Ex-spouses at funerals....

[BigAlsGal]

Is it inappropriate for ex-spouses to be at their exes funerals? Is there a different answer depending on if the couple had children together? What if current spouse doesn't like ex-spouse. Is there etiquette to follow here?

 

[kimblebee]

Is it inappropriate for ex-spouses to be at their exes funerals? Is there a different answer depending on if the couple had children together? What if current spouse doesn't like ex-spouse. Is there etiquette to follow here?

I can't stand my ex and would only go to the funeral to be there for my daughter. I don't know about etiquette but I'm sure it would be ok for the ex to attend.

 

[Pakey]

I would attend my ex-husband's funeral and those of his family. I would also expect to see him at any of my family's funerals.

 

[clh2]

My divorced uncle passed away about 3 years ago. My cousins were all married, just to give you an age perspective. My aunt and uncle had been divorced perhaps 20 years. My uncle had not remarried.

Not only did my aunt help her children clean out my uncle's apartment, she was at the funeral. My aunt's parents were there, along with some of my aunt's siblings.

It was not awkward at all. My aunt is a wonderful person, and while my uncle and her got divorced - I still consider her to be an aunt.

I digress...my aunt was very supportive in this process to their children.

At a different funeral - when my BIL passed away, BIL had 2 children from a previous marriage. The EX stopped by, was very cordial, and spent a few minutes with her 2 sons. The EX seemed to be a little embarrassed being introduced as the first wife of my BIL. My SIL was not phased by the EX being there at all. SIL and BIL had been married about 25 years. I do not know what the details of the divorce where, although I do not believe that SIL and BIL met until after the divorce.

 

[livndisney]

Is it inappropriate for ex-spouses to be at their exes funerals? Is there a different answer depending on if the couple had children together? What if current spouse doesn't like ex-spouse. Is there etiquette to follow here?

I can tell you my Mom showing up at my former step dad's funeral was NOT wildly popular. Neither was remarried at that point, his first wife and their children were not at all happy to see her.

I think it is a personal choice-but you should try and take into consideration others feelings. If you feel you should go and would not be welcome, maybe say a private goodbye at the funeral home or visit the grave later.

If there are young children involved and your child needs you to be there to say good bye to the parent-then it would be different.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Is it inappropriate for ex-spouses to be at their exes funerals? Is there a different answer depending on if the couple had children together? What if current spouse doesn't like ex-spouse. Is there etiquette to follow here?

There is no "etiquette" really but if the children are young, I would expect that you would attend with them considering one of their parent has passed away.

If there are no children and you know you would not be welcome, I would take a pass.

 

[mfd25wife]

I think you have to look at the situation. My DH refers to his ex as the oxygen thief. She nor her family should make an appearance at a funeral for DH of his family. The funeral home that would be used already knows the situation as they are friends of dh & I and would ask them to leave. As their son is grown there would be no reason for them to go except to see what drama they could cause. This family is known for drama at every funeral even for their own family.. It may sound harsh but she has done many things.

 

[jdb in AZ]

It totally depends on the circumstances. My mom and her current DH attended my dad's viewing but she didn't feel well the next day and skipped the funeral. (step-mom welcomed them at the viewing.)

A much younger relative, "BS" wanted to attend his former mother-in-law's funeral but his ex-wife "C" was appalled at the very idea because "BS" had cheated on "C" and left her and their young kids for another woman, so of course C's mom couldn't stand the former son-in-law and would have rolled over in her grave. "BS" felt he should attend the funeral to be with the kids. When he was "uninvited" from the funeral, he told his parents not to attend, but they insisted they should be there for the grand kids, especially since "BS" wouldn't be there. As it turns out, BS's father helped "C" make the funeral arrangements, and in the years since then, BS's family has been very helpful to C and the kids. They even invited "C" and the kids on a Disney cruise, leaving "BS" behind with his live-in girl friend.

 

[Pumpkin01]

It depends on the situation, but for the most part I think it is not only acceptable but the right thing to do for an ex-spouse to show up. At some point, those two people did share their lives together, and therefore should show respect and express condolences. I know it is extremely difficult to have to deal with an ex, but remember that is all they are! That is just my opinion though.

 

[Robbi]

My husband was a pall bearer at my exe's funeral. He and I couldn't be married but we were friends. My now husband and he developed a genuine friednship as well. My ex inlaws sent their jet to pick up my husband, my son, and me to visit them over the years. Ex MIL died in 1994. We attended her funeral. When my ex FIL died, we went to his memorial. I think our friendship with my son's family made these losses easier for him.

 

[sbtrfly74]

I went to my soon to be ex's funeral mostly for our 2 children at the time 5 and 9. I was expected to be there, and was mentioned as his wife during the service which was kinda awkward since we were separated for 2 years and his gf was sitting 3 rows behind me but his family no longer liked her (I wasnt so bad huh?) lol.

 

[MichelleVW]

I would attend my ex-husband's funeral and those of his family. I would also expect to see him at any of my family's funerals.

No way would I attend my ex's funeral and I would be really upset if he went to any of my family's funerals.

 

[mlynn]

It depends on how your relationship was with your ex.

my mom's ex husband just died this week. He was abusive and was a never a father to my older sister and brother.(my father did and still does everything for them they are both in their 50's now) My mother won't be going to his funeral.

 

[Janepod]

It depends on the relationship, the age of the children, the length of the marriage, how long since the divorce, and whether there are step spouses. There's no rule; every family has to figure out what is right for them.

Certainly they shouldn't attend if the only reason is to dance on the deceased's grave.

 

[Jennasis]

Completely subjective. Every family dynamic is different. My sister would for SURE go to her ex's and he would come to hers. They had an amicable split. I wouldn't go to my ex's or any of his family and if he or any of them showed up at mine or any of MY family's they wouldn't make it past the parking lot.

 

[lorisnuts]

4 years ago when my dad died my ex sil and her mother came from texas and sil brother and his wife (who I never met) came from Pittsburgh. I live in very rural ohio, it is a 2 hour drive to an airport, so it was a major trip for them to come. It felt very odd and uncomfortable for her to be there, especially after hearing everything she had done over the years. I wish she hadn't come but my brother thought it was nice of them to come.

 

[goofyintoronto]

x2!

I would attend my ex-husband's funeral and those of his family. I would also expect to see him at any of my family's funerals.

I agree with this. In fact, a couple of weeks ago my exh grandma died. I went to that funeral. He didnt mind at all. I would go to his close familys funeral for sure, and i'd expect the same from him. Then again we've remained good friends.

It all depends on your relationship with your ex. Everyone is different. This is just how we are.

 

[ccstrickler]

The priest at my mother's funeral said "Everyone is welcome and everyone is expected to behave!" I think that says it all.

 

[Shmily1]

DH was going to go to his ex's funeral, but ended up not going. He did pay for the entire funeral for her so his kids wouldn't be stuck with the bill since she had no insurance though.

 

[BigAlsGal]

A variety of answers I must say. . I'm only asking because I wanted some perspective. My father passed recently (he was 75). My mother, his current wife of 35 years, is 20 years his junior and have 2 kids together. His ex wife (also 75) came to my dads funeral. They were married about 14 years and had 2 kids. The exe is such a nice woman. She was very polite and loving. She tries to reach out to my mother but my mom can't stand her and basically ignored any kind words from her. I know it upset my mom throughout the whole funeral. Later she told me it was the rudest thing she's ever seen (her attending the funeral).

I feel more like what a PP said. These people at one point cared about each other. Had children together. And if nothing else just to be there to support her own children after the passing of their father. I felt it was in fact the opposite of rude. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a peace loving hippie. Why can't we just hug it out kind of girl. Seeing my mom show her talons to a 75 year old lady (ex or not) is just immature and completely ridiculous. I could be wrong though. Please don't flame me lol.