Etiquette question re: notifying friends of a death

[MichelleinMaine]

Kind of a downer subject, sorry! My mother in law recently (unexpectedly) passed away. My husband, brother in law and I are trying to sort through her things as must be done. One thing that I'm stuck on is how to let non-local friends know she has died. (There was a notice in the paper, and certainly word of mouth around town.) FIL was in the air force, so they lived all over the world. MIL kept in touch with many of these people and I know they would want to know she has passed. My brother in law is going to get me her address book, but I'm guessing we're talking close to 75 families that she corresponded with through the years.

We will be having a memorial service for her (not that I expect most of these people to fly in from all over to attend), but would I send out some sort of notice about that? Or is there some general sort of card/note that gets sent out? (I'm really hoping not to have to handwrite 75+ notes as we've already got a list of thanks yous to do for those who have sent flowers, notes, etc.

Is there some sort of etiquette on this? She normally would have sent these people Christmas cards/letters I'm sure. Not clear if she did this year as she was diagnosed just before Thanksgiving. If it were me, I'd surely want to know....

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Sorry for your loss. After my dad's passing we sent cards out (made at a local intsy print) notifying friends of the loss. The card had the same wording of the obituary. This is what the funeral director suggested. I would get her Christmas card list and do the same.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So sorry for your loss.

Not sure of how to answer your question though. In the past when we had family pass, DH's brother was the "contact" as the eldest and he would contact us and then we would contact others.

 

[cirquelovers]

My MIL passed almost two years ago, so I understand. We talked to the funeral director and he was able to print little cards cheaper than anyone else and they matched the funeral cards.

We also split up the phone numbers between us family members so I didn't have to call everyone myself. My husband was beside himself though so I did most of the immediate family calling myself. It was nice to have other family members help out though.

Now thank you cards were another story. I felt like I was writing those every spare moment I had and the cost of postage really added up.

If she had a computer you may want to check their for addresses and emails. I'm afraid we forgot a few people because FIL instantly sold her computer so we had no access. I certainly never meant to slight anyone, i just didn't know everyone she spoke to. Especially since some went back to before my husband was even born!

I'm so sorry for your families loss.

 

[NotUrsula]

My condolences on your loss.

By tradition, we Irish have memorial cards printed and sent out (usually known as "Mass Cards") They normally include the person's photo, date of death, and a prayer. They look something like this:

You enclose them with a brief note that says something like, "I'm sorry to inform you that Mrs. X had a sudden heart attack and passed away last week. Please include her in your prayers." I find it helpful to include the cause of death, because most of the time if you don't, they will contact you to ask.

I guess these are a peculiarly Irish thing, but I find them to be *so* useful and appropriate in cases like this.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm very sorry for your loss...



I can tell you what NOT to do...don't email the info.

My mom and stepdad had been sending mass emails about her condition and treatment and all, and when she died, he just sent out an email about that. Almost no one said anything to us, but the one that did held a serious grudge (and probably still does) about it. She really didn't appreciate it.

We were really distraught, it was very sudden (she was in remission, but ulcers and blood thinners do NOT mix, and cause extremely sudden death), and the idea of calling everyone sounded like a new form of Hades to us...never crossed anyone's mind to get cards, write it all out, make people wait for the mail, etc...

But in retrospect...bad decision (I wasn't *part* of the decision, but I was there when it was made).


on the other hand...it's going to be a shock to hear no matter what, and unless one goes with the absolutely most traditional thing (and I should note that i have never seen official "someone died" cards, so even if that's traditional somewhere, it's not in my extended, and Irish (though not Catholic or religious), family), someone will find fault with it. And the same person that held a grudge about the email also didn't come to my wedding...she said it was because of her aging dog but I'm fairly certain it was b/c I gave my dad the honor of being on my invitation, and she despises my dad...so maybe it was just her.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

My condolences on your loss.

By tradition, we Irish have memorial cards printed and sent out (usually known as "Mass Cards") They normally include the person's photo, date of death, and a prayer. They look something like this:

You enclose them with a brief note that says something like, "I'm sorry to inform you that Mrs. X had a sudden heart attack and passed away last week. Please include her in your prayers." I find it helpful to include the cause of death, because most of the time if you don't, they will contact you to ask.

I guess these are a peculiarly Irish thing, but I find them to be *so* useful and appropriate in cases like this.

My DH's aunt did this for his grandmother a few months after she passed. We obviously knew that she had passed but for those that were not in daily contact this was a very nice way of letting them know. I was actually quite impressed with the way she did it. It looked very similar to your's.

 

[wdwfan16]

I would either send out cards to people in her address book or reply when a letter shows up. I know one year we sent somebody a Christmas card and got back a letter from her daughter that she had passed that year. It was an older women who I know very well as a child and loved like a grandmother. I did not live near her so but I still enjoyed sending and getting her Christmas card and notes.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

Thanks all for the responses. I will ask the funeral home about some sort of card. If not I can surely do something up nicely on the computer. I figure it will be a shock for people no matter how/when they hear. Just trying to take one thing off of DH and BIL's shoulders. They have to be the ones wading through the legal stuff as the heirs. Social graces not their strong suit (not mine either, but more so than it is theirs!!)

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

My condolences on your loss.

By tradition, we Irish have memorial cards printed and sent out (usually known as "Mass Cards") They normally include the person's photo, date of death, and a prayer. They look something like this:

You enclose them with a brief note that says something like, "I'm sorry to inform you that Mrs. X had a sudden heart attack and passed away last week. Please include her in your prayers." I find it helpful to include the cause of death, because most of the time if you don't, they will contact you to ask.

I guess these are a peculiarly Irish thing, but I find them to be *so* useful and appropriate in cases like this.

We have done this in our family and many other families that I know. Rather than instrinsic to Ireland, or being Irish, I thought it was more RC?

Perhaps there is a publication for the Air Force that you can put a notice in? Sending the notification to everyone on the Christmas list is probably the most comprehensive way.

I'm sorry that you've lost her.

 

[ksjayhawks]

If the funeral director does not have something, you can make something on your own in a word document.

Start with saying

The xxxx family wants to let you know that Mrs. xxx yyyy passed away on <date> after a short battle with <disease>.


Then put a copy of the obiltuary. You can clip it from the paper, tape it on and have it copied at the printer or retype the obit into the document.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd so some sort of note or card on the computer and print out a number of them and then go by her address book.

Something to the effect of

"It is with great sadness that we inform you of the death of our mother, Mary Smith. She passed away suddenly on January 5th of a heart attack. We have enclosed a copy of her obituary. We thank you for sharing in her life and ask that you remember her in your prayers".