Ever know someone that just gave up?

[Mom21]

About 10 years ago at the age of 49 my mom was diagnosed with polyarteritis nodosa and given about 6 months to a year. Well she is still here but gone through a lot. Last nov she started having severe abdominal pains. Finally a month or so ago she was diagnosed with retroperitoneal fibrosis. The mass has closed off the artery to one kidney. She will have to have surgery every 3 months to put in a stent or the kidney will have to be removed. She just had her second stent. She is 59 and I can tell she is done. I understand how she feels. So what do I say? Do you lie and say she should continue to fight when you know in your heart that you wouldn't? She and my dad don't get along. Her life isn't that great (she is in chronic severe pain), so I can understand. What do you say?

 

[paigevz]

I don't know. to you, and I hope you find your answer.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would tell her I love her and would love having her around, but the decision to have surgery is totally up to her.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

I would give her my permission to do as she thinks best. She might feel that she has to stay alive rather than abandon an adult child. Personally i would not want to live in permanent agony.

And first i would help with any research into the best care/cure/pain relief so that when she finally did pass on i would have no regrets.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

IF she has the best pain management possible and she's been evaulated for treatable depression and she then decides she's had enough she'd have my support in her choice. I'm very sorry for you both.

 

[Evil Genius]

Tell her kind of what you told us. That you understand the agony and tell her it's okay if she decides it's time to go. That you love her, and that you understand. I'll keep your family in my prayers.

 

[tinaluis]

Wow, that's a tough one. I'm sorry that your mom is going through so much.

My Mom was 49 when she was told she needed triple bypass surgery. (This was shortly after my father committed suicide and she'd finally gotten her life together, found a nice apartment, was volunteering at the hospital and seeing a therapist regularly to sort "things" out.) She had the surgery, had a terrible recovery (could not eat many of the things she enjoyed like watermelon, popsicles, italian ice, etc.), sank into a deep depression, underwent electro-convulsive therapy (ECT), and finally seemed to be on the mend. Then she found out that the surgery wasn't completely successful, she might have to undergo another surgery, and I think she just gave up. She was admitted to the hospital for "jaundice" over the 4th of July weekend in 1995 and died there. She had just turned 50 two weeks before she died. She had a DNR order on file and was apparently found unresponsive the day she was to be discharged. I'd like to believe that I would have been strong and told her that it was okay to go. That I knew she was suffering and just didn't want to "deal" with things anymore and that that was okay. That my sister, brother and I would be okay.

As someone else posted, I would simply let her know what you've written here -- that she's in a lot of pain and it's okay if she doesn't want to deal with that anymore.

Good luck to you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[helenabear]

My mom was 48 when she was fighting cancer. I saw how sick the chemo made her (I was only 16) I did say to her at one point, that if she decided to just go peacefully, I would not be upset and would not blame her. She was only given a few months to live. She told me she was willing to fight at that time, but appreciated what I had to say to her... about a month later there was no hope... and fortunately she died peacefully.

Tell her your heart, and tell her that you will support her no matter what she decides. It really hurts so much to watch your mother in so much pain. I just think she deserves the truth out of you, and probably respect you and love you for being honest.

I am so sorry you are going through all this... my toughts are with you all

 

[Cool-Beans]

There can't be one right answer for everyone...it is a decision each person has to make for themself. I help and cheer those who want to fight. I support and comfort those who don't.

to you, OP.

 

[Kimmielee]

My Mom had scleroderma, a very rare form of Lupus. The disease that tightens the skin and makes sufferers appear to have a "monkey face". In some, it also slowly hardens the internal organs... basically turns them into stone. She had both.

My Mom fought the fight for a long time. They gave her 5 years, she made it 12. However, in that last year of her life, I got pregnant. After 13 years of marriage without being able to get pregnant - I got divorced, met someone else and got pregnant. My Mom knew that there was nothing more in the world that I wanted, but to be a Mom.

The timing, couldn't have been any worse OR any better. It was a double edge sword, so to speak. She was so sick but I knew my news would ultimately make her happy. I also knew that the initial shock might be bad for her... here I was... divorced, on my own and pregnant at 37!!!

Anyway, it got to the point that I had to tell her because I was starting to show and she was slipping fast. It was difficult to catch her out of the hospital. I did tell her one afternoon that she was home... her sister and SIL were on their way over and I knew that their excitement would help calm some of my Mother's fears.

So, I told her and my Father. Once her Sis and SIL walked into her bedroom, realized what was going on... it was nothing but sheer happiness for her. She knew that I wasn't going to be alone. She knew that my DS (now almost 7) would bring a ray of sunshine to our first Christmas and it was almost her "ok" to let go, give up the fight.

I never once told her to hang on for my son. I never once told her I needed her to be here for "ME". I shared all the details of my doctor visits, showed her the ultrasound on video and she helped me name him. When she started to give up the fight... it was about 3 weeks after I told her and I just sat with her and let her know that we, my son and I, would see her someday and to wait for us there.

It's an individual's decision and I think that most make it with a full heart when they decide to just let go. Give her support, either way that she decides. Know that if she is tired and ready... it's not because she doesn't love you or want to continue to be with you. She'll always be with you. I see my Mom, every day... in my DS's eyes.

I let go, so she could. She died when I was 5 months pregnant and I'm grateful for the time we had together. I wish you all the best during this difficult time and please feel free to PM if you need to talk.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Serena]

yes

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Kimmielee that was a very touching post...{{{hugs}}} to all...

 

[4nana]

Awww sweetie, bless your heart, your post breaks my heart.

I would probably tell her how much I love her, but I also know she is in pain and suffering with no quality of life. That everyone here would be alright and I would support any decison she made. I don't think there is anything worst than watching a loved one suffer in pain , specially when all their faith, hope and will to live are gone.

Our SonIL just went through this last yr with his Dad's fight against the cancer beast. Within 6 mos it went from his liver, to lungs, to brain. He was under Hospice care and the last week was one that no human should endure. In the end they had to tell him how much they all loved him, they would be ok and it was time to go . He then drifted off peacefully.

I firmly believe each of us has the right to die with dignity. It is such a heartbreaking situation and my thoughts and prayers are with you and all those in this position . I was there with my dear Dad and Lord I only hope I have the strength when and if my dear Mom's time comes.

Godspeed ^i^

 

[Mom21]

Thank you everyone for the advice. to everyone that has lost a loved one. It is hard.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I think you should love her and support everything she wants to do but I have a question. If they removed the kidney would she be out of pain and able to function fine on one kidney? Wouldn't she better off with this one painful surgery as opposed to one every three months?