Ever get a gift that made you a teensy bit mad?

[leebee]

DH is bad at gifts. He doesn't pay attention, doesn't listen, and is usually clueless about things like what brand of shampoo he uses, much less what I like for my hair! He also thinks that I am too cheap so he will look at what I have asked for but buy the version HE thinks I should have; more bells and whistles, higher quality/more expensive, etc. We have had discussions before about this, as I think it's really insulting and rude for him to decide he knows what I want better than I do. Don't listen to me, don't respect my decisions for myself... yeah. He also will make rash decisions about what he wants to get me, usually expensive pieces of jewelry that we really cannot afford and that I wouldn't ever wear. Bottom line is that I know all this and am therefore very, very specific about what I want.

Anyhow, this Christmas we had a long discussion about what we could afford to spend. We are trying to get DD through college without having to take any unsubsidized or PLUS loans, and have both take second jobs to make sure this can happen. Even with the extra income, things are tight, and I have to watch where every penny goes. Still, with a budget, we were on track for a nice Christmas. I gave DH a very specific list of what I wanted, and even prioritized the items. Several times I asked him not to spend too much reminding him that this would be the best thing that he could give me. Fast-forward to Christmas morning. The VERY first gift he gave me was a new Mac laptop. I freaked! We have NO WAY to pay for this, first of all. However, after all the discussions we'd had, the carefully prepared list I gave him, etc., he went out and spent 5 times MORE than his budget on ONE gift, then sent DD19 out shopping with my list. He didn't listen to a thing I said about budgets, not spending too much, etc. It made me feel unvalued, and hurt to remind me that regardless of how much we work we just cannot afford what many people consider "everyday" expenses. It totally ruined Christmas for me, and I was ready to walk out of the house for the day. I stayed, but I was a wreck. His explanation is that I currently use an old MacBook from school that is clunky and outdated, and he is tired of hearing me complain about it jamming up, not even being able to scroll, etc. Well, I won't mention how this laptop works again. EVER. The new one went back to BestBuy today, and I feel like I can breathe again, but it completely ruined Christmas for me. WHY didn't he listen, and WHY did he do this???

Not to seem like a completely ungrateful, Grinchy-Scrooge, DD bought me three books, two shirts, and three sweaters, all of which I love, and a fondue pot that I think we will enjoy using!

 

[Granny square]

Geez. Why bother even having Christmas if the gift buyer has to buy what you tell them to buy. Just go shop for yourself.

 

[NYCDiane]

Geez. Why bother even having Christmas if the gift buyer has to buy what you tell them to buy. Just go shop for yourself.

If you tell your significant other I would like this, this, or this and he/she brings back something completely opposite and something you would never in a million years use

I mean, really? People say "it's the THOUGHT that counts". Okay, so if someone just grabs the first thing they see or give you some re-gifted crap that they didn't want and know you can't use but want to cheap out or they know you like ABC but get XYZ because it was easier for them........ Where is the THOUGHTFULNESS there??????

That's why when I get some crap I don't want, I just toss it in the Salvation Army donation bin and call it a day. I'm not going through the hassle of returning or anything else.

 

[Granny square]

The so bought her the required list. He did listen.

 

[mrzrich]

But I also think before you get upset it may be a good thing to find out the "story" behind the chocolate. Take her out to lunch. Just the two of you. Talk to her and bring it up in a non confrontational manner. You may see it differently after all.

Huh? She grew up in my house. She knows I don't even like chocolate. (or you'd think she knows) There is no "story".

 

[bababear_50]

Hi Hon
I just thought of something,,
is there any possibility that she didn't pay for them but received them from her In laws or someone else as a gift and then re gifted them to you?

Hugs Mel

 

[cornflake]

The so bought her the required list. He did listen.

This.

There's a difference between 'he doesn't listen' and the ever-popular 'you don't understand' and 'he/you don't AGREE with me.'

He clearly does listen. He heard the poster complaining about her laptop. Presumably he heard her saying she didn't want to spend the money. He obviously heard she wanted the specific things, as he sent their daughter out to get them.

He didn't agree, follow instructions, whatever, which is different.

Also personally agree if it's to the 'I want these exact things from here and here' then why even bother? Just ask for a $100 bill or whatever and go buy what you want.

 

[Granny square]

Poor guy wanted to do something wonderful for the person he will hopefully spend the rest of his life with after giving up everything for the daughter who will move in in a couple of years. My heart just breaks for him having to deal with the crap all day Christmas.

 

[luvmy3]

DH is bad at gifts. He doesn't pay attention, doesn't listen, and is usually clueless about things like what brand of shampoo he uses, much less what I like for my hair! He also thinks that I am too cheap so he will look at what I have asked for but buy the version HE thinks I should have; more bells and whistles, higher quality/more expensive, etc. We have had discussions before about this, as I think it's really insulting and rude for him to decide he knows what I want better than I do. Don't listen to me, don't respect my decisions for myself... yeah. He also will make rash decisions about what he wants to get me, usually expensive pieces of jewelry that we really cannot afford and that I wouldn't ever wear. Bottom line is that I know all this and am therefore very, very specific about what I want.

Anyhow, this Christmas we had a long discussion about what we could afford to spend. We are trying to get DD through college without having to take any unsubsidized or PLUS loans, and have both take second jobs to make sure this can happen. Even with the extra income, things are tight, and I have to watch where every penny goes. Still, with a budget, we were on track for a nice Christmas. I gave DH a very specific list of what I wanted, and even prioritized the items. Several times I asked him not to spend too much reminding him that this would be the best thing that he could give me. Fast-forward to Christmas morning. The VERY first gift he gave me was a new Mac laptop. I freaked! We have NO WAY to pay for this, first of all. However, after all the discussions we'd had, the carefully prepared list I gave him, etc., he went out and spent 5 times MORE than his budget on ONE gift, then sent DD19 out shopping with my list. He didn't listen to a thing I said about budgets, not spending too much, etc. It made me feel unvalued, and hurt to remind me that regardless of how much we work we just cannot afford what many people consider "everyday" expenses. It totally ruined Christmas for me, and I was ready to walk out of the house for the day. I stayed, but I was a wreck. His explanation is that I currently use an old MacBook from school that is clunky and outdated, and he is tired of hearing me complain about it jamming up, not even being able to scroll, etc. Well, I won't mention how this laptop works again. EVER. The new one went back to BestBuy today, and I feel like I can breathe again, but it completely ruined Christmas for me. WHY didn't he listen, and WHY did he do this???

Not to seem like a completely ungrateful, Grinchy-Scrooge, DD bought me three books, two shirts, and three sweaters, all of which I love, and a fondue pot that I think we will enjoy using!

So you and your dh both work 2 jobs so you guys can pay your dd's way through college? Maybe your dh felt that it was time to be a little selfish with his salary and spend it on you for Christmas because he thought you needed a new MacBook with the way you complained about the other. Now I could see if you couldn't pay your mortgage for the month, but if its because anything extra you make goes into your dd's college fund and this MacBook took money from that, I'd cut him some slack. (Not telling you what to do, just saying what I would do in your situation).

 

[Ginny Favers]

I think a lot of my resentment with gifts comes because it seems like the giver thought NOTHING about my likes and dislikes before purchasing the gift.

For years, my mother-in-law used to give me clothing with snowmen on it. Have I ever worn snowmen before? No. I would thank her for the gift but never wear them-- they'd go to the bottom of my drawer.

The truth is, she loves snowmen so much that she's completely oblivious to the fact that other people might not think they're great. Maybe the OP's daughter just loves chocolate so much and thought it was a really great gift that she would have liked to have herself. Or maybe she thought that since you don't like them, you'd give them to her.

 

[donac]

My dh and I just looked at our presents from his family and shook our heads a little until we talked to ds. He told us that his Aunt k had done all the shopping for grandma and grandpa this year. Once we heard this it explained a lot. She has no idea what our tastes are. Our sons are just starting out in life. Ds2 has his own apartment and ds1 will be getting one in the next year. She got them tool. Maybe not the best ones but they could use them for a short while. She got dh and I dvds. One was the Johnny Cash shows from 1966. Now my dh loves country music but he Johnny Cash is not one of his favorites. But knowing aunt k all she knows about country music is Johnny Cash.

One of my other sil's gave my husband a book about an area he loves in the state. The book was big so she gave it to both of us. I will look at it at some time. Dh wants his ashes burried in this area so it will give me a place to start looking for where to distribute them when the time comes.

My mother on the other hand makes it easy. She gets $50 bills from the bank and some little thing like gloves or socks and she's done.

 

[DumboPrincess]

Maybe she didn't spend $50 on chocolate fir gift. Maybe she ran out of money and had a box in hand and presented it as a gift. That doesn't excuse the IPad purchase, though, so who knows?

 

[eliza61]

If you tell your significant other I would like this, this, or this and he/she brings back something completely opposite and something you would never in a million years use

I mean, really? People say "it's the THOUGHT that counts". Okay, so if someone just grabs the first thing they see or give you some re-gifted crap that they didn't want and know you can't use but want to cheap out or they know you like ABC but get XYZ because it was easier for them........ Where is the THOUGHTFULNESS there??????

That's why when I get some crap I don't want, I just toss it in the Salvation Army donation bin and call it a day. I'm not going through the hassle of returning or anything else.

but this isn't about stuff you don't want. This is about getting some thing that you simply think was too expensive. two totally different things.

 

[eliza61]

This.

There's a difference between 'he doesn't listen' and the ever-popular 'you don't understand' and 'he/you don't AGREE with me.'

He clearly does listen. He heard the poster complaining about her laptop. Presumably he heard her saying she didn't want to spend the money. He obviously heard she wanted the specific things, as he sent their daughter out to get them.

He didn't agree, follow instructions, whatever, which is different.

Also personally agree if it's to the 'I want these exact things from here and here' then why even bother? Just ask for a $100 bill or whatever and go buy what you want.

I'm with you on this one Cornflake. Personally I think it's more about control. Guy spent money in a way poster didn't approve, that's more of the issue.

What I find interesting is that if these gift givers decided it was too much trouble to give our posters gifts, I'm willing to bet next year they would be posting how they didn't get any thing (there were a flood of them this year on the community board).

For a time of year that is supposed to be about the birth of Christ you guys sure have a lot of "rules and regulations" on gifts.

 

[Jenny3]

DH got me 6 wands. We had bought 2 while at Universal Harry Potter World this past November as I'm a huge fan and thought they were incredibly cool. I definitely didn't expect (or need!) 6 more

He's a woodworker and is going to make me a custom case to display them all. I totally appreciate the thought and know the end result is going to be fantastic, but I don't really need 8 of them. I'll never tell him, but what he spent on those wands could have been spent better elsewhere.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Huh? She grew up in my house. She knows I don't even like chocolate. (or you'd think she knows) There is no "story".

The "story" would hers not yours. You claim she knows you don't like chocolate. Like another poster said, maybe she screwed up again like you said. No money left. She has these chocolates someone gave her. Can't be returned. So she gives them to you. You are her safe person. She knows you don't like them but she also knows you won't make a scene at the time.

I said in my post she did not do right with her money. I felt you tried as a mother to make your post light-hearted but I felt you were really hurt as a mother and felt off.

I knew not to post and I most likely will get another nudge but sometimes I don't see my nose when it is close to me.

 

[SaraJayne]

Geez. Why bother even having Christmas if the gift buyer has to buy what you tell them to buy. Just go shop for yourself.

Next year, I will be doing exactly that.

 

[lady9]

Decided I better edit my post since SIL frequents these boards. I don't want to start a family war!

 

[pigletto]

DH is bad at gifts. He doesn't pay attention, doesn't listen, and is usually clueless about things like what brand of shampoo he uses, much less what I like for my hair! He also thinks that I am too cheap so he will look at what I have asked for but buy the version HE thinks I should have; more bells and whistles, higher quality/more expensive, etc. We have had discussions before about this, as I think it's really insulting and rude for him to decide he knows what I want better than I do. Don't listen to me, don't respect my decisions for myself... yeah. He also will make rash decisions about what he wants to get me, usually expensive pieces of jewelry that we really cannot afford and that I wouldn't ever wear. Bottom line is that I know all this and am therefore very, very specific about what I want.

Anyhow, this Christmas we had a long discussion about what we could afford to spend. We are trying to get DD through college without having to take any unsubsidized or PLUS loans, and have both take second jobs to make sure this can happen. Even with the extra income, things are tight, and I have to watch where every penny goes. Still, with a budget, we were on track for a nice Christmas. I gave DH a very specific list of what I wanted, and even prioritized the items. Several times I asked him not to spend too much reminding him that this would be the best thing that he could give me. Fast-forward to Christmas morning. The VERY first gift he gave me was a new Mac laptop. I freaked! We have NO WAY to pay for this, first of all. However, after all the discussions we'd had, the carefully prepared list I gave him, etc., he went out and spent 5 times MORE than his budget on ONE gift, then sent DD19 out shopping with my list. He didn't listen to a thing I said about budgets, not spending too much, etc. It made me feel unvalued, and hurt to remind me that regardless of how much we work we just cannot afford what many people consider "everyday" expenses. It totally ruined Christmas for me, and I was ready to walk out of the house for the day. I stayed, but I was a wreck. His explanation is that I currently use an old MacBook from school that is clunky and outdated, and he is tired of hearing me complain about it jamming up, not even being able to scroll, etc. Well, I won't mention how this laptop works again. EVER. The new one went back to BestBuy today, and I feel like I can breathe again, but it completely ruined Christmas for me. WHY didn't he listen, and WHY did he do this???

Not to seem like a completely ungrateful, Grinchy-Scrooge, DD bought me three books, two shirts, and three sweaters, all of which I love, and a fondue pot that I think we will enjoy using!

This would upset me as well so I do understand. The thing is you have stated that you had a long conversation about what you could afford to spend. That's the sticking point for me. If dh and I had agreed that we could spend $200 on each other and then I opened up a 1200 dollar MacBook I would be gracious but inwardly panicking about where the money was going to come from.
An extra thousand dollars doesn't happen around here. It's all earmarked. For us it's because we want to go on vacations. We choose that together. An extra thousand dollars would come out of the vacation fund. It would make me panic. We are grown ups who know whats coming in and what we can spend. We make our financial choices based on conversations and mutual priorities.

So like I said, I get it. I would also feel really bad about hurting his feelings and not being excited about the gift. Overall it would be an awkward and avoidable situation if the budget had just been stuck to.

 

[Granny square]

Next year, I will be doing exactly that.

Better that then guilting the giver because they didn't obey!