Etiquette Question opinions please!

[Freyja]

I'm with you. In the circles I run with, it is not assumed that you are treating unless you make it clear via what you say when you issue the invitation! When old friends come back to town they e-mail everyone, and someone sets up a dinner to which all are invited but we obviously don't expect the organizer or the visiting friends to pay for what will likely turn out to be 12 - 15 people! Those who can't fit the dinner into their budget usually make other arrangements to see the friends.

I agree!

I think the key is not to state it as an invitation. Don´t say you´d like to "invite them out to dinner" but rather say "you´d like to meet them for dinner. You´ll be dining at so and so and would like them to join if they care for it".

 

[lulugirl]

I'm not quite getting this. If you all go out with a group of friends does only the person who organized it pay? Tonight we invited some friends to go out to dinner with us (an expensive place at least $100/couple) and we'll be splitting the bill.

I think the OP should pay because she is extending an invitation to an expensive restaurant (she says another, less expevsive restaurant isn't an option) to celebrate her own and Dd's birthdays.
I guess the circumstances sound different that one couple casually saying to another couple "hey want to go for dinner next Sat.?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm not quite getting this. If you all go out with a group of friends does only the person who organized it pay? Tonight we invited some friends to go out to dinner with us (an expensive place at least $100/couple) and we'll be splitting the bill.

No she is inviting them to dinner to celebrate a birthday. There is a difference.

 

[froglady]

I agree with those who say if "another restaurant is not an option" then you either have to let them know that up front, or be prepared to treat them.

I guess you have to make a decision as to which is most important...having a birthday dinner at the expensive restaurant of your choice, or getting together with old friends.

Plus, how does your daughter feel about "sharing" her birthday dinner with YOUR old friends?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess what it boils down to is point blank tell them you are not able to pay for the meal but you are going to be eating at XXX and would you care to join you for dinner.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I agree with those who say if "another restaurant is not an option" then you either have to let them know that up front, or be prepared to treat them.

I guess you have to make a decision as to which is most important...having a birthday dinner at the expensive restaurant of your choice, or getting together with old friends.

Plus, how does your daughter feel about "sharing" her birthday dinner with YOUR old friends?

That is an excellent point.....what is going to be done special for your daughter's birthday? I am guessing meeting your old friends for her birthday isn't going to be much fun

 

[va32h]

I am not sure there is a polite way to ask several people to celebrate your birthday with you at an expensive restaurant and pay their own way. Not saying you can't ask them to pay, but I am thinking at least one of them is going to think it was rude to do so.

But you know these people better than we do - would they think it was rude?

Anyway - if you do invite them, you really should make sure they understand up front that you aren't paying.

 

[kennancat]

Personally, I would never assume that someone was buying my dinner unless they specifically stated it in the invitation. Most of the time that friends come to visit our town, we've usually ended up picking up the check. I think of it as they're the ones who incurred the expense of traveling and we want to encourage them to visit (makes it easier for us )To be safe though, I would probably go with something like, "hey, we're planning to eat at X, you're welcome to join us."

I wonder if the rule of "host pays for dinner at the restaurant if they suggest it" comes from times when eating out wasn't as common? A generation or two ago, eating out was something special - now families routinely go out to dinner.

In the end, remember that the goal of etiquette isn't to mark down all your actions on a scorecard and grade you. One of the biggest reasons for it is so that everyone knows what is expected and there are no uncomfortable misunderstandings. As long as you think your friends are okay with it and you are clear when you make the suggestion, I don't see any problem with it.

 

[Beth76]

I think the OP should pay because she is extending an invitation to an expensive restaurant (she says another, less expevsive restaurant isn't an option) to celebrate her own and Dd's birthdays.
I guess the circumstances sound different that one couple casually saying to another couple "hey want to go for dinner next Sat.?

I still disagree. Tonight was my birthday dinner. It was supposed to be last week (just DH and I) but it was cancelled at the last minute due to weather. Since we rescheduled it, I decided to go ahead and see if another couple wanted to join us since we don't go out very often. There was no big celebration, just a happy birthday toast (they actually bought the first round of drinks).

I plan a lot of our get togethers with friends and I always choose the restaurant (sometimes an expensive one). I will send out an email to everyone and say "hey lets go to dinner here on this date". People who want to go can. If they can't afford it, then they don't go and are free to plan another night and choose a restaurant. I don't see how just because it's someone's birthday that they automatically have to pay for everyone. It's not like there are embossed invitations and the OP is renting out a hall. It's still just dinner with friends.

 

[Cindyluwho]

On a side note OP I am from Portland as well which restaurant are you writing about?

The Rheinlander. I grew up in Naselle Washington (pop about 500) and once a year we went to "the city" to shop for school clothes and my mother would take us to the Rheinlander. We even used to watch chef Horst Mager on TV. Great memories! I took my DH about 5 years ago and he loved it!

 

[Cindyluwho]

Just to add: Some of you seem concerned that my DD13 won't enjoy being with my old friends. The whole rest of the trip is scheduled around her school events and competitions BUT... as for the dinner - Her cousins will be there also, we're paying for them. And she's wanted to go to this restaurant for a few years because she's heard me rave about the singing (and accordian playing) waitstaff I was also going to invite my old college roomie who she's been dying to meet because he's in the music biz. So, no, we're not going to torture her. At least not on that particular night...

 

[daisyduck123]

Haven't read any of the replies but...I wouldn't try to mix celebrating your DD's b-day with seeing old friends, unless you do want to pay...because yes, I think you'd be obligated to pay.

 

[shirleyb]

I think it depends how the invitation is issued. Like many others, I would never assume an invite from friends means they are paying. Also, if you don't mention to the friends that it's a birthday celebration for either you or DD, then I don't think you're obligated to pay.

I'd issue the invite in terms of, "While we're in town, we wanted to eat at X. Would you be interested in meeting us there?"

 

[ceiligh1]

The Rheinlander. I grew up in Naselle Washington (pop about 500) and once a year we went to "the city" to shop for school clothes and my mother would take us to the Rheinlander. We even used to watch chef Horst Mager on TV. Great memories! I took my DH about 5 years ago and he loved it!

Great place to eat. We would go there for my mothers birthday every year. I remember they had the best brunch with pastry swans filled with mouse they were so good. We always asked for Ave Maria's table so if you see her say hi. I know she still works there.

I dont know if you are aware but Horst Mager has a place next to Rheinlander called Gustaves (Sp?). The food is a little less expensive but more like bar food than the Rheinlander was. You have me craving their fondue. Yummy, now I am homesick.

Enjoy the birthday celebration.

 

[katerkat]

I wouldn't expect you to pay. We just went out, eight girls, to celebrate a friend's birthday. I was miffed at the restaurant choice (40 minutes away, it was snowing, and the place is incredibly fond of garlic) but I sucked it up and went because that's where the birthday girl wanted to go, and she's my friend. And I dealt with the garlic heartburn with minimal complaining. Oh, and we each paid our own ticket AND spilt the birthday girl's.

 

[shortbun]

No she is inviting them to dinner to celebrate a birthday. There is a difference.

You're the host here. You're paying imho. My Mom would say, "you just can't do it all honey." I always try to squeeze every little social thing in. In this case, I'd be paying.

 

[Mysteria]

Ok I'll admit i have not read 1 of the other answers. If that is where you want to go and it's not on you then tell them. If you don't tell them up front then you should pay. If you have told them it's a pay your own situation then you have nothing to worry about.

Myst

 

[disneyfreakk]

Just to add: Some of you seem concerned that my DD13 won't enjoy being with my old friends. The whole rest of the trip is scheduled around her school events and competitions BUT... as for the dinner - Her cousins will be there also, we're paying for them. And she's wanted to go to this restaurant for a few years because she's heard me rave about the singing (and accordian playing) waitstaff I was also going to invite my old college roomie who she's been dying to meet because he's in the music biz. So, no, we're not going to torture her. At least not on that particular night...

since you are paying for the cousins, then you need to pay for the whole table. It is extreemly rude to pick and chose who you pay for. Please dont take this the wrong way, but I wouldnt want to meet up with old friends if they were bringing extended family. I would feel uncomfortable. Could you maybe meet up with your friends for drinks after dinner and let your DH watch the kids?

 

[epcotfan]

I think it depends how the invitation is issued. Like many others, I would never assume an invite from friends means they are paying. Also, if you don't mention to the friends that it's a birthday celebration for either you or DD, then I don't think you're obligated to pay.

I'd issue the invite in terms of, "While we're in town, we wanted to eat at X. Would you be interested in meeting us there?"

I totally agree.

 

[Imzadi]

I dont know if you are aware but Horst Mager has a place next to Rheinlander called Gustaves (Sp?). The food is a little less expensive but more like bar food than the Rheinlander was. You have me craving their fondue.

If this is the case, how about having your birthdays celebration dinner at Rheinlander and then inviting the friends for coffee afterwards next door or somewhere else?

Why do you have to spend the time at one place? We do this often in NYC. We eat one place then as a group may go for dessert or drinks at another place that has better dessert & coffee, a different atmosphere, or to a bar where we can hang & chill while talking. (You could offer to buy them a round of drinks, or pay for dessert.) You know it's a great party when people want to continue hanging out together, & will move to a more relaxed atmosphere conducive to hanging out.

An expensive restaurant will want to turn the table over for another setting as soon as possible. To sit for an extended period while catching up on old times may not be appropriate there.