Explaining Your Divorce to a Child

[va32h]

I am going to file for divorce. I never ever thought I would make that statement. It goes against everything I believe. I swore a million times I wouldn't do it. I stood by through long separations, war, and substance abuse. But one of those deal-breaker moments has occurred. And I can't go back.

We haven't told our children (ages 10, 6, and 2). I don't know how. It's still very contentious (my husband does not want the divorce) and very emotional.

My youngest I am not too worried about. She is 2 and will honestly, probably hardly notice. My 6yo son - I honestly don't know how he will react. He is closer to me than to his dad, as his dad has not been around for large periods of his life. But I don't know - I know that my brothers were deeply upset when my father left the family, and they weren't close to him either.

Dd10 is the one I really worry about. She is very, very close to her dad, and I know she will be angry with me, furious even, as this is "my doing" - I'm the one asking him to move out, I'm the one going forward.

Because she loves her dad, and because I think the reasons for my decision are too much for her to deal with, I can't tell her the truth, at least not now. Someday I hope she will understand that I am doing this as much for her as for me, that in the end it will work. But it breaks my heart to know how angry she is going to be at me.

I so much do not want to do this to them. I wanted them to have a two-parent family, with me at home, not working full time and shuffling them between two houses, two states, probably. I never imagined I'd be writing this or doing this. I have even thought about having a "no-divorce" divorce, just have us keep living separate lives in the same house so they won't have to be uprooted.

They don't even know anything is "wrong" at this point, we are still both living in the same house, although I am sleeping in another room. But I don't go to bed until after they do, and I get up before they do, so as far as I know they haven't noticed. I am being civil. My husband is acting like nothing is wrong, because that's what he's always done - act like nothing is wrong, and magically nothing will be wrong! But he is supposed to be out of the house by Monday, so I have to say something soon.

I am sorry to ramble, but I am not ready to tell my "real life" friends and family yet. Some will be saying I told you so, some will just be pitying me, some with think it's all my fault.

I just don't know what to do.

 

[Serena]

You're in a tough situation. Mine was easier because they were old enough, they could see for themselves what was going on.

My youngest was 10 or 11 when all of it happened.
Maybe you could tell her you love her very much and wish it could be different, but you have to do this right now.


I don't know. I wish you lots of luck.

 

[pearlieq]

I'm so sorry for your situation.

I was very young when my parents divorced, but I always thought my mom did a pretty good job handling questions as I got older. She simply explained that it wasn't good for any of us if she and my Dad kept living together. She was always careful to assure me that both of them still loved me and that would never stop, but that she and my Dad needed to live apart since being together was making them both very unhappy.

I figured out a lot as I got older, but I think my mom to a very healthy, classy approach to talking to us kids.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, I honestly don't know what to tell you is the right thing to say.

Since I have 9 & 14yo dd's I would say that the truth is probably best for the 10 & 6yo. Maybe not give as much detail to the 6yo as opposed to the 10yodd.

I might even take her out and tell her seperately, with both of you there if possible, that would be the best thing for her. She is the oldest and I know how my girls are with their daddy...at least with the truth she can know it and begin to live with it as opposed to wondering why, you know???
Esp. If your dh is emotional & doesn't want the divorce....He could start saying things & really confuse the heck out of her.

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[Disney_1derland]

Even though it is contentious, you need to talk to your dh privately, come to an understanding and present a united front for the children. They are too young to know the ins and outs and I am completely against telling them the 'adult' version of the story. It will only make them angry, hurt, confused, moreso than they are going to be. You and dh need to come up with an explanation and present it as a united front. You need to get him to understand that he needs to put the emotional welfare of the children above his own distress, as do you. It will be better for them.

I"m sorry, I've done it without kids and it was hard enough. My thoughts are with you.

 

[SillyMe]

Even though it is contentious, you need to talk to your dh privately, come to an understanding and present a united front for the children. They are too young to know the ins and outs and I am completely against telling them the 'adult' version of the story. It will only make them angry, hurt, confused, moreso than they are going to be. You and dh need to come up with an explanation and present it as a united front. You need to get him to understand that he needs to put the emotional welfare of the children above his own distress, as do you. It will be better for them.

I"m sorry, I've done it without kids and it was hard enough. My thoughts are with you.

Absolutely. While I was trying to figure out how to tell my dd6 that we were separating, my ex went behind my back and told her alone that we were separating. He laid a guilt trip on her because he was selfish and told her that "Mommy is leaving because she doesn't love me anymore".

I wish you the best.

 

[Caradana]

My mother got a seperation when I was 6, and she handled it brilliantly. I am sure that the mommy police might flip out when they hear this, but here's how she did it. She told us that "Mommy and Daddy are seperated, but he is going to be around a lot and everything is OK, and you are totally safe and nothing at all is your fault." And she did it without showing sadness or happiness, it was very calm and matter-of-fact. There was absolutely no information given about "Mommy wanted Daddy to move out" or "Daddy has another woman" or ANYTHING. Do not show ANY chink in the armor. Your kids will be silently afraid that bad things will happen.

They actually got a divorce in May of 1986, but didn't tell me until May of 1987. They let me believe that they were seperated. When my mother told me that they were divorced, I flipped out, screaming and crying. Then she said, "it's OK. We've been divorced for a year and nothing has changed, and you are still safe and it's not your fault, and everything will stay just the same as it has been for the last year, and tomorrow will be just like today." That calmed me INCREDIBLY.

My advice: don't tell them much. Be matter-of-fact, calm, and OK. Don't tell them you two are actually divorced for at least a year.

 

[va32h]

Even though it is contentious, you need to talk to your dh privately, come to an understanding and present a united front for the children.

I don't know when that is going to happen, as my husband has not at all accepted that this is it. As some of you have guessed, this is about infidelity, and since I forgave him for it once, a long time ago, I suppose it should not surprise me that he thinks I will forgive him again.

I have contacted a lawyer, it's probably going to get complicated because I will want to move out of the state; not to punish him, but to be nearer my family since I will need their help to rebuild our lives. But I don't think he'll believe it until the judge makes it so.

The kids think he is on a camping trip with friends this weekend, he is supposed to be looking for a place to live.

 

[christineann]

My kids were 6 and 9 when I left their father, and I just quietly explained to them that their father and I were happier when we were apart, and that it would be better to have two happy parents living apart that two unhappy parents living together. They knew there were problems (their father was abusive) and though they cried at first, they told me in a short period of time that they were happier, too. I found that as long as I remained calm and steady, they felt safe and secure.

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties, and I wish you strength. Keep a good sense of humor even when you think things can't get any worse!

 

[tiggersmom2]

I don't know when that is going to happen, as my husband has not at all accepted that this is it. As some of you have guessed, this is about infidelity, and since I forgave him for it once, a long time ago, I suppose it should not surprise me that he thinks I will forgive him again.

I have contacted a lawyer, it's probably going to get complicated because I will want to move out of the state; not to punish him, but to be nearer my family since I will need their help to rebuild our lives. But I don't think he'll believe it until the judge makes it so.

The kids think he is on a camping trip with friends this weekend, he is supposed to be looking for a place to live.

You are right if he is not reconciled to the divorce he won't be agreeable to providing a "united front". I must say...Good for you for putting the cards down. I can see forgiving infidelity maybe once....twice...no way in hell!!!! I wish you and your children the best.

 

[grlpwrd]

You're one of my favorite posters here... I wish you and your kids strength in the days ahead.

 

[Mimi Q]

 

[ckret01]

I can understand how hard it is for you to tell your kids. The only thing I would be worried about is, as a child, when they see their parents as normal (meaning no fighting and pretending everything is perfect and fine - couldn't think of another word) it might be harder for them to understand why mommy and daddy want to get a divorce when they have no idea what is going on then if they saw you were already unhappy for a while. But on the other hand you don't want them to know you are fighting or show them the bad side because they are your kids and they shouldn't see that stuff.

I do know that I give you a lot of credit for being strong enough to get yourself out of the situation you are in.

 

[ILUVMYBRIT]

Just wanted to send a hug and good thoughts for you all.

 

[MsLeFever]

She told us that "Mommy and Daddy are seperated, but he is going to be around a lot and everything is OK, and you are totally safe and nothing at all is your fault." And she did it without showing sadness or happiness, it was very calm and matter-of-fact.

My advice: don't tell them much. Be matter-of-fact, calm, and OK. Don't tell them you two are actually divorced for at least a year.

Sounds like great advice here - nothing to add other than . You didn't ask to be told this, probably because you already know but you are doing the best thing for you and for them. It sounds like you have done everything that anyone (anyone sane anyway) could expect you to do.

 

[LeCras]

I just want to echo what another poster said, you and your husband need to speak to the children together and present the divorce as a joint decision. And above all, tell them over and over that (even though mum and dad don't love each other the same anymore) NOTHING will ever change the love you have for the kids.

Charlotte

 

[Disney_1derland]

I don't know when that is going to happen, as my husband has not at all accepted that this is it. As some of you have guessed, this is about infidelity, and since I forgave him for it once, a long time ago, I suppose it should not surprise me that he thinks I will forgive him again.

I have contacted a lawyer, it's probably going to get complicated because I will want to move out of the state; not to punish him, but to be nearer my family since I will need their help to rebuild our lives. But I don't think he'll believe it until the judge makes it so.

The kids think he is on a camping trip with friends this weekend, he is supposed to be looking for a place to live.

I'm sorry. I hate that it is the way it is. I just think that as adults we should be able to put aside and do what is best for the children, even when it is not what we feel is best for us personally. I know that often that is not the reality and I'm sorry it's not going to work that way for you. My thoughts are with you, please keep us updated. Getting divorced was the hardest thing I have ever done and like I said before, I didn't have kids at the time. I can only imagine how much more difficult that makes it.

 

[we3disneygo]

you must be a very strong person--you'll be ok and so will your kids.

 

[DVC Sadie]

All the previous posters already had very good advice for you and your family. I would like to add that having your children (especially your 2 oldest) see a child pschologist may help with any type of separation anxiety. I know of several friends who have chosen to seek a child specialist to help break the news of divorce. My best wishes to all of you.