Family adopts russian boy and then sends him back

[Halloweenqueen]

I'm sorry, but how can anyone defend this woman.


She adopted him in September.

Told her adoption agency and social worker everything was great as late as January.

Started the adoption process for another child. This means getting a different evaluation from a new agency and social worker. I'm sure she gave positive answers to her experience. No agency would have her proceed with another adoption if her recent adoption had issues.


We find out that no one has seen this child outside the home compound.

No public school. No record of homeschooling. No church, no friends, etc.

She NEVER contacts a doctor, child services, adoption agency, etc for help.

She contacts someone (alledgedly through Craigslist) to pick up her son at the Moscow International Airport to bring him to a government building.

Has her mother drive the child to DC to put him on a non-stop flight.

Lies to the child about a supposed vacation.

Is not cooperating with authorities. I understand this is her right, but I would love to know if she consulted with this attorney before she placed the on boy on the flight to see what the consequences were.


This boy has been evaluated and has been found to be PERFECTLY FINE. They even interviewed the boy on GMA. He said the mother was harsh, but never hit him. She pulled his hair once. If he was the troubled boy the mother said he was, I'm sure his response would have been very negative. He just seemed confused and shy.

This woman deserves NO PITY.

 

[EMom]

There is a whole lot of conjecture out there and the only way it's going to clear up is if the woman herself will speak out. But since she won't, she will continue to be guilty of abandoning her son, in my eyes.

As I stated in an earlier post my best friend is a state attorney general and handles DCS caseloads. She is supposed to be briefed tomorrow and will tell me anything she is allowed to disclose. She has done a little bit of research on her own and so far cannot find any laws under which to prosecute the woman, but she feels positive that there will QUICKLY be a law put in place to ever keep this from happening again.

Taking a very quick look at the TN statutes, I see at least a couple under which she could be prosecuted. A shortened version...Neglect reasonably expected to produce severe psychosis, severe neurotic disorder, severe depression, severe developmental delay or retardation, or severe impairment of the child's ability to function adequately in the child's environment, and the knowing failure to protect a child from such conduct. I'd say tossing a kid alone on a plane to another country and saying you don't want to be his mother any more just might mess a kid up THAT BAD.

They also have a cetegory of child neglect for a parent who neglects or refuses to provide the necessary medical, surgical, institutional or hospital care. What care did she give him? She can claim putting him on a plane to Russia was "care" I suppose, but considering she appears to have done NADA in the US, I think she's fair game under this law as well. You can't say the child was soooooo messed up you feared for your life, but it was too much trouble to ask ANYONE for help, advice or assistance. Just not credible.

If I had to put on glasses with Coke bottle lenses, I'd find a way to prosecute her. Someone ought to volunteer to represent the boy and sue her in civil court as well.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Great posts, Emom and Hallowqueen. ITA with both of them.

In a way, the woman in this story reminds me of Octomom. Granted, Octo hasn't done anything heinous like this woman (yet); I guess it's the craziness factor coupled with an apparent need to acquire children.

I wonder what she spent in total just to do the adoption in the first place--agency fees, document authentication, traveling to Russia, legal fees, etc. Are we talking around $10K?

 

[Pigeon]

The authorities are doing some research and some investigating. They'll find something to charge this woman with. Just give it a little time.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Great posts, Emom and Hallowqueen. ITA with both of them.

In a way, the woman in this story reminds me of Octomom. Granted, Octo hasn't done anything heinous like this woman (yet); I guess it's the craziness factor coupled with an apparent need to acquire children.

I wonder what she spent in total just to do the adoption in the first place--agency fees, document authentication, traveling to Russia, legal fees, etc. Are we talking around $10K?

No, more like 30, although WACAP has really good financial aid for hard to place children, so it's possible that she paid less than 30K.

 

[EMom]

Great posts, Emom and Hallowqueen. ITA with both of them.

In a way, the woman in this story reminds me of Octomom. Granted, Octo hasn't done anything heinous like this woman (yet); I guess it's the craziness factor coupled with an apparent need to acquire children.

I wonder what she spent in total just to do the adoption in the first place--agency fees, document authentication, traveling to Russia, legal fees, etc. Are we talking around $10K?

Don't adoptive parents wish! When we adopted in 2000, it was common for Russian adoptions to run $25,000-$35,000. That is not the quote you would get from agencies, but once you added up everything (travel, misc.) that's what it really was. Back then, the adoption tax credit was $5000. Within a few months after the tax credit went up to $10,000, many agencies raised their fees by that additional $5000......So the extra tax credit really amounted to nothing.

Travel costs alone can run well over $10,000. Our first trip was in high season and we paid a fortune for the airfare. No choice. DH and I didn't mind that we had to stay for an extended period, since we'd always wanted to visit Russia. We just viewed it as a bonus vacation. An expensive bonus vacation.

All I can say is that if an agency quotes you X amount, you'd be smart to plan for at least $5,000-$10,000 over that and perhaps more. That goes for most countries. A few have more rigid costs, but whenever there is the variable of travel, costs can go all over the place.

Yes, international adoption is expensive. But at the end of it, we had a baby to go with a slimmer bank account. I cannot say the same about the 4 rounds of IVF and resulting miscarriages. Lots of money spent, no baby, much heartache. International adoption was much kinder to us.

Not all agencies have the same fee schedules, as someone mentioned. Some will charge you twice as much to adopt two children at once, while another might charge you just a few thousand more. Some charge a fairly similar amount to adopt an infant or an older child, while others will charge less for an older child, realizing that child is harder to place. It varies.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Yes, international adoption is expensive. But at the end of it, we had a baby to go with a slimmer bank account. I cannot say the same about the 4 rounds of IVF and resulting miscarriages. Lots of money spent, no baby, much heartache. International adoption was much kinder to us.

I'm sorry to read that you went through that, Emom, but glad that it worked out so that you have a loving family now.

 

[ZachnElli]

We have adopted three children. We started off going to an agency that did both domestic and international adoptions. We found out that our best chance to adopt was to foster a child. We were warned that it may take many placements before a child would be free to adopt. We thought this would take a huge emotional toll on ourselves and our son. He was two years old and it would be hard to explain.

We then looked into private domestic adoption. Our agency told us point blank that we would have a LONG wait. They said our family wouldn't appeal to most birth mothers. We already had a biological child, etc.
After doing tons of research we decided to go to China to adopt. We were deep into getting our paperwork (dossier) ready when our agency told us of a girl in Russia. The possible adoptive parents had gotten cold feet . The child was paper ready and they needed a paper ready family so she could be adopted asap. We made the quick decision to switch our paperwork from China to Russia. Two months later we had our daughter. (at 11 months of age)

We later adopted twice from China. Our daughter (at 13 months) and our son (at 4 years).

The US system is as flawed as many countries. It is a sad fact that so many US children miss out on a forever family.

We had 2 bio children when we adopted domestically, just one state over, in Idaho through a private agency. You should have shopped more for a better agency. Not only, did we have an infant in under 6 months, we were contacted when he was 10 months old to see if we wanted to adopt again as they really needed adoptive families. We adopted in 2005, contacted for the other infant in Jan 2006.

 

[laurie31]

Did you guys see this yet? Warning, though, I'm sitting here crying after reading it. It's heartbreaking.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/europe/04/13/russia.adoption.returned/index.html?hpt=T2

That poor little boy sure doesn't sound like a violent psychopath. I wasn't able to have another child after my son and would have loved to adopt, but my husband was less than enthusiastic about the idea. What I wouldn't do to have a little boy like him to love and care for.

I did hear on one news report that many Russians have inquired about adopting him. I hope and pray he winds up being adopted by loving parents who deserve him.

I read the linked article. Wow.

Chuck Crawford, attorney general for the district, said officials have not determined whether the case constitutes child abandonment,

Seriously??? They haven't determined if putting a child on a one way flight to a foreign country is abandonment??? What else could it possibly be?


No one is suggesting that he should have stayed in the home if he was indeed a threat, but there were a myriad of other things the mom could have done instead. However, it's starting to look more and more like the poor child was normal and it was the woman who needs to be in an institution! At least there are Russian families coming forward to take the child; hopefully he will find a loving permanent home.

 

[Ericandjenng]

Let me first say, I think this woman ought to be put under a jail somewhere. If you are going to adopt, especially from a foreign country where you will have less ongoing support from local agencies, research, research, research!! In this day and age with all the internet access and whatnot, a potential adopting parent has so much readily available info that they should not walk into an adopting situation not understanding what they are getting themselves into.

We used to be foster parents and one child had RAD. The child had been in DCS care for 11 years when he came to us and had repeatedly been misdiagnosed. He may have had some of the other things also but RAD was definitely his main issue. Each time prior to us getting him diagnosed that DCS had a chance to work on getting him help, they just moved him. We did have him moved to another family that could better support the incredibly long treatment plan that was required. Length of treatment for RAD varies and increases the older the child is when it's diagnosed and treatment begins. And even normal life events (death of a grandparent, etc) can disrupt treatment. We still feel guilty for not being able to support this child through this process. And no we didn't have children of our own at the time. But we also had another foster child at the time and older parents and those things had to be taken into consideration too.

I know from our experience, the RAD child lied, misconstrued, and would say just about anything. He also talked in 3rd person. He would tell us something that someone did in a previous foster home, we thought it was another child and then afterwards we found out it was him! RAD children usually are very good initially, the violent, aggressive behaviors start after they get comfortable...hence, the "attachment" disorder. Basically they are pushing you away as hard as they can before you can push them away.

Another thing about fostering and adopting, there is what trainers call the "honeymoon" period. You seem like perfect parents, the kid(s) seem like perfect kid(s).....but like a real honeymoon, it doesn't last. Reality sets in. You, the kids get comfortable and no one makes the same effort as they did at first and some people have trouble adjusting.

I am not excusing this woman in any way. I just wonder how she was able to pass the home study and everything if she is the way that she appears to be now. A thorough home study and all that goes into fostering/adopting is very invasive. I went through it as a single parent and then again after I married, we went through it together--and will go through it again when our kids are older and we get back into fostering.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

We had 2 bio children when we adopted domestically, just one state over, in Idaho through a private agency. You should have shopped more for a better agency. Not only, did we have an infant in under 6 months, we were contacted when he was 10 months old to see if we wanted to adopt again as they really needed adoptive families. We adopted in 2005, contacted for the other infant in Jan 2006.

This happened to our friends, too. They have two just a year apart, though they waited about 15 months for the first.

We waited about a year for our private, domestic adoption, barely more time than a pregnancy. A year was the average wait at our agency, though we were supposed to be on the long side, too, because already had one biological child. We were actually chosen by a different birthmom in just 3 months, but we declined that placement for reasons that don't really matter to this thread.

To us, the important thing was not how long the route would take, but what would be most beneficial to our future child. We really believe that it's best for a child to have access to his/her birthparents, so we wanted an open adoption, with a birthmother in our state. YMMV, of course. There are many children in need of homes all over the world, and each potential adoptive family should take the route that appeals to them. I'm sorry for some of the bad experiences that previous posters have had, but just want to point out that domestic adoption can also go smoothly and be a great experience. In addition to my own family, we know quite a few that have adopted both through private agencies and foster care without the troubles that have already been described in these threads.

 

[MrsPete]

since technically she's his mother now, isn't that illegal? That poor boy!

Parents can voluntarily remand custody of their children to the state (or to a family member). And absolutely nothing happens to them.

I'm adopted and this story is horrible but....it is reported by the Grandmother that the child was violent and abusive to his adoptive family. I watched some documentary on the Russian children put up for adoption and the children could be quite scary and manipulative because of what they had been exposed to in their early lives. She was wrong for what she did - but there has to be more to this story.

I agree that there's more to it -- the media isn't always out to inform us. They thrive upon creating controversy and perpetuating themselves. None of us really know what went on.

If the boy was violent and dangerous, I would stop to think about how that would affect my biological son. Not because he's more precious than an adopted child, but because he deserves protection. What if he had harmed that other child? That would be equally horrific, and people would be saying, "Why didn't she protect her biological son?"

I think this is WAY more common than many would like to think.

True. Some adoptions go wonderfully well, while others fail. This one is noteworthy only because of the international context and the cold-hearted method in which she returned him to Russia.

There are plenty of families in the US who have disrupted their adoptions of Russian children, the children are re-adopted domestically by other US families. You DO NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES put a 7yo child on a plane and ship him back to Russia. Period!!!

I have no idea what those procedures are, but I would've assumed that they existed. I wonder what steps she took before this drastic one.

Thanks, this article provides a lot more info.

I think the most telling fact in this article is that he lived with his mother until he was six, and she was an alcoholic. Although he probably didn't have a good upbringing in those six years, it was enough to become very attached to his real mother. I wonder if that's not worse than living in an orphanage.

However, I also believe that the truth is somewhere in the middle.

It almost always is.

When you give birth to children, you can't give them back to anyone if they develop physical, mental or behavioral health problems. You find help for them.

Not necessarily. Some people choose to abort children whom they know will have medical issues. Some people instituationalize children whom they can't handle. Some people give custody of their children over to the state or -- more commonly -- push them off on relatives. A few even kill their children. Everyone doesn't step up to the plate to handle their biological children's problems.

Let me be blunt. Adoption, be it domestic or international, is a BUSINESSS and there is an incredible amount of money to be made.

Is it really? I thought adoption was a service to take care of children. I know that there are agencies here (i.e., the Baptist Children's Home and Catholic Adoption Services) that -- although expensive -- genuinely exist to help the children. And my mom used to handle adoptions through Social Services, although those were almost exclusively family-adoptions (i.e., grandparents adopt a two-year old because their adult daughter has a drug problem and is about to lose custody). Perhaps international adoptions are different.

Do we know if this woman is a registered nurse? I know I read that she's a "nurse," but in the media, that could mean a lot of things (e.g., LPN, medical assistant, PCA, etc.).

I was thinking the same thing. When you say "nurse", you tend to think of an RA with at least a bachelor's degree, a person who's state-certified, mentally stable, kind and compassionate. But she could be some idiot who picked up a CNA license because it's fairly easy to earn, and she might work the night shift at the nursing home. The term "nurse" covers a great deal of possibilities.

I wouldn't say that anyone has tried to "justify" this woman's actions; I think some of us would like to hear the entire story before completely condeming her.

Absolutely. I'm not in her camp, nor am I willing to stone her. Since we don't know her personally, and since the media isn't likely to tell the real tale, you and I are likely never to be able to make a sound judgement on right and wrong in this situation.

I can see the desire to not inform a teacher of the adoption in fear of the teacher forming a prejudice, but I really don't think that's wise.

I've known three girls adopted from Russia (sisters), and two of them were very strong academic strudents -- they're in college now -- while the other struggled with written English (it was a processing/translating thing) but did well in other areas of school. Of course, they had the benefit of an outstanding, supportive adoptive mother. I assure you, there is no prejudice against Russian adoptees in the school system.

On the positive side: I'd be willing to bet that with all the media attention this case has produced, someone will adopt this child. He will get the help he needs. Obviously, he'll have some serious things to overcome, and it will probably haunt him forever . . . but once a kid like this is in the media's eye, people help. He's probably better off than the multitudes of faceless kids who are languishing in the orphanage just out of the public eye.

 

[EMom]

Yes, I do stand by my statement that adoption is a business and there is a lot of money to be made. There are exceptions, such as foster care adoptions, where the cost is very low and no one is making money. But look behind the curtain and there is a lot of what I call "mystery money" floating around, usually described as this fee or that fee. If you truly found out the actual cost of what that fee represented, you'd discover a huge markup.

There are many people in the field of adoption who are there for the children. But I saw far too many (domestic and international) who may have started out that way, but somewhere along the journey, their mindset altered. This is a very simplistic explanation, but it seems that if the person was at all susceptible to ethical weakness, the readily available money was just too easy to resist. They may justify the McMansions, luxury cars, massive bonuses and salaries, etc. by telling themselves that in the end, CHILDREN are being served and after all aren't they working hard to help them, but it is merely a justification.

In international adoption, the easiest way to gouge adoptive parents for mystery money was the "foreign country fee." Try getting a straight answer as to where that goes. Many agencies imply it goes for bribes, but I managed (along with a group of other adoptive parents) to get a thorough backdoor look at what really went on in Russia and what really seemed to happen more was that the money was hand carried to Russia and at some point was hand carried back to the US. After that, who knows where it went.... But the Russian government charges NOTHING to adopt. It's free. Kind of like foster care adoptions here.

In domestic adoptions, there are other ways. My favorite (yes, that's sarcasm) was when some agencies charged widely different fees for the home study based on the race of the child you wished to adopt. Let's face it, every child is getting the same home study by the same social worker, so why should the HS for a White child cost several times that of a Black child? Because the agency knew more people wanted White children and it was a way to get more money. It creeped me out since it smacked of saying Black kids were only worth a fraction of what White kids were worth. It's been a while since we adopted and I know we didn't consider domestic for long, but that one stuck in my head for obvious reasons. But I can tell you there were other iffy fees and charges.

Take a look at the salary of many of the agency heads. You won't have to look hard to find high 6 figures and I seem to remember one that made 7 figures almost 10 years ago.

Maybe it's because I had a background in law, but I never took an agency's word for fees, charges or them telling me "that's just the way it's done." I never took their word for what the law was. I always did the research myself and more than once, I caught agencies (domestic and international) giving bad info. Some were lying, some just were misinformed. Either can hurt/ruin an adoption. But the lying ones were all too often using an adoptive parent's ignorance of the law and desperation for a child as an excuse to take advantage of them. That's why I tell adoptive parents that they must look out for themselves. I would see a fee for X amount but know it should really be only half that......See a blanket charge for "document prep" and wonder why if Couple A had 5 times as many docs as Couple B, why did both have to pay $X thousand? Why wasn't the fee based on reality? Things of that nature. All sorts of built in profit.

Americans in general are particularly trusting of anyone who claims to be (1) in it "for the children" and/or (2) a Christian doing God's work. Understand, I am a Christian. But it is a tried and true method to dupe the vulnerable by claiming to be a "good Christian" especially if you're "helping little children." That's a two-fer! It's sometimes hard to separate the authentic from the snake oil salesmen. Adoption is very expensive in many cases and that muddies the water even more.

 

[bumbershoot]

Adoptions are a business; there are a whole lot of people involved, and those people aren't volunteers. So at least some of the money is earned by those people...baby houses, legal stuff, etc etc etc.


Anyone can go to wacap's website and download the PDFs of the various costs. Russia right now is going to run between mid 25K and highish 29K. And that is BEFORE traveling. Two trips are required. Paying wacap for the travel gets you ground transport, translator, hotel rooms, visas, and air fare.

For Kazakhstan (where our hearts lie for adoption), it's nearly double that. And 3 trips are required.


HUGE expenses. It's why it's shocking to me that someone so flighty would have gone the int'l adoption route. It's so much money if you're not in it for keeps, or at least not capable of following the actual procedures if things aren't working.

 

[RitaZ.]

Yes, I do stand by my statement that adoption is a business and there is a lot of money to be made.

I agree. It is a business. If it was done purely for the benefit of uniting children with new parents, it wouldn't be as costly as it is.

Has anyone read any updates on the story? Has the mother been interviewed yet? Anything new?

 

[lemondog]

I agree. It is a business. If it was done purely for the benefit of uniting children with new parents, it wouldn't be as costly as it is.

Has anyone read any updates on the story? Has the mother been interviewed yet? Anything new?

Still nothing. I am waiting to talk to my friend who is the DCS attorney covering that area. She was supposed to be briefed today. I did read in one news report there was talk of Virginia charging her with child abandonment because that is where he was "dropped" onto the flight, but they have decided to not press charges.

I think they are still looking for SOME way to arrest her that cannot be fought/overturned by her attorneys. I imagine there are many loopholes in this situation and that her attorneys would fight any kind of indictment.

 

[RitaZ.]

Still nothing. I am waiting to talk to my friend who is the DCS attorney covering that area. She was supposed to be briefed today. I did read in one news report there was talk of Virginia charging her with child abandonment because that is where he was "dropped" onto the flight, but they have decided to not press charges.

I think they are still looking for SOME way to arrest her that cannot be fought/overturned by her attorneys. I imagine there are many loopholes in this situation and that her attorneys would fight any kind of indictment.

 

[charliemikeoh]

Please, if anyone is desperate and wants to try and AVOID disruption of your adoption --- please, please, please seek out a TRAINED respite provider and then get as much training by RAD experts like Nancy Thomas (my trainer), Foster Cline, Deborah Hague, Daniel Amen, etc., as you possibly can.

We respite providers can only do so much ... and too often all the hard work dissolves when the child returns to his or her home and nothing there has changed. There are some VERY effective parenting methods for these children ... 1oo% of the RAD children who have come through our home have improved dramatically. 100%. But the parents have got to learn the same tools, training and techniques that we use.

My husband and I have a vision for FAMILY respite retreats on my family's 56-acre guest farm where three families can come and learn more about how to manage their children's behaviors, how to heal the broken bonds and restore the children to what God intended them to be (happy, healthy, loving).

Please join my blog and take our poll.
respiteretreat.wordpress.com
Thanks --- and be blessed and encouraged today! You are not alone!
---Christy