BAD THE SITUATION IS!!!! THERE ARE PROPER CHANNELS TO FOLLOW WHEN DISRUPTING AN ADOPTION AND THIS WOMAN DID NOT FOLLOW THEM!!!!

There are plenty of families in the US who have disrupted their adoptions of Russian children, the children are re-adopted domestically by other US families. You DO NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES put a 7yo child on a plane and ship him back to Russia. Period!!! No I don't know all the circumstances but YES I am passing judgement on this woman. She did a horrible, terrible thing. She is an adult, a NURSE for goodness sake, she knows better than to do what she did.

She is trying to blame her agency but EVERYONE who adopts from Russia knows there are NO guarantees about the health of your child, I for one did not believe one word I was told at the orphanage about our DD because I knew they are there to make everything sound rosy posy and peachy keen. It's sad, but that's reality. And another thing, we promised UNDER OATH in the courtroom, as does EVERY adoptive couple in Russia, to treat the child no differently than we would a biological child no matter what UNKNOWN problems might arise down the road. She is trying to play victim here but I don't buy it. She knew what she was getting into. You HAVE to in order to get thru all the hoops just to adopt internationally.

I will be SO interested to see what happens with this case. I think of that poor boy who now has NO chance, she has effectively doomed him to a life on the streets of Russia when he gets older. And all those families still in the process of adopting who now may never get to...if Russia has their way all adoptions in Russia by US citizens will come to a halt.

So sad on so many levels.

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

I remember seeing a movie on TV yrs ago similar to this, about a young girl that was sent back to either Russia or Ukraine if I recall. The reason was the girl was extremely damaged psychologically and dangerous to her other child. Does anyone recall this story? I believe it was based on a true story. It was sad and the young girl was beautiful but the parents could not handle her.

 

[lemondog]

I remember seeing a movie on TV yrs ago similar to this, about a young girl that was sent back to either Russia or Ukraine if I recall. The reason was the girl was extremely damaged psychologically and dangerous to her other child. Does anyone recall this story? I believe it was based on a true story. It was sad and the young girl was beautiful but the parents could not handle her.

Yep, it was an episode of 20/20. The girl was beautiful but severely emotionally disturbed and dx with RAD. Those parents did fear for their other children's safety, rightly so, but they disrupted the adoption via the appropriate channels and the girl was eventually re-adopted by another American family.

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

Yep, it was an episode of 20/20. The girl was beautiful but severely emotionally disturbed and dx with RAD. Those parents did fear for their other children's safety, rightly so, but they disrupted the adoption via the appropriate channels and the girl was eventually re-adopted by another American family.

Yes, you are right! I just remembered myself that it was a documentary was going to edit. That was it. Thank you. I thought they had actually sent her back. I do remember they were trying to send her back initially if I recall correctly. She was beautiful girl, but extremely disturbed and frightening in her behaviors. I believe there was a young boy they were concerned about her being a danger to? don't remember if he was adopted himself. I wonder how she made out with the other family. Maybe they will follow up with that story.

 

[pigletgirl]

Wow, that is unbelievable!!!

On another note:
I know a family who adopted a little boy who was unadopted by a family because they didn't 'like' him. But now he's thriving a whatnot. I just cannot believe someone would do such an awful thing! That poor kid is totally scarred for life.

ETA: That boy that was readopted has RAD. Basically the child distances him/herself from the family to 'protect' themselves from regection. They don't allow the family to love them. It often comes from not being held as an infant in an orphanage. But what I've also been told is that unborn children can suffer too. That really amazed me.

Its a very complex disease that is often accompioned by mental illness. That kid also has manic depression. The whole thing is just SAD!