Facebook dilemma

[Kim&Chris]

Looking for opinions.

I am "facebook friends" with my husband's 14 year-old-niece. When she was a little girl, she was at my house all the time (she only lives a few houses away). We'd bake, do arts & crafts, go swimming, etc. I have lots of great memories of spending lots of fun, quality time with her.

Now she's 14 and growing up a bit too fast. I rarely see her around the neighborhood anymore, as she spends lots of time with friends.

Here's the problem: she puts some of the most profane language on facebook I've ever read. I mean, things that I could not even repeat to my husband. Neither of her parents are on facebook, so they don't see this stuff.

So here's my question: should I tell her mother (my husband's sister)? Or should I mind my own business because, after all, teenagers are teenagers. I just want to do what's right by her. Not having kids of my own, I'm never really sure about this stuff

 

[Swimnoid]

Looking for opinions.

I am "facebook friends" with my husband's 14 year-old-niece. When she was a little girl, she was at my house all the time (she only lives a few houses away). We'd bake, do arts & crafts, go swimming, etc. I have lots of great memories of spending lots of fun, quality time with her.

Now she's 14 and growing up a bit too fast. I rarely see her around the neighborhood anymore, as she spends lots of time with friends.

Here's the problem: she puts some of the most profane language on facebook I've ever read. I mean, things that I could not even repeat to my husband. Neither of her parents are on facebook, so they don't see this stuff.

So here's my question: should I tell her mother (my husband's sister)? Or should I mind my own business because, after all, teenagers are teenagers. I just want to do what's right by her. Not having kids of my own, I'm never really sure about this stuff

If you are comfortable with it you could ask her about it and point out all the reasons she should watch how she presents herself on facebook. This could get you unfriended though.

 

[ilovejack02]

Depends on how close you are to the sister I guess. I am friends with my BFF's daughter on F.B Since my best friend doesn't get on quite as much I do, I will mention If I see something questionable on her DD's F.B. to her.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I think you should definitely mention it to the parents, although I do think they are being somewhat lax for not being on top of their child and what she does online. It's the only way I let my daughter (14) have a FB page -- I am your friend and I have your password. Once you mention it to the parents and nothing changes, you've done your part and can walk away.

 

[Sneezie]

I would definitely talk to her about it and if she doesn't watch what she's putting on there or even if she unfriends you I would let her parents know.

My daughter and alot of my Catechism students are my fb friends and they know that I will comment on anything that is disrespectful.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

We are in exactly this situation with my DH's younger cousin and also a teenage girl from our church.

I haven't - and won't- say anythign to the parents. Its the parents job to monitor, or choose not to monitor, the child's facebook interactions. If the parent chooses not to monitor thier child's online activities, I'm not going to butt in.

Beleive me, its been tempting, though. I did say something to the girl at our church, like "you talk to Jesus with that mouth?" I laughed and said I was joking, but I did just want to hint and make her aware to be a little more thoughtful in what she says.

 

[cheermom1]

I would talk to dh about it and show him some of the things she posts. I would let him handle his sister. good luck

 

[emh1129]

I don't friend nieces/nephews/acquaintances that young. I've had that situation come up a few times, but it makes me uncomfortable. Either that I won't like what I see on their page or I don't want to worry about another friend writing something on mine that may not be kid-appropriate or whatever.
So I keep my 'friend' list to adults only.

I wouldn't tell her parents about that stuff, if it's just language. I would only step in if there were safety concerns.

 

[turkeymama]

Is she just using inappropriate foul language? If the answer is yes, then I wouldn't get involved.

If she is engaging in inappropriate behavior, I would step in and say something. A 12 year old boy in the neighboring parish from us was kidnapped and murdered about a week ago and the predator contacted him through FB. The guy posed as a 13 year old girl and arranged a meeting. Believe me when I say things like this just don't happen here. In other words, anything can happen anywhere.

I guess you have to walk a fine line with the situation. Like I said, if she is doing something that could land her in danger, intervene. If she is using language that her parents wouldn't approve of, let it be.

 

[iNTeNSeBLue98]

I would speak directly with the niece and remind her that not only "friends" read FB posts. In the years ahead (who knows where technology will take us in 5 years) potential employers and college admission officers could read similar posts and may react negatively.

My DH and I are both FB friends with our 18yo DD. The kids feel anonymous behind their computer screens. She has been told numerous times to ease up on the fowl language, because it isn't just her friends reading, but also us and other extended family. She hasn't posted so much lately, but often times posts things she doesn't want us to see on MySpace. I respect her privacy too, and only ask about her posts where I feel a need to be concerned about her well-being.

 

[DisneySaver28]

I wouldn't say anything. At 14 years old, I would imagine she is in high school? If you walk down the halls of many high schools, you will hear much worse than what you would think! As long as her privacy settings are set so that strangers can't see her information, facebook is her time to be with her friends. As long as she doesn't say things like that around adults in real life, I don't think there is a problem.

 

[pigletgirl]

No, absolutely not, unless its a dangerous thing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

For starters, it is your husbands sister, not YOUR sister. That is one boundary line I would not cross with a teen who is a girl, unless as other posters say you see pics of her drinking, getting high, etc. Then I would tell dh to tell sis to come over and have a look at her page.

I recently joined FB and I saw my 19yo's page. We looked thru it and made her change stuff.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

It's not your job to parent the girl. If her parents were concerned about what their daughter was doing, wouldn't they be monitoring her Facebook page?

 

[ilovepcot]

It's not your job to parent the girl. If her parents were concerned about what their daughter was doing, wouldn't they be monitoring her Facebook page?

Exactly right!

 

[Mermaid02]

Since it's family- yes I would "squeal" BUT I would have my husband tell his sister.

 

[wilderness01]

I agree it is your sil's job to keep tabs on her daughter.

FB sometimes gives you an insight as to how the kid's talk doesn't it? I monitor my kids allllllllllll the time, however some of my friends think it is terrible that I do. I don't' make comments on their page, but will pull them aside and make them take off a joined group, saying from a movie, i.e. The Hangover, etc. It's my right as a parent I feel, but not everyone feels the same way.

 

[Tink888]

I agree with others who've said that unless you saw her engaging in dangerous behavior.....drinking, provocative pics, etc.......I wouldn't say anything to her parents.

At that age it just seems like the use of profanity is the first way they can rebel. It's taboo and they think they sound cool and don't realize that to everyone else they just sound crude and not very educated. It was the same way when I was growing up.

Are you still close enough with her that you can talk to her? I've told my sons this....."while they and their friends might think it's cool, that's not the impression that adults have when they see/hear it and it's not something they'd want to be judged on. The thing about the internet is once you put it out there, it's out there forever and they need to remember that they're online friends include adults & relatives so they need to keep it clean and think before they post."

So far that's worked and their pages have been clean.

 

[Kim&Chris]

Thanks everyone! As you can imagine, most of the status updates are about some boy she likes, and another girl that likes him as well. You know, that typical high school silliness.

I'll talk to DH tonight and see what he thinks.

 

[DisneySaver28]

Also, keep in mind, facebook recently changed their privacy settings to give users more control. For example, I could write a profanity-filled status update and allow everyone but family to be able to see it. This means that the parents monitoring their kids accounts from their own separate account would never know it was even on the wall.

If you mention the profanity, she might restrict your settings on her account. I would ignore the language and just make sure she stays out of any real trouble.