Etiquette--re: death

[Lovin' Disney]

I am young(ish) and don't have a whole lot of experience with death. Unfortunately, a close co-worker of mine is taking time off from work to care for her husband, who has terminal cancer. He will most likely die before the summer is over.

My question is, once he passes away, how do I acknowledge it? Do I send just a card? Do I send a card & money? What amount is appropriate? Do I send flowers?

In general, should you always include money along with a sympathy card? Even if it is a close relative? Especially if it is?

Any thoughts on this topic would be appreciated. Thanks!

 

[goofy4tink]

I'm so sorry your co-worker is dealing with this. It is so hard to deal with.
I have never put money in a sympathy card. To me, it's kind of tacky. But I'm in the northeast and other areas of the country may have different traditions.
I would be sure to check in on her throughout the summer...just so she knows you're thinking of her. When the end comes, a card, with a note in it, is absolutely appropriate. If there is a charity that they have decided to recognize, then give to that charity. When my mom died, I asked for any donations in her memory go to the church for altar expenses. She was the altar guild directress for many years. I was able to buy vestments for the altar in her memory...that would have really pleased her. We did have people that ignored my wishes and sent flowers to the funeral home...even though I asked that there be no flowers. So be sure you know what your friend's wishes are as far as that goes.

Just be there for her. Let he know that you are thinking of her, and that you are there if she needs anything...either now or after her dh passes on.

 

[muchadoaboutdisney]

I would only give money if the family asked that a donation be made in their loved one name to a charity.(ie Cancer research etc..) I had the same situation last year. I attended the funeral service and sent flowers to the service. A hug and an offer to help in anyway she needs is always a good way to show your concern.

 

[sbtrfly74]

My kids elementary school came to my house and gave me money instead of sending flowers to the funeral home when my ex passed... little awkward but appreciated. Not something I would do.

Sometimes a company will pull money together and send it to the person. I personally wouldnt send a card with money. If your close you could ask how you can help, maybe bring by dinner.

 

[DebbieB]

At my work, there is typically a group collection, with either the money going to the person or to the charity they designated or flowers. The money is to help with funeral expenses, it's common in my area. If you are close with the person, you may want to do something individually, like a card. If you live close, you may want to bring a dish over, when each of my parents died people brought food.

 

[skylizard]

Another vote for no money. Unless it is in the form of a charitable donation of something she had asked for or mentioned.

 

[leebee]

A card with a personal note, however brief, is always appropriate. Say something like "thinking of you in your time of sorrow or something similar if you aren't sure what to write. Don't send cash in a card! I agree- tacky. If donations are asked for "in lieu of flowers," that's something different. Usually, in that case, you make a donation directly to the charity and note is as "in memory of...".

 

[Laura66]

Where we live - more often than not people will give money or gift cards to restaurants, etc. We do it to help people with funeral expenses. I know I appreciated the restaurant gift cards because we were so mentally and physically drained we couldn't even think about cooking.

 

[POPCITY]

At my work, there is typically a group collection, with either the money going to the person or to the charity they designated or flowers. The money is to help with funeral expenses, it's common in my area. If you are close with the person, you may want to do something individually, like a card. If you live close, you may want to bring a dish over, when each of my parents died people brought food.

That's how it's done here, too, except my company pays for flowers, so the money goes to the family, or a charity if they request it.

 

[rpbert1]

I would never send money, like other posters said.
But a phone call every week just to ask how she is and anything she would need you to do would be really appreciated, and would help her lots knowing that you take the time to phone or call on her shows you are thinking about them.

 

[TinkerBelled]

As others have said, write a card, but don't put cash in the card. Check the obituary to see if they would prefer flowers (if no charity is named) or a donation to a charity. If a charity, send the donations there directly, with a note that it is given in memory of the deceased.

If you're close, bringing or sending food, especially something easily freezable, is a very nice gesture. If you think she might be overwhelmed by food, a gift certificate to a takeout place can be a lovely gift. If you do decide to do this, I would send it separately from the card, perhaps a week later, with a note that you're thinking of her.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I would send a thinking of you card now.If you are close, perhaps drop off a meal or a dish or two now during this really difficult time. Money is not given around here, unless it is a special case where there is not enough family money for the expenses. FOOD is big here and a dish or dessert are often brought to the home. If your office does not do flowers, that is thoughtful as is a memorial to a charity you know was special to them. So thoughtful of you to think of her during this tough time.

 

[lsyorke]

I would send a thinking of you card now.If you are close, perhaps drop off a meal or a dish or two now during this really difficult time. Money is not given around here, unless it is a special case where there is not enough family money for the expenses. FOOD is big here and a dish or dessert are often brought to the home. If your office does not do flowers, that is thoughtful as is a memorial to a charity you know was special to them. So thoughtful of you to think of her during this tough time.

The above is the best thing you can do. When DH was at the end of his life I had a lot of people saying "ask if you need anything"...don't ask, just send it.

When one is going through this the last thing you want to do is call and ask people for help. Another thing that would be appreciated is offering to do any errands. Getting out of the house is difficult and just having someone to run and pick up milk and bread and drop it off would have been awesome.

Oh, and this may sound horrible, but don't expect to stay and visit. Some days are better than others and some days visiting is just impossible. Don't take it personally.

 

[Aliceacc]

We're Catholic, so for us the first step is a mass card.

For anyone but very close family, we wouldn't send money. It's simply not done around here, though it does happen in other parts of the country.

As far as flowers go, I imagine your office will send them. If not, you may want to get a group of people to chip in.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

When my dad passed away, I had been spending a lot of time going to his home (12 hour car ride). A couple of my friends gave me gift cards to restaurants to give me a night off from cooking. That was really appreciated.

At my work, we sometimes take up a collection. A card with money is not really necessary. The cards I received were very comforting.

 

[dislal]

I am young(ish) and don't have a whole lot of experience with death. Unfortunately, a close co-worker of mine is taking time off from work to care for her husband, who has terminal cancer. He will most likely die before the summer is over.

My question is, once he passes away, how do I acknowledge it? Do I send just a card? Do I send a card & money? What amount is appropriate? Do I send flowers?

In general, should you always include money along with a sympathy card? Even if it is a close relative? Especially if it is?

Any thoughts on this topic would be appreciated. Thanks!

When my dad passed away everyone did give my mom money in a card. It was very nice because she received almost the exact amount she needed for his cremation (we did not have a viewing). And we had a small memorial service in the church and people brought sooooo much food it was a surreal experience.

Another thing people did for them was gas station gift cards before he died, to help with the price of gas back and forth to chemo. I had never seen my dad cry up to that point in my life (I was in my mid 30's). But when someone gave them a $300 gas gift card he cried.

So maybe if you are kinda close to her you and some other co-workers could go together now and get a gift card. Even a $20 or $25 would be appreciated.

 

[Southernmiss]

Last year at dhs office, they provided meals to his coworker while the spouse was still alive, but very sick. This took some stress off of the coworker who could focus on her husband during his last few weeks.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

Something I did for a friend recently (I think I may have even gotten the idea off the Dis?) was drop off a bag of paper goods when her dad passed away. Lots of people send food (which is great!) but there's still the burden of dishes. I got a big packet of heavy duty plates, napkins, bowls, coffee and regular cups, plus a big triple pack of the softest tissues. Her family really appreciated it. This is something you could do now, too, to help lighten that load.

After he passes, yes a card with "I'm thinking of you" would be appropriate and appreciated. Check the obituary to see about a suggested charity (you send that right to them "in memory of___") Agree too that a GC to a local restaurant with delivery is appropriate, as is food for the freezer. (Oftentimes a work place will set up a schedule of people bringing food different days.)

 

[aprilgail2]

When my dad passed away everyone did give my mom money in a card. It was very nice because she received almost the exact amount she needed for his cremation (we did not have a viewing). And we had a small memorial service in the church and people brought sooooo much food it was a surreal experience.

Another thing people did for them was gas station gift cards before he died, to help with the price of gas back and forth to chemo. I had never seen my dad cry up to that point in my life (I was in my mid 30's). But when someone gave them a $300 gas gift card he cried.

So maybe if you are kinda close to her you and some other co-workers could go together now and get a gift card. Even a $20 or $25 would be appreciated.

That is how its done here too- I remember all the cards when my dad died had cash in them plus my job did a big collection and gave me the cash too. Most everyone I know gives cash or if they ask for donations to someplace then a check for that. When my godson died almost the entire funeral was paid for by people giving money in cards!

 

[ksjayhawks]

Where I grew up and where I live now, money is often included in cards. However, it is given to a charity/organization (hospital, nursing home) in memory of the person who passed. Rarely is it used for expenses.