Etiquette question regarding wheelchairs.

[binny]

Im going to cross post this here as well ( as Deb suggested thanks Deb) because I am really concerned I did the wrong thing.




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I was at a trade show recently and began a conversation with a man in a wheelchair. I sat down in a chair next to him and we talked for quite a while.
Well I noticed several others approach him and carry on similiarly long conversations and remain standing.


It certainly wasnt my intent to offend him and now Im afraid I did.

It was my intention to make him more comfortable by not having to look up at me. Actually truth be told, I didnt even think about it. It was just a reflex.


Was I wrong?

 

[JudithM]

My gut reaction is that you were very polite. I recently did the same thing at a high school graduation party. One of the grandparents is in a wheelchair & I sat down next to him rather than continue to stand up. I look at this as being polite. Of course, someone else might look at it as just the opposite.

 

[Talking Hands]

You did the right thing. That was very considerate. It isn't easy looking up all the time.

 

[Nanajo1]

I personally appreciate it when someone sits at my level to talk. My neck gets very sore looking up.

 

[BillSears]

My view is sitting down is reasonable but not to be expected. It really doesn't bother me looking up at people. One thing that does sort of bother me is when people squat down next to me. That just seems to be abit condescending.

But we're all different in our likes and dislikes. Some people can get offended at the least thing where others will endure the worst treatment and not even notice it.

 

[SueM in MN]

I think what you did was polite.
One thing to think is what would you do if someone was sitting in a regular chair?
If you were having a short conversation, you would probably stand. But, if there was a chair next to them, you would sit down.
But, you would almost certainly not squat next to someone who was sitting in a chair. If you would do it when someone is sitting in a regular chair, it would probably not be insulting to someone using a wheelchair.

 

[Andrew Bichard]

One thing that does sort of bother me is when people squat down next to me. That just seems to be abit condescending.

Actually, I disagree.

Often at Disney, CM's squat on their heels (knees bent, body straight) so they can talk to me eye to eye. (assuming there are no seats nearby). I quite like it because I prefer not to look up at people. I always assumed it was part of their 'disability awareness' training.

I don't especially like it when people bend over from the waist.

Andrew

 

[BillSears]

Actually, I disagree.

Often at Disney, CM's squat on their heels (knees bent, body straight) so they can talk to me eye to eye. (assuming there are no seats nearby). I quite like it because I prefer not to look up at people. I always assumed it was part of their 'disability awareness' training.

I don't especially like it when people bend over from the waist.

Andrew

Yep it is a matter of preferance. I prefer they stand and talk to me. I always feel as if they are just pointing out the differences between us when they have to lower themselves to my level. I almost feel like they are talking to a child when they do this.

Hey we're just normal people and we all like different things.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I posted this on the community board and I will post it here.

Sitting down in a chair to talk to him I think is fine. He probably thought you just wanted to rest for a few.

Being a paraplegic since age 6, I have a few things to add. I absolutely despise people who squat down to talk to me. I find it very demeaning. I am not a child and in no way does it bother me to look up at someone. I will even tell people, "don't squat on my account." It is not the "polite thing to do" for this gal.

Major point: do not touch my wheelchair!!!!!!!!!!!! Would you walk up to someone and just rest your elbow on their shoulder? No, you wouldn't. So don't do that to my pushbars. I will tell you very nicely to get your paws off of me. My wheelchair is a part of my personal space and I don't want you invading it.

I know I sound hostile and defensive, but I am very particular about these things. I am an adult, of sound mind, am well educated, and the only thing I cannot do is walk. Treat me like your equal and not a child. I have no mental disability or developmental delay affecting me so that you would need to approach me differently.

Ok rant over.

Oh by the way, just because someone says it's the "polite thing to do" doesn't mean every single wheelchair user appreciates this kind of treatment, like the squatting thing. For instance, some people (in wheelchairs) like it when people get the door for them. I don't. 99% of the time I don't need a hand and it's really annoying when I'm halfway out the door someone grabs it from the other side to hold it open and I nearly fall out of my chair. See what I mean??

 

[Talking Hands]

I actually prefer it if a person sits or squats to speak to me as I have arthritis that affects my neck and shoulders and having to look up becomes painful after a while. Also I need to see the person's face to lipread and it is easier if we are at the same level. As far as helping with a door, pls ask first especially if I already have my hand on it.
And don't touch my wheelchair without permission. One time I hade a castmember remove my cane from the back of my wheelchair and place it beside me. Guess he thougt it was blocking the view of others. But it bothered me that he didn't ask and I told him so. Even worse he didn't put it back after the show so I had to ask another guest to hand it to me.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

As a former CM, I can tell you that we were all instructed that it is Disney policy to squat (CM's are *never* allowed to sit in the park!) when talking to a person in a wheelchair or a small child so that you maintain eye contact. I do not think most CM's follow that policy though. Should Disney change this policy?

 

[BillSears]

As a former CM, I can tell you that we were all instructed that it is Disney policy to squat (CM's are *never* allowed to sit in the park!) when talking to a person in a wheelchair or a small child so that you maintain eye contact. I do not think most CM's follow that policy though. Should Disney change this policy?

Well it seems like a 50/50 shot on whether the person will like it or find it offensive. I'm guessing that the ones who like it don't think it's offensive when someone remains standing so based on that I'd guess it should be changed.

 

[Schmeck]

Oh gosh, I'm a squatter - I do this all the time, not just to someone sitting down. It's just more comfortable for my back. I've squatted down next to students in wheelchairs at my school. I squat when watch my daughter's softball games. I just can't stand for long periods of time. So maybe, before you jump down someone's throat for squatting down, perhaps you should consider him or her and how they would feel if you snapped at them.

 

[BCV23]

As a former CM, I can tell you that we were all instructed that it is Disney policy to squat (CM's are *never* allowed to sit in the park!) when talking to a person in a wheelchair or a small child so that you maintain eye contact. I do not think most CM's follow that policy though. Should Disney change this policy?

No!

 

[BCV23]

LindsayDunn, do you somehow think that those who are developmentally delayed or have a mental disability are somehow not your equal? I believe all of us are equals just with different gifts.

I have a very bright daughter with cp and a son with Down Syndrome (hi Sandie ) and find your implication curious.

To the OP, I think you were considerate and gracious.

I also think that WDW does an outstanding job with both training CMs and accomodating those with disabilities. It is why we go back so often and feel so welcome.

 

[SueM in MN]

LindsayDunn, do you somehow think that those who are developmentally delayed or have a mental disability are somehow not your equal? I believe all of us are equals just with different gifts.

I can relate to the "Don't talk down to me" idea because it is one of the things that really bothers me when people do it to my DD. She is classified as developmentally delayed, but she understands very well. She can't speak and is totally uncooperative for testing, so it's hard to know where she is.
One of the things I have noticed people do when talking to her is use a voice and words like they would talk to a 2 yr old (Although I never used that kind of "baby talk voice" to my own kids after they were babies). Using that kind of voice with my DD is a quick way to make her totally ignore the speaker. Unfortunately when she ignores people, a lot of them assume it is because she doesn't understand them, so they speak on an even lower level (and a higher "baby" voice").
There are people who use that kind of voice whenever they deal with someone using a wheelchair.
My personal feeling is that it's better to approach a person as you would anyone of that age. If they don't appear to understand, you can always simplify the language or verify whether they understand, but need more time to reply or to process. But, whatever the understanding level, I don't think it's appropriate to speak with someone in that type of voice unless you know with certainty that is what they need to respond to.

 

[Talking Hands]

I totally agree with you. Some people just don't get it. I have had people address my husband when I was in my wheelchair instead of speaking to me. My husband, bless him, just tells them to speak to me and be sure they are facing me.
Last weekend when I was with my friend at Relay for Life a radio guy came up to talk to the cancer survivors. I interpreted for my friend and then he put his mike to me to answer for her. Was he shocked and embarassed when I told him that she could voice for herself.
I try to treat everyone in a wheelchair or not as an intelligent person. I can always adjust down if they aren't understanding but the opposite isn't always as easy.

 

[Forevryoung]

I am aware of this from spending so much time with Christina (the girl I went to Disney with- she is 10 and has CP)

She is bright and can answer for herself but due to decreased lung capacity (and muscle issues) her voice is a strained, raspy, whisper. People rarely talk to her. People ask "whats her name?" "how old is she?" At Disney the biggest question is "Is she having fun???"and I tell them to ask her. It gets VERY rude. If it is noisy, I will repeat her answer if necessary but only if they talk to her.

 

[BillSears]

Originally Posted by LuluLovesDisney
As a former CM, I can tell you that we were all instructed that it is Disney policy to squat (CM's are *never* allowed to sit in the park!) when talking to a person in a wheelchair or a small child so that you maintain eye contact. I do not think most CM's follow that policy though. Should Disney change this policy?

No!

OK how about a compromise. With children in a wheelchair or not you go down to thier level. But adults you treat like adults and remain standing?

 

[eternaldisneyfan]

To the OP: I think what you did was very polite. I much prefer talking at eye level. My neck gets tired and I always feel like they have a lovely view of my nostrils . Hooray for the squatters! Nice break for me and it makes me feel like they're really interested in what I have to say. And thanks for asking!

My wheelchair:
Please don't lean or place parts of your body on my chair. I can clearly feel it. Any movement shakes me. **My wheelchair isn't an extension of my body** If you want to give me a sign of affection, like pat my arm, touch me-not my armrest. Also, I won't break! I like to offer affection like hugs, but my contractures and weakness prevent me from reaching out or wrapping my arms so I usually just lean into the hug. I really appreciate it when people make an effort by asking, etc.

Communication- Please do not talk down to me. I don't talk down to anyone-if a person is mentally impaired, I use a normal voice with simpler language. Please don't yell. Direct questions to me, please. Countless times people start to ask my parents about me- "what's her name, does she like_____?" My parents say, "Why don't you ask her?" Personally, I am happy to share why I am disabled and prefer to explain my condition and medical equipment (trach, gj tube, etc). But when you ask phrase it like, What is that in your neck, or why are you in a wheelchair? not what's wrong with you? Usually I am forthcoming with the information like if everyone else is eating, I'll explain that my stomach doesn't digest food so I have a feeding tube (j tube) in my jejenum (intestines). If children are curious and start to ask questions and ask-'what's wrong with me'-don't drag them away. I think this makes them apprehensive of the disabled and I am glad to help people understand.

To the helpers:
Thank you! Picking things up, holding doors, moving clothes racks, getting items of shelves-it all helps. My suggestion to not offend those who don't like help, is just ask first.

No no's-
Never, ever say that you wish you had one of those (wheelchairs) or how lucky I am that I don't have to walk. Disabled hash marks are not parking spaces. I knew of someone who was out shopping by themselves and a car parked in hash marks. They had to wait three hours for the person to get out
of the store and move their car before they could leave because the lift couldn't unfold no one got around to towing it. Try to be understanding of interruptions that might be caused by machines. I have a suction machine for my trach that is kinda loud, but when I use it my airway is blocked and breathing limited so I need it-I do feel self-conscious. No pity-yuck- compassion yes, kindness yep, but no pity. I try to be understanding and explain things and ask that you do the same and are courteous.

Reality Check- This country is far from being all inclusive. We have made a lot of progress but there is more that needs to be done. Every 'handicap accessible' bathroom stall should be big enough to go into and close the door. The disabled changing room shouldn't be an open area with no walls or doors and handrails (yes-happened). The disabled entrance to a fancy restaurant shouldn't be in the back alley, by a dumpster, and through a bar (yes-happened). A school shouldn't be allowed to design an A and B student's schedule and try to keep her out of honor's classes (yes it happened-I won that fight with a teacher's help and graduated with honors). A person shouldn't have to stress if someplace is really wheelchair accessible-is a delivery truck going to be blocking the ramp, Is the key to the elevator going to be there, etc. Someone shouldn't be able to be denied health insurance-and their children-for the first two years they work somewhere because they have a medical problem (pre-existing condition clause. This is why some people can't work. Their medical bills are literally $15,000+ a month. If people with $x of medical bills could keep Medicare and work I know there would be less people on welfare). Most of all policies like this should be obsolete:

My cousin Shayna worked as an usher (2002) at Tulsa Reparatory theatre where the manager instructed her, quite simply, that if there was a fire she should detain all the disabled so that they wouldn’t get in the way of people escaping.

The ADA is not being enforced completely or IDEA (education laws and we need more laws. I am very grateful to live in a country where for can complain and improve things. And I am thankful for all the work being done to improve things and that people care-even if it's just being concerned enough to talk at eye level.