Explaining Death to a 6 year old...

[CharityLynn]

My son's great grandpa is dying. He has been sick for a very long time and moved from a nursing hom to his son (my son's grand pa's) home. Well my son was with his Dad this weekend and I was asked to pick my son up early because the great grandpa will be dying at any time, he probably won't make it to Thanksgiving.

This is the first death my son has had to really deal with, or at least he is old enough to know what is going on. How do I explain it to him when I get the call to say that he has indeed past on?


On a side note--

I am a happily married woman and I must admit I dread seeing my ex sometimes, because I know he still has feeling and hopes that we'll be together. (He has only dated one other person since we broke up 6 years ago

My son's father and I haven't been together in a very long time but he still has feelings for me, he actually tries to hug me everytimr a pick up or drop my son off to him. I;m just trying to figure out what is appropriate for me to do, do I go to the funeral? Do I just send a card?

 

[Aidensmom]

Do you believe in God and Heaven? I have explained death to my 4 year old by explaining that when someone dies they go to a place called Heaven where God is, and even though they are separated from us, they are still "alive" when they are there.

I don't know how I would explain it if I didn't have those beliefs though.

 

[mom2boys]

Guidance counselor recommend a book called "When Dinosaurs Die" when a family friend died. My boys were 7 & 8 at the time. She loaned it to us or I would send it to you - she picked it up at Borders.

As for the funeral, will your son be going? If so, you may want to be there for him.

 

[Disney Doll]

If your son will be going to the funeral, then perhaps you should go so he can sit with you.

As far as your ex... I don't know what to tell you.

 

[disneydreamer98]

We lost my Grandpa in February and it was my oldest DS first experience with death. He was 4 at the time and very close to his Grandpa. It was very difficult for all of us, but my Husband and I felt it was very important that he attend the funeral. We had lots of talks with him before the funeral home and thankfully we were able to get a few moments alone to take him in before the rest of the family arrived so we could spend some time alone with Grandpa and he could ask any questions that he wanted to. We knew it was going to be difficult for him, but at the same time we knew he needed to understand why the next time he went to Grandma and Grandpa's why Grandpa wouldn't be there. I tell you, as much as my own heart was breaking, it was much more difficult to watch my Son go through it. He always went trout fishing for his Grandpa and he wanted a fish to put in Grandpa's casket. Thankfully we talked him out of a real one and we were able to purchase two stuffed ones....one went with Grandpa and one sleeps with my Son at night. My suggestion would be to engaged your Son in talking about his Grandpa...all the happy memories and fun times that they had together.

And as far as what you should do...that is completely your decision, but I agree with the previous poster, if your Son is going, it might be best to be there to support him. My Uncle's ex of almost 20 years (and not on the best terms) was at my Grandpa's funeral to support her Son (even though he is now almost 30 and a Father himself) and we were all very thankful to have her there to show her respect and sympathy.

I'm sure that you will make the decision that is best for your family. God Bless.....

 

[Linnie The Pooh]

I am not sure what to tell you to do , but I know what to tell you NOT to do.

I learned in colllege and through life experiences that whatever you do, don't ever equate death with sleep. I"ve heard that so many times in my own life, "Dying is like you go to sleep." YIKES!!! How scary is that-you go to sleep and then you die??!!

And my parents wondered why I was so afraid to go to sleep as a kid and even now as an adult, I have trouble sleeping when I'm alone. Death is not the same as going to sleep and kids need to know that so it won't cause them trauma about going to sleep.

I would talk to your pastor or religious leader to help find the right words. They'll know for sure.

I'm not sure if I would go to the funeral. I've always felt that funerals were mainly for the surviving family members-you would go to the funeral to help them through their pain. But since it's your son's relative, hmmm.. That changes everything. I might do it just for him and make it clear to your ex if it comes up that it in no way was a signal that you are interested in him but that it was for your child. However, he may not believe that since he still seems hung up on you.

A card is a good idea. There has to be something out there that is appropriate for the situation. Good luck, God bless and I hope everything works out well for you.

 

[tiggerlover]

I just went through this for the first time this summer with my DS, although he was just turning 9 at the time. We found out in June that my father had terminal cancer and 5 weeks later he was gone. I think it is very important to be honest with your child and give them the information that will satisfy their needs. We are Christians so we believe that when you die you go to a better place so we explained to DS how sick grandpa was and that he was going to a better place. I was going to travel home to say goodbye to my dad and my DS insisted that he needed to go too. I wasn't sure that was such a great idea because I didn't want DS to see grandpa so sick and looking so bad, but he insisted and I am glad that he did. He was afraid a little because of how he looked, but I am proud of him. I answered all of his questions as best as I could and I think it gave him a better understanding of what was going on. When I was 7 my grandparents died and I was excluded from most of it and I think that was the wrong decision. Kids are curious by nature and smarter than we think, so I would definitely use your child as a guide to how much information he can handle.

I am sorry for your situation.

 

[aprilgail2]

I was always up front and honest with my daughter about death, its actually been easier since she has been around it since she was 2 1/2...When my gondson was dying I told her beforehand that he was very sick and soon he would die and go to heaven (though I am not religious I want her to decide on her own if religion is for her or not so I toss some in every once in awhile)...I told her thathe was in a lot of pain and son he would not be hurting anymore...then a year later her aunt was dying..same thing, lingered a long time inthe hospital and she was telling people that soon she would not be sick anymore and would die...then a friend of mine that she knew died a few months after that...then a neighbor...since she grew up with it its more of a fact of life..though I did not let her go to the wakes since the only ones I would take her to were close relatives and she was only 2 1/2 when her godfather died there was no way she was going to that one, plus I was an emotional wreck at that one and she didn't need to see that...but for a grandparent at her age now (6) I would take her, though I wouldn't bring her right up to the coffin...

 

[VSL]

I agree with previous posters - be honest, but gentle, and don't go down the 'sleep' route.

Don't know what to say about your ex though.

 

[EthansMom]

Do you believe in God and Heaven? I have explained death to my 4 year old by explaining that when someone dies they go to a place called Heaven where God is, and even though they are separated from us, they are still "alive" when they are there.

I don't know how I would explain it if I didn't have those beliefs though.

This is what I've told my DS4. I also told him that when you get older, parts of your body start to break (just like his toys sometimes break when they get old). When you die, you don't need your body anymore and you go to Heaven with God and Jesus, but your body stays here.

 

[Marla Hellwig]

When my husband died my daughter was just 2, I told her that daddy broke and couldn't be fixed, as she got older we discussed it more in detail. She went to the viewing, but not the funeral.

If there is a vewing and funeral, maybe just go to the viewing with your son.

 

[CharityLynn]

Thank you all for your advice. I have told him the heaven and God thing and I think in some ways he gets that. But I am curious on how he is oging to deal with it when he goes over there this weekend and great grandpa isn't there. I think I'll just take it slowly and when he passes on I may Ask my son's father if he'd like my son there, I will be sending a card any way it goes.

Thanks again

 

[swanmom]

There is an amazing book that I highly, highly recommend. It's called "Waiting for the Whales." It's a tenderly written (but not sappy) and beautifully illustrated picture book about a child coping with the death of a grandfather. It really helped my DD when she lost her Pop-Pop. Hope this helps at a difficult time.

Here's a link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0920501966/002-3186211-1693641?v=glance&n=283155&s=books&v=glance

 

[Fredd's Girl]

There is an amazing book that I highly, highly recommend. It's called "Waiting for the Whales." It's a tenderly written (but not sappy) and beautifully illustrated picture book about a child coping with the death of a grandfather. It really helped my DD when she lost her Pop-Pop. Hope this helps at a difficult time.

Here's a link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0920501966/002-3186211-1693641?v=glance&n=283155&s=books&v=glance

Along the same lines, the book I remember reading as a child was "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf." My parents bought it when my Grandmother died. I still remember it to this day.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0805010645/102-5488255-7413704?v=glance&n=283155&s=books&v=glance